I’m dating several guys at once; Am I a player?

Hey Guys,

So I’ve always been really confident in my looks and intelligence. I know what I want and don’t want, especially in relationships. I usually talk to multiple guys at once, then narrow it down to 2-3 guys that I’m serious about dating. My friends tell me that I’m being a player…I’m definitely not sleeping with any of them. Sometimes, I go no further than a simple peck on the cheek.

Most of the guys I date know that I’m dating other guys. I’m honest and open with them. If they don’t like it, they have the option of moving on. I feel like we are all adults and make our own decisions. I am open and honest about my actions.

Now here are the real questions:

1. Do you feel like I’m a player?

2. I have always wondered, does it mean that I’m leading these guys on by not picking one right off the bat? I usually talk to them for like a month..date the 2-3 guys for like another month or two then decide.

3. I’m dating 3 guys right now, there’s one guy that I’m particularly interested in, but I found out that he’s a semi-virgin…while that kind of excites me…I think he’s a bit too sensitive for me. And honestly, he wants me to be exclusive already…I still want to date around for a little while more. I like the attention. How should I tell him that he’s probably the one I’ll choose, but he needs to wait for a little while more?

4. I never find the best way of breaking it off with guys. I usually ignore them. Does that hurt them more than just telling them I don’t like them? Would you recommend any other method of telling them it’s over that’s less painful?

Thanks. :)

Lily

Dear Lily,

Thanks for your question.

We don’t see an issue here. You have every right to date around while you figure out what you really want. This is the time to explore, NOT when you’re already in a committed relationship or when you’re married. So all the power to you.

However, there’s a caveat here. This only holds true if you are honest about your intentions. No one likes to be led on. No one likes to be used. And no one likes to be toyed with. If you are doing any of these things, then our initial statement is nullified. (We just wanted to remind you of that fact.)

Don’t worry about what your friends say. Everyone goes about figuring out life and relationships in their own way. Some people only get involved in serious relationships. Then they break up and move on to the next one. Sure, that’s one way of figuring out what works. But your way is just as valid.

So let’s get to your specific questions:

1. No, we don’t see you as a player. Although you do seem a bit like a serial dater. Are you ultimately looking for the one? What are you looking for exactly? (This could be what your friends are reacting to.) You can also get some feedback from the guys you are dating and breaking up with. What do they say when you tell them you’re no longer interested? Do they feel led on? (This is important feedback to process.)

2. Just be honest. If you’re doing that they can make their own choices on whether they want to give it a go with you.

3. We feel a bit uneasy about this one. If we were in this guy’s shoes, we wouldn’t want to wait around while you dated—and who knows what—with other guys. We wouldn’t blame him if he bolted. We understand you like the attention of many guys, but also understand that many guys will not be interested in being part of your dating stable. And they won’t want to play the game for that long.

4. Always best to be straightforward. Never, use the ignore tactic. Guys hate that. Actually, everyone hates that, and honestly it’s a bit cowardly. (Sorry if that was harsh, but it’s true.) Just be direct and do it fast if you’re going to do it. There’s nothing worse than a slow death.

Lily, you seem like you care about people, and care about what they think. And we understand you’re trying to figure this all out. However, what you really need to think about is: “What do I really want?” Because right now you seem a bit unsure what that is. And maybe this is also what your friends are reacting to. Are you looking for attention? Are you leading guys on to get that attention? Do you really want a serious relationship or do you want to just date and be free? Spend some time figuring that out, and then dating won’t seem as complicated.

Feel free to ask us a follow up question. Leave us a comment in the comments section.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

21 Comments on I’m dating several guys at once; Am I a player?

  1. Tiffany // July 2, 2012 at 3:18 pm //

    Hi!

    I was told that it would be faster if I ask questions here. I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years because of several reasons. After breaking up, I was really sad and was trying to move on. One might when I was drunk, I accidentally slept with one of my friends. After that, we’ve had sex several times and I asked him about relationship he told me that he didn’t want to date or be in a relationship right now, but he likes me and he would like to continue our fwb thing. He convinced me that as long as we like each other and we are only seeing each other, it’s almost like the same as being in a relationship except it’s not ‘announced to the world’. I wanted someone to be with me because I was lonely, and he wanted sex and found me attracticve. We studied together and watched movies together in his place or my place all the time. It’s like we are in a relationship (because we promised each other that we are not seeing anyone else, and if we do, we will let each other know), but none of our friends know about our special relationship/fwb. I am happy when i am with him, but both of us know that we are just having fun. We are not serious about our future together. It has been like this for more than two month nows. I have been thinking and I know I want to have a relationship. I want to be with someone who I really love and I would eventually marry the guy that I really love. I am 26 now and I think it’s about time to be serious about my future. I want to have a family. Therefore, I have been thinking about ending our secret fwb thing. I am not seein anyone else right now but I know if I keep having fwb with this guy then I won’t be able to see other guys. How do I tell the guy that I don’t want to do it anymore, but still remain as regular friends? We have many mutual friends so I don’t want to make things
    awkward. Is there a better way to tell him that I don’t want to sleep with him anymore? Am i making a right decision here? Thank you!:)

  2. @Tiffany….If you really want a serious relationship then yes, you are making the right decision. FWB arrangements rarely move to something more serious. (Watch our video on the topic. Go to: Friends with Benefits. The best way to do this is tell him that you don’t want to sleep with him. Don’t pull any punches. However, be prepared for the begging to begin. He’ll try to convince you it’s the same thing, and that maybe he’s interested but he’s not sure, blah, blah. If he was interested in something more serious that’s what would be happening. But let’s be honest, just because you’re not having sex with other people doesn’t mean you’re in a committed and serious relationship. Cut yourself loose and hope that he’s mature enough to remain friends with you. But there’s no guarantees that he will be, especially if he’s mad about you ending it. But please don’t let that stop you. You deserve more than this, and we’re glad you’re taking the first steps toward finding it. Take care and good luck. Let us know how things progress. And feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime.

  3. Talking about players, and what is and is not acceptable in ‘dating’…If you met someone in a random city and spent days together and nothing happened, then returned to living in separate countries but struck up an internet friendship that over two months led to a romantic rendevouz in a foreign city for one week which went amazing, then one month later you (the girl) goes to his city to see him,..then find he has been messaging with a fuck buddy of his 2 days prior to your arrival to come and take her clothes of at his house…is this a red flag? The situation is so unique, but the reason I ask is that we had already talked about me coming to see him, and him coming to see me, and I am actually moving to his city soon..so was this cheating? Even though we had never defined anything and I was not exactly the most forth-coming? He says he is 100% invested and that this was some sort of last hurrah, but I am worried that I’ll never get this out of my mind as some sort of betrayal, despite my liking him alot..and understanding how this could have happened, given we have known each other only five months and spent 2 weeks together physically in total. But then again in that five months we chatted everyday. I mean, I know he slept with someone before our rendevouz which is fine, it is the two hook ups (he said they made out) afterwards before I was coming to see him that hurts..though i wasnt just coming to see him to be sure..ie. I had other people to visit./things to do…

  4. and as an addendum he did say he had been preparing to see how this worked out, to take it to the next level, but then I freaked out and things are complicated..though we are both trying to work through this..sometimes with disastrous results.

  5. @Boobob…..Each person defines cheating differently. Some people don’t consider flirting cheating while others do. Some people give more weight to intentions while others only care whether or not something actually happened. In your situation you could make a case on either side. He didn’t technically cheat because you hadn’t agreed to be exclusive, yet. But on the other hand, you felt as if you were a couple, and so now it feels like he cheated. Both scenarios are valid. So what it comes down to is YOU. Like you said, will you be able to get over this? Will you be able to move forward? Will you hold this against him? Will this prevent you from getting close to him? Will this prevent him from wanting to get close to you? All those questions are questions that you have to consider. Our advice: Since you care about him a lot and see some real potential here, proceed forward cautiously. (Although caution and relationships are not always the best match.) But the reality is, you don’t know him that well, and until you have a better sense of who he is, you’re just going to have to wait and see. Good luck, and keep us posted as this progresses. Ask us as many follow up questions as you’d like. ps. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  6. hi. so we had a major fight and I broke it off..then we made up..its all very complicated. we had an amazing day, agreeing we would enjoy eachother for the time i have left in the city..but obviously we care about each other and there are deeper feelings there. Today he messages me that he hooked up with someone that weekend we had ‘split’ because he was so hurt and angry by the things I said (I was harsh). Now he is saying he wants me to understand that he is trying, that he cares about me deeply etc etc but it all seems a big mess now. :( what to do?

  7. ps. thanks guys you’re the best.

  8. @Boobob…….Wow, this seems like a mess honestly. Are you sure you want to try to make this work? It seems like it’s a lot of work. And the two of you really aren’t on the same page.

  9. guys. I feel like ive been totally played. It’s a mess. We ended it. It’s a case of him not being into me, yes? Even though he says he was trying to put a stop to his ways etc and preparing to make this work etc etc clearly he wasnt ready, right?

  10. @Boobob……That was our impression. He doesn’t seem close to being ready. It might be time to move on and open yourself up to new possibilities. That is, after you take some time to heal. Take care.

  11. Hi again guys,
    I swear you all are becoming like my source for an alternative, unbiased opinion! I did donate (it’s small) but I wanted to say I appreciate your time in answering all of these questions–and you deserve more donations than you probably get!

    Ok, so onto my question…..its about the whole “dating” thing. So I am now dating a new guy (new from my previous posts on the international dating question). If you recall I live overseas right now, and this new guy lives back in the states. We met in November online–exchanged many e mails….and then met in person when I went home during winter break. After meeting he would always call, text, introduced me to his friends, even talked about introducing me to his family, took me out, and we went out (on his initiative) almost every day (except for 2) for the three weeks while I was in the states (about 18+ dates). We also had a couple of overnights–and we did start having sex towards the end as well, but nothing changed–and he seemed like he wanted to spend more time with me than less even after that. When it was time to leave he said that he felt it was too early to “officially” make things exclusive…but that he was very hopeful for where this is going and for our future. He said that he would even ask me to stay in the states—but he knew going back and finishing my contract was wise, and he felt like it was an investment in our future.

    When I got back oversees he was also great. When I arrived before my plane landed he had an e mail waiting, just because he missed me and wanted me to have something from him for when i got back. He took down his dating profile, he said partially because he needed to study for his PHD exams, but also because he was looking but now he’d did not need to invest time in looking because he had already found someone he was interested in (me). For the past five weeks he has sent me a good morning text EVERY morning(my morning his evening), and called me every day on his way to work. We talk for longer periods of time on the weekend–He even suggested phone dates (which have been hard to really do with the time difference though). We were planning to visit during my next break march/april (where he was planning to fly here and we travel on this side or the world together)…but he even talked about us meeting somewhere in the middle after his exams (march 1st) because he did not want to wait that long to see me. He also talked about me going to Hawaii with him on his annual family vacation this summer.

    So last week he called a few times and my internet phone was not working so he did not get me. I called back immediately, and he said he was frustrated about the distance and the phone having difficulties—i became frustrated that such a simple thing would bother him so much and long story short-I asked how was he feeling about the distance now and the long distance dating thing that we were doing, and if it was working and if we should continue with it. He said that was a big question and he would process and get back to me (as he was walking into work and had to get off the phone). So yesterday he brought it up saying that he felt that we are dating still, not exclusive, meaning that there is a possibility of him going out with other people, and that he did not need to tell me that he was going out or if he kissed another person, but that until we were exclusive that it was a possibility (I think he brought that part up because I said if he started dating someone would he just give me a heads up). I then brought up that he had said before that he was not dating anyone else except me (though he was not saying we were exclusive) and he said well he should not have said that and the fact that we aren’t exclusive means that there could be others he’s dating (he even mentioned the specific name of a girl he was dating before me that he had once told me he stopped dating because we were going out so much and she was ambivilent towards him–and he wanted to get to know me while I was there). He also said but I care about you and am really into you–so I want you to hear that as well and I could decide I want to be exclusive tomorrow (don’t really know why he threw that part in there). Because of the time–he had to go, and I did not get to really respond, or ask clarifying questions about what he said. So I sent an e mail—-a really long–12 plus paragraph–rambling e mail about my thoughts and feelings, and how I felt we had passed the “just dating” stage, and that I was more of a get to know one person at a time dater, and I felt i was too invested in this and maybe we were not on the same page as I thought, and that maybe I needed space from this long distance dating thing, or at least to clarify what we really want from this (there was more but I will spare the details). So I text him this morning asking if we could finish our conversation, he called, but said he was very overwhelmed…he had been up since 4 am…he is about to take the most important exam of his life in a few weeks…he’s freaking out, and he should not have brought this up without time for us to really talk about it, and he certainly should not have brought it up before exams. He said that he wants to hear what I have to say…but he needed space, and that he was concerned about my response, and that he could just not have this talk right now. ******Ok so finally onto my question….we have been “dating ” for over 2 months now–an it feels to me the way we are is more like a exclusive dating relationship vs just dating. Is it normal for a guy to state that we are just dating, am I wrong to want to know if he is actually actively dating someone else right now, or not—and by him saying that given the nature of dating I should assume that he could be dating someone else. Am I wrong for wanting to know specifics–is he right in not wanting to give them. I wonder if this came about because of the distance does this mean he’ s not sure how serious he wants to be with me yet (even though he was talking seriously at the beginning while I was there)–should I be worried about this?? Also any other additional thought about his behavior—how he seems to be in your view–I mean I was never really worried or questioning anything until now–I truly thought we were on the same page–A little additional info…I am planning to move back to his city(and my hometown) in early July, and I am 34 and he is 37 both never married and no kids–we both want kids and are looking to get married and settle down…he has said that he’s not just dating to date, he is dating to find someone who he wants to marry. Thanks again guys for the help!

  12. @Shawn…..Nice to hear from you again. Thanks for your kind words and donation. We do appreciate it. So to your question. Everything you describe about his behavior up until him saying the two of you aren’t yet exclusive sounds like a guy who’s not only interested, but thinking long-term. His statement also threw us, and we attribute it to one of two possibilities. 1. He’s thinking you might be the one so he’s hoping to optimize your time away until July to “date” as many women as he can. If the two of you aren’t “officially” exclusive then he can have a “clear” conscience. We understand his thinking but it’s kind of lame. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. And we agree with you. You’re well past the casual phase of your relationship. It feels exclusive. 2. He’s only really serious about you when you’re in front of him. Which means he’s got some player qualities to him, thus giving you an explanation why he’s 37, still single, and not willing to commit to a great woman. ………..So what do you think? To us he sounds like he’s a little scared so we’d lean towards #1. Now you have some choices here. (Sorry for the number system. Makes it easier to break down.) #1 The two of you can try to work through this via long distance. And you can demand he’s either all in or all out. #2 Talk to him but if you’re not on the same page, just keep things the way they are. #3 You can agree to hold off on any sort of decision about your relationship until July. Which means both of you are free to date anyone you’d like. He might not like the idea of you dating people as well. If this is the case, we’d suggest cutting back on the communication a bit and both kind of doing your own thing for the next five months. (Stay in touch but more once a week or every two weeks.) And then just see upon your return. #4 Move on. To reiterate: We agree with you. This is no longer a casual relationship. But if he doesn’t see this or feel this you can’t convince him. He needs to be just as excited as you. If he’s not then you can’t ignore that. We’re not suggesting you throw in the towel. We see a lot of potential here, so the two of you need to work this out and come up with a plan. Last thought: Sometimes life intervenes with existing paths. Meaning, if you feel that the distance is the only issue, and that this relationship really deserves a serious chance, then eliminating the distance is something to consider. We’re not actually saying quit your job, we’re just saying that regret is a difficult thing to stomach. And that sometimes decisions that seem crazy and illogical are sometimes the decisions that are best for us. And maybe this doesn’t apply here, but keep it in mind for the future. Good luck and keep us posted. And ask as many follow-up questions as you want. We’re pulling for you. We hope this works out.

  13. Hey Guys! Thanks soooooooooo much for your advice! It’s very helpful. Today I have been doing a lot of thinking and clarifying and it has been helpful. As for why he said what he said about not being exclusive maybe it’s # 1 he wants to get the opportunity to date and make sure before committing—but really I dont even know if that’s it. About him having player tendencies –Once I asked him if he’s a player and he laughed out loud and said he is far from it. His friends confirmed this when I met them this winter–that he had been like a very awkward geeky guy when he was younger and he has come a long way (so never the player type ). On another note- I did write him a short message today, to which he responded by saying he was appreciative of the e mail both today and the long one (though the long one was overwhelming at the time). He said that he can’t help but to worry if Im ok…but he wanted to honor my request for space (I said I felt that might be the thing to do in my e mail, or for us to talk more about it–but that maybe we did not ned to talk to each other every day). He said he does need a minute to sit with things, but that we would talk soon( though no specific time and he is usually really good at giving a specific time).

    Also I agree (and thanks for the compliment) with what you said, I feel Im a pretty cool person—and dont understand why I guess he is not wanting to be exclusive right now. At first I agreed that maybe its too soon (he always talks about healthy relationships as he is a therapist) and I figured he did not want to rush into things….but he also said that he is 37 and single for a reason because maybe he is not totally wanting to give up his life and routine (not sure about the dating around thing but he has his ways and is particular about the routines in his life. )

    I just know that I dont want to add more stress to this time during exams, but after that I do want to talk about things and come to some sort of understanding….

    I dont know what Im going to do or what is best—but I do agree that we need to see if we can work this out. I guess maybe it would help to understand where he is coming from with the not wanting to say we are exclusive thing. Do you think that it’s too much to ask for that? I mean–I sort of feel though that he has to get there on his own–but it’s really hard since we felt so exclusive already.

    I also dont know if I should say that I do or dont want to still have some regular times to talk–or if we should just take a break until he is finished with his exams in three weeks. Maybe an e mail here or there —but thats about it. I would really rather talk about all this before then, and we were talking about seeing each other the weekend right after his exams so I don’t know where that stands cause in my e mail I said Im not sure that I want to still do that if its going to be a “just dating” type of situation. But what do you think–should we still plan to see each other regardless during my next break (or sooner) even if he still wants to date and not be exclusive?

    ok thats all for now—thanks again guys, you all are the greatest!

  14. @Shawn…….Look, you can’t completely second guess yourself here. We agree that it sounds like it was an exclusive relationship. And we were surprised he didn’t see it that way. So this needs to be discussed. If he bolts or says it’s too much than that’s an excuse. We mentioned there could be a reason he’s 37 and single and now you’re starting to see it. He doesn’t want to give up his “lifestyle” and freedom. (Funny that he’s a therapist but still isn’t willing to make the compromises necessary to commit to a relationship.) But maybe he can and we’re wrong. And if so, that means he’s not into you as much as he thought he was and he’s making excuses. But all of this needs to be talked about at some point. When is the question. Our suggestion: Let him initiate this discussion. And see him when exams are over. (We’re not completely sure of the timeframe of all of this and how you’ve left it as far as having a “talk.”) However, if he’s not willing to commit to a relationship then he shouldn’t get what comes with a committed relationship. What is that? Sex. (That’s our opinion at least.) Not that you should play games, but really, we doubt you want to be having sex with him while he’s out carousing with other women.

  15. Hi Guys,
    Thanks—I will try not to second guess myself.

    Regarding the sex–no I don’t want to really be having sex while he’s out possibly dating and kissing(only saying this cause he mentioned something about one kiss on a dat begin ok) other women. (Of course right now we have not had sex in over 5 weeks since Im living overseas) but during our visits it seemed implied that we would be having sex again when we were together. However, when we first started having sex–of course we were not in an exclusive relationship—but we did say that we would not have sex with other people, and that does still stand. I just wonder what makes now different from then other- than the fact that back then he told me he was not even seeing anyone else at the time—and now he’s saying that since we are “dating” that means he “could” go out on dates with someone else as that’s part of what “dating” is. Though I forgot to say he once said that the time to mention things to each other about other people more specifically is if one of those dates turns into something that changes the feeling that we have towards one another. He has mentioned pervious times that this distance thing is really hard, and he would fly right out here if he did not have exams—and that he feels like he is getting to know me still–and enjoying that but getting to know me in this way with the limited time (due to exams and time differences) and distance is just very hard and very different than what he is used to. He has also mentioned that he felt he would have a lot more time after exams are finished, and that if I was there then this would be a totally different story.

    As far as timing and when we will talk …..this is the e mail that I got from him yesterday–it does not really say a specific time—but I feel like I can’t wait to talk about this forever since he won’t finish his exams until the end of February—————————————————————————————————–Mon cherie (this is one of his names for me)
    I appreciate this and your previous email as well (even if I found it overwhelming right now).

    I can’t seem to stop myself totally from worrying about how you’re doing but I’ll try (I told him in an e mail not to worry about me Im fine). I hope you are taking care of yourself.

    I do think I need a minute to sit with everything in the midst of also starting to take the exams in just 12 days now. And I do want to honor your request in your last email that we take a step back and not be talking everyday and so on. We can talk more at some point about exactly what you are wanting(I think he means in terms of in the relationship) but I think that was at least clear.

    All of which is to say that I wanted to at least return this email and tell you I’m sending you positive intention warm fuzzies wishing you well.

    Talk to you soon
    ______________________________________________________________________
    So like I said Im not sure what to make about the timing of this conversation. I mean I figure we HAVE to talk before exams because we did not decide if we would fly to meet somewhere (March 1st) or travel together during my spring break (March 28) or if Im just going to go home and visit him and we won’t travel or what! I sort of need to make plans—cause ticket get more expensive the longer we wait….

    Anyhow–I guess I just need to figure out what I want–and how long I can wait for us to really have a chance to talk about this. Please let me know if you have any additional advice or thoughts given the e mail or the new info in the first paragraph. Or what you think about having had sex before in the beginning without begin exclusive dating—but now not having sex cause he won’t be exclusive yet—maybe its a question of how long does it take a guy to know that he wants to be “dating exclusive” with you, and how much does the distance thing and the fact that he won’t be able to physically have someone there to even continue to get to know until July play into this?

    Oh and to say thanks , I am sending another donation—cause I know right now you guys are devoting a lot of time to my many. many questions! So again Thanks!

  16. @Shawn……What strikes us in his email is that he talks about discussing what you want and what you need but not what he really wants and needs. And that’s the mystery here? He sees potential, but feels he’s still getting to know you. He wants to date other women possibly and see if there’s potential with other people. That just isn’t the behavior of a guy who is WAY into a woman. That said, there are guys who get scared about commitment and he certainly seems to fall into this category. To answer your specific question: Guys usually know right away what type of potential they see in a woman. 1. Not interested at all. 2. Friend potential but no attraction. 3. Physical attraction, but sex only. FWB. Girl might be sexy but not really their type. 4. Relationship potential. …..It’s hard for us to say where he falls. Clearly there’s physical attraction, but he’s being a bit wishy washy about the relationship piece. Question: What else do you have going? If you really think there’s potential here then waiting around 5 months is not really that big of a deal. We’re not saying it’s going to all work out, it’s just we don’t see the point in throwing in the towel yet. Sure, some clarification might be nice, but even still, you might not get that until you move back to the states. That said, we also see no reason why you can’t put yourself out in the world and be open to other possibilities. YOu might be surprised at who you meet. Thoughts? ps. Thanks for the second donation. You’re very thoughtful. Most people want us to answer their questions immediately but have no sense of how much time each question takes. Thank you!

  17. You guys are welcome—I can only imagine the time that it takes to read through all of this emotional information!!!! Then to answer the questions too! So thanks.

    Well update- he called tonight on his way to work as he normally does—he asked could we just talk but hold off on having the big convo – I figured cause we have found out it’s not good to get into these big or more intense conversations in the short time before he goes to work. He asked how I was–and about my day, and told me how the studying is going and his goals for that. Quickly he was at work–and he said that it was good to talk to me, and we would talk soon. I must admit it was good to hear from him and just talk to him…one thing that I found a little strange when we talked is that I said my boss had asked was I coming back after the summer today—and I told her probably not. To that he asked ” oh have you absolutely decided that you are moving back to the states in July”–which makes me think he is not even certain that I have decided to move back.

    ****I guess in regards about the e mail and him saying to discuss what I want and need is because maybe he feels he has already said what he wants–(when we had the conversation this weekend about the dating)-that was in response to me having asked before how did he feel about the long distance thing we were doing, so maybe he thinks he has already said–of course unless it changes)..

    as for what i have going on–not much right now—there is the other guy who is back in the states(that I wrote to you guys about in October) –who has herp2, who is sort of interested—but he’s in the states and that’s sort of the same issue of getting to know someone who is not here –plus I dont know if I want to deal with the std thing. Also there is one guy not too far from here (a few hours away driving in a neighboring country) we met online and he said maybe we could meet when he is in my city–which is frequently.

    I agree not to throw in the towel—but to see what is out there especially if we can’t agree about what we both want for this period that there is distance. I will say that he has been in only one super serious relationship before and it ended badly, and he said for about three years after that he did not even thing he could be in anything again. He said that he know he has issues that he is working on–and he hopes that does not keep him from actually getting into the relationship he wants (leading to marriage and children). So maybe he is scared, maybe the distance and uncertainty and that we have not had a chance to be in the same city except for 3 weeks has something to do with the hesitation—but I agree that if these things keep him from wanting to commit to at last putting his focus on getting to know me (without going out on dates with other people) in the next five months until Im back–then I may continue to talk to him and stay in some contact—but I need to see about getting to know other people as well. At lest that what I think today–haha. Thanks aging guys for the advice—I will post updates once I have more resolution about this– and I have been , and will content to tell my friends about the site!

  18. Oh just thought of something else—our phone conversations have not been so awesome at times(like he is misunderstanding what Im saying or I get defensive about something) —and maybe just having so so phone conversations for the last 5 weeks made him step back and not be so into things???? They were not always like that but there have been a few….

  19. @Shawn…….Of course having said everything we’ve said we will admit that conducting a long distance relationship is not easy. You haven’t spent a ton of time together face-to-face, and while phone is better than text or email, it’s still not like the day in, day out connections people have when they’re together in the same city. When you have that talk with him see if you can try to really listen and understand one another and keep things open until you really have a chance to explore more when you’re back in the states. If one of you meets someone else in the meantime, then you’ll figure that out when the time comes. Definitely keep us posted. And thanks for spreading the word about us. Take care.

  20. Hey Guys! so just wanted to give an update…but before that I wanted to check to make sure that my paypal donation did go through! I got a message about my account—and want to make sure that the payment did not get reversed or anything. If so let me know and if needed, I will send it again. You guys do a great job answering questions and I want to be sure that you know that!

    ****Ok so to the update. Things are going VERY WELL since I wrote last. he has said that he wants things to progress with us, and we have made plans to see each other during my spring break. He also said that this is our trip (not just mine or his), and that he wants to split the cost in half (even though my ticket is higher than his). We have decided that I will meet him in the states for a few days, and we will get to go out (he’s already suggested dates) and then we will together fly to paris and spend about 10 days in France and maybe Italy too! Also since I wrote last there has not been ONE day that he has not called me to talk(actually there has not been one day that he has not called since we met in December), even with his insanely busy schedule leading up to his PhD exams. He is now in the process of taking them and said that he is so appreciative of my support during what he said is the most stressful time of his life. I also feel really good about my individual future, and have gotten out more, and feel that my life is in a good place, no matter how things turn out! Also I realize that I want someone to commit to begin totally exclusive with me when they feel like they are truly ready and it’s up to me to continue to meet others and keep my options open as I get to know them better too. So I don’t really have a question (besides the pay pal one) but just wanted to update you all on the situation! Thanks again for al of the advice!

  21. @Shawn…..We love the positive energy of your note. Thanks for keeping us posted. Please continue to do so. And good luck. We like the sound of your plan and the direction your life is headed. Good for you. As per the Paypal. It says “pending.” So we’re assuming it will all work out. Thanks for that! We do appreciate it.

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