I want a real relationship, not just a sexual one

Read more Relationship Advice and Dating advice about Friends with Benefits: 

The Ex Files: Friends with benefits? 

Are we friends with benefits or does he want something more? 

Booty call or relationship trouble 

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits? 

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Dear Guys,

So I met this guy and thought he was attractive, but he was dating someone at the time. We became friends and he eventually ended up dumping the girl he was seeing. A few days later, after having a little too much to drink, we ended up sleeping together. I wasn’t really expecting it to go anywhere then but it’s been over a year and we’re still ‘hooking up’ exclusively. I feel like we have a good thing going but I still kind of want an actual relationship. I’ve asked him about it and he says that he loves me but after what he went through with his ex, he can no longer trust anyone and doesn’t think he’ll ever fall IN love again.

Is there anything I could maybe do to try and show him that not every person he gets involved with will hurt him and maybe change his mind?

Hopelessly Hopeful

Dear Hopelessly Hopeful,

Thanks for your question.

Maybe your guy was hurt in his previous relationship, and maybe he’s still working through some things, but he’s also milking it for all it’s worth. And speaking of milk, what’s the saying, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” At this point you’re in a “friends with benefits/booty call” relationship for which he has no incentive to change a thing.

And that’s one of the difficult aspects of this kind of arrangement. Once a FWB arrangement is established—even if it is exclusive—it’s very difficult to transition to a “real relationship.” But if you really want a committed relationship with this guy then you need to talk to him openly and tell him exactly what you want. Tell him how you feel and try to reassure him that his heart is safe with you. But remember, you also deserve to have someone you can trust with your heart. You deserve to have someone who wants to be with you beyond the bedroom. If you don’t see this situation moving in the right direction you might need to ask yourself a hard question. “Is this man, really the man I think he is?”

We hope this works out for you.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. And give us some love on Twitter. @TGPBuzz

 

 

35 Comments on I want a real relationship, not just a sexual one

  1. Roselynn // April 8, 2012 at 1:21 pm //

    Alright guys I have a real weird and awkward situation on my hands……with my cousin! First off I knew I shouldn’t have began this but it was so long ago I didn’t kno what I was thinking. 5 years ago over summer we got really close and hid it from the rest of our family. We kissed many times, I’ve given him a blow job, he’s touched me and used to touch each other secretly and kept it a secret for really long time. Every time we meet we make out secretly and nobody in our family know. He’s always telling me how beautiful and hot I am but I’m starting to think he only does tht because of what we did in the past. Every night we text and have a weird relationship because nobody knows abt what we’ve done so we always have to fake in front of our family. I don’t really like him and I don’t kno if he likes me. Somestimes I wonder him the things he says to me are like jokingly cuz he always says he wants to marry me and I’m sexy and I’m the most beautiful things he’s ever seen.  But other times he only texts me when ges horny. Am i his playmate or sextoy? I dont wanna look like the desperate oneIdk what to do because I don’t want to continue like this but we have such a strong relationship I don’t kno if he means it at all. I think he just says things like tht because we’ve made love so many times idk if he wants to keep this secret? What should I do?

  2. @Roselynn……… It sounds like you’re in a FWB situation, or in this case a “Cousins with Benefits” situation. And even if you weren’t cousins it’s probably not the healthiest of relationships at least from your perspective. What are you really getting from it? And when you add in the “cousin” factor that just makes it more of a dead-end. Ask yourself: Where is this relationship really going? Even if he was interested in more than just sex, are you really prepared to be serious with him and marry him? And what is your gut telling you he’s all about? If you wrote to us it’s likely you’re already feeling a bit unsettled about the whole situation. We don’t see this going anywhere, and it’s likely he’s charming when he wants something from you. Hope this helps. Good luck. Check out our video on Friends with Benefits. It might help.

  3. my situation is slightly similar. We met last July on a night out, spent the whole night with him and we started “seeing” each other. He has a young child from a previous relationship and they split last April. I wouldn’t say he is hung up on the ex, more the situation he has ended up in. I have been there, listened to him when he has been at his lowest and helped him get through things. However, it soon became a sleeping with each other arrangement after we had been on separate nights out. I ended it around October last year but ended up going back in January and we have been closer since. I told him how I felt about 6 weeks ago and he said he had feelings for me but also likes going out with his pals, so doesn’t want anything. He also said though that he doesn’t want us to stop speaking as he can’t imagine his life without me in it. I was gutted and we didn’t speak for a couple of weeks but then I ended up sleeping with him again a few weeks ago and we are back where we were. I really do love him, we get on so well and I haven’t felt this way about anyone in a long time. I’m 29, so not niaive. I think deep down I know the answer but at the same time I do think he has feelings for me and maybe one day he will think differently, I don’t think he is a player or a bad person. I just think he’s been through alot. Am I kidding myself??

  4. @Stephanie…….No, actually we don’t think you are kidding yourself. We bet he genuinely cares for you. But we do think you are going about this in the wrong way, if you truly want a real relationship with this guy. These types of FWB arrangements don’t typically transition into real relationships. So we would suggest stopping that part immediately. The thing is, his answer about wanting to go out with his pals is just an excuse. Just because a person is in a relationship doesn’t mean they no longer can go out with friends. But what they can’t do is go out with friends, hit on other woman, and then go home with one of them. Is that what he really means? If that’s the case then no he’s not ready for a relationship, and you absolutely should stop sleeping with him. We would suggest you start talking to him about what you really want. Yes, his life is complicated because of his child. But plenty of people have been through a lot in their life and still manage to have committed relationships. If you really want something you have to go for it. Start looking out for your needs. What’s the worst that can happen? You lose him. But if things continue the way they’re going you’re going to just be resentful and angry anyway. Good luck. Feel free to ask us a follow up question or another question anytime. And please let your friends know about us. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page. You might enjoy some of the writing. Thanks.

  5. Hi Guys!-
    I need some help with this one considering I’m newly single. I was in the midst of getting a separation in my marriage because things weren’t working out. I started a new job in the meantime and met a guy at work who I had to work with everyday. We spent all day together and ended up just clicking. He was recently divorced so we also bonded on that level since I was pretty much going down the same road. Anyway, we went out one night for a group outing and I ended up back at his house. We only kissed as I said I had to leave bc I was still living with my husband at this point. He soon after told me about his feelings and attraction to me and said he would like to see more of me outside of work. So we soon started seeing each other once or twice a week for dinner, movies, etc and eventually we slept together. I knew I was being stupid and it was wrong, but I hadn’t been happy in so long that it just felt good to be with him. He was caring, polite, would go out of his way to be with me or do things for me, sweet, playful, well you get the picture. He would ask me to hang out regularly, meet him out with his friends on the weekends, etc. At times we would hang out and there would be no sex, so I thought that maybe it was more than that.
    Unfortunately my husband found out about the affair even though we were separated and initiated our divorce. I told the other guy about it…and then he wanted to have a conversation about where our relationship was going. Of course, he didn’t want anything serious since he just got divorced himself but he said he liked/cared about me and liked being with me. I honestly wasn’t looking for something serious either having just been with someone for 8 years and was just taking our relationship day by day.
    He became more distant after that, but we continued to see each other on weekends usually in a group (we work with the same people) and it would always end up with me spending the night and him cooking breakfast in the morning.
    He then asked me to go and see a movie on weekend, which felt more like a date since it was a first time we had ever been out together alone. Problem was, i felt like I was pulling teeth to get him to talk or even engage in conversation while we were waiting for the movie. We went back to his house afterwards and it was more awkward than it had ever been. I decided to just give him some space and didn’t contact him unless he initiated it first. When we saw each other though he was always acting like we were dating. Even the people we work with think that something is going on between us.
    I decided to roll the dice and asked him to hang out one weekend which he agreed to. In the midst of us making plans on that day for the evening, he was offered tickets to a show and said he was going to go if I didn’t mind. Well i was kind of peeved because at that point I felt like i was just an option, and if he didn’t want to hang out I don’t know why he previously agreed to it. He said he looked to get another ticket but the show was sold out. I simply replied, No problem…Enjoy. I decided that while I didn’t have expectations for a romantic evening or even a relationship at this point, I do expect not to be blown off at the last minute because something better came up. I haven’t told him how I feel because I don’t think he cares enough for it to make a difference. However, I know that I have to continue to see him at work and even outside of work since we have the same group of friends. How should I act toward him? I realize that he’s just not that into me by his actions,and I kept trying to give him the benefit of the doubt since he was burned in his divorce. But I can’t help be hurt by what our relationship has become and how he treats me in ways I don’t deserve. Is there a way for us to even be friends at this point?
    You’re the guys…so let me know how to play this one. Thanks!!

  6. @Cristin…..Sorry. We can see why you feel a bit peeved. Sometimes we wonder why people can’t just be honest instead of playing games like he did. But for you, the only way to play this is take the high road since you work together. Be civil and friendly, but no need for more than that. However, we don’t see the two of you being friends outside of work. For what reason? So maybe the two of you will get back together? It seems pretty clear how this is going, so we’d suggest trying to put a positive spin on this and move on. Positive spin?? Think of it as reassurance that there are plenty of single guys out there that you’ll enjoy when the dust settles from your divorce. Hope this helps a little. Any follow up question/s? Feel free to ask away.

  7. Hi There, I just recently came across your site. This is perfect because I’ve needed strictly honest guy advice for a while now, so I will trust you on this one. This is kind of a long story. I apologize in advance.

    While I was in school I had met a guy through mutual friends, he basically broke up with his girlfriend to be with me. In the beginning he said things to me like, “I’m falling for you”, “I knew once I met you, I couldn’t be with her anymore”, “You’re better for me then her”, but in settle ways. I was also hearing from many mutual friends how much he liked me before we even met, while he was still with her! So I knew I wasn’t just a rebound. We were very on and off for about the whole time we were interested in each other. There was even a point where all we did was text for 4 months, it was hard. We knew we liked each other but we both had busy lives. I went to school full time and he worked full time. He had mentioned how he couldn’t jump into anything because of work, I understood. But the many months of just straight texting got ridiculous. I asked him a couple times to stop talking to me, he lasted at the longest a month until he just came back again.
    One day, after I basically poured my heart out to him and said I still have feelings for him (Through text of course). He agreed and said that his feelings were definitely still there, that it’s worth making an effort, and we should start by hanging out. So we did and it was great, we made time for each other and would hang out 1-2 days a week just watching movies at his house which was fine, that’s all we had energy for anyways. The only thing that bothered me was how we never talked about what we were even though we knew we were together; his friends would even call me his gf. Surprisingly after all this it wasn’t awkward. I started to have strong feelings for him, but never really knew how he felt about me. Even though after all that time we never had sex, it became a lot about the intimate parts in our relationship and not much communication. I’m a shy girl to begin with and we never opened up to each other like we probably should have, but I knew how I felt about him. He really is a sweet and respectful guy, unlike most I’ve been with.
    2 months passed with consistently seeing each other. Even though I had strong feelings for him I felt like things weren’t going anywhere. I knew that once his sport season starts up I won’t ever get see him. So to save my heartache earlier on I texted him asking if he felt we were going anywhere, and he said it seems like we are forcing it. When I initiated the break up all he had to say was that it really sucks and not much else. So I didn’t reply, and he asked if I was going to reply. So I texted him for the first time with a really truthful/harsh text about how he never has anything to say, and he waits on me to figure out when something is wrong. After that I deleted him from everything, I wanted him to know that I was serious. It was really hard to do, and now that 5 months have passed (without any reply) I’m almost more heartbroken about it then I thought I would be.
    I’ve never had strong feelings for a guy. Nothing seemed to be working in our favour and everything was bad timing. I’m sure we would have had a good relationship if we were in a better situation. And now all I do is wonder “what if” and if he ever cared, or if it’s worth even going back to him or bothering with the whole situation. I know he isn’t in a relationship because he still works all the time, but I doubt he even thinks about me anymore. All I want to know is, are most guys this indecisive about something? Do you usually have nothing to say when you don’t care? Do you waste almost a year on a girl if you truly like her? Most importantly, Was/Am I wasting my time waiting around for someone that probably doesn’t care?

    I would be so grateful if you guys answered my question! Thank you!

    MADZ

  8. @MADZ…..We’re sorry. There’s nothing worse than not knowing what’s going on. The first red-flag was the fact that he broke up with his girl to be with you. Why? Because the grass is always greener. A person needs to decide about what’s in front of them before they search for something else. Meaning, he needed to decide he wasn’t happy with his girlfriend and then break up with her, not because of you. Sure, maybe you made him realize there was something that works for him better than his girlfriend, but breaking up for another person usually leads to disaster. (Like the guy who divorces his wife to be with the young “hottie” only to get dumped a year later and be left with nothing.) The clue for us that he was just marking time with you was when he didn’t fight to keep you, and still hasn’t contacted you in five months. Maybe he stuck around hoping to have sex with you and when he realized it wasn’t happening he didn’t care anymore. Or maybe he was getting his sexual needs met with someone else, and his emotional needs met with you? Do you know what he was up to when he wasn’t with you? To answer your question: Yes, guys are indecisive when they don’t want to make a decision. He was happy enough to go enjoy your company, but when you confronted him, he was also happy enough to let you go. From our perspective we don’t think you should have any regrets. He had plenty of time to take this to the next level and he never did. It’s very doubtful he’s going to suddenly change his mind and contact you. We think you should move on, and try to be open to new possibilities. There are good guys out there who will be emotionally available. Feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you’d like.

  9. Well, in the first place I was usually the one initiating the sexual parts in our relationship. It almost seemed like he was too afraid to sleep with me, because I was known to him as “the innocent girl” especailly compaired to his ex. I knew there was no way he could possibly be with anyone because all he did was work ALL the time. And when he didn’t he made plans with me. But around the time we broke up my parent passed away. I acted like nothing was wrong but I think deep down he knew, but I still don’t think that was the main cause of why we broke up… And yes he was always very indecisive and he told me in the beginning he didn’t want a relationship because all he did was work. But a month or 2 later he asked me if I still wanted to be with him if all he was doing was workig weekday, training weekends and thinking about moving.. I thought that was a stupid question. But from there we decided all we could do was try, but things just went down the drain. But your right, I should move on and things are starting to look a lot clearer to me. It’s just a fact of not enough interest and maybe even compatibilty.

  10. @Madz…..This is tough. Breakups are tough. Hang in there and take care of yourself. Let us know if we can help you with anything else. And ask us another question anytime.

  11. Hey guys!…thanks for the advice above! I was thinking along those lines. I haven’t seen him since the “blow off”…however why does this guy still text me?! Like why bother if you have no interest? We haven’t seen each other or been together in over a month. It’s just confusing if you ask me. I feel like he thinks he did anything wrong and if I say something I’m the one over-reacting.

  12. @Cristin….Honestly, he seems a bit clueless and immature from our point of view. Your take is right on: He doesn’t think he did anything wrong. Is that the kind of guy you want to have a relationship with? Talk about a life of frustration and confusion. However, does his texting make you hopeful? We’re sure he’s interested to some extent, but what that extent is, is up for debate.

  13. Hey guys!…awhile ago I asked about a confusing guy situation (above) and took your advice…thanks by the way! However, I have a follow-up question and just wanted a guy opinion. I stopped talking to this guy in question and basically just walked away from the situation. Last week, I saw him at work and he started talking to me…then asked if I was free for drinks some night. After some debate in my head, I agreed to meet him. We met and had just normal conversation, it was comfortable. Just like things had been prior to all of the drama that came about between us. At the end of dinner, he started telling me how he wanted to apologize to me for acting the way he did. He explained that things between us got involved very quickly and that it just became too intense for him to handle at this point in his life and it wasn’t healthy for him. He is still trying to finalize his divorce and says he just needs to be by himself right now to figure his own shit out. He said instead of being mature and talking to me about it, he was immature and handled things poorly. He was sorry for letting me down as a friend and someone in his life and that he felt really bad about it. He told me that for now he would like to continue to spend time as friends. At the end of the night, we hugged and even though I think he wanted to kiss me, he didn’t. I had texted him later that night to tell him it was good to see him and I was glad we could finally talk. TO which he replied; Me too, See you soon.
    I thought it took guts to apologize the way he did, and I explained that while I would he rather have talked to me about things, I was also going through my own issues and just needed to remove myself from the situation. After our conversation, I felt better in that maybe he did care and there was something between us, but then just got scared of something he wasn’t ready for.
    Since then, he will text me randomly but I’m never the one to initiate anything. He texted me about the weather (of all things) yesterday which is just random, and anyway, it got me to thinking….
    I guess I’m wondering if this guy is really sincere and maybe there could be a potential for something in the future (NOT that I am planning to wait around mind you)…OR is he just trying to reconcile as an attempt to start some FWB relationship? He hasnt tried or mentioned anything of the sort, but if that should happen, I don’t plan on putting myself in that situation, which I feel comfortable telling him at this point. A man’s thoughts are greatly appreciated!

  14. @Cristin…..Good for him. That’s called, “man-ing up.” It seems like he’s sincere, but if you sniff any sort of deceit it’s time to move on permanently. And we’d definitely stay away from FWB. Not a good idea. As far as hanging out as friends. We’d be cautious about that as well. Sure, now and then, but nothing regular. Talking and texting occasionally is one thing, but if you start hanging out as friends you’re just going to get sucked in emotionally and that’s going to put you in a holding pattern. What we’d suggest is moving on with your life, and letting him do the same, and if at some point he’s ready, and you’re still available, you can try again, albeit slowly. That’s just our two cents. Thoughts?

  15. thanks guys…as always. I guess after thinking about it, and I’m not disregarding the fact that he “man-ed up” I’m, I feel like why now? Why now when I was finally getting over it? It’s like you men have a sixth sense :) It’s easier to be over someone when you believe that they aren’t a good guy, but now I have to give him credit for being a decent guy. My friend asked why I agreed to meet him in the first place and give him the opportunity to say whatever it was he needed to say. And now that he will randomly text me on a daily basis, I don’t want to be that girl that he thinks is just available to him, therefore possibly putting me on the back-burner until maybe he decides he’s ready. His texts aren’t even for a conversation….he literally sent me a message the other day that said “hope you’re enjoying the nice weather.” C’mon, the weather? I guess I’m just in this grey area…you either want to be with someone or you don’t. Which he says he needs to be alone right now because of his emotional issues he needs to work through and figure himself out. I have no doubt that he is interested to a point, but I guess it’s not enough. If you liked someone enough, you would make an effort to get past your shit and be with them. Maybe you can tell me if I’m wrong in that way of thinking. Anyway, but for now I agree with your prior advice. I don’t plan on initiating anything and continuing to move on like I was before, even though now he has managed to put himself back in my head :(

  16. @Cristin……But just because he “man-ed up” doesn’t mean you should wait around for him. He might have admitted to his behavior but that doesn’t mean he’ll even come around when he’s ready. In fact, this may turn into a “project” honestly. And we doubt that’s what you’re looking for in a guy or a relationship. Our suggestion: If you truly want to move on, then he needs to completely stop contacting you. Even texts. We’re just worried that he’s put you in a holding pattern which is not where you want to be.

  17. Well just to follow-up…I’ve been thinking and I don’t think I can be friends with this man. I know I told him we could be and I was fine with it, but I just can’t get past what happened between us. I was convinced by how he acted with me in the beginning he had real feelings, and it wasn’t just sex…but then after the way he treated me I just feel used or devalued somehow, because it seems to me that to him it meant nothing. I know he apologized, but then I feel like I’m being too nice and just letting him have his way and use the word “friends” to make everything ok. Secondly, its not like we were friends beforehand so how can we go backwards? It’s not like I can call him out of the blue to talk or ask him to grab a drink…its just too weird…and that’s not being friends. I guess I didn’t address any of this initially when he wanted to have the apology talk because I didn’t want him to know how I felt about him, for fear of it making me seem even more vulnerable. SO i’m wondering if i owe him anything to talk to him about it and tell him why it’s just not going to work out. I just don’t want to ignore him, because that would be doing what he did to me. I haven’t heard from him in about a week so I don’t want to initiate contacting him either. So frustrating…because i wish he would have just stayed away :(

  18. @Christin…..The whole situation is dragging you down. We think you’re doing the right thing. And it doesn’t seem like he’s good for you. So having said that, we don’t think you don’t owe him a thing. You’re not an employee at some job where you have to stick around for a month before you can leave. We’re talking relationships. “Owing someone” doesn’t really factor in, because ultimately you have to take care of yourself. And you’re doing just that. Keep us posted, and ask another question anytime.

  19. Hi guys J

    I really hope that you can help me with my problem, because it’s starting to drive me nuts.
    I am 19 and my best friend is 23, we have been best friends for two years now, and I mean best friends.
    He knows everything about me and I about him, he is the most important person in my life, and he said that I was extremely important to him as well.
    We see each other almost everyday and if we don’t we constantly text.
    I know all of his friends and he knows quiet a lot of mine.
    Now my problem is that over the past month, I began to want more, but not without a reason.
    He began to approach me on a different level, he rather openly told me that he wanted to sleep with me.
    I have serious problems with casual sex, and he knows the reasons.
    I also told him that I’d be scared to ruin our friendship by developing feelings for him, despite being madly in love.
    He told me that he’d understand, but he still didn’t stop to try and convince me.
    But if I sleep with him, I’d be just like all the other girls he sleeps with, and he sleeps around a lot when he’s single.
    I know that he is the most faithful guy when he’s in a relationship.
    Another problem is that he told me that he wanted to sleep with one of my friends, but just so that he had her.

    I just don’t know if I am special, because I would never say that I am, but if I really am such an important friend, why would he suggest it, especially when he knows how I feel about it?

    I just can’t figure it out

  20. @Jessica….Does he just say he wants to sleep with you or does he talk about a relationship with you? Trust your gut on this one. Let us know and we’ll share our opinions.

  21. It depends on his mood, sometimes he just tries to convince me to sleep with him, but there are times when he tells me that all the sleeping around is not what he’s looking for. Whenever i try to encourage him to elaborate though, he starts to avoid the topic.

  22. @Jessica…Okay, thanks. Our gut is telling us to avoid this. You’ve got a good relationship going with him. We know you’re feeling more, but honestly, you’re just going to muddy the waters if you sleep with him. If he’s not professing his love for you, and telling you he has to be with you, then we’d suggest avoiding it. Have you watched our video on the topic? FWB? You should. Because many times woman think that by starting a FWB arrangement it will turn into something more serious and it never does. It just leads to confusion, resentment and hurt feelings. What do you think? ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.

  23. I won’t even think of sleeping with him until both motives are clear, my gut is also telling me not to.
    Thanks a lot for the help
    You really are great :)

  24. @Jessica….You are welcome. Keep us posted. And come back to ask another question anytime. Or just to check out what we have going. We are relaunching a brand new site soon. And thanks for spreading the word about us. We appreciate it! Take care of yourself.

  25. Hi guys. Here’s my situation – maybe the answer if obvious, but I’m a girl. We love to complicate things.

    So I’ve been next door neighbours with a guy roughy my age (I’m 29, he’s 28) for about three years. We haven’t said more than “hey” to each other the entire time I’ve lived here, and we literally share a front step. Things changed one day when I was having trouble with a household repair issue on that same front step, and cute neighbour boy just happened to be around. I asked for his help with a fix – he couldn’t help at the time, and we went our separate ways. Now comes the start of the confusion. A week later, he rang my doorbell and commented on noticing I hadn’t fixed my problem yet, then offered to give me a hand. I was floored, he just exuded kindness, which is a rare quality to find in a young guy these days. That day, there seemed to be something there – a connection? I felt it at least. We were at ease, there was a certain electricity. I could. not. stop. thinking about him and his kind eyes.

    Since that day, we started talking more and more. I would initiate conversation one day, him the next. I eventually got up the nerve to give him my phone number, and we started texting quite often. I asked him to come over and watch a movie, and he did. We started doing that quite regularly. He had an accident and was off work for a while, so I would bring him smoothies and slurpees to brighten his spirits. He was genuine and appreciative.

    After hanging out and watching movies for so long, it started to become less easy to ignore the spark. We had talked a bit about what a bad idea it would be to get involved with a neighbour, it was obvious there was something there. But what? One night we came dangerously close to crossing the line, and texted about it later. I told him that a sexual relationship would be exciting, of course, but that I know I would want more. His reply was that he preferred to keep things in the friend zone, as he was not looking for a girlfriend right now.

    Things changed a bit and only for a few days, before long we were back to texting and spending time together as we had been prior to “the talk.” Eventually we slipped into a certain comfort zone, and ended up crossing that line one night when he was hanging out with me. In my bed.

    We’ve been crossing the line pretty regularly since then. We’ve had the talk a couple more times, and I know it’s my own fault because he has told me a couple times that he doesn’t want a relationship.. but I can’t help but be confused.

    A bullet list of conditions leading to my confusion may be easiest.

    – he says he doesn’t want a relationship
    – he has told me he has a plan to enjoy his single life until he’s 30, then settle down, and that has been his plan for years
    – he had a girlfriend prior who hurt him badly, left him and took all his things while he was away at work. he makes it sound like he cared for her deeply and thus was hurt deeply.
    – he has a strained relationship with his dad and step-dad, recently having a falling out with the latter over an issue with the way his mother was being treated
    – he is very close to his mother
    – he opens up to me and tells me his innermost thoughts and feelings about his childhood, his parents, the way he feels about his job, his dreams, etc.
    – he sends me text messages late at night asking if he can come and sleep with me, and we snuggle and spoon all night, yet he says he doesn’t like to cuddle or even to be touched
    – he often comes over and all i do is touch him, for hours, rubbing his feet, back, even his head
    – his personality changes often – he will be open and communicative one day, then not contact me for a few days, then be distant and remind me that he is not for a relationship right now. it seems that when he feels I am getting too close, he backs way off.
    – he will not directly ask me for things, but hint that he wants or needs something and let me offer to give it to him
    – he tells me I’m his secret, though his mom knows that he has spent the night at my house, he doesn’t tell anyone that we are anything more than friends who hang out once in a while
    – I work night shifts, so I stop and get him a coffee when I come home from work. I leave it inside my door, he comes in the morning and gets it then locks the door when he leaves. I didn’t do it one day and he was sad about it, telling me that he looked forward to that and he wouldn’t ask me to do it anymore, with a sad face emoticon even! :(, as though he thought I hadn’t done it because it was a burdensome task. He hadn’t asked me to do that in the first place, it was just something I started doing.

    This guy is a super genuine and kind person, I don’t feel like he’s stringing me along as he has told me his intentions from the get go. What I’m confused about is whether this behaviour is normal in this situation. He acts like he wants me to take care of him, acts like he wants to trust and open up to me, but then remembers the girl that hurt him and how his stepdad hurt his mom, and pulls back? He seems damaged and hurt, and I want so badly to make it all better. As a result, I’m getting deeper into it and developing stronger feelings.

    Am I just setting myself up to get badly hurt, or are we building some sort of foundation for future possibilities?

    Too confusing!
    crw

  26. @CRW…….Okay, we’re going to be blunt here. And understand it’s coming from a supportive place. You’re putting in a lot more effort than he is. It seems that your the one who’s kind of pushed the relationship forward and the one who’s initiated things. It also seems like you might be a “fixer.” Someone who wants to come in and make someone’s life whole and perfect. When guys do this the term is “hero.” (They want to come in and be the guy to save the day and prove to the woman that there are good guys out there.) We’re sure some of this comes from a genuine place, and honestly you sound like a lovely young woman, but be careful here. You only know what he’s telling you. Some red-flags to consider. 1. Prior girlfriend hurt him badly. (You don’t really know what happened. And guys use this as an excuse a lot when they want to keep the new girl at arm’s length. FYI) 2. Strained relationship with father and step-dad, but VERY close to mother. We don’t know him, but we’ve seen that profile before. You want to be with a guy, not with a guy and his mom. 3. You’re his secret. Doesn’t share you with anyone. Of course he’s confided in his mom. (That wouldn’t be the first person we’d confide in. You?) 4. His personality changes often. (Inconsistent behavior often spells uncertainty on his part, or trouble overall.) Bottom Line: We don’t see this ending up well. We know this might have been hard to read, but we’re just being honest. Your thoughts? ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Spread the word on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. @TGPBuzz. Please take a moment to help a fellow reader. VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks

  27. I’m totally a fixer. Pearl Jam wrote a song about me. It was only hard to read in that it’s true, it’s what I already knew deep down, and it’s not what I want to hear. I’ll back off. If a guy’s going to be letting me do everything for him that his mom doesn’t do, or normally does but isn’t around at the moment, he should at least be telling people about it (often, and loudly, I think).

    The reason his mom knew was because she came to his house and called him when he wasn’t at home and she expected him to be there. He told her he was at the neighbour’s, and it was 9 in the morning. She put it together from there.
    I was thinking if the “that last girl really hurt me” bit was true, then he might need time to realize all girls aren’t like that. But I guess by now he knows enough of me to know that, and if he still don’t want it, it’s becoming pathetic on my part to be giving him everything he wants anyway.
    Anway thanks for helping me see the light, this is just what I needed.

  28. @CRW…..You definitely deserve to be with someone who’s giving as much as you; AND someone who loves and respects you the way you love and respect them. You’ll find it. Be patient. (We know that’s hard as well.) Take care and keep us posted on this situation and how you’re doing in general. And come back anytime to ask a question. Thanks for sharing our site with friends.

  29. Mafalda Costa // March 27, 2013 at 2:44 pm //

    Hello Guys.
    I’ve known this guy for almost a year and a half, and in the past half we’ve got pretty close. We agreed on a sexual relationship, besides friendship but it took nearly two months until we could actually do it (he had some trouble when putting the condom!).
    We live in a student residence and he comes to my room for shower, exercise and spending time with me. We spend hours talking, cuddling, watching series and movies…We share everrything. Three months ago he told he wasn’t ready for commitment and wasn’t in love.
    We assumed exclusivity and even now that I am way, we call each other everyday and spend ours on webcam talking…
    Sex doesn’t happen every night but still he stays until pretty late or sleeps in my bed.
    We talk about the future and tell each other how much we adore one another. He’s my king (that’s how I started treating him and he loves it) and I’m is angel…
    I think I’m falling for him but I’m not sure it can be corresponded…
    He’s really sweet to me…Buys me gifts and helps with whatever I need.
    Can it really be just sex?Or is there a chance of something more?
    Thank you.

  30. @Mafalda Costa…..Is he still saying he’s not in love. Because if he is you need to listen to his words not his actions. Because his actions are likely based on him wanting sex from you. Guys will do almost anything if they’re trying to get sex. It’s how he is after sex, or the time between sex that is more telling. Does he ever take you out?

  31. Mafalda Costa // March 28, 2013 at 9:32 am //

    He doesn’t say if he is or not. He doesn’t take me out…

  32. @Mafalda…..Neither are good signs honestly. This seems all about sex for him. Just our opinion. We’re sorry. Take care.

  33. Mafalda Costa // April 4, 2013 at 5:08 pm //

    Guys…he actually invited me out…wants to take me to the beach – the place he goes to when likes to be alone. And he’s talking about “if a meet your mother”…
    Would he say he loves to make to love with me if he didn’t mean it? He’s kissing me more, telling me is just mine and I’m a piece of sky…

  34. @Mafalda…..This is your call. Some guys will do or say anything for sex. That doesn’t mean that’s what he’s doing, but it’s always possible. This is your call. You have to look at the entire picture, not how he acts when he’s really horny. Good luck.

  35. I have been in a sort of FWB relationship for the last year and a half on and off. I met this guy when we were younger and we hooked up (although never had sex). It was a one night thing and we didn’t see each other again until a couple of yrs ago. We bumped into each other again one night and that’s when i ended up in this situation. For the first year it was very casual and we could go some months without contact, but it has changed in the last 6 months. I hear from him regularly and we’ve hooked up more often, but also gotten to know each other as friends. The reason i am writing to you is i spend most of my time confused. Apart from a couple of occasions he seems to mainly want to see me when he’s drunk, and he also tells me he loves me, talks if we got married and had kids etc. But always when drunk! (we still have not had actual sex as i won’t let it happen under these circumstances) The problem is he doesn’t seem very interested in me otherwise although he does keep up contact, i stopped initiating contact some time ago as sometimes he wouldn’t even reply. But he never goes more than a week at most without getting in touch. He’s been in an on off relationship for a while that he’s not committed to but at the same time he always gets back with her (he’s always telling me they’ve broke up but never tells me they get back together – i find that out from other people). Where i saw it as neither something or nothing- recently i have started to feel hurt and used, and think i’m now liking him too much in a situation that won’t go anywhere. We’re both in our 30’s so i don’t want to waste my time, but something keeps me hanging around because i let myself believe he feels something. He is well known for his commitment issues too! I can’t figure him out and need some advice please…

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