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If actions speak louder than words, what happened?

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Dear Guys,

I’ve read the answer to the question “Break up confusion: Will he come back?” And in the part you said, “actions speak louder than words.” This is were my confusion begins.

I was with a guy almost 2 years. At the beginning we both agreed that we were going to give a chance to our friendship and start as a couple. We had a great relationship, many things in common. We had fun together; he introduced me to his family, and I did the same. We never had a fight and everything was great in bed.

In the 4th month, he told me something like this, “I’m afraid I’m not loving you as you deserve.” So I told him, “Well maybe I’m not the woman you want. I love you, but I don’t want you to be with me if you don’t want to.”

Then he told me, “I’m not saying I want to beak up, I’m just saying that I’m feeling this way and it’s something that’s happened to me in my past relationships.”

So we didn’t break up until 2 months ago when we were having a disagreement. He then told me that he never felt he was in love with me. Then I asked, “But, what do you mean by love, because your actions always showed me that you loved me.” Because he never did anything that made me doubt about his love for me. He was caring. He always called me; he introduced me as his girlfriend to everybody and he never forgot my birthday or our anniversary. He was supportive; he always answered my calls. So, if actions speak louder than words, what happened with us?

I feel he’s not coming back, because he hasn’t tried to contact me in these last 2 months. But the thing that hurts me more is that he always showed me that he loved me through his actions.

Majolie

Dear Majolie,

Thanks for your question. We understand your confusion.

It sounds like your relationship started out as just a friendship and then the two of you agreed to give a romantic relationship a try. Is that right?

If so, it’s possible he wanted to be in love with you because he cared about you a lot as a friend, but once the two of you took the relationship to the next level he realized he just didn’t love you that way. Didn’t he say as much to you four months into your relationship? In some ways he was confessing to you, and asking you to make the decision about the future of the relationship. At this point if you had broken up with him, that would have been that. But since you deflected it back to him, he wasn’t strong enough to do it. Maybe this is because of your previous friendship, or because he was too weak to do the difficult thing: Break up with you.

You might say, “Well what about the sex? It was good, and he seemed into it.”

And you would be right; but that still doesn’t mean he was in love with you. Guys can have sex even they don’t feel giddy and in love. This doesn’t mean he didn’t care about you. On the contrary he probably cared about you a lot and was trying desperately to feel that special feeling. Unfortunately it never happened.

We’re sorry this is a difficult time for you. And we can understand if you feel betrayed and lied to. We don’t think he meant to do that, but he should have been strong enough to break up with you when he knew it wasn’t right. But he’s not the only person that hates to inflict pain on the people they love.

So in our minds you whole confusion stems from the non-action at the four month period of your relationship.

We wish you the best. Take care of yourself.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

 

 

 

 

 

2 Comments on If actions speak louder than words, what happened?

  1. Sometimes when a guy is in a relationship that he’s ambivalent about, he’ll go through the motions, because that’s what’s expected in the ‘boyfriend’ role. But that doesn’t mean his heart is in it.

  2. My first boyfriend and I broke up in June but started dating/getting to know each other since august 2012. I wanted to take things slow and he did too and I insisted on not going public that we were in a relationship. I did text and talk to other guys throughout the relationship but never cheated, I feel that was a huge mistake on my part and I regret it. He didn/t find out until around march, he saw I was texting two guys. Nothing bad though but they didnt know I had a boyfriend.
    It was an argument but I dont know if he ever forgot about it. He told me he had forgiven me and everything but things just felt different. After prom we didnt see each other for about a month because “things” kept coming up. I was very guarded with saying i love you and i miss you but i see now that i shouldve have much more often.

    My dad had cheated on my mom and that had changed my view on men for the rest of my life and so it was super hard for me to trust them. I see now that I had no reason not to.

    It ended because he said that he couldnt give me the time i deserve anymore and that he wanted me to do what was best for me but that he wanted to stay friends and that nothing had changed and he still loved me but that him leaving to brasil for his family over the summer, he didnt want me to sit around and wait for him.

    My question is, is there any hope to get back together? And if so, should i be the one to initiate it? Bc he always told me i never met him half way, which was slightly true. I feel bad about many things i did in the relationship, so should i be the one to contact him?

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