Is he my boyfriend or what?

Dear Guys,

I met “M” two years ago in a college class. We hit it off right away and for most of that semester were connected at the hip. About a month or so after we met I slept with him for the first time, and we’ve pretty much been Friends with Benefits since then.

I’ve always had strong feelings for him, and he has feelings for me too. My concern is that we’re actually more then Friends with Benefits and just not admitting it. I’ve met his whole family and he’s met mine too. We spend sometimes three nights a week together, and there’s not always sex involved. Sometimes, more often than not, we cuddle on the couch and watch TV. We drink together a lot, and I sleep over 90% of the time we hang out; we sleep all tangled up together. To me it just really feels like a relationship. It just seems like he’s the best friend boyfriend type.

The other thing is that sometimes I feel the opposite. We’ll go through mini-cycles of not talking a lot for like a week or so, and sometimes “M” just seems really distant. He told me the other day while drunk that, A) He really cares about me and that I’m very important to him (not news) but B) He was sad because he thought I’d be good with his best friend “I” and wanted to hook us up. (UH. WHAT??!! I thought that was hella rude all things considered. There’s lines you just don’t cross right?)

Then again, he also does just really boyfriend-y things. He play wrestles with me in the morning and is just all around a softy sometimes. I told him I loved him while drunk last week also, and he said “I know.” It confuses me to no end. I just want to know what this sounds like to you. I just need to know from a guy’s perspective what this seems like because I’m sick of hitting a wall with him.

Thank you so much for your help.


Dear Ally,

You’re in a classic Friends with Benefits arrangement. We say classic, because there are no rules to FWB, which means by nature they are confusing as heck, usually to the woman more than the guy, since it’s usually the guy who proposes the arrangement in the first place.

Understand Ally, that if “M” is not asking you to be his girlfriend, and not saying “I love You” in response to your declaration, and disappearing at times, and suggesting you’d be good with his friend “I” then he is NOT thinking of you as his girlfriend, even if he introduces you to his family, and acts lovey-dovey with you.

When a guy is in love with a woman, he tells her he loves her, he shows her by showering her with affection, taking her out, bringing her gifts, introducing her as HIS GIRLFRIEND. What we see here is a guy who likes all the perks of a being with you—sex, companionship, emotional support—but does not want a committed relationship with you.

As to why? Well, we can’t answer that. There could be many reasons. What we can say for future reference, is that guys know pretty early on what potential they see in a woman. Is she girlfriend material? Marriage material? Friends with Benefits? Friend? No interest? We know this doesn’t seem to make sense, and we know he’s blurring the lines with his behavior, but if his actions and words are not matching up, you need to pay attention to that inconsistency.

We’re really sorry we couldn’t be more positive here. Have you talked to him? Have you asked him what’s going on? Have you asked him to define the relationship? To us this seems like the logical next step. Clearly you want more than just a FWB arrangement, so why not talk to him and see what he wants? It’s true that if you push the issue he could break things off with you. However, isn’t it better to know, than to wonder? If things fall apart, then that frees you up to be open to other possibilities. Remember, you should be with someone who loves and respects you the way you love and respect them. We’re not so sure your current situation is a two-way street, but maybe he’ll step it up if he knows you’re thinking of moving on.

Good luck and keep us posted.


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