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I’m twenty. Should I move in with him?

Dear Guys,

I’ve been in a long distance relationship for half a year now and everything is amazing! We’ve seen each other a few times since we’ve met but we’ve kept in contact everyday for the past 6 months. We don’t hook up with other people and I’ve met all of his friends who say he’s madly in love with me. I trust him 100 percent and we have an amazing bond that feels so right. We’ve been having serious conversations and he wants me to move in with him. We feel so lost without each other when we’re not together and I love the thought of moving in with him. But I’m 20 years old and I keep wondering if it’s too soon. When the thought of moving in comes to mind I think of marriage and not being together for the rest of our lives.

Do you think it’s too soon to move in, if it were to happen in a year or so? I know we’re going to stay together but long distance is so hard! If a guy is already ready to move in, how is he viewing me as, a potential wife?

Thanks for all your help!

Jenny

Dear Jenny,

Thanks for writing to us. Hopefully we can shed some light on this for you. Or at least give you some things to think about.

You didn’t mention how old he is so we’re assuming he’s around the same age as you. Is that right? Also, what is he currently doing with his life? Is he working, or is he in school, or something else? And what are you currently doing?

Moving in with someone is not necessarily part of a progression that leads to an engagement and marriage. It can be, but it can also be part of a progression that leads to breaking up. Moving in with him does not come with any guarantees, nor should it. Not much in life does. But it sounds like you’re more worried that it will go in the other direction if you move in with him. Or that you are too young in general to be making these kind of decisions.

So let’s start with your age.

If you think you are too young then you are too young. Meaning if you’re worried about moving in with him, it might not be the right time for you. Typically someone your age is in college, or working and trying to get a career going. They like having their independence, and like to keep their options open. However, if you’ve really found someone you love, there’s no arbitrary number that is the right number. In some ways being younger is better than being on the older side because there’s much less pressure on both parties to make decisions they’re not ready to make.

If you’re worried that he wants to move in with you so he can get the milk for free, that’s possible, but it doesn’t sound likely in your case, at least from what you describe of your relationship. It really does sound like he cares for you and wants to simply be with you much more than he is now. These are good reasons to move in together. Why not be with each other and enjoy each other on a daily basis?

Now a few things to be aware of before you make your decision:

-Your age is the best thing about the situation and the worst thing about the situation.

-Living with someone will not tell you if he’s the right person to marry. Those are two very different things. Living together just tells you if you can live in the same home together. Certainly if you find it easy to be with each other that helps, but it doesn’t answer larger questions like: Do we want kids? How many? When? How do we feel about money? The same, different? Where do we want to live? What goals do we have for ourselves, and as a couple? And the list goes on. Marriage is about long term commitment and working out issues together with open, honest, and positive communication.

-Giving up your own dreams, aspirations, and goals to move in will only lead to resentment down the road.

If you decide to move in with him we think you should think about one more thing. While you don’t want to put pressure on him, having a set time frame in your own mind where you will know the answer to your question-will we get married someday?-might be helpful to you. (Example: Like in two years I’m out of here if I think he’s stalling.) This will make you feel less powerless. Ideally you want him to come to the same conclusion that you have: that he wants to be with you for the rest of his life, which means getting married and building a life together. But if you do decide to come up with a time frame, no need to mention this to him. You’ve got a few years before that conversation comes up anyway.

Finally, if he is the one, consider yourself lucky to have found someone special so early in your life. That’s rare, but if it works, you get to spend your whole lives together. Just make sure he feels just as lucky as you do. You deserve that.

Best of luck. And send us a follow up, answering some of the questions we asked. And keep us posted on what you decide. Our readers will be interested as well. Please check back to read the comments to get more opinions.

THE GUYS

Readers: Please leave a comment. We’d like this to be a forum where people can voice their opinions and help each other out.

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