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Jealousy: Friends of the opposite sex

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Dear Guys,

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for many years off and on. This time around (which is the last time) we are both making the effort and planning towards marriage.  A tentative date is set (2012) but no ring yet.  It is my belief that it’s not official until a ring is on my finger.

Now to my question.  What should I think about him when he thinks I’ve slept with every one of my guy friends? And he does not believe me when I say that I have not.  Actually, I have not.  As I said before, we have been together for many years.  This is the first time he has ever questioned my faithfulness or truthfulness.  He said he is willing to work through this with me but I believe this is an attack on my character to the highest point.  From my perspective, I have done nothing with other men while with him.  Even my regular guy friends he is confident that I have f*** them!

What should I make of this?

Diane

Hi Diane,

Thanks for writing to us.

The fact that he doesn’t trust you is a problem, and a big red flag. Trust is the cornerstone of every relationship, and if it’s not there you have to figure out why it isn’t, or what happened to it, and try to inject it back into your relationship.

Maybe your man has always been this way and you just didn’t notice it; and now his insecurities are getting the best of him. If this is true, he’s unlikely to change. If not, and this is truly new behavior on his part, you need to figure out why he’s started to feel and act this way.

Is there a reason he all of a sudden thinks you’ve slept with your friends? You say you’ve never done anything, so why is he so jealous? Like we said, if he really has always been this way, but you’re just noticing it now, or it’s just starting to bother you now, then it’s a real problem. But if something happened that is now causing him to be suspicious of you, please get to the bottom of it. Talk to him. Find out what’s really going on.

Some thoughts about friends of the opposite sex for all readers.

Having friends of the opposite sex is fine, but you have to tread carefully. Going out on the town, or to bars, or to dinner, or doing things that typically you’d do with your spouse or boyfriend is not really okay. Also having close emotional bonds with other men(for women), and women(for men) can also be a problem; like having a friend of the opposite sex you confide in, and talk to about things you can’t or won’t talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend about. Some women-and men-think this is okay, but the best test is the reversal test. How would you feel if your partner was confiding in one of their friends, and talking about your relationship, or talking intimately with some other person and not you? It’s likely you wouldn’t like it so much.

We’re absolutely not saying being in a relationship should restrict a person from having friends of the opposite sex, but we are saying, always be respectful and consider your partner’s feelings. And ask yourself, is your behavior truly being respectful of your partner?

You don’t give us enough information Diane, but the man in your life should feel like he’s the most important person in your life, and he should make you feel the same way. Neither of you should have to compete with each others friends.

However, if you can’t think of any good reason that he might be jealous, then this could potentially be an issue for both of you. Without trust, relationships eventually fall apart.

Good luck to both of you.

THE GUYS

4 Comments on Jealousy: Friends of the opposite sex

  1. Great advice as always!!!

  2. My 44 y/o boyfriend “Joe” and I have been together for 6 months (and known each other for 1 1/2 years. My boyfriend has been “friends” with “Diane” (approx 48 years old) for 15 years (SHE is the step sister of his ex-wife – – Needless to say, the exW and my bf hate eachother, and “Diane” and the step sis hate eachother as well. Yet… Joe and Diane CONTINUE to remain “friends”.

    Problem I’m having are these:

    1) She was sexually molested by her brother AND stepfather – – She says “I think of him as a brother. I HOPE you don’t think there’s ANYTHING going on between us, cuz there’s not”.

    2) She is married and has had a VERY rocky marriage. What if this girl is “sexually promiscuous” toward/with my boyfriend???? They say “no, we’re just friends”… I HAVE DIFFICULTY BELIEVING IT, AND CAN’T SEEM TO GET OVER THESE THOUGHTS. Yes, I lack TRUST in him.

    3) He is VERY protective of her. I can’t say ONE thing about her, or he will jump all over me verbally until I understand that it’s “not my place” to get involved in THEIR relationship.

    4) She AND he keep ME out of THEIR relationship. I don’t understand WHY I am not allowed in… In fact, I DON’T even WANT to be part of it, because I DON’T THINK “THEIR RELATIONSHIP” should exist. I THINK THEIR “RELATIONSHIP” is a totaly DISrepsect of my relationship with my BF. Am I wrong????

    5) Those two call eachother daily. They visit eachother’s houses atleast 1x/week and supposedly “talk” and “discuss” whatever it is they “discuss” (apparently she vents about her drug addictions, problems with her husband, etc…). Anyway, NEITHER Joe NOR Diane see these daily phone calls/weekly visits as a DISrespect of the relationship between my bf and I.

    6) She can’t stand me… absolutely dislikes me immensely. She’s told him this. HE doesn’t defend “us”. I feel totally insulted, hurt, and disrespected… it’s disgusting to even think about.

    Anyway, please let me know what you think of all of this.
    What do I do to resolve all of this?

    I’ve suggested “all three” of us talking about this, getting it all out in the open. My boyfriend says, “Absolutely NOT!”.

    Thanx.

  3. Why does my ex boyfriend (who broke up with me) get mad/jealous that I am hooking up with other guys? He has made it clear to me that he doesnt want to be in a relationship, on occasion when we are both drunk we sometimes hookup but not on a regular basis. And I have made it clear to him that if he wants me to be his I will. Why does he get mad?

  4. @Maria…..This is a very good question. Guys are territorial, especially about sex. Even if the two of you weren’t hooking up, he still wouldn’t want you sleeping with other men. We could get into the historical origins of this proclivity, but suffice it to say, guys just don’t want their “woman” to sleep with anyone while they’re sleeping with them. And you say, “But he doesn’t want me?!!” You’re right, but in his mind, you’re his woman until he moves on with another woman. Our advice: Stop sleeping with him. It’s just confusing you and not good for your emotional well-being. Nothing is going to change. He’s not going to come back and change his mind. And it’s keeping you in a holding pattern. Time to move on. Thoughts? Does this help? ps. We do hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz. Share on Facebook or other social networking sites. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks!

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