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Four years and counting
Did he care at all?
Break up confusion
My ex cheated and said he wanted me back, but he barely makes an effort to do so. When I say I don’t want to see him, he goes about his day and doesn’t even try to persuade me to come over to talk. He doesn’t even call. I’ve asked him to go to counseling-he refuses, but continues to ask me out. I tell him we need to fix the root cause of our problems and not ‘bandaid’ everything.
Now he is ignoring me since I wouldn’t meet him at the pub last night, as if he’s punishing me. I love him, but without his cooperation, what else can I do?? Thanks!
Thanks for writing to us.
Unfortunately the answer to your question is nothing. Without his commitment to working on himself and the relationship, your hands are tied.
People have to want to change. They have to want to take the steps necessary to get the things they want. If he’s not working on himself and making some changes then maybe his actions are telling you something.
Sometimes it takes much larger consequences for people to make changes. Maybe he doesn’t feel the need to change because he knows you’re always going to keep giving him chances?
And what about the cheating? Have you found out why he cheated on you in the first place? Has he apologized and asked for forgiveness? Have you seen any remorse from him?
Laura, you have to decide what you want and be clear to yourself and him. If you want him back but only if you go to counseling together, then you need to say that to him. If you want just him to go to counseling then you need to be clear with him. Just be aware if you go this route, you need to be prepared for any possible scenario. And one possible scenario is that he might leave for good.
Our suggestion. Give this some thought and decide what you want out of your relationship. If you feel that the two of you can work something out, and that you can learn to trust him again, then by all means give it a shot. But relationships involve more than one person, and you shouldn’t be doing all the work. Obviously you value your relationship, but does he? We can’t answer that, only you can….and him.