Kissing cousins: Should we date? And: What is he thinking?

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Dear Guys,

My distant cousin lives overseas. We got in touch through texting and gradually we started flirting heavily. We have a text-relationship. He called me twice too. I spent the holidays over in his country and we met up with our friends. The first day was still normal. But after the second day he became all cold. I asked him about it but all he said was he was bummed out that he had scratched his brand new BMW and he had not slept well—well he did meet me up with our friends for 2 days straight squeezing his other plans in.

Ever since then it has been a hot and cold thing. We met once after when he was in transit in my hometown with his friend. It seems that right after we met up he would be cold and so I would be too. But gradually we started flirting again, though never as heavy as the time before; and it’s him who always starts the flirting. Or like when I don’t text him or try to ignore him, he starts texting me everyday and is waiting for me to reply. We are both attached to other people as well and we both know each other’s “significant other” through FB, but we never talk about it.

I think both of us don’t expect the situation to be this way as we are related distantly. (We played together when we were younger.) But what does it mean on his part? What is he thinking? I too am unsure about what I am feeling but clearly this is bothering me enough for me to be asking about it. I find myself waiting for his texts and wondering or getting jealous if he’s out with his girl. And my heart skips a beat if I get his texts. HELP!!


Dear Susan,

Thanks for your question. We can see that this has thrown you for a loop. Sometimes our hearts have a mind of their own.

However, while dating or marrying your cousin is not against the law, it’s not typically a path most people feel comfortable heading down. We understand this guy is your distant cousin and probably shares little of your gene pool, but it’s still “taboo” enough where it seems like you’re both at least thinking and wondering if it’s something you should even pursue.

And maybe your relation to each other hasn’t stopped you from flirting, but it seems it’s enough of an issue that it might be affecting his behavior, and maybe even yours. (That and the fact that both of you are attached to other people currently, which may not be a bad thing in this particular situation.)

From what you describe we would typically say he’s not interested in being in a relationship with you, but in your case, since we have to factor in the “cousin” variable, it could just be a little too “out there” for him to handle. And instead of just saying that, he continues to give you mixed messages. We’re not sure if he’s ever going to feel completely comfortable with it, which could explain why he’s all flirty from a distance, but when you are actually in the same location he acts funny.

We’re not saying you shouldn’t pursue this, but the situation is ripe for this type of uncertainty and confusion.

Good luck,


ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!


2 Comments on Kissing cousins: Should we date? And: What is he thinking?

  1. Hmm well now heres a good one…. Ill put my 2 cents in short and sweet…

    If your already questioning it now….. Then its not right or meant to be. Cut the ties now especially considering your both with other people. It isnt fair to the people you have commited to in my opinion.

  2. Hi, I’m confused about whether or not I should pursue a relationship with my neighbor. Im 17 and I’ve know him for an very very long time.He two years older then me. See we actually grew up together but not in the way where we became good friends. We used to play a lot with his cousin and my brother but you know little boys rather play with other boys than girls, so I was the odd one out usually. Eventually we stopped playing together because my brother and I had a strict “babysitter” who wouldn’t let us leave the house to play. So after that we all just stopped talking. (I actually had developed a little crush on him when we were younger)Well now I’m older and have A LOT more freedom then before but I still haven’t had a boyfriend because I’m really shy around guys that I like or don’t know well.(Towards him it the combination of both) He’s always polite to me and (when I get the courage) he’s really nice to talk too, but I can also see that he’s shy. I’ve had this habit of looking into people eyes when I talk to them. (this has gotten mixed reactions from people) I asked my friends about it an they all say it used to creep them out/make them feel weird so they try not to look, I had already noticed it though lol. Normally I would just think he’s looking away because of that but the first thing he does is smile and say “hello” and look away. (Faster then most people) My friend has also said that she seen him checking me out. So far his Dad and Grandmother seem to be trying to push us into relationship. His Father actually said that I should hang out with him, and considering our ages I don’t really think its for a friendship. With his family “encouraging” me to hang out with him its adding on to more of my concerns… I don’t know if it because they’ve noticed a change in him when I’m around/he’s talked about me, or if it just because they trust me since I’m very nice/ they known me for so long. I’m not really concerned with our age but, after summer, I’m going to be a senior in high school. What if I do get into a relationship with him? It’s very likely that I will be going away to college out of state. Is it too late to bother trying to be in a relationship? And the biggest question: How would I even go about asking him out? He’s my neighbor, it makes it so much harder for me because I’d be super embarrassed if he said yes or no (more so if he said no). He doesn’t look like he’d make the first move and plus I’m not sure if he’d even want to because his family seems so interested in me. =/

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