Is cheating ex playing me?

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Next Up:

Four years and counting

Did he care at all?

Break up confusion

Dear Guys,

My ex cheated and said he wanted me back, but he barely makes an effort to do so. When I say I don’t want to see him, he goes about his day and doesn’t even try to persuade me to come over to talk. He doesn’t even call. I’ve asked him to go to counseling-he refuses, but continues to ask me out. I tell him we need to fix the root cause of our problems and not ‘bandaid’ everything.

Now he is ignoring me since I wouldn’t meet him at the pub last night, as if he’s punishing me. I love him, but without his cooperation, what else can I do?? Thanks!


Dear Laura,

Thanks for writing to us.

Unfortunately the answer to your question is nothing. Without his commitment to working on himself and the relationship, your hands are tied.

People have to want to change. They have to want to take the steps necessary to get the things they want. If he’s not working on himself and making some changes then maybe his actions are telling you something.

Sometimes it takes much larger consequences for people to make changes. Maybe he doesn’t feel the need to change because he knows you’re always going to keep giving him chances?

And what about the cheating? Have you found out why he cheated on you in the first place? Has he apologized and asked for forgiveness? Have you seen any remorse from him?

Laura, you have to decide what you want and be clear to yourself and him. If you want him back but only if you go to counseling together, then you need to say that to him. If you want just him to go to counseling then you need to be clear with him. Just be aware if you go this route, you need to be prepared for any possible scenario. And one possible scenario is that he might leave for good.

Our suggestion. Give this some thought and decide what you want out of your relationship. If you feel that the two of you can work something out, and that you can learn to trust him again, then by all means give it a shot. But relationships involve more than one person, and you shouldn’t be doing all the work. Obviously you value your relationship, but does he? We can’t answer that, only you can….and him.

Good luck.


2 Comments on Is cheating ex playing me?

  1. I am newly married and have cheated already on my husband. I have cheated on him while dating with a guy friend that I was physically attracted to. Nothing has happened since. Recently another guy that I have known has come back into my life and we started a friendship. We are both extremely attracted to one another. We started talking via text and one night I saw him out at a bar with friends. We ended up going to another bar together. We ended up only kissing that night. He wanted to see me not long after that but I held back. We continued to text and often. It was exciting. We did end up meeting up another night and had sex. It was great and I find myself wanting more. He expressed the interest too. Our schedules conflict so it hasn’t happened again. I can’t stop thinking of the act or him. We were still talking up until recently. I was drunk one night and texted him that I thought this was what he does and hooks up with married women and told him we shouldn’t be friends. He said he has no clue where I get this stuff from. I was persistent and basically ruined the relationship. I have apologized for my words. He says he doesn’t hate me but needs a break from this. I told him I don’t want the friendship to end and he said he didn’t say that he just needs a break and will be in touch with me. It’s hard not to communicate with him because our talks were enjoyable. He has things on his mind right now other then me and told me with all he has going on he is overwhelmed with what he has going on and along with what I said. How do I fix this and go back to being friends. Is there any saving this. Please help I miss him already

  2. @Gia…..Okay, before we get to your specific question we just have to ask you: What about your husband? How long have you been married? Are you planning on getting divorced? Does he have any idea this is going on? And finally, how old are you and your husband? This will give us a better backdrop to your question about your other guy. Thanks.

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