10 years ago I met a wonderful man and fell in love, I had one child from a previous relationship and we had 2 more children in the last 10 years. Generally speaking we had been fairly happy as a couple and a family until recently. In the last 2 years we have dealt with many stresses but I thought we were managing them well. My “husband” (common-law) started a new job a year and a half ago working nights and I work days. We hardly see each other and only go to sleep together one night a week. I too have made a change in my career recently. I quit my job with his encouragement and support to find a new one closer to home. (I was commuting1.5hours to work). Last week he told me he loved me but wasn’t in love with me anymore. He wants to move out and refuses to talk through what is bothering him with me or even a counselor. I am shocked and heartbroken over this break up of my family. Can you tell me how to understand what he may be thinking? Does he really mean this or is something else going on?
He comes by everyday under the pretense of seeing the kids but spends all his time talking with me. When I call him he sounds annoyed, but when I ask if he’d like me not to call he won’t say yes or no? I am confused. So what do you guys think, is it really over?
Thanks for writing. We’re sorry you’re going through such a difficult time.
No, your marriage is not over. But unless you get him talking, and you find out what’s really going on with him, it will be.
Our first question to you is, are you sure there isn’t someone else? That was our gut reaction based on his actions. The fact that he doesn’t want to talk to a couples counselor, or you, makes us wonder. Sure, the person who initiates a break up is often much farther along in the process, but for a husband to just one day decide it’s over without talking about it, or trying to work something out, seems odd.
Working opposite schedules can put a strain on a relationship. The daily reconnection that couples typically have is very important. Even discussing mundane things is a reminder that you’re a team, and you’re working together to make it all work. Now of course, not everyone has the luxury to do this. You didn’t.
Obviously he still cares for you, but he’s forgotten why he loved you in the first place. The stereotype is, guys connect on a very physical basis, where women want more of an emotional connection. But really, both genders need a balance of both. It sounds like neither of you were getting what they needed over the course of the past two years. You’ve been able to handle the strain, and he hasn’t. The strain is no excuse though, but we’re trying to help you figure this out. A lot of couples endure much more stress than conflicting schedules. So once again, you need to get him talking somehow.
We’re pulling for you Sue. We hope you can work through this together to put the pieces of your marriage and family back in place. Communication is the key to this.
Good luck and keep us posted.
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