International Long Distance: Is it possible?

Hi Guys,

This past year I’ve met the most amazing guy.  I was 18 (now 19) and he is 25. We met at work where he was an exchange student from Brasil, along with about 26 other students. We started talking and we exchanged numbers just after two days. Before the week was up we had gone for a date and had a great time with other friends until 4 in the morning. We decided to start dating but with the understanding we would not be in a long distance relationship once he left to go home.

We spent a perfect month together. Whenever I wasn’t busy with my extra load of classes (8) and both my full time and the part time job, I would go see him very late in the night or very early in the morning. We slept together a few times but only into the second half of the time. I was acceptedby the other internationals and we were a big family. Then one by one they left. He left and I went with him the whole way to the airport. We said good bye knowing it could be years until we saw eachother again if that.

With the exception of the day he was traveling we have texted eachother every day for the past two months. There’s isn’t an hour that goes by that I don’t think of him. He fully supported me in my career choices only worrying about the amount of sleep and food I was getting. And he left early because he had a federal job waiting for him at home. I don’t want to affect his career because I want him to succeed and we have talked about me coming to visit, but because of his work he would only have a few days to spend with me. He said that in two winters he will have a whole month off and seemed excited about a visit. We have skyped three times since he left. The first time was within a week of getting home and I talked to his dad who said that I would always have a home there,which astounded me. I told him I would be honored. The second time was for an hour just because we both had time and the third time was the day after my birthday in which I met his mother and sister in addition to his father. They seemed friendly towards me but because of the language barrier not much was said. We all had a good time though and it was very exciting.

Now it seems like he is less about the cute relationship stuff and now we just talk about general stuff and how we are doing. After flirting just a bit with him the other night I asked if it was okay or if I was crossing a line. He said I just don’t want you getting confused that we are just friends. I was told that in Brazilian culture it is normal for children to stay home till early 30s then start on there own. Is he just distancing himself from me for protection or does he really mean he just wants to be friends?  Because I feel like I’m getting mixed signals and I am being very patient as much as I can.  And would a trip sooner (with in a year) be a good or bad idea?

Thanks in advance.

Maddie

Dear Maddie,

Thanks for your question.

Meeting someone the way you met this guy has an element of fantasy to it. It’s like meeting a mysterious guy while vacationing in the tropics. The two of you spend a romantic few weeks together, away from the daily grind, and it seems like absolute bliss. It is absolute bliss. But when you both return to your respective lives all of a sudden reality sets in. Now it’s back to jobs, grocery shopping, old friends, familiar routines, and those wonderful memories recede to that place in your brain where the exciting moments in your life reside.

We’re not saying what you experienced wasn’t real. It certainly was for both of you. But now what’s happened is that you are trying to keep the moment alive and he’s resisting. He may be very fond of you—obviously he is or his parents wouldn’t be so kind to you—but he’s probably weighing all the possibilities in his mind and he’s not sure how this is going to play out.

Likely Pros in his mind:

1. He thinks you’re interesting and great.

2. He’s attracted to you.

3. He has a connection to you.

Likely cons in his mind:

1. You live in different countries.

2. You’re from different cultures.

3. He wants to get his career off the ground.

4. You’re younger and he’s not sure how he feels about that.

5. Will his family accept you completely?

6. Where will you live?

7. What will you do in the meantime? How often will you see each other?

8. What about all the beautiful Brazilian women? Should he be dating them?

9. The list goes on.

Now, just because the “con” list is longer doesn’t mean the “pro” list can’t win out. There’s a lot to be said for a strong connection between two people. But he needs to see that for himself. And you can’t convince him of that. But what you can do is try to arrange a time to see him. Sooner rather than later. We’re not telling you what to do, but he does need reminding of the great connection the two of you have. Skype and texting aren’t going to do it. And in these situations someone has to take the initiative. If he’s not going to do it, then you might have to. You just need to ask yourself what you’re willing to do to make this happen? The thing is, there’s nothing worse than regret. And it seems that if you don’t see this through to the end you might have regrets. That’s not a good thing.

But this is something you should discuss with your family if you can or close friends. Some questions to talk over: Should you visit him? Or should he visit you? Where will you stay? Will it be safe to go there? Why are you going? And what does he really think?

You see, if you go there even after him telling you that you’re just friends, you have to understand that you might be disappointed. But still, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. You’ve got a lot to think about. Good luck.

Let us know if we can help in any other way. Feel free to ask us a follow up question.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. And check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page. Read some great guest women writers. Thanks!

Other questions about Long Distance Relationships:

Long distance relationship; he cheated on me but then told me

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

Wooing at a distance

Long distance work situation; Is he interested or just being nice?

Military Gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on?

Contemplating a long distance relationship; could we be something more? 

Long distance relationship; I want him back even though he cheated 

 

46 Comments on International Long Distance: Is it possible?

  1. Dear Guys

    I’ve recently met a guy by chance. My friend in the army stationed near by came to visit with his fellow buddy. It was nice to hang out with them while I was unemployed without anything to do in a regular basis. It ended up that I took my friends buddy out touring while my friend slept in and we had a great time. They were in town for three days, although short and the first night was a bit weird myself and the guy had a gun two days cramming touristy stuff together. The first time we were together I decided to put my arms through his and we walked along tourist spots. Eventually he and I walked holding hands until we met up with my friend. I felt kind of guilty for holding hands in front of my friend so we sneaked a few here and there while the there of us went sight seeing. That night we had dinner and drinks hung out together through most of the night. Every time we say next to each other he would put his arm around me or simply grab my ass (ok slightly not romantic), massage my leg, or simply hold my hand all under the table. I think he caught on that I was slightly uncomfortable doing that in front of my friend since we both just met.

    The last day they were in town the three if us continued our sightseeing and the two of us sneaked holding hangs together the whole day and he would occasionally wrap his arms around me. My friend decided he needed a nap so left us both to explore some more. We hung out again just the two of us and enjoyed the rest of the evening. It was like a date almost. At the end of the night I got stuck without transportation and so I ended up crashing with them at their hotel. We three talked about our day and the game plan the next day before their departure. My friend and I ended up talking quite a bit so the guy fell asleep. Since there was only two beds and I was sitting across from my friend, the guy and I ended up sleeping in the same bed. I must admit though slightly uncomfortable since I’m not one of those girls who can do things like this. It usually takes me a while to get in bed with a guy after dating them. Some how without a choice so I slept comfortably on one side if the bed while he took the other. I jokingly said he could take the floor but that didn’t happen. He was nice enough to offer me a shirt to sleep in as well. In the morning when I woke up his arms were around me once again and we ended up cuddling together for a few hours. Nothing more than just sleeping in the same bed, but it was nice to cuddle with someone.

    It was nice to just hang out like one of the guys with two army guys, but I ended up having a fantastic time with one of them. We eventually sneaked a kiss before he left and he told me next time I’m in his part of town he’s returning the favor.

    I’ve dated military guys before and although tough at times they are one of the best guys I’ve met. Since we both live in different countries, although only a short two hour plane ride away, I’m just not sure how to approach this. He did say he doesn’t have any prior commitments or girlfriend but there’s no real way of knowing. However the other kicker is he’s younger than me by about four years which means he might just not be looking to get involved in the first place. He did mention he isn’t looking for anything serious right now. I’m 29 although I look way younger so we both look about the same age, but he definitely acts more mature than me.

    We’ve been messaging each other daily since he left. He would message me on chat when he got up and we would talk to each other throughout the day and even got to a point of comfort we’d send teasing pictures of each other. I don’t mind playing along but I don’t send naked pictures so I did draw the line at hey check out my great abs! He did send me a pretty non-PG pic to which I jokingly said that could potentially be blackmail material. Anyway we have been messaging each other daily until this past week when he got busy. He messages me in the evenings still a bit flirty and we haven’t really exchanged that much contact. For two weeks we were chatting daily whole day, and now it’s just a bit in the evening. I don’t overly text him since that seems needy. I usually wait for him to initiate then reply. Otherwise I would send him a hilarious picture and say have a great day. This week he’s out in the field for 2 weeks so I sent him a text saying you take care out there. That was it…I hate over thinking but I can’t help but think maybe I was being a bit much.

    I’m good at friendship but have been a lost cause on relationships…I’m not sure how to go about being in one. I do like him and good guys are hard to find. He’ll be around until 2015 then back to the states. So chances are I make things happen in the next few years and see how things go or just forget about it. I really like this guy and it seems like he is some what interested in me too…but whole “I’m not looking for anything serious right now” makes me a bit cautious. Maybe he will be and if he is then I’d like to outlast the competition and have him pick me. I’m a fun outgoing girl, but have been bad with previous relationships. Therefore playing it cool, but the whole overseas long distance thing has its cons more so than the ups…I guess what I need to do is figure what I want and decide if I want to just play with him for a little or be the permanent girl in his life…I would rather be the permanent girl so any help would be great on achieving this…thanks!

    -Sarah

  2. @Sarah…..Well, this all sounds good….except the long distance part and the 2015 date. Our suggestion, keep in touch with him, be friends, maybe a little more if you’re comfortable with that. Let him continue to be the initiator and just see where this goes. Under the circumstances, a long distance relationship might be very difficult and emotionally taxing. Why not keep it casual and just see what happens? That way, you’re still open to other possibilities. It’s kind of like knowing you possibly could have a surprise coming, but you don’t have any expectations about it. You mention you’re not good with relationships. Well, honestly, whatever you’re doing is working, so keep doing it. Don’t over think things here because if you’re not dating you really can’t do anything wrong. Just stay away from sending naked pictures or other “blackmail” material as you say. Good luck and keep us posted as this progresses. Feel free to ask us a follow up question. ps. You might enjoy reading our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s, “Rebecca, a memoir.” Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  3. Dear Guys,

    Last summer, while I was in USA, I met a guy and can’t keep him out of my head. We were both participants in a 4 weeks workshop related to our field of research, me as a master student (23 from Canada, now 24) and he has a PhD (40 from Italy, now 41). However, we were at the same level during these advanced lessons and we ended working together with another guy for our group project.

    I don’t know if it’s because of our similar shy personalites, or the fact we both felt lost in the English environment surrounding us (French is my usual langage) but we clicked quite well and started hanging out together in break time, and eventually during week-end and every evenings in the last two weeks. Things stayed platonic between us, but he often insisted to pay for drinks and dinner and walked me home every night. We had discussions about many subjects that are not related to our field of research. We both needed these moments of evasion because the work we had to accomplish during the day was harsh. One day, I arrived late to class and our other teammate was mocking him because he was worried about me not being there.

    When we both had to go back to our countries, I was devastated and cried in his arms. I spent the first weeks back feeling lost without him around, but life had to go on. So, I made an important decision and started my PhD studies. I cannot deny he had a role to play in this,because he is the one who made me realise I have a lot of potential (I think he overestimates me, but it’s nice to have someone who believes in you so much). Also, I knew a PhD meant more international mobility and the possibility to meet him again in conferences.

    In fact, last december I had to go in France for a meeting and asked him if I could fly to Italy after it. He happily agreed to the suggestion and I spent 10 days at his place. I met his friends on different occasions, and he brought me to meet his parents and grand-mother (communication with them was quite limited by the fact that I don’t speak italian, and they barely speak English…). He also guided me in different locations like Florence and always invited me to dinner or cooked. However, things stayed platonic between us and he insisted that I sleep in his bed while he stayed in another room. I could have tried to let him know I would like more, but I thought that if he doesn’t act, that’s probably because he’s just not interested in that kind of relation with me. I do have a lack of confidence in myself when it comes to men because I’m overweight.

    My time there also proved to be an occasion to know more about his past love life. He opened himself to me and talked about that 6 year relationship he had that ended up abruptly when she left him for a guy he knew and how she broke his heart. That was 8 years ago and he didn’t have any major relationship since. In another conversation, he also told me he never brings girls home. However, he told me he would like to get married one day.

    Since I came back, we communicate only by emails once or twice by month (or SMS if there’s something urgent). It’s less than I would like, but I know he his under a lot of stress with work. I am well aware of what he has to go through because I have similar hard and time-consuming deadlines. He admitted he is a disaster in that aspect (to cite him), but I know he didn’t keep contact with our other teammate and had almost no contact with his close friends the whole month we were in the USA. Lately, I took italian lessons and sometime I communicate with him in his language. His responses in Italian are different, more affectionate words are used, and this made me realise that the distance I sometime feel may be more related to the fact his not confident in English. Or maybe I’m blinded by the fact that everything in Italian seems more romantic…

    When I was with him last december,he invited me to a conference at his university next september. I asked him lately if he would like me to get there earlier to stay for a longer time with him. After mentionning his surprise, he wrote that it was hard for him to answer and it made him sad, but he couldn’t assure me this early where he will be (he’s constantly moving between his two homes in different part of Italy), but as soon as he thinks of a way to see me, he would let me know.

    I am very confused about everything. Am I seeing things where there’s nothing ? On one side, he gives me more attention than he would with any other colleague, but on the other side, he never tried to overpass the platonic step (except few kisses on the cheek or put his hand on my thigh or in my hair to reassure me) Could he see a potential relationship between us in the long term, even with all the barriers (cultural, distance, age difference, potential work competition, languages, past relationships …) He knows I’m an independent girl and that I would not be scared to move in another country (one of his question I answered).

    A friend told me, “if things are meant to be, they’ll happen…”, but I added that nothing will happen if we don’t believe it may and act in that sense. However, sometime I can’t help having the feeling that I have been cast in a bad Hollywood movie (what were the odds that I fell in love with an Italian while I spend one month in an American university?).

    thanks,

  4. @Mawic…….Don’t you think in some ways all encounters are random and unlikely? Think about it. What are the odds of two people meeting up, connecting and falling in love? So your situation—even though we agree it seems very random—really has no less potential than any other random encounter. So that’s the good news. And your friend is right, “If things are meant to happen they will.” But you’re right too. Luck is not as random as some people think. You have to put yourself in a situation to get lucky, whether it’s with your career or with love. We like that you’re doing that with your entire life. Good for you. More people should take the risks you are. Having said all that, the not so good news is, if he was really into you it seems he would have tried to move your relationship from the platonic to the romantic. He’s had plenty of opportunities and hasn’t done anything yet. We do realize that he could view the situation as difficult and not be sure he wants to even try. (Age difference, different countries, language, etc.) But still we think he would have at least tried to have sex with you while you were there. Our sense is, he feels a bit paternal with you, as if he’s looking out for you, encouraging you, etc. What do you think? Is that possible? But even though we’re not sure about this we still think you need to see this all the way through, otherwise you’re going to feel regret, which is the worst thing in life. What does this mean? At some point you’re going to have to tell him how you feel. It’s up to you to decide when the best time for that to happen is. But it should happen for you to feel like you did everything you could to give this a chance. What do you think? Please feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime. Or another question. ps.Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” You might enjoy it! And let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  5. HopelessRomantic // June 13, 2012 at 11:45 am //

    Dear Guys,

    I met this European guy last october. We were at a club, caught each other’s eyes, and at the end of the night, we both happened to leave at the same time and we linked arms and walked out the club together without having said a word to each other. We spent the night at his hotel room and it was one of the best night’s of my life because of our conversation (we did hook up but didn’t have sex). We realized we had so much in common. And I realized he is my dream guy. Someone that is cute, funny, and a nerd at heart. We both knew we weren’t going to see each other again. I live in the states and he was only in town for a business trip and was headed back to Europe. In the morning though, he asked kind of shyly and sweetly if he could have my number and wanted to take me out to dinner next time we saw each other. I thought maybe he was asking for my number to be polite, but how he asked it made me feel like he wished we would see each other again. When he got back to Europe, he sent me a couple of txts about how great of time he had, etc. and that hopefully we will see each other soon.

    Realistically, I know nothing can come of this unless we both are on the same continent, and preferably the same country (disclaimer: I do see myself moving to europe at some point in my life). But he is such a great guy and different from guys that I usually date. And I haven’t met a guy like him since. I want to keep in touch with him, but don’t know if it’s appropriate considering we haven’t been in touch for 9 months. Is it best to just let fate do its work and if I go to Europe reach out then? Or can I go ahead and txt him and let him know my full name for facebook or email?

  6. @Hopeless Romantic…..Has he tried to connect with you via email etc. since you saw him? (Besides the few texts) Or has he asked to? We can’t see any reason why you wouldn’t try to keep in touch with him and give him your name, etc…..UNLESS you were worried about him in some way. (Meaning, you don’t want to give a “stranger” your contact info.) But other than that, why not? It’s still a long shot anyway, but if you keep the connection open, maybe it won’t feel that way to him, and he’ll make some effort to actually see you again. These days, with the internet, and the world becoming smaller, these types of connections are happening more and more. We say go for it. What’s the worst than can happen? Nothing. Which is what’s going on right now. But when you do get in touch with him, make sure he’s also initiating communication as much as you are. That will help you gauge whether or not he’s as into this as you. Your thoughts? Feel free to ask us a follow up question. And keep us posted. Check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page. Lots of good female writers on there.

  7. I met a guy 4 month ago… and i think i liked him a lot, but he is from another country and he is going to stay here until September!
    From the beginning we started to talk and we talked a lot about different things, were going out, we were good friends. he liked me from the beginning, but I was very shy and i told him, that we should stay friends, I wanted to know him better until we would start something like a relationship…
    In fact we are both very shy!
    After one month he said he liked me a lot and he wanted us to be couple – me, to be his girlfriend and he said, that he didn’t want anybody but me, and that he never met someone like me. So, we started to date, but he had very busy working schedule and he still has. 2 months he couldn’t even go out with me, i was saying nothing, i was very patient. We communicated very little, because his work, i really believed he was busy.
    Few weeks ago i send him a message and I asked him if he had some free time, to spend it with me. so…. i got an answer that he was at his friend house, it was for business and that i should understand! I was terribly disappointed and i send him back the message, that i wouldn’t send him messages anymore, he said that i’m mean and that he wanted me to send him messages. I said, that if he liked me, he could at least spend 15 min with me, or at least send me little message, like “I’m busy”. he said nothing. After this he stopped sending messages to me, for 2 weeks i didn’t get any news from him and i texted him only 3 times, i was trying not be annoying, I just asked him to explain what’s going on, if he wanted to end everything, he could say it to me, but if he was busy, to tell this to me as well. At last, on last Saturday we talked on FB. He said that he decided to give me some time, because he is bad with words and that it would be good for both of us to stay apart for a while, that he likes me, but because of his work and that his life for this time is too crazy, he can not have any relationships and stress right now! he said that if in future we will be together it would be a fate and that he still likes me, but not for this time… he thinks that i deserve much more, but he can not give me attention that i deserve for this time. I said, that I understand him, that we could be friends at least and that nobody is forcing him to have relationship with me, there was no need to ignore me and he could say it to me….
    BUT!!! I like him A LOT, Totally into him… it left only 2 months… what to do????

  8. @Lilly……Move on. You may like him a lot but you’re wasting your time with him. And your frustration will soon turn to anger. There are a lot of great guys out there. Keep your heart open to new possibilities. Good luck.

  9. Hi guys,

    I’ve been at uni in the UK for a couple of years now and last October met a great guy who, after several months, I started dating around Easter this year. As part of my uni course, I have to do a placement year and, before things got going between us, I’d applied for a placement in Sydney which I then secured. I knew I wasn’t going to pass off the opportunity so I flew out around a month ago and haven’t seen him since the start of June. We talked about it and both decided against being in some kind of long distance relationship because I’ve done that before and it didn’t work, and sort of decided that he’d maybe try and still be around when I got back this time next year.

    I really, really like him; he’s the first person I’ve properly dated after a messy breakup with an asshole (lesson learned!) about 18 months ago and I’m finding it really difficult to sort myself out when it comes to how I’m meant to be interacting with him. We’re keeping in touch on facebook, Skype, emails – dirty pictures included – which makes it feel like we’re sort of carrying on as a couple but more casually, like dating, and we’re both free to do whatever (or whoever) we like. I think that’s great because I don’t want to tie him down and I want him to have a good year as much as I want to have a great year here in Aus, but I still have feelings for him and I really want to be able to pick up where we left off when I get back to the UK. I don’t know how possible it is but I know it’s worth it and worth the wait. he hasn’t hinted that he wants to stop talking to me/sending me pictures/chatting on skype, he says he still interested in me sexually as well… I just want a guy’s perspective on what he wants, what we’re doing and how to handle the situation I’m in.

    I hope that all makes sense, I guess I’d just like someone to try and help me figure out how I’m going to do this. it’s already been a difficult couple of months.

    Thanks

    Panda

  10. @Panda…….Well, your connection sounds nice. Our answer: There’s no easy way to do this, and every couple comes up with their own plan. The fact that you’re not actually in a relationship makes it trickier because you can’t have a chat about how you want to work this out. It has to kind of happen naturally, which it already is. Look, you’re living your life. You made plans to go to Sydney and you’re following through. He’s doing his own thing. The timing is off right now, but the connection is strong. The best thing to do is keep the connection alive—like you’re doing—and then hope you both feel the same when you return. The fact that he’s still into connecting with you is a good sign. WHen the messages become less frequent, or he takes longer to respond, or doesn’t initiate any connection himself, that’s when you’ll know something is up. (He’s either not interested as much anymore, or he’s dating someone else.) The best thing to do is focus on this great experience you’re doing, and make sure you’re present where you are, and not have your head somewhere else all of the time. Otherwise you’re going to kick yourself later, and regret that you didn’t take advantage of this great opportunity. What do you think? Do you have any more questions?

  11. I’ve been with my guy for over 2 years now and I just recently moved to SE Asia to travel and do some soul searching. I left my boyfriend at home in Toronto and we did not break up. The plan is that he is going to try and move here with me in 3 months by December so that we can still be together. It’s only been a week and I miss him so much, I feel like I would really like to make this work. The only way I will make it work is if we both don’t meet anyone else and I trust him that he has not been with anyone else in that 3 month span. I am pretty much down to make it work and have him meet me here soon, but there is one thing about him that concerns me. He differs from me because he always seems to NEED to prove his point to everyone with facts, no matter how big or small the topic is. I am much more open minded and feel like people can think how they want to think. If someone says something that he doesn’t agree with, they ALWAYS need to be corrected followed by a jumble of facts. It is very important to him that he prove his point with everything. What does this mean? And how can I deal with it so that it does not always bug me?

  12. @Lauren S…..Clearly he wants people to see him as intelligent. But it’s more than that. He has a very black and white view of the world. And when someone lives in that world—instead of the gray world where most people live—they tend to act like know-it-alls. It’s annoying, but it’s become more and more popular as the world has become more and more polarized. Take America for example. The split between Republicans and Democrats is so pronounced that people are even choosing their friends along party lines. And dumping long time friends because of disagreements. His behavior also means that he’s not very flexible in general. This could become a major issue in your relationship, but it doesn’t have to get to that point. You need to start discussing this with him. We don’t know how old the two of you are, but most people strive to improve themselves and evolve. (Unless he’s an old fart already.) If you broach the topic without criticizing him he might be receptive to your concern. If you say something like, “I care for you so much and want to give this a try, but there’s one thing that’s been on my mind, and I’m hoping we can talk about it.” Then ask him what’s going through his mind when something like this comes up. If he gets really defensive or angry, well then you have some more information about him to process. Because how he deals with this issue is how he’s going to problem solve throughout his life. Keep us posted how this progresses and ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. ps. Please share our site with friends. Facebook, Twitter, etc. Look for a big relaunch in a few weeks, with lots more info and stuff to check out. Thanks. We appreciate it.

  13. Dear Guys,

    I an a single female in my mid thirties. I am from the US, but am currently working oversees (this is my 4th year working outside of the US). I love to travel, and it is a truly passion of mine.

    This summer I came home after a 34 day and 9 country /3 continent amazing travel opprotunity. Since I was only home for a little over a week, I was not expecting or looking to meet anyone. However…during my summer travels I said to myself that I felt I was really at a point in my life that I would want to find someone to share my travels and possibly start a family with. This is very unusual for me because I have been very independent, and not at all focused on relationships, and very happy with the current state of my life.

    Anyhow, a few days after being at home, I went out with a friend to a restaurant, and a guy who worked there approached me. Long story short–he ended up giving me his number and telling me to give him a text if I wanted to go out. We chatted a bit at the restaurant and I told him that I would be leaving soon, but that I might give him a call.

    I did text him the next day, and he text me back to set up a date. We went out….and it was a pretty amazing time. During the date he said that if I did not live so far away (I’m literally halfway around the world- about 8,000 miles away) he would ABSOLUTLY want to date me. He said that he wanted to keep me out as long as possible and that it sucks that I’m living in another country. He even asked me if I wanted marriage and a family in my future. He said that he felt like he did (He’s late 30’s btw).

    That night we also talked about a very difficult relationship that he had been in and how it really hurt him, and how it has taken him a few years to get over. We ended up hanging out and just talking until 6 in the morning. He talked about how he wanted to take me out again even though I only had a few days left in the country.

    I was a little apprehensive because I knew that I was starting to really like him, and I told him that I was concerned if we went out again I might get too attached. He said he understood and that we could just text and see how we felt in the following days.

    The next day I text him because I really did want to see him again despite my concerns. We set up a time to meet the following day…but the next day he canceled the meeting. He said that he thought about what I said , and that he felt similar, and that he wanted to be with me for a long time, and not just 7 days.

    I was totally surprised, but asked if he thought we should at least keep in touch, as we had a connection. He said he totally agreed. The following days, he continued to text me. I also went to see his band play one night and he was soooo excited that I came. He even made a joke that If I needed my green card he would marry me. However, The first thing he asked after giving me a huge hug and telling me how happy he was that I was there, was to ask how many more days did I have left before I had to leave.

    We had an amazing night that night just hanging out in the car(I would have gone back to his apartment but I kept saying I really need to get home)…and finally parted at 7 in the morning. What was obvious was that there was amazing passion and connection between us…which I have honestly not felt in this way with someone before.

    We got together the next night….and spent the night together. The next day he messaged me multiple times…until one message where he asked what I was doing and I said packing. Then I did not get any more messages until the day that I was leaving (one day after that) saying that he was really concerned about us being sooooooo (yes he wrote it like that) far away, and that he was sorry for messing up our chance to get together the night before I left.

    I left the country…but gave him my e mail and texting phone number…but he did not contact me. I finally contacted him a few weeks later and just asked directly if he still wanted to have contact, and if not just to let me know.

    He responded and said that he still wanted to talk, but he was just very apprehensive about the distance. I tried to call….but got no answer, and then did not contact him after that. Two weeks later, he text me to see how I was doing.

    Since then we have been texting back and forth, he usually text to say hi at some point every day…or every other day, and he has made many “relationship like” comments such as cooking me dinner, cuddling and watching movies together, that he enjoys learning new things about me, my ring size, and he even said that we should coordinate our schedules for when I come home during christmas for my vacation so that we can see each other and exchange gifts.

    My thing is that we have only text…and have not really talked on the phone. I will say that he is much more an “in person person”–and does not seem to prefer talking on the phone – maybe he’s not comfortable with it—though Im not sure the reason (even when I was there we only used the phone to discuss directions). However, it’s really hard for me to just wait until we sees each other in December, and I find myself really missing him tons right now, and wanting to talk to him more than we have been.

    I just don’t want to push him…since he was already apprehensive about the distance, but I really don’t want to just text until we see each other in december. Also Im not really sure where we stand and where he wants things to go with us…and how its going to get there especially with the distance.

    I have told myself that Im just waiting to december to clarify things in person….but I’m really having a hard time being patient.

    Do you have any advice or words of wisdom for me regarding where you think he is coming from, what his feelings might be towards me, (given this SUPER LONG dissertation that I have written you) and if he is interested in something serious, and why we have only been texting!!!

    I will say that we do have a MJAOR time difference that makes it hard to talk…Im a day ahead…so when I’m going to work he is going to bed….so that might have something to do with the talking difficulty…but he has not really asked me to call…or tried to coordinate a time to talk on the phone…..as of yet.

    Ok so thanks again for any advice…it’s really appreciated!

  14. @Shawn….Well, some guys don’t like talking on the phone. And like you said, many aren’t very good at it. And texting in lieu of the phone seems to be the trend these days, although we don’t love that. (Texting is no way to conduct a relationship.) That said, your situation is different because of the distance and time difference, so in some ways, texting might be optimal. But here’s what we think. You seem to be the one initiating things with this guy. (Maybe we’re wrong, but that’s our sense.) He kind of began the relationship that way by giving you his biz card instead of asking for your number. (We don’t like it when guys do that. We like the direct approach) After your first date you then texted him the next day to see him again. We think you need to let him start initiating more. (You can certainly suggest a call, but he should be the one calling.) We’re not saying you should start playing games; we’re saying that by letting him initiate you’ll have a better sense of his level of interest. As per your question. We do think he likes you, but a lot of guys come out of the gate really strong and then fade quickly. We’re not saying he’s doing that, but we’re getting a whiff of it. (Once again another reason for him to be initiating.) But it’s hard for us to say for sure what’s going on inside his head. This may take a little more time to truly know what’s going on. So hand the ball over to him and just be patient. See what happens and keep us posted. Ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. ps. Please share our site with friends. Facbook, Twitter. We appreciate it. Thanks!

  15. Thanks “Guys” for the response. Is there a reason that he may have given me his number first….maybe he was uncertain if I was interested? Anyhow….as for me doing the initiating….yes I will say that I did text him the next night after our first date.. Maybe I should have just let him contact me. However, after that I only responded to his text after he had text me first…though I did initiate going to see his band play (however he sort of invited me the first night we met).

    However as of late, I have only initiated a few texts….and all the rest are initiated from him. Given my particular situation can you give me some ideas of how I can let him initiate more? Since we are only texting….other that just responding when he texts…I’m not really sure what els I can do…or stop doing.

    How do you think the distance plays into this and what do you think about how he has always brought this up in the past as a concern/issue?

    Also with the calling…I have a special number…that I would need to let him know about if I want him to call me. I just got this number recently so people in the US can call without having long distance charges. I really would like to ask him if talking on the phone makes him uncomfortable…but would that be initiating too much?

    I would also like to have a talk about where we stand and what he sees for us in the future. Would that be too much of a major conversation? Should I wait until he brings up this type of conversation?

    Thanks again for the advice….it is really appreciated!

  16. @Shawn….He’s apprehensive about the distance because he doesn’t want to commit to something that may not go anywhere, especially since it would impede him from doing anything else, or dating other people. Of course you might say, “If he was really interested he wouldn’t care if he was committed.” That may be true, but the two of you haven’t discussed anything serious so he has no idea where your head’s at. And as you know, long distance relationships take a lot of work and commitment from both people. Usually there’s a more solid foundation put in place before they start. You hardly know this guy. However, that doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t real and that you shouldn’t try to figure something out. We believe that people can “know” how they feel right away, and certainly guys generally know if they want to invest their time in a relationship right when they meet a woman. So to answer your questions, yes, we think you need to start talking about all of this. It might be too soon, but obviously it’s not too soon for you, so maybe he’ll be open to it. If he’s not, or he freaks out, well, then you have your answer, and now you don’t have to waste your time worrying about what he’s thinking or feeling. He’s not going to initiate that conversation so you’re going to have to unfortunately. But after that, the ball is in his court. That goes for texting, calling, visiting. At least until it progresses a little more. If things start to feel more serious, then you can revise that approach. How does this sound? We know it’s a risk, but sometimes you gotta go for it. There are no guarantees, but nothing ventured nothing gained. Your thoughts? Questions? ps. What may happen is you both realize you want to wait and see, and you stay in touch casually until you return home. (With no commitment) And then you go from there. He may suggest that. And then it will be up to you to see how you feel. What you don’t want to happen is to get stuck in a holding pattern where you neither are in a relationship or out of one. That will impede you in other ways. So when are you coming back to the states?

  17. Hi Guys,
    Thanks again for the additional advice. I am a teacher in the Middle East. I return to the US for school vacation in December. Then have a spring break in April, and the school year ends in July. At that point I can decide if I want to stay for another year, or return back to the states for good.

    I absolutely want to have this conversation with him….but I feel its one that is better to have in person (if possible) like I said….I dont think he’s very comfortable talking on the phone, and I’m not sure that, plus the distance, and the time will make for a good “serious” conversation like that one.

    However, I really do not want to wait until December to have this conversation about where we are, or where his head is at…so Im in a quandary about what to do.

    When he texts he texts things like what we will do when we get together…and they are very relationship in nature. He has always said from the beginning that he wants to be with me(the issue has always been the distance), we did have sex once, and we talked about children after. He said he wanted kids, and he even brought up how that would work with me living in the Middle East right now. We even talked jokingly about names.

    There was absolutely a connection between us that is unique. Whether or not anything will pan out is anyones guess. Im not the type to date a lot…Im 35, and particular about who I spend my time with or even get involved with…so this is a pretty major thing for me. I dont’ like games, like to just be upfront and honest, and true about how I feel and where Im at. The whole thing about who calls who, and who texts who first, drives me crazy!

    Anyhow….I will have the conversation….just need to figure out is it best to try to have it on the phone while Im here….or just wait until December when I go home. All I know is that wondering and thinking about someone who I feel strongly about but don’t know where he stands (really) is the pits. Its not something that I want to do…and that might mean that he’s not actually the person who is meant to be in a relationship with me.

    Anyway…thanks again for the advice, this site has been very helpful in processing my thoughts and feelings! You guys are great for offering all of this helpful advice!

  18. hey guys…hers’s an update….I text to ask about talking on the phone, and how he felt about it (if it made him uncomfortable or what not). I said that the texting is cool, but that it would be nice to have a more fluid conversation.

    He replied by texting that he would love to talk to me on the phone, but at that moment he could not because he was getting ready to play his show (which was true).

    To be honest I still would rather talk in person and Im in the process of buying my ticket to head home in december. Im not planning to push the phone issue….but if he brings it up…then maybe that will become an additional method of communication between now and when I get back to the States.

    Im hopeful that when I do get back home that we will have some time together to get to know each other more, and to talk about what each of us thinks about the future.

    Any final words of wisdom?

    Thanks again for the advice!

  19. @Shawn……Just try to be patient and play it cool. (We know that sounds so much easier than it is!) But there’s not much more you can do until December. He knows you’d like to talk more, but now the ball’s in his court. Hopefully he’ll call you and you can get on a semi-regular schedule. If not, then hopefully at least the texting will continue so you can keep in touch, even if it’s casually. Then you’ll see in December. We wish our words could make this perfect for you, but you know there’s not much we can say. We’ll part on this: Enjoy the time you’re overseas and don’t let this situation overwhelm you to the point where you miss out on cool opportunities and experiences you might have while you’re there. (We’re jealous!) Take care and keep in touch. Keep us posted and come back to ask as many questions as you’d like. And yes, please share our site with friends. We appreciate it.

  20. Hey Guys!

    Im back….thanks for the continued advice.

    I would just like you opinion on one more thing. It seems like the texting has slowed down…even though he said he would “love to ” talk on the phone with me last Wednesday …since then he has yet to text to ask for my international number (different from the texting number (both are virtual numbers ) since all my telecommunications are done via the internet). Or plan a time to actually talk. Plus I have not received any “romantic/cute” texts since last Monday(one week ago), and he has hardly text me at all (about 3 times) in the past week. In my opinion this is not looking good. I can’t really say what is going on since Im not there…..but Im wondering if he is still even interested at all. Anyhow…feeling this way Im not sure if I should go ahead and purchase the ticket home for December or not. One of the main reasons to go (besides seeing my family) would be to have a chance for he and I to get back together in person. I just don’t want to go and be upset if something has happened like he met someone, and then Im stuck at home for my entire vacation when I could have been somewhere exciting like Egypt, Jordan and Israel (which was one of my potential travel plans for the break.) Anyhow…just wondering what your thoughts are…..hope this all makes sense…and thanks again for all of the advice!!!!

  21. @Shawn…….Nice to hear from you. The issue has always been the fact that you hardly know this guy. And that’s what makes this so difficult to predict, or even figure out. We said this before: Most long distance relationships are an extension of a relationship that’s already been established. In your case, you met, saw him a few times, and then you left. There’s not much of a foundation except hope. So fast forward to this week. His lack of contact could be for any number of reasons. 1. He’s no longer interested. 2. He doesn’t need to communicate as much as you and still wants to wait and see how things are when he sees you. 3. He met someone else. 4. He’s just busy. We know we asked this before, but when do you come home for good? Or do you? Coming home over the holidays mainly for him doesn’t seem like a great idea. If he was begging you to come home and telling you that he couldn’t wait to see you, that would be one thing. But this sporadic and inconsistent communication isn’t much of an invitation. So what’s your plan?

  22. Hey Guys! Nice to hear from you too.

    I got a message from him when I got in tonight….he wrote to say hello and that he had been thinking about me. I was surprised, and Im not reading anything into it….but it was nice to hear that Im still on his mind. Yes in a perfect world he would call to set up phone dates, text everyday, and spend lots of time getting to know me while we are apart. No we don’t have a solid foundation developed over months or years. Yes it’s just the possibility that something more could occur (but in my life possibilities are significant—they dont come along that often where both people feel the same way towards each other). However, all I know is that in person he is 100 times more able to communicate his feelings than he ever has been via text and the phone. When we were in the same city his texting skills were awful–and I even told him—to which he said “I Know” and his phone skills were nonexistent–he just was not that guy who was always on the phone…heck I did not even know he owned one because I hardly ever saw it. In person is where he truly shines. And in person…there was an absolute connection there that was undeniable. He liked me…a lot….of that I have NO doubts. So maybe I will go home just to at least say that I tried. I don’t know if I can live with myself not having at least tried to go and give us some more in person time. If he has moved on….at least he can say it in person…if he has not moved on at least we will have more of a chance to get to know each other, and see what happens from there. As for when I will be back in the states for good…that’s anyones guess. Right now my life is here in Dubai/Abu Dhabi – where Im living now. Before I met him I was thinking about living here for a 3rd year…or looking at going to Singapore. I would have to have a pretty good reason to go home—and the only thing that I can think of that would make me want to come back would be the chance to start a family with someone what I was involved with. However…that is hard to find that while living 8000 miles away. ps–he did say about me coming home that we absolutely needed to coordinate our schedules and that he was excited we could exchange gifts in person. we have talked about what we will do when we get together…and set up some “dates” where he will cook dinner and me breakfast. so no he’s not begging me to come home but from what I know of him he’s not that type…but he has always appeared excited when I talked about coming home…. he’s cool and laid back, does not like to engage in drama or things that are too sad…and likes to keep things upbeat. Since I know these things about him I just feel like there is more to my situation that what it might seem on the surface. Anyhow….I guess my decision is made…December can’t come soon enough!!!! I can’t wait to hopefully begin to be able to put some of these puzzle pieces together….thanks again for the advice…and for being there to answer my questions. I’m not saying this is going to all work out with us getting together….but like you guys say nothing ventured nothing gained…right :)

  23. @Shawn….And this is why processing is so important. Talking through this you realized exactly what you want AND need to do. No regrets, right?! So we’re excited for you now that you have a plan in place. Keep us posted, and if any questions come up in the meantime, you’ll know where to find us. ps. We are relaunching very soon. And when we do we’ll have an “Ask the Audience” page, where we’ll ask readers to vote or leave a comment on other reader’s questions. We hope you’ll come back and vote. And bring your posse too! Thanks and take care.

  24. So just following up with you about my situation with my long distance relationship. I am 28 and he is 32. I did speak to him about a similar situation on needing to prove his point all the time. I talked to him on the phone the other day because I’d been looking for condos in the downtown Bangkok area for a straight week, wanted to tell him the good news that I’d finally found one. So I was telling him what I’d found, and he’s never been to Bangkok but he just quickly said, “well that doesn’t sound like that great of a deal, you can get a condo in Toronto for almost the same price”. I was upset because I looked so hard to find it and even though it’s true it was not the best deal, I didn’t want to have to get into detail about explaining that short term condos cost more, this is right downtown, etc, etc. Sometimes I just want him to trust me that I found something great and I am very happy with it and encourage and support whatever I do. I felt like with his comment again came the know-it-all attitude. I then wrote him an email telling him about how it makes me feel and that I’d like him to just believe in me and encourage me instead of be quick to criticize me right away. He then explained he could not be so critical but in his opinion it would be pretty “lame” because he would want me to express my opinion to him-whether it be good or bad. I then explained I understand he likes opinions but, sometimes I just like to support him without having to ask questions and him needing to “prove” anything to me, simply because I believe in him and trust him. He didn’t reply to that email and when I asked him on the video phone about it, he started getting more defensive and said he doesn’t understand why I have to be so critical all the time and that I don’t support him! So he basically got defensive and put the blame back on me?! In the end of the video conversation, I told him he can defend all he wants but that doesn’t change how I feel. He then reluctantly sighed that he would try and change the way he talks to me. He didn’t look at me for the rest of the video convo and was all dismissive so we just got off the phone. Sometimes I feel like I am babysitting and I always have to be the bigger person to get past all this! Basically I’m writing to you again because I tried to talk to him about his more close-minded attitude and I didn’t necessarily feel better about it. His father is exactly the same way (but more extreme) and I believe that’s where he got it from. His father NEVER gives him any acknowledgement and my boyfriend is always fighting to get any sort of opinion in with his dad. My bf is aware that he can be like his father in some situations. However is he really willing to do something about it? He also likes to over achieve things that he does, because he loves the acknowledgement. I just want to be able to be free and express anything to him about whatever/whenever without a huge ball of criticism coming at me and having to be stopped with opinions and having to prove myself to him with facts. Like if he’s not in the know, it scares him and has to become critical or ask so many questions until I fill him in about everything. I like this guy because he can be very attentive, however I just want to know that I can talk to him freely and he will have my back.

  25. @Lauren……We understand. But just because you don’t feel better by talking to him doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have said anything. It’s a big issue for you to always have to be the bigger person to get past issues. Have you read, “The Last American Man” by Elizabeth Gilbert? We can’t speak to some of her other books, “Eat, pray, love” but we will say that this particular book is very different than her others. It’s a biography about this guy, Eustace Conway, who she considers to be the Last American Man. Fascinating, well-written, and some of him reminds us of your boyfriend. Eustace is smart, driven, and is all opinions. (Basically, his way is the right way) He also had a father who never praised him. Even though Eustace hated his father in many ways, he also seemed to do everything he could to win his approval. And that’s how he lived his life. (Of course it’s much more complex than that.) It’s worth the read on a lot of different levels. Your boyfriend sounds very difficult honestly. We totally understand why you’d be pissed off? It’s like he doesn’t trust you at all? What does he know about Bangkok apartments?? Congrats by the way. Sounds exciting and romantic. Anyway, this issue isn’t going away. This is who he is. He might try to change, but in order for it to happen he’s got to see all of this for himself and then want to change. That’s not what it sounds like. It sounds like he resents you for bringing it up. And flipping it back on you is a red-flag. It’s a very young and immature response to say, “We should be able to give our opinions. I want you to tell me your opinions.” That’s an idealized view of relationships. Sure, relationships are about honesty, but not in the way he’s describing. They’re more about trust and honesty, rather than honesty about the things he’s talking about. We’re not quite sure what else to say. We wish there was something we could offer to help you figure this out.

  26. Ya I spoke to him about it after the next day on the phone again when we were both calm (I thought I was calm earlier). I explained that I love and care for him alot, however sometimes I just want to bring up how he makes me feel about certain things. I told him that I was doing just that earlier and if I ever bring stuff like that up in the future, to not take it personal and try and remember that I’m not blaming him or anything and I know he doesn’t intend to hurt me. It’s more like I just want to bring up how I feel. He said ok, “that’s a good way of looking at it.” So we will see if that works. You are totally right about the book. He resents his father as well but does EVERYTHING to win his approval in any conversation. When we visit him, I’d describe it as a mixture of sucking up at first, not getting any acknowledgement, and then pulling teeth. Like a constant power struggle with his father, looks SO exhausting. I am out of ideas. I feel like I am trying really hard not to blame, brings things up lightly and reach out and tell him I care more often. I feel like he is open to wanting to be a better person and he must KNOW that I am a catch, but will he do anything about it is the question. Anything else I can do?

  27. @Lauren……It seems like you’re doing a lot, probably making more of an effort to understand and work through this than many women might do. One note: Just remember, if this becomes all work and no fun, or if the work begins to completely outweigh the fun, then you might need to rethink this. For now, just try to point things out to him when appropriate. Change happens slowly. Like we said, he’s got to see it for himself and then want to do something about it. When’s the next time you see him?

  28. Yes, I definitely find it hard to give up on certain things when I want it to work. This was our first big disagreement since I’ve been here for a month. He is planning to quit his job in 2 months and come meet me in December to live with me for around 4 months here. I tried talking to him again today except the argument was worse. He said he would try and understand when I have needs but the longer we talked about it, he just started attacking me. Then he hung up on me and wrote me this email:

    “I can’t talk to you when your talking over me and saying hurtful insulting things ” you’re just like your dad” etc etc etc. Try calming down and not getting so wound up over words like when i tell you your ideas are stupid and bullshit. Its always been the way i talk, i wish you could just understand that im not trying to be hurtful to you. You always tell me not to take things so personal but its exactly what you do whenever i say something you don’t like. You get just as defensive and deny things as much as me. The biggest difference is I can calm down in the same conversation and try to turn things around, you just stay wound up and pick apart every little thing you don’t like.

    You call me a bully but you ask me a question then just talk over me while im answering the get angry when i point it out, you never say sorry you just get pushy “just say it then” or whatever else you say after. ITS BULLYING.

    I love you and accept that we are going to argue sometimes its just what people do. I would really love if you could change the way you argue with me though even minor changes to make the whole process a bit more productive and bit faster. Letting me talk would be great, also if you could stop throwing out those comments about not caring when i name call you finally i would really appreciate that i’ve only been telling you that for like 1.5 years now. Maybe occasionally admitting when you are in the wrong and not having to argue everything to the death to the point where I can’t even finish a conversation with you would be cool too.

    In the end these things are up to you and you can point your finger at me about whatever i do and tell me only once i change and whatever else but i have changed a lot in the way we argue and have changed the way i act a lot but you haven’t changed at all. So when i say give and then if you receive its a bonus i really mean it. You can’t spend your life waiting for other people to change, just accept if you are in wrong and make the changes regardless, see what happens. Cause really i give and give and give and give and will continue giving when you have needs regardless of what i get back. I’ve made all these changes and improvements to the way i communicate with you and you haven’t made any. And sure im not perfect and i don’t expect you to be perfect either, i still do things wrong from time to time but im much easier to communicate with for you than i was a year ago.

    Its tough for me to accept that suddenly you just love me and say it and mean it and all that. Thats why i had to ask you before you left. If you don’t really want me i would appreciate knowing i’m like about to turn my life upside down for you and its really only fair (there i am giving again).

    I really believe compromise is the secret to a successful relationship, i see my parents fight all the time because my dad will never compromise he always has to have everything his way and get what he wants. Now i definitely know for sure that i don’t live like that, i make compromises all the time big and small to make things work with friends or family and also with you. Like i said im about to turn my life upside down to try and make this work because you want to be in Asia right now and I can’t go out there and get my life going. But I will meet you in the middle im confident in knowing that my job isn’t for me long term and i want to be in business for myself, so im willing to put my life aside temporarily and come enjoy some adventures with you. Thats a big compromise on my part.”

    I think the only things for me to do here is do nothing. No amount of talking is going to fix this, we’ll just agree to disagree. At the end of the day, I’m ALWAYS going to be pissed off when he tells me that my ideas are stupid or that I don’t make sense. That’s SUCH a put down. I guess I’ll just have to be quiet and listen to actions.

  29. @Lauren…….Let this sit for a bit. And see what happens. Let him initiate the next contact. Both of you need some time to cool down and get some perspective. And Lauren, we know you know this, but we’ll say it anyway. Be careful about sending these emails when you’re upset. We’ve all done it. But often—not always—we wish that maybe we had waited to push send. We know some of this needed saying because he wasn’t listening to you on the phone, but just be careful with emails as a general rule. People have broken up because of emails, and realized later it wasn’t what they wanted. We don’t know what’s right here. If you should spend the time and try to work this out, or move on. That is ultimately your decision, and one that will take time to figure out. (True for all relationships) But to be fair to the relationship, if it’s going to end, don’t let it go down in flames with emails. Okay, we’re done with our speech. Sorry. We’re hoping you can work this out. Truly, we’d love to see you be happy with this guy. And if not with him, just in general. Take care and keep us posted.

  30. Ya I’ll definitely let this one sit. Just to be clear, this was an email that was sent from him and not me, right? The quotations are the email that was sent to me directly after he hung up.

  31. @Lauren……Oh, we were wondering. Sorry about that!! (We must have still been waking up) Okay, keep us posted.

  32. No problem. We Skyped again and I told him I didn’t have anything to say about his email and it’s not good to write emails when you’re too emotional so it would be better if we didn’t discuss it. He told me he wasn’t angry at all in the email and started telling me about how I am so selfish. I said I can’t listen to any more of his name calling, I think it’s a put down and disrespectful. He then told me to f*ck off. He says stuff like this every few months. I don’t know how I can handle his put downs and name calling. Told him numerous times I don’t tolerate it!

  33. @Lauren…..We’re sorry. We know we’re only hearing one side of this, but wow, this seems pretty harsh and nasty. Like we said, we really think you need to be weighing things out. Ask yourself: How do I feel most of the time when I’m with this person? It just seems like the two of you relate so differently. And you have very different needs, and that you’re not syncing up. It’s great when people are different and complement one another. But when the internal fiber is so different sometimes it’s tough. You’re just going to have to keep assessing this and take it a step at a time. How are you feeling now?

  34. Hi Guys,
    Thanks again for all of the great advice! Just wanted to write an update….I purchased my plane ticket…and will be heading home on Dec 14th for my entire break (almost a month). I feel great about the decision. I have also been making plans to really get out and enjoy the beautiful environment around me here on the weekends- so that Im not just sitting at home moping that Im not back in the states.

    We have still been regularly communicating, when I told him that I was coming and bought my ticket, I also asked if he wanted me to bring back some sand (he had talked before about collecting sand from various places) and his response was “sand” “screw that” “bring you !!!!!” another day he sent me a message that just said “Come Home”…and many more “thinking about you” messages he has also has been saying that he’s glad that we are keeping in touch…

    Again his strength in communicating was alway in person…so these little things are positive signs in my opinion….that when I get back there could still be an opportunity to “see how things go”.

    However…Im still trying to keep myself levelheaded and just …”see what happens when I get there.”

    Anyhow I do have a quick question……

    His b day is coming up. Any ideas on appropriate ways to wish him a happy birthday being so far away, without going overboard. I was planning on sending a picture I took on this amazing beach in the neighboring country where I wrote in the sand happy b day…and me next to it. It’s not a xxx pic or anything….just a fun gesture I thought.

    A friend suggested I order something online in the states and have it delivered to him….some thing small …but I don’t know if that’s too much…I think it might be…any thoughts?

    Thanks again for all the advice…its nice to know that I can come here to get an alternative opinion from a guy when I need to! You guys rock!

  35. @Shawn……We’re glad you feel so good about your decision. That’s a nice feeling. We love your picture idea for his birthday, as long as you’re not in a bikini or anything. (Best to be conservative for now.) That’s creative and fun and personal, but also mellow. We can’t imagine he wouldn’t love it. Doing anything more is too much. Hope this helps. Take care and keep us posted.

  36. Hey Guys!

    Happy belated New Year! I just wanted to come back and give you or other potential future readers an update regarding my previous situation. I know when I read these posts I always wonder what happened in the end….so I definitely wanted to share.

    So before I went back home for my winter break, the guy that I had written about just stopped texting me all of a sudden. It was really weird because one day he sent me a text to say hi and he was thinking about me…I responded to it, and then after that I never got another response.

    At first I though that he was just busy, or sometimes his contact had been sporadic, so I thought it was just that…but as days passed…I started to wonder what was going on….I tried sending a few more text at first over the next few days, and even called, but decided to give him space, and just wait until I was back in the states to send him a text and go from there.

    So when I got back home, I text him, and got a very surprising text back. i told him that I was in town and I knew it had been a while since we spoke, but I just wanted to see if he wanted to get back together to hang out while I was in town. He responded with a text that said he had some stupid news, and that he had been diagnosed with Herpes 2!!!

    Of course I was in shock, and I text to ask when (I just knew it was after I left and that’s why I stopped hearing from him) but he said that no, it was contracted before he met me in the summer, and that he did not know he had it when we were together, but that I should get tested and he would pay for it.

    I wanted to ask more specific questions so I asked would he be able to meet in person. It took him about two days to answer…but he finally responded and said he would like to meet…but then he cancelled because he said he was not ready to meet me because he felt like a “diseased leper” .

    However the next day he said he was ready to meet if I still wanted to and we met for dinner. At dinner I got the chance to ask all of my questions, and basically he said that he was scared shitless when he found out, and did not want to waist my time, did not know how to handle the situation, and the distance he said just made it easier to not communicate as he should have. He also said that he did not know how strongly that I felt about him, and that he now felt like a dumb ass as that he was sorry for not communicating with me as I deserved.

    He said that he would love to move forward now though, and that 6 months would not be too long to wait for me to come back to the states for good, and that he wanted to get to know me and talk long distance in the meantime.

    At one point these things would have been great to hear….but I told him that since I had not heard from him for all that time, I started seeing someone else and even though it was just the beginning of the relationship, I really wanted to focus on that instead and see where it was going to go.

    He siad he understood, even though hearing this was like his best dream and worst nightmare combined, but that he wanted me to be happy and would like to still stay in touch if possible still, without getting in the way of me and the new guy.

    The thing is that there was still a TON of chemistry and passion there between us…..but we parted and now Im back oversees. He has been a lot more communicative since I have been back here, always initiating these texting conversations….but Im trying to keep things just on a friendly level.

    Anyhow…I just wanted to let you all know of the update, and ask if you have any advice for me at this point…..do you consider it wise to focus on getting to know this new guy and sort of keep the other one at a friendly distance….or do you have any advice or comment on the updated situation?

    Thanks again for all of your help and taking the time to share your thought on matters of the heart!

  37. @Shawn……Well, what’s going on with this new guy? We’re just wondering why you’re not that focused on him? Are you not that into him? Or is it that you have unresolved feelings about this other guy? And what about his news? How do you feel about it? And how do you feel about it moving forward with him?

  38. Hey guys,
    thanks for the response.

    As for my new guy…..I actually feel like I have been focusing on him (well not to much in my last post) but in real life. We talk (he calls me) every day, he texts me in the morning, and we have also been communicating via e mail. I could not ask for a better communicator while I am so far away, and it’s the same when we are in the same city too. Unlike the previous guy I never have to guess, or wonder where I stand. He tells me how he feels about me all the time and his actions back it up. We are planning to visit each other (me him and then him me) during my next break in two months. However the previous guy has text me a few times and I do respond, but I have not been putting in an effort to get to know him more beyond that. About his “health” news I feel that it would affect how quickly I was intimate with him (like not until I was sure that he was the person I wanted to spend my life with) but if the new guy had not come into my life I may have given this previous guy a chance because there was still chemistry and an attraction there. However, something seems to be really developing between me and the new guy….though for me it is not the same instant magnetic thing like before, but he is someone who intrigues me and that I want to continue to know more. Anyhow….so that’s my update, Im planning to see how thing grow–or go with the new guy–as I really feel like Im starting to care for him in a deeper way. ***So final question****do you think that in good relationships the attraction is this instant, passionate, head over heals, magnetic force–where you feel like you just can never get enough of the person….or can true love really develop and grow and blossom over time? ***** thanks again for all of your advice…and I hope that my story will help some future reader out there too.

  39. @Shawn……..Depends on the individual. Attraction is certainly important, and there’s nothing like that feeling of instant chemistry. Of course, that’s not necessarily love, more lust. That doesn’t mean it’s not important. And to some people it’s more important than to others. Women in general seem to be more open to the sort of slow developing attraction. Guys not so much. When it’s all said and done, we’d say that as long as there was some physical attraction at the beginning it could certainly develop into more. But if you’re trying to convince yourself that you’re attracted to him, then maybe not. Trust your gut.

  40. Thanks guys for the response…..I will just continue to see how things go ….and go from there. Again I really appreciate the help throughout the months and I will be sure to share the site with my friends.

  41. I’m kind of in the same boat as Maddie but a little different.
    He and I met my first day at my dorm in Australia while I was studying abroad there. We had an instant connection but in the beginning decided to do nothing about it because I was only going to be there for about 4 months and we knew the distance would be hard.
    Eventually though, of course it started to become more than just a friendship and the last month that I was there we were practically dating but we never defined it. We shared our first kiss right before I went through customs when leaving to come back home.
    We talk as much as we can, we’ve skyped a few times even but since we’re both in college we’re busy. I asked him a couple weeks ago what he thought we were and if he saw this going anywhere but that was on chat and he said he’d rather talk face-to-face (skype) about that sort of thing and he had been thinking about it. Then i got a letter from him and it reminded me how sweet he can be and i told him we didn’t have to talk about since labeling it wouldn’t really make a difference and he said that was fine. I’m trying to go visit him in May but i’m starting to wonder if maybe he’s not as into this as I am, since he refuses to come visit me and he seemed rather ok with not talking about our relationship but he does still seem rather “lovey” or if he just doesn’t want to force me to do some thing that i don’t seem to want to do. (hope that makes since) Just in case you’re wondering, yes he has said he wants me to come visit.

  42. @Sara……..It sounds to us like you’re putting in more effort than he is. At least emotionally. Especially with this sort of distance, that type of discrepancy can be an issue. Our advice: You need to figure things out more before you visit. Why doesn’t he want to come visit? Is it a money thing or what? Seems like he should be taking the initiative here. Has he offered to split costs with you if and when you come?

  43. @One of the Guys
    We both agreed it would be easier for me to visit him because i know people over there and he has a car so we could go do stuff together, where as we couldn’t as easily here since I don’t have a car and he would know no one besides me.

    He has offered to split costs with me but i couldn’t do that, I would feel terrible asking him to do that. Does it make sense to do that, yes but i don’t i would just feel bad.

    I guess I just wish he would have offered to come over even if he never had any intention of actually coming over, is that so wrong?

  44. @Sara…..Why do you feel terrible about that? We still believe that guys should pay, or at least offer to pay, at the beginning of any relationship. In this case, it’s totally appropriate for him to help pay. Although, we can see how it might feel awkward. The best way would be for him to buy his own ticket and come visit you. Then in essence you would be splitting the cost because you’d be paying to go there, and he’d be paying to visit you. That said, it’s okay that you’re visiting him as long as you’ve discussed it and are okay with the reasons for you going there instead of him visiting you. If you think it’s at all because he’s lazy or not as committed as you then that might be a different story. Good luck.

  45. Hey guys,
    So I’m in a rough patch right now. Recently on a trip to Mexico I met a great guy. He was my waiter…please don’t judge. But for awhile I thought I recognized him and couldn’t figure out where I saw him before. It turns out I met him 3 years before when I went on vacation in that same town with my family but I never tried to talk to him because I was 17 and he was 21. Now im 20 and he is 24. Well anyway, he said that he recognized me from somewhere too and that night we talked and he asked to hang out but I had no way to contact him so I went home feeling terrible. I found him on fb and he was glad I found him and at first I would only talk to him a couple times a day, I didn’t want to seem clingy but he started messaging me all day, everyday. We talked about our lives, our family. We talked like this for 3 months straight. I then decided to go visit him. Our first date was great. It wasn’t awkward at all. He said he felt very comfortable around me. We hung out about 6 times while I was there and we did sleep together. At first I thought maybe he just wanted to hook up, but he stayed the night with me, and cuddled. Our last night together he said that I was the perfect girl for him but the only thing he didn’t like was that I was in another country and he wished I could stay. Fast forward two weeks we are still talking everyday. He constantly says he misses me, and he hopes I don’t forget him. I got offered a job in cancun that I’m starting next week and its far away from his town but he wants to come visit. I’m just confused. I really like him and he says he likes me, but am I falling too fast?! Should I just end it? I know the world isn’t a fairytale. I dream that maybe one day we will be able to live in the same country, but does that ever work?! What do you guys think?

  46. @Maya….Sure it works sometimes. Not often, but sometimes. But it’s too soon for that. You hardly know the guy. Has he talked at all about moving to be with you? The only issue we have is it sounds like you’re doing most of the initiating. We’d like to see the opposite. Our advice; Let him do more of the work. Texting everyday is great, but it’s not enough. Give this some time and see what happens. At the very least it sounds fun and exciting. Just keep your eyes open and be smart about this. Good luck.

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