I think my boyfriend wants his ex back

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Hi Guys

My Boyfriend and I have been dating now for about 3 years and 8 months. I think we’ve been really happy with each other. We used to say that we wanted to get married. We planned to have 2 kids and to go and work abroad.

But before I continue let me first tell you about his ex-girlfriend. She was very young when she got pregnant with his baby. There were court cases and they had to give the baby up; so they broke up after being together for two years.

That was 5 years ago, and then we started dating and have been very much in love. We now have a child who is six months old. I found a note on my boyfriend’s phone saying that he thinks that I am only in the relationship because of our son, not because I want to be with him. The relationship is not the same; he is having contact with his ex-girlfriend’s cousin all of a sudden and I am afraid that things are going to get worse.

He always talks about his relationship with his ex: what they did, their experiences; and the way she was. He told me that he can guarantee me that she will never come back to him but he’s hoping maybe their son will. But he never says that he doesn’t want her back, or that he doesn’t have feelings for her. I found out recently that his password is her name and surname. On top of that, he doesn’t touch me anymore unless he wants to have sex. He doesn’t kiss me or hug me. It’s like he is ashamed of me.

What can I do to fix it all so that he will forget about his ex and fall in love with me again? I feel so angry and hopeless.

Please Please Please HELP


Dear Kristen,

Thanks for your question.

Having some sort of closure is important for any relationship. (Your boyfriend didn’t get closure with his ex.) It sounds like circumstance tore them apart, rather than their diminished love for one another. Without closure, the question always looms: “Should we still be together?”  or “What would life be like if we were still together, raising our baby?” And on top of that, now that they’re older and presumably wiser and more experienced, they are also dealing with sadness and regret, especially regarding their baby.

But this doesn’t mean your boyfriend is still in love with his ex, and that he doesn’t love you. It’s likely he does love you. You’ve built a life together. But the specter of that past relationship haunts him, and makes him wonder what his life might have been like if things had turned out differently.

Have you tried talking to him about how you feel, instead of looking for hints of infidelity? And have you ever sat and talked with him about how he feels concerning the baby he had to give up? It’s possible that he has all these emotions bubbling inside of him with no one to talk to about them. And instead of turning to you—the person closest to him—he might be looking to connect with his ex because they have that shared experience. He also knows you’re probably not “open” to the topic, or you’re threatened by the whole subject.

Maybe you need to do a complete 180 and start discussing these issues that are “in the air” but being ignored? Guys are not just about sex. You say, that’s the only reason he touches you anymore, and that may be true. But that’s not necessarily because he doesn’t find you attractive, or even less likely that he is ashamed by you. More likely, he feels disconnected and that’s the only way he still knows how to connect with you.

So Kristen, you have some work to do. Your relationship is far from over, but the two of you need to get reconnected. He needs to know you care about him; and not just because he’s the father of your child. And he needs to know how much his behavior is bothering you, and that you feel like he’s using you for sex.

There are no guarantees here. Once you open up this can of worms, things could go in many different directions. But we can guarantee that at the very least the two of you will begin to understand each other better, which is essential for any relationship to grow and flourish.

Good luck. Please leave us a follow up comment, or feel free to ask a follow up question. We’re pulling for you.



15 Comments on I think my boyfriend wants his ex back

  1. Try reading I Hate His/Her Ex by Alex Cooper – a book for anyone who needs help and advice dealing with their partner’s past relationship(s) – brilliant read! Available on Amazon or most bookstores – Kindle or paperback!

  2. @pixie….Thanks for the info!

  3. Went on my bf’s internet history, only to find he logged onto his ex’s hotmail account the night before, while I was upstairs, sleeping in his bed. He also checked her fb and his ex’s before her. I went to log onto my email account after he woke up and was next to me and when I clicked on the loggin box, her email showed up. I asked him what it was about and all he said was that it’s been there for a while since it is her old account (lie, since I saw he went to snoop on it). He broke with her up over a year and a half ago and he formatted his computer 2 months ago. What should I think? I didn’t say anything back but “okay”. He always talks about how liars make him sick. I don’t know if to worry or if it might be just silly snooping. Help me.. We are getting serious and thinking of living together. He’s my first relationship so I don’t know what to do

  4. @S….This could be just natural curiosity. Lots of people like to know what their exes are up to. The thing is, they will always have a connection even if they’re not together, so it’s natural to be curious. It also makes sense that he’s more curious now BECAUSE the two of you are getting serious. This is a time when guys start to wonder and evaluate what they’re really doing. As he contemplates getting serious with you he’s also remembering what he used to have. This is a natural process. For some guys it takes a little time to process all of this, because taking the leap to get serious is a big deal for men. However, we don’t like that he lied to you. That’s a possible issue. Of course if you call him on it he’ll also know that you snooped, which could open a can of worms. But honestly, that’s better than moving forward with your relationship only to find out you’ve got some trust issues, etc. It’s always best to get this out in the open. Yes, he’s going to be mad, but remember if he flips out and decides he wants to break up, then you’ll have all the answers you need. (That he’s not someone you can really trust.) The more likely scenario is that he’ll be mad for a bit, and eventually the two of you will work things out and come to a better understanding. Remember S, it’s always better to know than to wonder. Good luck. Keep us posted and let us know if we can answer another question. And let your friends know about us.

  5. If I only bring up the fact that I just want to know what’s going on since I’m not stupid and know he had his computer reformatted, meaning all should be erased, including his ex’s email adress, is it better than admitting I went into his history?

  6. We sorta also have a past with him not trusting me. He once went in my fb emails and went thru it all since he doubted something about me. I found out while going tru my history after he left quickly (was before we were an item. Sex buddies then) what he found out didn’t please him (I had lied about a convo with a friend) and we almost broke it off then. He’s always been pretty clear since then how lies are the worse thing… I’m so confused :s

  7. @s……well then all the more reason to get everything out in the open moving forward. Trust is one of the most important pieces of a relationship.

  8. @S……if you can do it in a way that doesn’t put him on the defensive, then great.

  9. Help! My boyfriend’s ex is a very sore subject for him, he is bitter about her, and I don’t know if it’s smart to be with him. I have been dating my current boyfriend, John, for one year. Our first date was five years ago. I wasn’t that interested in him back then, I was more into the “bad boy” type. I went on a few dates with him, and gave him a bit of a runaround before we went our separate ways. I have since grown as a person and do not find “bad boys” appealing at all anymore. I kept wondering about John and eventually messaged him on facebook last year. Luckily, he was still interested in me. We went out and hit it off immediately. He is a great boyfriend and makes his feelings for me very clear. I believe we are in love. My concern is with the feelings of hurt he harbors from his last break up. Six years ago now, John had a baby with a woman who he had been dating a year. After dating a year, and before he discovered her pregnancy, he found out that she had been cheating on him with several other men. After they broke up, she came back a month later and let him know she was pregnant. Not only was she pregnant but she was unsure of who the father was. Fast forward to today, he has an almost six year old daughter with this woman. I am a single mother myself, so I have some experience with the subject. He does not like to talk about his ex. He does not like to hear that she has a new boyfriend. I’ve seen his face when his daughter mentioned that she went to a movie with his mother and her new boyfriend and it was a face of hurt and anger. He avoids talking to her about anything regarding their daughter, and only communicates with her through text. He has her blocked on Facebook. He told me that she knows how to push his buttons and he avoids talking to her too much because it causes arguments. To me, all of this sounds like he is not over her. She hurt him in their break up and to me it seems that he never dealt with those issues. I don’t doubt that he loves me and I am happy that he never brings up his ex or talks to her too often, but something tells me that him suppressing these feelings will be bad in our future together, or will prevent one from coming to be. Now that we have been dating a year, I feel more close to him than ever and we are beginning to open up about things we had not before. I asked him details about their break up and he told me only a little before he got flustered and said he does not like to rehash the past and likes to leave it there. What should I do? Is he emotionally unavailable? Should he not date until he has gotten over his ex and the hurt he feels for her? Because something tells me that if it were up to him, he would never rehash their past or try to achieve some closure from it. Is our relationship doomed? How would he go about moving on?

  10. @C…..Before we respond tell us a little bit more about his relationship with his daughter. Does he see her often? What’s the custody situation? Does he talk about her? Etc. Does he talk about it with you?

  11. They have a strict custody agreement where he picks her up every other weekend. Yes, he talks to me about his daughter and we hang out with our kids sometimes but not often. He confides in me and asks advice about getting her to follow rules. He always gives me a text or call to let me know when he is almost at the ex’s house and when he is leaving the ex’s house.

  12. @C….Well, we can’t read his mind, but you’re making a bunch of assumptions. 1. That his behavior somehow signifies that he’s still emotionally connected, or in love with his ex. 2. That his feelings for her somehow trump his feelings for you. 3. That his unwillingness to talk about it means he’s hiding his true feelings about her. 4. That his anger for her prevents him from being open to another relationship……We completely understand why you might wonder, and feel the way you feel, and ask the questions you ask. However, what if it was simpler than that? We can imagine he must be very angry at her for a variety of reasons. 1. For cheating. 2. For getting pregnant and not knowing who the father was. (That doesn’t mean he isn’t happy about having his daughter.) 3. By the nature of having a kid with her he’s now forever stuck with her. (That would be really, really hard, considering how it all went down. Much different than a divorce, or some other situation.) 4. He hates being controlled by her because it sounds like she got the best of the custody agreement. 5. He misses his daughter immensely and blames his ex for that…….Now to us, that sounds like a lot of reasons to feel the way he feels. What do you think? ps. Of course, he may not be ready for another relationship. That’s hard to say. Do you talk about this? Or about the future?

  13. Thank you so much! This is such great advice. I don’t think I was putting myself far enough in his shoes to be able to see where his anger may stem from. Yes, we talk about the future and anything which is on our minds. I’d say we are very open and have excellent communication. I have brought these issues to his attention before. He will say that he wants nothing to do with “that lady” and that he is mad because she’s greedy in the child support payments and that she ruined his life. I just don’t like all the anger towards her. I feel like hate is stemmed from love and from my personal experience I only felt “hate” toward exes if I still loved them.

  14. @C…..Certainly hate and love can be linked, but we don’t get that sense here. (That’s just our opinion of course.) However, he’ll be a happier person if he can somehow let go of his anger, and redirect that energy in a positive way. Much easier said than done. Hopefully he doesn’t allow his feelings to cloud his relationship with his daughter. We wish you all the best. Keep us posted. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends. Thanks!

  15. @All the Women out THere…….We’d love to hear your thoughts on The Perfect Guy? Leave a comment, a description or respond to someone else’s comment. Let’s have a conversation.

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