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Is he into me or not?

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Long distance relationship: Push and pull

Dear Guys,

I met this guy a couple of years ago. We flirted back and forth. I’ve been divorced for a few years. I ran into him in the spring and he told me he had just gotten divorced. We flirted for a couple more months then finally got together for drinks. Unfortunately, the drinks were many and I ended up sleeping with him. We had a couple of dates after that and I thought things were fine. We were trying to get to know each other. Then he leaves town for two months and doesn’t call, text, email or anything. Upon returning to town he sends me an email and says he really likes me, but he has a lot going on. I left it at that. (We see eachother a lot at a mutual work site.) I have been friendly and he seems to seek me out. He has been flirtatious and texts on occasion. I have tried to let him know that I’m still interested. Some days he seems into me and others he completely ignores me. I don’t know whether to wait it out or move on to the next.

Anne

Dear Anne,

Thanks for your question.

Your guy seems all over the place. And maybe that’s exactly where he needs to be since you mentioned he just got divorced. In our minds the question isn’t whether he’s into you—we think he is, at least physically—but more whether or not he’s actually ready to be in a committed relationship so soon after splitting up with his ex-wife.

As you know Anne, relationships have as much to do with timing as they do with chemistry. The two of you have the chemistry but we’re not so sure about the timing. And if he just wants to be single right now but he senses you want more, that could be the reason he’s playing it cool, and sending you mixed signals. That doesn’t mean it might not work out at some point down the road, but if it does it will be a long drawn-out process, that will likely be emotionally draining, and leave you exhausted and possibly resentful.

Let’s take a look at his actions for a moment. People who want to be committed to someone don’t leave town for a few months without keeping in close contact. Your guy basically disappeared and did whatever he pleased without worrying about how his actions affected you or anyone else. While we don’t condone his behavior if he were in a committed relationship with you, we also understand where he’s at. Depending on how his divorce ended, or how the preceding years played out, he probably needs to be free from any sort of commitment. And it’s likely, at least for the next few years, he wants to be single, play the field, and reacquaint himself with his former self.

So where does that leave you?

You have three choices.

1. You can just wait and see if he comes around, and continue on with how it’s going. If you’re fine with a casual, flirtatious type of relationship, with the occasional hookup, this scenario will work for you. But it’s likely you’ll just be more frustrated as the months go by.

2. You can move on and put yourself out there in the dating world. You never know what cool person is around the corner. And honestly we don’t think your guy is ready to be with anyone seriously.

3.  Or you can tell him how you feel and try to find out where his head’s at. We understand you don’t want to pressure him, but if you really think he’s worth it, and you really have no idea where he’s coming from, this will at least give you some answers. It doesn’t seem like there’s much to lose since all you’re doing right now is flirting with each other.

We hope this helps. Please feel free to leave us a follow up comment, or ask a follow up question. (Leave in comments section.)

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us.

 

 

 

 

 

15 Comments on Is he into me or not?

  1. Hi, I have wondered about the question above, since I’ve been divorced, 6 years. There is a man that has been coming into my work center for a few years now. We engaged in the normal pleasantries and
    the past six months he has been very
    attentive to me. He lives in another state. We don’t talk long, as he has to prep his work area down the hall, then leaves on a flight. He always comes to my area, smiles, jokes around and asks what my plans are for the weekend, the next week he asks if I did the activity I planned. He says some really sweet things like it made his week to see his favorite agent, or it wouldn’t be worth coming here if I wasn’t there. He is not afraid to be vocal when he says these things. Alot of people won’t give me the time of day due to my profession, but he isn’t afraid of speaking or being seen with me. I don’t know if he’s married, no ring, but that doesn’t mean anything. I am very shy and am not good at flirting but I tell him how nice he looks etc. We just click and I think I have a bit of a crush on him. I was thinking of writing a short note to tell him how much I admire him and the aforementioned qualities. I don’t want to hurt our passing friendship, so I won’t say how I feel when I see him. I really don’t know what to do and I don’t want to read anything into it but that he just like teasing me, fun. What do you think I should do, let him know by note that he’s a wonderful person or is that going to make him
    uncomfortable. I don’t ever want to do that. How do you tell, it seems like such a fine line?

  2. @Ann…..Well, it certainly sounds like he’s into you. So you have to ask yourself, why is not asking you out? 1. He just sees you as a friend. 2. He doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable at work. 3. Something else? It might help if we understood the dynamic between you better. What do you do for work? What does he do? Why is he coming to see you? Meaning, how do your paths cross, or rather why? That might help us help you figure this out. We’ll be back in the morn. Let us know.

  3. Hi, I am a senior in high school and there is a guy I like in my stats class.
    I suddenly see him in the hallways after first period in the last week but I don’t know if I’m just making a big deal out of nothing. He always says hi to me but never looks at me or smiles. Like last Friday he loudly said “Hi” but never looked at me. We used to have decent conversations in math but now I feel like they’re shorter and he doesn’t look at me as much anymore. He doesn’t turn his body towards me either.
    Sometimes we walk together after class but even then he doesn’t look at me even though he talks and asks me questions. I asked for his number first for a proj were working on together (though idk if he knows that’s why I asked). That day I texted him so he could get my number and he said he’d text me in a bit because he waa at the gym but never did.. I always text him first and he respond with smileys and haha’s and lol’s but seems to always leave for work or sleep after a few texts. So is he just shy or is he just being nice and doesn’t like me?

  4. @Linh……You need to let him start initiating contact. If he doesn’t, then you’ll know that you’re just friends. If he does, then it’s possible he’s interested. You’re making things way too easy for him. We know it’s hard but try to be patient and let him be a guy.

  5. I’ve been talking to this guy for about 3 months now. I have known him for about 2 years and we were relatively good friends before we actually started talking. It was said from the beginning that neither of is were looking for anything serious because we had both just gotten out of long relationships. We talked everyday, or rather texted because neither of us like to talk on the phone and we live two hours from each other. It started out all fun and flirty. We exchanged sexy pictures and always joked about sex. However, the first time we hungout we almost had sex and probably would have if we didn’t have an issue with the alcohol. That was all good and fine, we still cuddled that night like it was nothing. The next day everything was still good, in fact we almost had sex again after a game of strip poker but had no condom. We just chilled for the rest of the day, but he was really touchy. Like we were sitting on my bed and he kept rubbing my legs and stuff, not in a perverted way though. And then we had a really long hug before he finally left. A few days after that I texted him and told that I liked him but he had nothing to worry about because I wasn’t looking for more than friendship I just thought he should know. He was cool about it, he just told me that he thinks we are better off as friends and he wanted to ho around since he never got the chance to do so before and what happened would probably never happen again because he didn’t want to ruin out friendship and he felt kind of weird after. We ended up hanging out that same day because he just so happened to be in town and everything was fine. We went to lunch and then visited with his mom for awhile and then he left. It’s been about a month or so since all of this happened and now things just aren’t the same. We don’t talk nearly as much as and when we do its kinda blah. He has a job now so that may be part of it, but it feels like more than that. I sent him a message the other day asking why he felt weird afterward and he said that it just wasn’t right and he regretted taking it there. If that’s the case though, why did it happen not just the one time? I have sent him a few crazy messages since all that went down, so I probably did this to myself, but I just want my best friend back. I would like for something more between us one day and I feel like there could be, but I don’t know anymore. Before all of this happened he told me that he felt like we were getting closer and it kinda scared him, so I know he’s probably thought about the idea of us. Did I completely ruin everything by telling him that I liked him or should I just give him some space?

  6. @SPAM…….How old are you? Him? If you ruined things, then they weren’t meant to be in the first place. Give him some space to clear his head. But understand, that just because he tried to have sex with you doesn’t mean he wants you to be his girlfriend. Guys are able to compartmentalize sex and relationships. Good luck.

  7. Ok so i’ve known this guy (x) since first grade but we never actually got to know each other really well before last year during a summer school trip. We spent a lot of time together and he always made me laugh, we soon became great friends. During senior year I dated another of his friends, but it just didnt work. When i was having problems with him, x was always trying to help me out. When I got dumped by this guy, x came up to me and walked me home talking to me all the way. He was super nice with me that day, and I think that from that I started having a liiittle crush on him but I didnt tell anybody. I was also ironically always helping him with the many girls he tried to get with (and failing). He was always complimenting me but also confiding really personal stuff, telling me “I was the only person he could tell this to”. So I wondered why he wouldn’t want to try getting with me. It took him an year but finally, at prom night he invited me to his place. At first it was really chill, I then started saying I had to go but he wouldn’t tell me his address (so that I could take a cab), because he wanted me to stay. I liked him but I didn’t want anything to happen because school was nearly over, plus it would have been really awkward because we were now in the same group of friends and always went out together. Before I could even realize it we were falling asleep together. He was sweetly caressing me and automatically, I put my arm around his chest. He kept caressing me for another 10 minutes and it was getting really awkward, so reeeeally slowly I got closer and closer to him and we kissed. He later told me that the moment I put my arm around him he was the happiest guy ever; that he would have never imagined this could have really happened. He was so so sweet with me, and again wouldn’t let me go. I asked him to not tell anybody about that night but I found out later that he obviously did. I was also really scared that things would have gotten really awkward between us, and that we would have stopped being friends. I told him this and he promised me everything would have remained the same if we wanted it to. I left the morning after, and in the afternoon he texted me jokingly, showing me that nothing would have been awkward. We then left for our senior trip and the second night we were drunk and hooked up in a club in front our friends. We hooked up for all of the following nights, seeing the sunrise at the beach together. We did stuff only on the last night, where he also tried to have sex but I said no because I wanted the first time to be with someone special, and he replied “I wish i were that special one”. The awkward thing is that we always hooked up during the night when drunk/high (what do you think it means?) The only time he came up to me (sober) he said that he was annoyed cos he couldnt stop thinking about me, and this would have been a problem as we had only one week left together and then we had to leave for uni. I was so embarassed so I just blurted “Its okay, its a summer fling, its nothing serious”. I felt bad for saying that so in the end i decided to kiss him during the day at the beach (never in front of our friends though cos I was really embarrassed). We then left but said bye to eachother just by hugging. He left for a month and never wrote to me until the day before coming back. I felt like shit cos he was so sweet to me when together but didnt bother even texting me for a month (even just as a friend!) When he finally did write to me I answered and we managed to meet up in our hometown. I invited him out with a group of friends because I didnt want things to be awkward (just us two), but he said he was too tired from his trip so he told me i could come to his place like the first night. I was really annoyed initially (because he wouldnt come see me) but I really wanted to see him so I went. We watched a movie, smoked together and slept together. He also asked me to take a shower with him, I didnt want to because I was afraid he would try to have sex and I didnt want to turn him down again. He insisted so we showered, but weirdly, he didnt try to have sex. Why do you think? Is it a good sign (shows he really cares for me and respects me) or bad sign (shows he’s not that attracted to me)? Anyways that night i decided to tell him that I wanted him to write to me more often, and he reacted a bit weirdly. He started going on about university and different paths, as if he were assuming I was telling him I wanted to date him. So i started telling him that I wanted to hear from him even just as a friend. He said an awkward “ok” and the conversation ended there. I felt weird cos during the senior trip he was the one talking about the future and I was the one taking things really chill (living the moment) Anyways apart for that he was extremely sweet with me the whole night and we had a really good time together. After that, he didn’t write to me for a week. I came back to our hometown three days ago, and he was supposed to have left. I found out today that he changed his plans and was still here, and i got kind of pissed because he knew I was coming back and didnt tell me anything (we could have seen each other for 3 nights!!!) So i decided to write to him.. I’ve heard you’re home, is it true? And he texted back: Yes! Are you too?? (so maybe he didnt remember I was coming back) ..and i texted back: yes!! do you know if anybody is doing anything tonight? ..and he texted: nope, i havent heard anybody. And the conversation ended there. He didnt ask me to meet up or anything and I was really annoyed by that. Ive noticed im the one always texting him. his friend says generally that its not me but its him who is forgetful and careless, and because it is summer he doesnt even think about writing to me. But its weird cos when we’re together he’s the sweeter one between us two (ive never met a guy so sweet), it looks as if he really really likes me. Sometimes he just likes staying in bed together hugging eachother. But then again maybe he acts like this only when he knows he can get something out of it. Now with these texts he’s acting so distant I don’t get why, is it because he’s afraid I think we’re going to date? Now we’re both moving to England for university. I’m going to London and he’s going just 40 mins outside London. I don’t know what to do Im so confused because I have never got along so well with a guy whom I’m also attracted to and I really don’t get what he wants from me. At first he looked like the sweet one really into the thing, but now its as if he doesnt care anymore. Do you think he is actually into me? What do you think I should do? Just go back as friends? Or hope that we could get into some sort of open relationship (because of uni)? I just don’t want to lose him or make things get awkward between us. PLEASE HELP ME!! PS. tomorrow is my last night home, should I text him again asking him if he’s doing something? or should I just stop running after him (now that he knows I’m home too!)

  8. Hello! My question is about my group mate from the University. We had never communicated until winter when we talked quite a while and it turned out we had a lot in common. After that he began texting often asking about home tasks, exams and the questions could be even obviously stupid.

    Though he would never speak to me much in public, when he was with his friends and I with mine he looked rather confused to talk as much as he did in FB or when we were without friends. And at prom he was almost ignoring me dancing and chatting with almost everyone except me, however, when we met again in the University he was again friendly and behaved as usually.

    Once I suggested going out to a party. However, he said he was busy and went on texting beginning messages with strange questions which I considered as a sort of excuse to text. Now we graduated and he sometimes comments on my posts or likes the pictures. Do you think this behavior may mean he is interested and I may ask him out again?

  9. @Lily……Let him initiate. If he doesn’t he’s not interested. And be careful he doesn’t just want a FWB. Good luck.

  10. Hi guys,
    Sorry for the diatribe!! Met a guy online and we had 2 great dates (hiking/talking for hours) and no kiss. We had good conversation, both active and like to be outdoors. Said he loved I went on a hike with him for a first date etc..He followed up quickly after both dates and our third was at his for dinner and movie. No kiss till the end but it was a fun 10 minute make out session and I liked he was never pushy. He’s sweet up to the fourth date, texts that he’s thinking of me or how much he appreciates how playful I am. Fourth date rolls around and we have dinner at his place. Not in the door 10 minutes and he wants to chat so there is no ‘misunderstandings’ (felt like a set up for a casual relationship) and makes some comment about physical chemistry being important (which it is and I agree with him) but remind him I’m not looking for casual sex or a one off which he agrees. We have lots of intimate foreplay that night but we don’t have sex. I leave for the weekend and when I get back he’s different. Emails go from 24-48 hour delay and when he makes plans offers one free night as opposed to the several he would have supplied earlier. I see something is wrong but we meet for another hike (date 5) and he says he just wants to be friends but he thought ‘it sucked because he “appreciates how playful I am and that he finds me very sensual” but the compatibility for long term isn’t there. He’s very Eco green and minimalist and lives a simple life by choice. That’s great! Also, he was in a 7 month relationship that ended two months ago to which he said she was very similar in views/values and that he thought she was the one very quickly which never happens for him, but it didn’t work out and he had taken this break up harder than his divorce!!!…Yikes…my other red flag. Made comments that he was hesitant to put his heart out there again etc. anyway, I was gracious when he ended it and he said again at the end of the walk that he really did want to be friends. I emailed him that night to the effect of thanking him for being a gentleman because he could have told me this after we slept together but he didn’t and he did it in person which is more than most guys and I wanted him to know I appreciated how he handled it and friendship would work for me.

    He responded to my email that ‘i was very gracious and thanked me so much. He also said that he ‘truly still wanted to be friends and thanked me’. Anyway, surprised by how difficult this has been despite never having had a real relationship, I do believe we connected. I really did like him and although it was early days and I certainly had my concerns about the compatibility my question then:

    1) I feel like he judged me ( and my designer hand bag) and made quick assumptions about the potential of a relationship/compatibility so early. is he using compatibility as an excuse for lack of physical attraction because I was pretty sure the sexual chemistry was great!

    2) Is the offer of friendship ever really sincere or just a way of him making himself feel better? Keeping me on the hook? Why would he still want to be friends?? Isn’t that weird?

    3) My ego is bruised (yes, I’ll get over it) but I’m not sure how to be friends now. Do guys see women who remain friends as desperate? Or is this my ego again? I don’t know if a constant reminder of the rejection is wise despite the fact that we get along well. Feels like there is a power shift!! Is he still doing all the initiating now? What’s the new rules?

    My sense that he was such a gentleman means he may be sincere about begin friends and actually really did like me but do these friendships ever work out? Is it better to just let these things go?

    Thank you kindly,

  11. Actually should have posted this under ‘will he come back’ because I wonder if once a guy friends you…is that it!!??

    Thanks again! You guys are awesome.

  12. @M…..Thank you for your donation. We do appreciate it! You’ve asked a bunch of questions so we’ll tackle them one at a time. First off, do you really need another friend? We get the sense he’s serious about being friends with you, and that’s great. But really, do you need the daily/weekly reminder that he didn’t want something more? And if you’re hanging around hoping that he might change his mind, well, then that’s not a good reason to be friends with him. So we say NAY on the friendship, but of course it’s your call. Second: We get the sense that some sort of physical attraction is missing for him. Don’t confuse sexual chemistry with physical attraction. Guys might want to have sex with a woman, but that doesn’t mean that other “something” is present for them. It just means they want to get laid. So if he’s saying he just wants to be friends, it probably has something to do with “what’s missing” for him. We know this is a bruise to your ego, but as you know, everyone is different. Guys’ opinions differ greatly on what’s hot and what isn’t. That said, a divorced man is not typically looking for something serious, at least for quite a while. Maybe he jumped into that other relationship too quickly, and now is completely gun shy, because he knows that was a mistake. Our sense is, this guy won’t be ready for a serious relationship for quite some time. Bottom line: We do applaud this guy for being a gentleman, but we don’t see a lot of potential with this situation. We say, move on. There are other guys out there that will be interested in getting to know you on a deeper level. This guy aint him. Sorry. Take care. Feel free to ask a follow up question or two.

  13. @M….No worries. Did you see our response? Read below.

  14. Hi guys, thanks for the advise. He’s actually been divorced 7 years and I do think he is looking for a relationship but agree that if he was physically attracted to me he may have stuck around longer to see if we were compatible. You’re correct. I don’t want the reminder. So do I just tell him I’m not looking for a new friends? Sounds immature…but a slow fade out feels worse given he was so honest with me.

  15. @M……Of course this is your call. But that’s what we’d do. Thank him for being honest, and then show him the same courtesy. Be honest. And then move on. If he doesn’t appreciate all that you have to offer someone else will. We wish you the best of luck. Take care of yourself.

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