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Is this love or lust?

Dear Guys,

I had to find somewhere else to live quickly about a few months ago. After I posted an ad for roomshare, this guy responded. He seemed like a nice guy so I agreed to meet up with him. After that, I moved in and agreed to pay rent. A few days later I got drunk and we ended up having sex.

After a while he started demanding for me to quit my job or he’d kick me out. (I work as a call girl.) I had no choice but to comply because I had no money, nowhere to go, and didn’t want to be homeless. (I spent all of my money for the rent, food, clothes, hygiene.)

Even though I had quit working, he still kept threatening to kick me out. So I went back to working again. (I wasn’t about to be kicked out with nothing). I told my clients about him and they all told me he’s acting like this because he is jealous and that he loves me. I of course didn’t think that made any sense so I refused to believe that, especially since he doesn’t show any interest in getting to know me and will not let me get to know him. This is what he does which is why I’m confused: he is constantly kissing me, although it doesn’t feel comfortable with the way he does it; he is always buying things for me that I don’t even like; the only time he pays “real” attention to me is when he wants sex. Whenever I try to mention that I want him to get to know me and that I want to get to know him or if I mention anything about how I feel regardless of what it’s about, or whenever I verbally express my displeasure of being cooped up in the apartment all day, or even when I want to get out of the apartment and just hang out with my friends for a bit—they are all homeless—it always starts an argument, with him threatening to kick me out again which then turns into a screaming match and then ends with him saying “I’m sorry, I love you” while he is also trying to kiss me and bring me to the bed for sex.

He is constantly talking about us getting married and having a baby together. Whenever I plan on leaving, even though it will cause me to become homeless, he says something or does something that makes me stay. (Plus, the whole thought of being homeless is enough to make me stay.)

My question is: Does he love me? Or is it just lust?

Liliana

Dear Liliana,

If you look up love in the dictionary it says: a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. Sex certainly can be part of that equation, one way to express love. Of course, if that’s the only way a guy expresses his “love” one might pause and consider if it’s just biology at work or lust as you said.

Based on your question, and the details you provide, there is an element of control present that colors all the rest. He knows that you are hurting for money, and he is lording that over you, subtly, or not so subtly, threatening to kick you out unless you stop having sex with other men, and only have sex him. To us, this feels as if he were just another client, trading a place to stay for sex. Also, jealousy doesn’t necessarily mean he’s in love with you, although it could be. It could just be a guy thing, his way of protecting what’s “his.”

You’re instincts are right. A loving relationship involves much more than sex. Understanding the other person, accepting the other person, supporting the other person, respecting the other person, wanting the best for the other person, having the other person’s back while out in the world. These are all qualities of a loving relationship. If he is not interested in you for more than your body, then it’s doubtful he loves you.

That said, you know him better than we do. It seems you have a pretty good handle on what’s what. Our advice to you would be to trust your gut. Remember, actions speak louder than words. If he loves you, he’ll do more than say it. He’ll show you by all the ways we mentioned.

If you have any follow-up comments, questions, feel free to leave them in the comments’ section below this post. You must be Logged In to do so.

All the best,

THE GUYS

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