International long distance relationship; Too many complications

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Hello Guys,

I met this guy about four months ago on social networking site. At that time, I was just getting out of a year-long relationship and was not looking for anything serious. He was trying to figure out what to do with his ex-wife who can’t seem to make up her mind about him. Divorce is kind of new in their country. We both have sons from previous marriages. In our conversations, we also spoke about his mom (who was dying at that time). He asked me to visit his country after a month of talking. I agreed.

I was unprepared for who he really was when I met him. He turned out to be a very successful businessman who gave me such an awesome fairy-tale holiday. We were very couple-ish during my stay and he was doing everything above and beyond to please me. We both have this amazing connection to each other. But I was trying so hard to keep it casual because I had no idea where this was going.

I went back to my country and was convinced it was just a fling. (And a great one at that.) But then he continued to call me, message me, tell me he misses me. I was floored because there really isn’t anything else to do. We already had sex so I don’t know what else is there for us. But he said he’s happy with going with the flow. That’s all there is, as this is long distance. Neither would consider relocating to each other’s country.

But we continued to talk and solidify our bond. Until one day two months back, his ex-wife shows up along with their kid saying she wants him back. Again. She’s been doing that for the last six years since they divorced. Anyway, he calls me to explain everything. I was cool about it. In fact, I was wondering why he needed to call. We were just friends. He couldn’t kick her out as that would have customary and social implications in their country. I took the high road and walked away but never lost touch really. Mostly because he reaches out first.

Now we’re seeing each other for another holiday in Bangkok which he says is a gift and then he’s coming to visit my country. And I’m already at my wits end figuring out what he wants from me. Because with everything he’s done, he’s never said how he feels for me. As in zero. Nothing. I on the other hand have feelings for him.

Help!

Tash

Dear Tash,

Thanks for your question.

Considering the situation, and the fact that neither of you is willing to move, we’re not sure what you’re going to get out of this other than frustration. Throw in the fact that he operates under the control of his ex-wife—who may or may not become his wife again—we only see you falling neatly into the role of the “other woman.” Because if he’s back together with his ex-wife, then you are the person he’s having an affair with, which means he’s now cheating on her.

He’s definitely attracted to you and enjoys your company on many levels, otherwise he wouldn’t be trying to see you again. However, if you decide you want to be with him understand that this is not going to give you the fairy tale ending. He’s going to get his cake and eat it too, and you’re going to be an occasional fling he enjoys a few times a year. We only see you becoming more confused and more frustrated no matter how great the connection is, and no matter how wonderful your time is with him.

We’re not judging here we’re just stating the facts from an objective perspective. You need to decide if you’re okay with the parameters of the relationship and then make your decision whether to see him again.

Feel free to leave us a comment or ask us a follow up question. We’ll respond in the comments section.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! You might enjoy our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” 

 

 

36 Comments on International long distance relationship; Too many complications

  1. Hello Guys,

    Thanks for the reply, I just read it. I will be honest with you, the very things you mentioned have crossed my mind.

    He came over, had the time of our lives. He charmed my friends. Did everything a man in love would do. All the effort to make sure I was happy. He also said he cannot love me.

    It was something I expected and I was prepared to take it casually. However on our last day together, he started acting weird to the point that he did not want to be intimate. He just wanted to hug me, hold my hand and kiss me. He told me he wanted to experience me in a different way because “there are things more important than sex.”

    When he returned to his country, I sent him a message that meant goodbye. He responded on the same note and said, again, he cannot love me but I will always be special to him.

    Then on the same night, he calls me up and offers to finance one of my biggest dreams–which is to write my own book. I was dumbfounded. He offered to handle finances, marketing, publicity. The next day, an email came from his lawyer and it was asking for details on my prefered management arrangements. Things started moving so fast.

    I asked him why he was doing this and he says all he wants is to make me happy. I never told him about my wanting to write. That’s why it was a complete surprise. The amount he is investing is crazy. He is rich but I don’t think he’d be this rich by making stupid decisions like this.

    I’ve been around and I’ve never met anyone this genuine. He’s never broken any promise made or backed out of any arrangement. He also is someone who would not deliberately hurt anyone. I told him I did not need a guilt-gift. He said it wasn’t. He just wants to make my dream happen.

    Our agreement is long-term and specifically states that in the event that the arrangement no longer suits me, I take whatever I want and there will be no contest from him. I asked why doesn’t it say “suit us”, he said this will end when I say so. He says he’s fully committed to it.

    I don’t understand why he is rearranging the world for me, establishing a relationship, legalizing our connection–exerting so much effort for someone he cannot love? I do not think this is normal behavior.

    To be honest, the question I’m asking is this–he certainly acts like he loves me but why is he saying he cannot?

    Need your help. Again.

    Thank you.

    Tash

  2. @Tash……Our gut—and cynical side— tells us his generosity stems from feeling guilty. (Like yours) But he does sound like a good guy who wants you to be happy. And if he can’t give you the love that you want, he can at least offer to help you out in some other way. (Since he has the financial means) We do think he loves you, but he’s not IN LOVE with you. What the means is, he’s not feeling those “special feelings” when he’s with you. That would account for the way he behaved at the end of your visit. What do you think? Feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime. Take care. And we’re sorry we couldn’t give you a more upbeat and positive response. But, good luck with your book project! That in itself is very exciting. What is your book going to be about? You should consider submitting a portion/chapter/section to our Relationship Memoirs page for some good publicity. (IF the book is about that topic)

  3. Hi, im sorry to hijack your thread.I am facing a similar situation and would like to hear from a third party, especially a guy.

    I came to Sydney to study my masters 6 months ago, and i began a long term distance relationship with my boyfriend, who had been together with me for 5 years. We have our difficult times but we are rather stable and we have plans to settle down when i return in 2 years’ time.

    I met another guy friend here 6 months ago..we started out as just normal friends and my common friends have been telling me that he looked interested (but they might be wrong). When we got a chance one day to know each other better , we talked about our other halves (he has been attached to his gf for 10 years) and our families one night when he came over to my room. He started cooking for me too when our common friend went back for a week. Somehow, i find myself paying abit more attention to him.

    My bf was my first, and i trust him with my life but i have not been able to take the leap of faith into marriage because i am not sure if i love him that much or am i just used to having him around. It also seems as he is more attached to me and i’m the more independent one.

    My friend and i got closer and on one event we actually started to cuddle (lay our head on each other’s shoulders, abit of a hug). I also started to get jealous when he was nice to other girls, so i was in tears one day, asking him if to him i was just a good friend like the others. He thought for a while and said no, he cared for me alot more.

    But when i mentioned that i felt guilty about the whole thing (towards my boyfriend) and i asked if he felt the same, he replied that he think that he is able to segregate “us” from his relationship with his girlfriend. He commented that i always bring up my Bf and he don;t know why, and he felt that i was always drawing a line.So i asked if we are considered friends with benefits (even though nothing happened), he said “yea, friends with abit of benefits”. Then he went on to say thay he felt safe and comfortable with me..and it’s not easy for him to feel like that with someone. He said that the fact that we cuddle means we do have some feelings and it’s not just being carried away, but he can’t tell me what he feels.

    I think we both have high stakes; i’m not sure about him but i will never ask him to leave his gf, my pride and morals won’t allow me to. But yet i am attracted to him. We want to go cold turkey, but it was difficult with so many common friends. So we decided to still be friends till the end of our lodging contract.

    I suggested keeping the current relationship as i would find it too difficult to give up the friendship over her in aussie, back home i’ll have lotsa company and distraction to help me tide over this and the end of the year seems like a good time to start a new beginning.

    But we were watching a movie and chatting one day and we ended up kissing on the lips. I texted him and said” that was a platonic kiss right?”, and he replied “platonic it is”. I wasn;t sure if he was following my cue or did he mean it, but i understand and was hurt when he seemed to agree so easily when i suggested going cold turkey.

    On one hand i felt used and degraded, on the other i have developed this emotional reliance on him. If we had no common friends, i could just cut this relationship off, but we do and our common friends have NO idea we are even that close. However he still bought snacks that i like to share with me; sometimes he’ll cook for me too and he’ll message me everyday on random stuff like good morning etc.

    I was thinking that we could being friends till our lodging contract end but i’ll draw a line on the physical stuff. No more cuddling, hugs or kisses.

    I’m still not sure about my bf, but i do appreciate him alot more. As a result, i started to reinvest alot into maintaning our relationship..if thta can be considered my takeaway.

    So guys, am i being played by my friend here? Or is he just testing waters because he had such high stakes?

    I’m confused, i used to think he could be a possibility but after he said that he could seperate us from his girlfriend, something clicked. While i miss him, i think it’s more for comfort now. I never dared to ask if he had considered leaving his gf, i feel like i did’;t ahve the right to.

    Am i doing smthing wrong? The whole things is so complex and twisted.

    Help!

  4. PS: it’s purely cuddles and we have only kissed once. He tried to kiss my neck after the kiss on the lips once but he didn;t progress further. I also told him that he need to stop and i’m not looking for sex.

    We have cuddle a few times but it has nevern progessed to sex; and on my part, i have no intention to do so as i believe as it is something sacred and should be done with my husband in the future.

  5. @Erica….The problem isn’t this new guy. He’s not playing you. In fact he’s doing exactly what you’re doing: testing the waters. Maybe he’s not totally certain about his girlfriend. Let’s take that back. He isn’t totally certain about his girlfriend—just like you with your boyfriend—otherwise he wouldn’t even be open to any sort of relationship with you beyond friends. (And it’s certainly progressed beyond friends, especially if you’ve kissed, cuddled and discussed Friends with Benefits.) What you need to take a look at is WHY you are open to this guy? What’s missing from your relationship? Is there anything missing? Or are you just not sure since he’s your first, and you need to compare a bit? Or is the grass greener? These are questions you need to answer before you can move forward with your boyfriend. But from what we’re hearing, it seems you’ve actually developed feelings for this new guy. (And likely him too.) But both of you are playing it safe. He’s taking his cues from you. If you really want to explore this more you need to take a risk. No guarantees that it will work out, or that you won’t ruin your relationship with you boyfriend back home, but risks are part of life. It’s up to you. But if you’re not going to explore this more, it might be wise to cut off all contact with this guy. Thoughts?

  6. Prettykrispy // September 6, 2012 at 7:56 am //

    I met a guy over a dating site June 2011. I’m in the Philippines and he is a us military stationed in Korea. I met him in one of the darkest moment of my life, my engagement just called off. I was vulnerable and depressed. He was very nice, accommodating and friendly. We exchange messages everyday then email each other few times a day. I have shared with him my deepest thoughts, secrets and insecurities. I was very comfortable with him. Then we started chatting on Skype by October but emailing almost everyday. I felt so comfortable with him and I feel a deep connection with him but he hardly ever says anything about himself. All I know is he has a 5 year old son from a previous relationship and that here is currently single. Our communication was really great. He even invited me to go to Korea and visit him but he had to leave
    Korea by February 2012. I told him that once he was back in the states he might forget all about me. He assured me that it won’t. So in February he left Korea and the military for good. He got a regular job in the states, we still regularly communicate. Until march his ex with whom he has a one year old daughter, he failed to tell me that important information hacked his account where we met and started messaging me telling me about their daughter and that he has two other children from two different women. She told me that he is living with her when he got back from Korea. She also hacked his email and pretended to be him while sending me an email, but I knew it wasn’t him, she also hacked his Skype and told me how he sleeps with a lot of girls when he got back, that he has hpv virus and he has no money and she kicked him out of her house. And now, he is going to pay for child support. I was so hurt by what I have learned and he made an effort to appease me telling me that he and her ex are indeed over and it’s true that they have a daughter. I forgave him. I though his ex was just a scorned woman Simon
    Love with him that she did this out of her desperation. It was also the first time he told me he loves me and wants to be with me. He said he couldnt wait to move away from his ex and wants to be with me in the Philippines. I know that they are still friends they are always together as they posted on Facebook. He won’t add me on his Facebook account. It never really bothered me before. From then on, her turne out to be the sweetest guy almost ideal, we would Skype, email and talk on the phone. I usually call him because I have a magic jack which allows me to call him for free. It’s was great, I have never been happier in
    My long distance relationship. In may the woman emailed me saying that she still loves him and wants to work it out with him because they have a daughter and that he still spends a lot of time with her and their daughter and he would spend thw night at her house. I got that email while I was on the phone with him and I asked him of I should read it, he said to delete it but I didn’t. Until now, he doesn’t know that I read it. I was very hurt of course but he always would re assure me of his love, feelings and affection for
    Me. I got very jealous of her, she became a source of frequent arguments. But I have accepted that she will always be the mother of his daughter. If I love him, I would have to accept him. I tried to get a is visa to visit
    My family and him but I got denied so he made plans to come to the Philippines as soon as he is able to saved money. He wanted to marry me but i wasnt that interested in marriage. I just want him to come visit me in the philippines. We had our ups and downs but he was always the sweetest and very supportive of me. He was everything I could ask for. Until August, I feel something is different. I would call him and he wouldn’t answer or he would turn off the phone. My instinct is telling me he was cheating and I confronted him, he denied and assured me of his love and loyalty. He was very sweet and caring and loving until one day I emailed his ex’s out of frustration. I thought she was the other woman, it turned out she wasn’t, she said she still loves him but will never sleep with him or go back to him because he has hpv, warts, he can never stay with one girl and that she deserves better. And she said that if I had been with him In the past month, he was cheating on me with an ugly black woman, I asked her where did he get the hpv, she said when he was assigned in fort Erwin, with one of the girls he sleeps with.  she found out the hard way when she got pregnant with their daughter. I told her I’m confused and I tried to break it off with him several times before and he wouldn’t let me go because he said we loves me and wants to be with me. I feel so tied to him even if we havent been or seen each other.She said that She was in the same situation for two years and that he has a hard time cutting his ties with women. She has a boyfriend though now which I was glad about. I told her I’m breaking it off with him completely. we are now friends on Facebook. I broke up with him in an email the following day and told him the conversation that transpired between him and his ex. I never called not emailed again. He didn’t make a response either. It’s been 6 days since we last spoke. I was expecting he would at least defend himself or apologize but until now haven’t heard anything from him. I’m sticking to no cont!
     act rule
    . I’m just wondering why he hasn’t contacted me to defend himself or apologized or even just to explain. I
    Miss him so much as a friend. I just wanted to hear what he has to say. What could be going through  his mind right now?. I would like to think that we are good friends before we became romantically involved. Dont I deserve an explanation or just even a goodbye so we can both move on and find closure. Help??

  7. @PrettyKrispy…..Well, this is tough. Long distance relationships are stressful, but the fact that you’ve actually never met this guy makes it even more stressful because the relationship you have is based on only what he communicates, or what his ex communicates to you. Meaning, you can’t judge from face-to-face time with this man who he really is. And that’s the question here. He may be sweet to you and loving, but would he be that way in person? Based on his history, and all that he’s done in his life, we guess the picture of him in your mind is different than who he really is. We’re not saying he’s been faking, but we’re saying you’ve only seen his good side. Everyone has an “other” side. So to your question, why is not defending himself? Well, probably some of what you’ve heard about him is true. Probably his ex is making some of it up, but it’s based on some truth. She’s aware that he cares for you, so she’s trying to make him seem not very attractive. But still, it’s clear he’s had a storied past, and that he has children, which only complicates things further. Our suggestion: Wait for him to contact you, see what he says, and then move on. But we can’t tell you what to do obviously. You have to decide for yourself. But we just see a long and difficult road ahead with this man. Your thoughts? Feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  8. I have a long distance and relationship question as well. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. For the first 4.5 months of us dating, he was sleeping with someone else who knew about me but they didn’t say anything. His excuse was that he technically didn’t ask me out, but I still consider it cheating. Either way, he was hiding it from me. Now we have come to a crossroad and I have decided to move to Thailand and Malaysia for a year or so and work and travel, because it has been my dream to move there and travel/work, and I can let anything get in the way for me. He says that he wants to stay with me and I don’t necessarily want to break up, so we’ve agreed to do long distance for a couple months while I travel, and he was going to meet me there in a few months (quit his job, rent his condo, sell his car, etc). Our whole problem has been that every few months I find out he tells me little lies about things and find it hard to trust him, and I don’t show him enough love and affection. The whole reason why I can’t show him a lot of love is because he cheated on me and continues to lie to me! But he says the reason why he can’t treat me better is because I don’t show him enough love. I don’t feel like that is completely taking full responsibility for cheating on me and lying to me. He also says he will try his best but he can’t promise he will never lie to me again, because I don’t show him enough affection. He is overall a more insecure person, always geting angry if I talk to another guy or hang out with any guys that are friends. I think that the long distance will either make us or break us. Can I survive this? I can only do so much here.

  9. @Lauren…….Well at least he admits it. That’s more than most guys would do. But really Lauren, he’s telling you straight out that he can’t promise he won’t lie to you. Which is also saying he can’t promise he won’t cheat on you. Is this really the kind of relationship you want to hold onto? We’re not telling you what to do, but it does seem a bit uncertain wouldn’t you say? We do agree with you. Maybe you don’t show him enough love—that’s a he said, she said thing—but that still doesn’t justify his lying and cheating. If he’s got such a problem with how much love and affection you give him why doesn’t he just break up with you? Another possibility for the two of you: Stay in touch, communicate often, but temporarily split while you’re away. Would that work, or would that just drive you more crazy? We think you should really focus on your travels and soak in that experience. When will you get to do that again? Your thoughts? Feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  10. Thank you for that reply. He said the reason why he couldn’t promise me he’ll never lie to me again was because in case I find some technicality or don’t believe him anyways and then think he’s lying but he doesn’t he loses because I’ll just get pissed at him anyways. I agree with you, but he basically is saying it so he doesn’t get in trouble if he actually doesn’t think he’s lying. I brought up that idea of temporarily splitting while we’re away but he was definitely against it. He said he’s not open to seeing other people while we’re away. So here I am in Asia and he’s at home. So in the end I tld him how important it was that he promises he’ll never lie again and he finally told me he wouldn’t. I’ll definitely try and focus on my travels and focus on the experience.

  11. @Lauren S…….Yes, you definitely don’t want to miss out on the incredible experience of being in Asia. We’re jealous. As per your relationship. Only time will tell. Yes, cliche, but true. One thought: Just because he doesn’t want to split temporarily doesn’t mean you can’t. What do you want? Do you want to be free and unencumbered while you’re over there? It’s something to ponder.

  12. Aphrodite // November 1, 2012 at 4:45 am //

    Hello. I met this guy during a one-month training overseas. During our second week, he told me he’s in love with me. He did try things just to be close to me but I did not reciprocate his feelings. I told him to enjoy our friendship first. But as they days went by and we were nearing our final week, I began to like him but I tried to deny it because I was not ready and I was still recovering from a previous abusive relationship. We did things together like biking, singing, playing guitar and talking for hours in my room. Still, there was a part of me that could not imagine being with him. When the training ended and we returned to our own countries, I started to feel some separation anxiety. I began to miss him so bad. I emailed him, saying that I miss his presence and that I think I’m falling in love with him. My friends told me maybe I just missed his attention, but I knew myself very well and I believed that this not about that. After the weekend, he answered my email and said he’s happy to know about my feelings. We exchanged super sweet emails 4 to 5 times a day and talked on the phone twice but we were not officially in a relationship. Then I brought the idea of meeting in a country we both love. He suggested the place while I suggested the dates. I was so excited, but I sensed that he’s not up for it. He had so many reasons like he had financial obligations with his siblings, he will be busy this month and the following month, etc. I sent him a long email, asking for his honesty, asking him to tell me if we are on the same page, if I was the only one feeling this way, etc. I guess it was a pretty emotional email. When he didn’t reply, I began to worry and quickly sent him another email, this time saying sorry. The following Monday, I emailed him again, telling him about my day without mentioning about the emotional email. He replied, telling me what happened to his day and all the usual topics. I appreciated that he still answered my emails but the 4-5 emails a day were reduced to 1-2. He also became less sweet and more business-like. He stopped calling me pet names anymore and I felt he was growing distant day by day. I wanted to visit him in his country just to see if I would still feel this way if he’s near me. But I don’t know how to tell him without making him feel pressured or smothered. I’m scared that if I tell him about this plan, he will pull away from me completely. I don’t know what’s going to be his reaction. What should I do? I really want to see him and give it a try. If it doesn’t work out, then fine. If it works out, then good. I don’t want to close my doors. I don’t want to lose this mutual understanding that we have because this could lead to something more beautiful. Some guys really have a cruel way of making women fall in love with them without any intention of pursuing them. It’s just so sad. I hope you can give me your advice. Thanks.

  13. @Aphrodite…We’re sorry and we agree with you. But it’s not just guys. Some men and some women do this kind of thing. Here’s how we see this: This guy is a romantic. He’s in a different country, meets a beautiful woman, and thinks he’s in love. He is, but not with you, but with the idea of love, with the feeling of meeting someone new. (He hardly knew you.) Once you both went back to your prospective countries and he had time to reflect, he decided that maybe he wasn’t as into as he thought. Also, once you expressed interest it became real for him. He could no longer fantasize about having something he couldn’t get; now you pretty much told him he could have you—or at least try—and then he wasn’t interested. We know you want to give this a go, but if he’s lukewarm about it, nothing is going to happen. And if he’s already pulling back and you haven’t even seen each other, that’s not a good sign. We think you should chalk this up to experience and move on. (We’re sorry. We wish we could be more hopeful, but we’re not seeing it.) Of course this is ultimately your decision. What do you think? Keep us posted on what you decide.

  14. After a bit of a disastrous on-off relationship with a guy for a few years whilst I was at university, I took some time to myself to figure out what makes me happy. I realised that it was really important to be happy with myself as a single girl, before embarking on any more relationships.

    I’ve had a couple of crushes that haven’t come to much, which was fine. However, recently, I met a guy during a visit to another country. We met at a big festival and had a good time – singing, dancing, drinking with the others. It was really fun and exciting – I was on a happy high for days after.
    When the event ended, we decided to stay in touch. He took my e-mail address and sent me an e-mail to make sure it worked. He was generally being very friendly and a little flirty. But the evening ended and we parted ways. I came back to the UK a couple of days later.

    I replied to his email and decided to add him on Facebook. He added me instantly and replied to the rather shaky message I had sent to him in his native language. He speaks fairly good English, so it was okay.

    Since then, we’ve been communicating via a mobile messaging app that allows for text, pictures, voice, etc. It’s been about a month since we started talking. The conversation got flirty very quickly and I was surprised at how open and direct he was. We’ve also been learning bits about each other.

    The thing that worries me is that he’s happy to send me pictures of himself. Not a picture of his thing – I’ve asked him not to. I’ve sent him one flirty picture, but nothing naked. I’m not comfortable with it. He has asked, but hasn’t pushed.

    A few times our conversation has led to pretty intense sexting, but sometimes we talk about anything for a couple of hours. He has at one point talked to me until 4am in the morning his time, despite the fact that he had to get up at 6am for work.

    Recently, he told me that he’s quite frustrated because he ‘thinks on you [me] all the time’ but can’t visualise me properly the way he wants to. Talking isn’t enough for him. He got quite serious and talked about being ready for the next step, but he doesn’t think I’m there yet. He also doesn’t want to push me because he thinks I’m very shy.

    I suppose I am a little shy, but I want to get past that.

    I’ve told him that I want to think about the situation for a few days, but I’m not sure what I’m going to say.

    I thought we were just having fun – if I decided I had feelings for him, I’d probably want to be more serious – but I’ve been careful about this, as I don’t want to put him off.

    I get that guys are visual creatures and I understand why he wants photos – and thinks that I want lots of him.

    I think the only way to really get to know each other and see if there is something there is to plan a meeting in person. But if I’ve totally misunderstood the situation, I don’t want to send him running for the hills. It would be preferable to keep some kind of friendly relationship with him.

    Am I being too much of a chicken? How can you suggest meeting someone again from another country, without implying they can come stay with you and sex would be involved? It might well be – but I won’t know I’m ready for that until we meet again.

    This guy is six years older than me, in his early 30’s, which is fine, but I’ve never been involved with someone older than mid-20’s before. I’m not sure how to gauge his feelings and what he might really want. I know that it’s probably not very satisfying just to text a girl and I wouldn’t expect him to continue for ages without an end game.

    I suppose I essentially want to clarify whether all he’s interested in is sex, or whether there could be anything more. But I’m not going to push him to either choice. I’m being careful not to put my heart in danger’s way here, but could it be worth it?

    I would be open to a serious relationship if we work well together. But I’m also open to what we have now. Although I feel a little nervous at opening this can of worms, sometimes when I talk to him I feel happy and cheerful, and really turned on at certain conversations. He makes me feel good, in other words. Will he run for the hills if I ask him to clarify what we’re heading for? And if all goes bizarrely well and he agrees to visit, how do I get the message across that sex isn’t necessarily on the cards the first time? It may be, but I don’t want to lead him on. Help!

  15. @Cara…..We understand how you’re feeling. These are typical concerns. First of all, what country is he from? You are from the UK, but what country did you meet him in? Also, what kind of pictures is he asking for? Dirty pictures or just a typical head shot? If he’s just looking for a normal picture we don’t see the harm in that. DO NOT send anything other than that. And in fact if he’s requesting that, we see that as a red-flag and a sign he might be looking for just sex. (But we don’t want to jump the gun too much.) We need more info. As per your visit. All long distance relationships should have one goal in mind: To move the relationship so the people are together in the same city or town. Otherwise we don’t see the point. Sure, sometimes it takes a while for this to happen. (Life is complicated.) But that should still be foremost on both people’s minds. We don’t see age as a factor, except that he may be looking for something more serious than you. If a visit happens you should in no way feel compelled to have sex. In fact, we would suggest he stay in a hotel. (He should suggest that.) He should not presume since the two of you are really just getting to know one another. Give us some more info and we’ll offer some more opinions/advice.

  16. Hello, thank you for your reply.

    He’s from Germany, where I met him. The culture boundary doesn’t worry me too much. I’ve studied much further abroad than that. I’m also studying German, and have German friends.

    He did ask if I would send him dirty pictures in return for his, but I’ve shut that down and he isn’t pushing it. During our last conversation, he asked for a headshot, which I think is okay, although it is worrying for me as I dislike a lot of photos of myself. I don’t see anything fundamentally wrong with sending dirty pictures in a relationship, but very aware of how much control you lose over those photos when you click send. I wouldn’t send them in this situation, I have more respect for myself than that.

    If we really do click in person, a serious relationship is fine for me. I agree that a long-distance relationship won’t work unless there’s a plan to be together in the same location in the near future. I am actually considering further study in Germany in the future, so it’s not such a big stretch for me to imagine. But that would be about me, rather than moving for a relationship. I’m very open to moving if a relationship became serious enough.

    I suppose I worry that in some ways I’ve helped to make our conversations very sex-oriented on occasions. I’m not prudish in person, but I would be naturally more cautious at first – I don’t want him to feel led on.

    I guess that I really need to know how to phrase all of this in a way that properly encapsulates how I feel/what I want, without being too heavy too fast. Should I be very clear about how I’d like to trust the water, or should I gauge more clearly how he’s feeling first?

    Thanks again!

  17. @Cara…….To clarify about exchanging dirty pictures. It’s one thing to have that part of a serious relationship, but it’s not going to serve you well in this situation. You’re trying to gauge his interest beyond sex and exchanging pictures is not going to help your cause. (We also agree that you have to be careful what you put “out there” these days.) Sure, a sexual attraction is very important, but we’d be careful to push that agenda now. If he’s anything like the typical guy he’s probably fantasizing about having sex with you. A lot! And those fantasies are driving his need to see you. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t find you interesting in other ways, but the sexual urge is dwarfing anything else. Many guys don’t really know how they feel until they start having sex with a woman. Some guys can’t handle the huge contrast between their feelings before sex, and after. After their insane high and subsequent release, reality hits, and many guys misinterpret this change of feeling to mean they’re not really into the woman. (When really it’s just a chemical reaction.) So this is what we worry about. That’s why we’re suggesting you take this slow and shy away from the sexual talk. (We’re not prude either, but we’re pragmatic when it comes to giving advice.) Has he suggested a visit recently? When’s the last time? Of course it’s best if he initiates, but you could hint around it. Also, would there be a reason for you to go to Germany other than see him? If you had two reasons to go you could use that as an excuse. Your thoughts?

  18. Thanks guys.

    No, I completely agree with you on the pictures and I won’t be sending anything unless I’m fully clothed.

    But you have sort of helped clarify things a bit, I am very wary of disinterest developing immediately after we possibly have sex.

    We have vaguely talked about things like cheap plane tickets, etc, in the past, but I definitely think we’ve both shied away from seriously talking about it so far. Any ideas as to how to broach that conversation? At this point I’m not too panicking about spooking him with serious talk, but I want to figure out what his thoughts are, when it comes to a possible relationship, rather than just sex.

    Clearly, if he came here, whatever we did – me showing him around London, spending time together – there would have to be a lot of driving force for him to get on a plane for a girl he’s met once, right? Is a guy really going to do that if he knows sex isn’t waiting for him?

    I would certainly have reasons to go to Germany in the New Year (language practice for one!), but I’m not sure it would be anytime soon, as I did go for a trip there in September.

    Thank you for your advice so far – it’s really helpful. I’m getting ready to broach this conversation with him, even if it’s making me horribly nervous.

  19. @Cara…..Well, we’re not saying you shouldn’t have sex with him if he visits and things are going amazing. (We’re not saying you should either.) We’re just saying that that’s likely the true test because that will bring him down to reality. (Long distance is great for heightening all of these feelings and emotions) We don’t see why he wouldn’t want to visit. You don’t have to say definitively the two of you won’t be having sex, but you can make it clear that you’d like to really get to know him on many different levels. Of course we both know that he’ll be pushing that agenda. That’s how guys are wired. Why don’t you talk to him about visiting? (Ideally he would be the one bringing it up. Has he lately? It’s always best to let the guy initiate if all possible. That will really give you a much clearer indication of his interest.) Of course if he’s not doing that it’s possible he’s not sure how you feel and he’s being cautious. (Although we doubt that) But still, what have you got to lose? Maybe casually bring up the topic and see what his response is? If he freaks out, well, then you have your answer and it’s time to move on. But we doubt he will; we’re curious about how the conversation goes. Keep us posted and good luck. You can do it! (Try to be relaxed, maybe funny, mellow, casual.)

  20. Hi Guys, have you any idea what is going on in my guys head?
    I was seeing a guy for 6 months, we were exclusive, and it was honestly the best relationship I have ever had. I fell for him big time. All was going great, then he told me that before he met me he had planned a trip to Australia to see his brother. He then said that his brother wanted him to stay over there and to that end, he was trying to arrange a job interview for him over there. I was really upset by this, but we talked and both agreed that we still wanted to see each other. As I said we got really close.
    So, a week ago he told me that he had booked his ticket – and that his flight out was in a week. I was hurt by the short notice, but we again talked, He said he wanted to spend as much time with me as he could before he left, but that if seeing him would make it harder for me then he would stay away. What could I say, the thought of not seeing him again was as bad as the thought of seeing him and saying goodbye, and so we continued to see each other. The guy is so sweet, he has had a real bad year and I feel for him so much. He was living in Oz with his ex, she wanted to move back, so he did, then she cheated on him and it finished. Then at new year he was assaulted and was put into a coma for over a month. He had a difficult recovery, and when I first met him (online – we met a month after chatting for hours daily) he was going through the court case related to that assault.
    I helped him through that period, supported him, listened to him. He was not working and so I used to get us hotels and treats for us, which he hated, but I have a good job so to me this was no big thing.
    Anyway, I put a lid on my emotions as best as I could, and we spent 4 days together out of his last week. I could tell that he did not make this decision lightly, he was so upset during our last week, and he was stressing badly, he has some OCD problems, and these were really bad before he left. He flew out 2 days ago.
    Since then I have been so sad, I miss him a ridiculous amount and I am in a bit of a state. He knows this but I am trying to keep it from him when we talk and text – which we have still quite alot. He says if this job interview goes well, then he will want to stay out there, and that we will arrange a trip out there for me. I have never been, but even so I would pack up right now and move to be with him. He also says that if it does not go well, and he thinks it will not as despite his brothers wishes, he is not really experienced enough for this job, then he will come back to the UK, and at that point he will want to try and get me back, if I would have him after all this upset.
    I do want to be with him, I want him to know I love him (yes, I have told him, he has never said he loves me, he said he could not say it when he knew he was going on this trip because it would make things messy???) and I am willing to wait while he figures out what is going on. How though do I keep his interest in the mean time? I told him I have no intention of seeing anyone else, all I want is to be given a chance with this guy. He has trust issues after what his ex did. Though he I think knows I would not do that. He says I have treated him better than anyone has ever treated him in his life (“like a god”). He says he finds me intellectually interesting, he loves it when I discuss my work (I am a research scientist) he says I am happy, caring, thoughtful and generous. He says the sexual experiences we shared were the best he has ever had (I believe this, I feel the same, we got into a lot of stuff neither of us had tried before. Also he did things with me he said he has never been comfortable to do around anyone else – wearing my lingerie for example!)
    I gave him a little going away present on our last morning together, and he has worn it constantly since. He says it makes me feel closer though I am obviously not.
    So, given this, and given the situation I am in, what am I best to do? I do not want to be a clingy whining woman and put him off, but equally, I want to keep the closeness we had before he left. I tell him I love him and it makes him smile. Right now I am in so much pain, but I do not want him to feel bad, I want him to enjoy himself because he deserves a break. How should I handle this tough (for me) situation? He seems to like me an awful lot and yet he is now half way around the globe!

    Please help me regain my sanity. my eyes hurt from crying but I dont seem able to stop!

    Lots of Love xx

  21. @Nikki…….We can see how much you love this man. And we understand how difficult this separation must be for you. But it’s not really the separation that’s the issue. The issue is the fact that your relationship is very much up in the air. Clearly you’ve committed to this man, and he knows that; but he hasn’t committed to you. And that uncertainty has left you feeling a bit off-balance to put it mildly. We don’t blame you. Anyone in your position would feel the same way as you. Question: Did you break up so he could move to Australia? Did he break up with you? Where do you actually stand with your relationship? What concerns us is the fact that he didn’t include you in his plans. We understand why a person might want to pursue an interesting opportunity in a different country. (Especially in this economy) However, if this guy truly loved you, or wanted to stay together we imagine he would have put out feelers to see if you wanted to come with him. Instead he did the opposite. (He wouldn’t say he loved you because it would be messy?? Yes, we’re as confused by that one as you are.) It’s as if he’s resigned to the fact that you’ll only be together if he moves back to his country. Now, before you completely panic. This could also be his insecurity talking since his last girlfriend cheated on him. It could be that even though you’ve told him you love him, he still can’t imagine you’d change your life so dramatically for him. (Insecurity) The key here Nikki is to figure out where he stands. You can’t ignore this anymore. For now, be relaxed and easy with your communication, but we strongly suggest you make a trip as soon as possible; and when you’re there you need to have a heart-to-heart with him about all of these issues. What do you think? Ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. We’re having a conversation here. We’ll be back a bit later.

  22. Hi guys,

    I thought I’d give you an update on my situation, as it’s been a while – and you should see the fruit of your advice!

    A little time passed and I left it too long; I didn’t really know what to say and things got busy at work. I think he felt a bit rejected when I didn’t get back to him on the issue very quickly, and he seemed distant. However, we started talking again and it was very friendly, relaxed and fun. I enjoyed speaking to him again because there was no mention of sex and he seemed happy to chat.

    Now recently, I made plans to go back to Germany for New Year to see my good friend. I will have a few free days and have suggested to him that we meet. He is happy to do so. (I want to too, of course, however, I know I’ll be a nervous wreck – how can I put my nerves to rest?!) Tonight, I bit the bullet and very plainly said that sex was not on the table and that I wasn’t comfortable with sending photographs of myself. To my surprise, he reacted well. He told me that although realistically he would love to have sex with me, he knows that’s not going to happen at this point – and I’m not making any promises as to ‘when’. We’re agreed that we’ll meet to get to know each other and just try to have fun. Then we can see if we want to pursue things.

    So, I’m hopeful we will meet soon and that we do have the chemistry I felt when we met in person the first time. I’m also glad that I’ve made my intentions clear – although I was worried he would lose interest, it seems that it might be okay. Keep your fingers crossed that he’s one of the good ones – and thank you for your advice! :) Any tips on making a good second impression in person? 😉 (But really, I’m done – thanks again!)

  23. @Cara…….This is good news. (Yes, fingers crossed) It feels good to be honest and clear, doesn’t it? Good for you! And the fact that he reacted like a “gentleman” is a great sign. (And we also like that he was honest as well—saying he realistically would love to have sex with you. That’s better than him pretending he’s not interested in sex.) Overall this is good. Our suggestion: Being yourself seems to be working. No reason to do anything differently. If he really likes you, he’s going to be very open to who you are. We like your honest, straightforward approach. Just don’t tell him you want to have five babies or anything like that. :) Have fun and keep us posted. ps. We hope you’ve been spreading the word about us/our site. We appreciate it. If you have a moment, help a fellow reader out, and VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks!

  24. Hi i met my fiancee in 2006 on the internet. I was living in brazil and he is also brazilian, but had been working in the US for 6 years. I was 19 and he was 26. I was two years alway from graduating from college. We talked everyday for 8 months and we wanted to try having a real relationship, he couldnt come at the time, so i left everything and went. I stayed 2 months at my aunt’s house who lived in the US and then he asked me to move in with him, so i did. We lived together for 5 years, he was always the romantic type and me not so much. Even though i knew i love him i always kept thinking about all the things i left behind, family, school. I felt like i was married and it scared me. We made plans together, we bought a house together in brazil, because i always said i wanted to come back, i could see in his eyes he didnt want to leave the US but he always said he would do that for our relationship. So last year he proposed to me, gave me a beautiful diamond ring, we got engaged. I decided it was time for us to come to brazil, even if we werent going to stay here, but i wanted to see my family and finish college. He agreed, we were going to marry here, we sent all our stuff in a container. He said it would be better for me to come first because i would have a lot of things going on with going back to college and he would come 6 months latter in the end of the year. We cried in the airport, i saw in his eyes that he was hurting. When i got here in brazil i had a lot of things to sort out, i was 5 years alway from college, the first couple of months was very demanding from me, and it was when he needed me the most and even though we talked everyday, he always said i wasnt giving him attention. Three months latter i noticed he started to change, he didnt have that urgency to talk to me like before and i woke up, suddenly i realized that he was the most important thing in my life, that i was where i wanted, with family going to college again, but being without him made everything meaningless. So i became a!
      romanti
    c that i didnt know was in me. I felt like i had lost him, we still talked everyday, but it wasnt as it was before. Then i started stalking his facebook and noticed that he might have been talking to someone else. :( I recently confronted him about it and he said he became friends with this person, that she went through the same thing as him and that when i got here when he was suffering the most i didnt showed him that he was important for me. He said he didnt have anything with her, i dont believe him though. He lives in new jersey and she lives i lousiana now. He didnt come like we had planned, unfortunately for me after i left his business boomed. So now he wants to stay for a while longer, till october of this year he says, he would come after the summer. He asks me to come back everyday, tells me he wants to be with him, that if i dont go he will come. I stopped going to college, i cant think of anything else besides this situation, i dont want to be away anymore, so im getting a new passport and applying for a new visa, but that might take 2 to 3 months. My parents will be very dissapointed with me if i go, but i’m very unhappy away from him. What hurts me though is that he doesnt seem as unhappy as he was when i got here, its like as if he got used to being away from me. Doesnt he love me anymore? Did he have feelings for the person he met, or was it just sex. I dont know what to think anymore. I was selfish on our relationship, but i have changed and i dont want to lose him. He has become more distant and i see that he has changed, i wonder if ill be able to bring things back to the way it was. He hasent deleted the woman from his facebook, i didnt ask either. I’m now 25 and he is 32. I try to see things from guys point of view, i havent been doing a good job at it though. I try not to pressure him or become jealous, i dont trust him anymore though, at least from the time being. Maybe you guys can give me your point of view of the situation. I see that he is trying to mend things, the problem is I havent been able to get over him cheating on me. I feel like I should just give up and meet new people also, part of me though is still clinging on the 5 years we lived together happily. Sorry for the long story.

  25. @Priscilla……So are you sure he cheated on you? Did the two of you discuss this in detail? As per your question. You seem to have a pretty good read on this. His behavior seems like a reaction to your behavior—lack of affection, etc. If you really think you want to be with this man the two of you need to be together in the same place and try to work this out. That’s of course if you really think you can trust him again. Do you? We also don’t think you should give up everything to be with him. You’ve done more compromising than he has. Why can’t he come and live in Brazil while you finish school? We urge you not to make any rash decisions and leave school to move back there. Maybe you could go in the summer when school is off?

  26. I have a question about a long distance relationship I’ve been in for about 1 year now. I am really in love with this guy who lives in a different country and is studying to earn a professional degree. I live here in the US and am trying to pursue my career as well by going to school. We have remained faithful to each other for a year going 4 months apart and then 5 months apart, visiting each other on our breaks from school. It’s like magic when we are together and it’s so much fun! Then when he leaves I feel like I am heartbroken, and each time becomes more painful. Due to finances and the differences of when our school breaks are, we agreed that we would stay in contact but enter an “open relationship”. We agreed on this thinking that it might be 10 months before we could see each other again. I thought I could handle it, but I don’t think I can. Because I am in love with this man the thought of him being with another girl makes me sick. I am so in love that I don’t even want to be with anyone but him! When I told him I had reservations about being in an “open” relationship, he said that he thought we should keep to that agreement. I asked him if he could wait for me until December when I could visit him, and he said that he couldn’t. He said that he couldn’t promise anything because he doesn’t know what is going to happen- a honest answer. I know he loves me, and I don’t want to loose him. However, I don’t know whether I should just make a clean cut now before things go any further, or stay friends and keep in contact and just keep a “don’t ask, don’t tell” rule. I’m afraid that if I agree to go along with this open relationship, I am going to get hurt really bad and I feel like I am kind of getting played. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. What do I do? Part of me doesn’t blame him, because the distance, the school, the financial aspect. . . it’s out of our control. I really need some advice. Thanks

  27. @Aungee………We wish we could give you an answer here, but you know we can’t. It sounds like you understand what’s going on here. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Sure, we understand where he’s coming from, but we also understand where you’re coming from. The problem, is that he doesn’t understand where you’re coming from. That’s what worries us. He knows the “Open relationship” agreement doesn’t work for you, but he still is insisting you stick to the original plan. That doesn’t show a lot of flexibility and compassion, or love for that matter. At least to us. So this has to be your call of course. We know it’s complicated, but if he can’t be alone for ten months before you figure this out, we’re not sure what that says about a future with you. Do you have any sort of plan in place? A long term plan? Have you discussed it? This is a long, hard road. It’s not insurmountable, but it will only work if the two of you are 100% committed. You might be, but he’s definitely not.

  28. That seems to be the advice of my friends and mom as well. In a nice way, I kind of tried to give him the ultimatum of “either you’re in this or you’re not”, and he flipped it around and said that it was my choice because I brought it up and he was fine with our current agreement. It hurts to know he’s not 100% committed like I am, but its frustrating when he gives me mixed signals like telling me that he wants to have a family with me and “we are going to be together one way or another.” I know he loves me, but obviously he doesn’t love me that much. I don’t want to cut him out of my life, because he is a really good guy but obviously- not ready to commit. So I came to the conclusion that I won’t even address it anymore. I’ll stay in contact with him via Skype, but I’m not going to bend over backwards to make things work anymore. In my head, we have just entered new territory and become FRIENDS. I shouldn’t keep the doors closed to meeting new people. I’m not looking for anyone right now, but if opportunity presents itself I’m going to look at it as a single woman. I think I’m the type of person who dives into something that I’m passionate about 100%. I think I’ll refocus that energy into my education, my career, and try to enjoy life as it comes. I have to give myself a little credit on what I can bring to the table. Only time will tell, but now is not the time I guess.

  29. @ aungee … I sort of had a similar situation that the guys helped me with recently. Im was dating a guy long distance, and he wanted to continue open dating, and not be exclusive—but I wanted to be exclusive. I decided that I still would continue to talk to him but also to go out and meet other people and be open to those possibilities as well. However, we still talked every day–but I did let him know (just in a causal way) that I was going out and enjoying my life. I hate playing games–so I hope it does not come off that way–but for me it was truly sharing what was going on in my life. I never talked about other guys though. Anyhow…just last week (he said he had not been nor did not want to see other people). So my advice is to do exactly what you are doing—keep in contact as much as you feel you can/want to/enjoy without being held back or hurt….but absolutely get out there and give yourself opportunities to interact with other people (including guys as well) and yes your timing sucks with this guy—but who know what will happen in the future.

  30. @Shawn and @The Guys
    Thank all of you for your opinions and advice!
    Shawn. . . that helped a lot and made me feel a lot better.
    I think initially I was a little shocked that we weren’t on the same page like I thought we were. I usually don’t stress out over guys, I never have, but when someone captures your heart- its hurtful and confusing. I’m sure I don’t have to tell this to anyone. The thing I’m wondering about is do I further address the situation and say that I’d like to be friends, continuing on (like you said) and staying in contact when I feel like it. Just act like we never had the conversation and let it go? The other part of me feels like I can’t let him have his cake and eat it too, because that would be compromising my morals and values. Personally, I don’t think you are in a relationship with someone if you are sleeping with other people. I don’t like that, and I feel like I wouldn’t be respecting myself for letting that happen. So a part of me wants to be absolutely clear with him that I’m not ok with the idea of an open relationship, and the ball is in his court. I have been advised by a few of my friends to give it a few days, to not respond to his texts or calls and just give both of us some time to think.
    I’m a physiology major, and I know that males think differently than females. They are just hardwired differently then us, and due to the fact that he is in college in his 20’s. . . I understand that he might not be ready to commit. I’m also in my 20’s and in college, but people describe me as “an old soul.” I’m not the typical 20-something-college kid; I just think differently.
    I’ve heard different opinions from different friends. I’m kinda thinking that there really isn’t a “right” or a “wrong” answer. The question is can I keep in contact with him knowing that he choose sex over me? Is that even really love? Eventually I think I can be open to meeting new people, but I think it will take some time.
    It’s just so hard, because if we were in the same area. . .we wouldn’t have any problem with this! He’s like my best friend and boyfriend. We have a blast together. It’s just the circumstances that makes it so hard to even make a choice.

  31. @Aungee……Sounds like a good plan.

  32. @aungee…I totally understand the not wanting him to be having sex with other people and you—as in my situation I felt the exact same way. Even when we were still dating others we had a conversation very early one that when we started having sex we would be the only people that we would have sex with. For me it’s just the healthiest and safest thing both physically and emotionally. Everyone is different—but that was a point of no compromise in my view. he agreed so for us that had already been settled. The thing that was not settled was that he wanted to date others and I wanted to date exclusively and focus on getting to know him though we were in different countries. I felt the same way as you did that we were not on the same page and that threw me. I also felt like if he was dating other girls–and carrying on as if he was in a relationship with me (including sex during the times that we did visit each other) then that wold be like having his cake and eating it too. Since we were not in the same place at the time the sex was really a non issue—but when we started talking about a visit, and sex I did say that I was not sure that I was comfortable continuing the sexual relationship if we were still dating around. In your case you don’t have to make it like an ultimatum or anything just state what you are comfortable with and set your boundaries as such. You have to take care of yourself and your emotions, and then he has to decide how he wants to respond, just like he told you what he was needing for this period of time. if what you two need don’t match up then maybe right now is not the time for you to actually be together. However, just know he’s not really getting any cake now from you cause you guys are apart for 10 months—so the sex thing right now is really a non issue. For you the decision seems to just be if you want to continue to talk to him and communicate while being long distance–and if thats something that you feel would be helpful, positive, enjoyable, and good for you. In my case, even though my guy said he did not want to be exclusive at the time, I still choose to talk to him because I enjoyed talking to him, and I wanted to continue to get to know him. However, I did not put my life on hold –but I went out and had an enjoyable time meeting other people. That was helpful because it was fun, and it kept me form being too attached to him during that period of time. The thing I did not want to do was demand from him that he be exclusive to me when he was not ready or willing. If he needed to date others then by all means I wanted him to do what he felt was best for him–as I would do what was best for me–however there was no guarantee that I would be there ifwhen he wanted to commit. So I would say try not to look at it as choosing sex over you. He is in a period of his life where he has needs that he wants to fulfill, just as you have your own needs. It’s not happening with you all being apart and not having a chance to see each other or be in the same place for almost a year. That’s a lot for anyone to have to sacrifice, and this guy is really young, and your relationship was still getting grounded and formed. I say give him the space he asks for without resentment or thinking that there is something wrong with what he’s asking, but realize what you you need is different from what he needs. You need a guy who will sacrifice and choose to be exclusive to you even if you are separated by distance. Right now he is not that guy–so either focus on finding a guy who can meet that need, or maybe look at dating guys who are there in your same location. I know that’s hard cause you want to be with him–but right now that’s really your only option(unless you put your lie on hold for him for the next 10 months while he dates others)—as you can only control how you choose to respond to the choice that he has made vs. trying to figure out why he made that choice or trying to change it (not that you are). Finally about ignoring his text, and not talking —my question is what will that accomplish? Relationships and friendships are built upon open and honest communication. if you need some time to think, at least let him know that—let him know that you are not sure that being just friends –or having an “open “relationship whatever that means – is what you want to do, and you want time to think. Once you have figured out what you want let him know, and then continue on–knowing that anything is possible in the future. But again right now this is where he is, and even though he said he wants a family and a future, right now he is not ready for that and you don’t know if he ever will be ready for that even if he matures (as no one can predict the future and how things are going to turn out). So again–if you can still keep in contact–but consider yourself single until someone comes along who is as ready to commit to you as you are to them. Just my thoughts–maybe this might be helpful or maybe not—but just wanted to put it out there for you. Good luck!

  33. @Shawn You made a lot of sense and I did find it very helpful. I think similar to you regarding not answering his texts- I like to face things head on. If we have a problem, let’s address it and not ignore it. I really, really appreciate your advice on this matter. This has been one of the hardest, most confusing things I have ever had to go through. . . and I have been through some pretty rough patches in my life. What doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger right? Forgive me for saying this, but it sounds like you weren’t as in love with this guy as I was. It sounds like you were attached, definitely, but completely in love? I was single for 5 years before I met this man, because I am very independent, goal oriented, and I am pretty guarded. Then I met him, and I fell in love fast. I was skeptical for the first month or so, but with each visit, meeting his family, having him meet my family. . . It kept growing into absolute head-over-heels in love. It’s going to be hard to start re-training myself to think that there are other fish in the sea, when you thought you had found “the one.” We were committed to each other and I (like you) made it very clear that we wouldn’t have sex with other people if we were in this relationship with one another- he agreed. So for us it isn’t about him wanting to date other people, it’s about him wanting to have sex with other people. And the distance, I get it, that’s a lot for anyone to sacrifice. But if you are truly in love with someone you make that sacrifice I really hope that I can still be friends with him. I am not mad at what he is asking, I understand it now. However, my trust isn’t really there anymore either and that’s making it pretty difficult.

  34. @aungee ..hey there…sorry this is really difficult….I understand. You are right that our situations are not exactly the same—Im not really saying that they are. It’s not easy when you feel like someone is the person who you think you will spend the rest of your life with and then they choose something different. It’s hard to shift into another way of thinking when you were thinking that things would be a certain way—and then the other person is not on the same page as they once were. I will say however that I know where you are at and what you are going through, I had a guy before who I thought was the one, and we had talked about getting married and me moving to his state, and then he called me one day and said that he was marrying someone who he met and was dating there. It was one of the most devastating and heartbreaking times in my life. So even though my situation with my current guy is not like yours —I can understand your feelings. I think the bottom line with your guy situation is that you want different things at this time in your lives (that’s why I say it’s not really essentially about sex when it really comes down to the heart of the matter). You thought that the relationship was strong enough for him to wait for 10 months and be committed to not having sex or being with anyone else, and he is in a different place. It sucks the most because you thought that he was more committed, devoted, willing to wait as you were and now you see that he is not…and it hurts especially when you thought the guy was the one. Yes it will take time to start to be open to other people–don’t rush it, or force it–take the time to be sad to feel hurt, but keep yourself busy too if that helps. All I know is that right now you two are not in the same place, and even if you thought you were the reality is that you are not. As far as trusting him in the future–well you will have to wait for the future to see what happens and how you feel in 10 months or how he feels in 10 months. Right now however, you obviously are not comfortable with an open relationship—so I would stick to that sentiment…just be truthful about how you feel and then let the cards fall where they may. Regarding being friends —if you think that’s to hard right now then don’t push yourself to do it—but if you want to keep in some sort of contact, and it won’t be hurtful to you to know that you are no longer exclusive then do that. (In my situation with the guy who said he was marrying someone else I tried to keep talking to him at first—but it proved to be too painful –so I told him that I really wished him well but it hurt too much at that time to keep talking so I needed to stop. He said he was sorry and understood. We did not talk for months, he did get married, but then one day I thought about him and wondered how things were. I wrote an e mail, he responded, and I was able to handle being friends at that time). So I said all that to say just take it a day at a time, and it will be clear what is best for you to do. Also something to note- I do believe that if you two are really meant to be together, when you are both ready for commitment on the same level then you all will work it out. Hang in there!

  35. @Shawn. . . Once again, thank you for your advice and your support. Time for me to start the healing process, with him as a friend, or without him as a friend. Either way, I am trying to keep busy and look forward. You are right too; If it’s meant to be, then it’s meant to be. Thank you again. I wish you all the best in your future.

  36. @aungee….you are soooo welcome–I hope what I said helped in some way (I certainly don’t have the answers) but sometimes another perspective helps. Thanks for the well wishes too–I wish the same for you and hope for the best for you in the future. Take care!

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