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Learning not to be insecure

Dear Guys,

Five months ago a man I work with asked me out. I was stunned. I even asked if he was feeling okay as we have rarely spoken to each other.  (I’m witty.) But after he assured me he wasn’t sick, and that he’s an RN and he should know, I said yes.

He told me he’d asked around about me beforehand…research LOL.  I also had heard that he had gotten separated some months before.  I went out with an open mind & no real expectations. That was 5 months ago. There have been ups & downs. (His withdrawing & my insecurity about it.) I don’t want to be the rebound girl. He spoke openly about what he’s going through and I’m so thankful he did. ( The pending divorce in a few months,  his recent birthday ..he’s almost 50. Plus he has other stressors.) I’m divorced so I definitely get the things he’s feeling. BUT. Here is where my insecurity lies: when he doesn’t text or call much, or see me much, I feel like I’m in this alone.

He said he loved me the first a couple of months into dating. Scared me to death because I was afraid he didn’t know what he was feeling. I went with it. Trusted. I hope that we will make it through to the other side.

I gave him an out because I want happiness for us both. He said he didn’t want out and he’d try to meet me half way about a little more contact. I don’t nag and I have let him set the pace from the beginning. I just needed him to understand that I didn’t want to feel alone. That my insecurity came from feeling that way.

So..what advice can you give us ladies who care & love the divorcing, aging, introverted man?

Tot

Dear Tot,

Thanks for your question.

It seems that you’re handling yourself quite well. A little humor, some honest communication about your needs. We wish some of the young people who are just starting out in the dating world handled themselves as well as you.

So why were you stunned when he asked you out? Was this a commentary on him, or you?

Tot, you know as well as we do that confidence is sexy. A guy who carries himself with confidence is always attractive, even if they don’t posses other qualities that society deems attractive. The same holds true for women. If you tell a guy you’re feeling insecure, his first instinct will be to pull away. The more independent you are—even if you’re feeling lonely—the more he’ll want you. (Yes, things don’t change as guys get older.)

This guy wants someone who’s in a similar station as him. He’s busy. He probably has kids to see, a demanding job, friends. And now that he’s getting divorced he wants to do all the things he felt he couldn’t do while married. This likely means resuming hobbies, hanging with friends, and focusing more on work. Yes, he may also want you in his life, but not to the point where he’s going to want to give up all of these other things to have a relationship with you.

So it’s up to you to blend into his life. We’re not saying, you need to change who you are, or your life, to fit his life; we’re saying he wants you to have a similar life as his, so he doesn’t feel guilty when he’s off doing things. He wants to know you’re happily involved with your own life—family, activities and friends—while he’s busy living his. Otherwise he’s going to cut ties, especially since, as a newly divorced guy—well, almost divorced—the last thing he wants is to be tied down in a serious relationship.

That said, we do feel he’s interested in you. Hopefully he’ll follow through on his promise to compromise a bit about more communication. And we agree with you. A short call, or a few texts daily wouldn’t be that big of a deal. But once again, it has less to do with the time commitment of those requirements, and more to do with the idea behind them. Basically, he doesn’t want to do anything he doesn’t want to do. Sounds selfish doesn’t it? It is. But that’s where he’s at right now. That’s where all guys are when they get separated and/or divorced. That may change after a time, but right now you need to be patient and understanding if you want to be involved with this man.

Does this make sense? Is this relationship still something you want to pursue? Let us know if you have any other questions. And leave us a comment below in the comments’ section.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about our site. Thanks. We appreciate it. Also, if you’d like to donate to THE GUYS, no donation is too small, or too big. Use PayPal button on the right side of any page on our site.

 

 

35 Comments on Learning not to be insecure

  1. I hadn’t thought about him other than in passing. Definitely thought I was not his type. So I was completely thrown the day he asked me out.
    The first couple of months moved fast. I was scared. He’d. Say things like he was falling for me ..never knew he’d be this happy. My head was screaming “too good to be true “.
    But…I started to believe. Then is when he kinda slammed on the breaks. He didn’t seem approachable ..like if I had a bad day…he’s not who I felt I could call.
    I think he’s worth the wait..I’ve backed off even though it hurts. I do want him to be happy…less stressed. I keep trying to see the bif picture….the divorce he didn’t see coming. All the messed up feelings to deal with. Plus he’s “feeling ” old & he’s introverted.
    So….I’m a good catch ..but I know he’s dealing with bigger stuff than me. I hope one day he is ready to be my shoulder when I need it. I never bug him with my problems.

    Guess I’m just going to focus on good stuff & see where this goes. I’m not going anywhere. Yet.

    I hope we make it thru & he eventual opens his heart to love me without being aftaid

  2. @Tot….We hope so too. You’ve got the right approach. And we like your positive outlook AND your humor! One thought: It’s certainly worth waiting for this guy, but remember if/when he does come around don’t compromise who you are to be with him. (We know you know that.) But sometimes it’s easy to do when you’re really in love. All of a sudden you find yourself giving in and changing to accommodate their quirky personality or life. Just keep that in mind. This needs to be balanced at some point. Take care and keep in touch. Keep us posted as things progress and ask another question anytime. And once again thanks for sharing our site with friends. Our relaunch is coming later this week.

  3. i am 23 and i have a 1 year old daughter. we left her father/ my husband 7 months ago and i have filed for divorce. we married young (19) but we grew up together and i thought i knew him well and was in love. shortly after we got married he became verbally abusive (calling me stupid, idiot, severely threatening me, constantly belittling me). then he became physically abusive 6 months after we were married. it started with shoving and grabbing my arms roughly and yelling in my face when i said something “stupid” or “challenged” him and soon led to slapping and hitting me. he rarely apologized after and he blamed me for his actions. he’d say that if i would just shut up when he told me to or didnt say stupid things he wouldnt get so angry with me to the point of hurting me. and i somehow believed him because i valued his opinion and always admired him as a person (why i dont know).
    so i constantly blamed myself because i know i can be opinionated and i dont always think about things before i do them. i also had my suspicions about his fidelity. i didnt have any proof at all, i just had a feeling and he tended to be secretive but he always denied it and claimed he wasnt the type to cheat and that i should know he’s not cheating because he’s always very honest, sometimes brutally so. i concluded that there was no way he could treat me that way and cheat on me too. i just didnt think it was possible to have both issues in a marriage . then things started getting better (i thought). he was still verbally demeaning at times but not physically abusive for at least 7 or 8 months and we talked about having a child because he always wanted a daughter.
    he agreed that he still had things to work on but that he was doing better and that being a father would make him an even better man. and i convinced myself that he would make a good father and he was working on being a better husband. i really wanted to start a family. looking back i think i really longed for his approval and i thought having a child with him and being a good mother would make him happy and make him want to work even harder at being a good husband. during my pregnancy however he started to get abusive again, one time he even shoved me to the floor. he wasnt very supportive, didnt want to go with me to labor and delivery classes, and showed very little patience and compassion when i went through my mood swings. he even encouraged me to get induced because he had to start his six weeks from work because of several false labor alarms.
    he was always pressuring me to do something. after a difficult emergency c-section our daughter was born and he was initially helpful but everything had to be done his way, despite the fact that im her mother. he pressured me to go back to work 3 weeks after having her because we “needed the money” and “he wasnt allowed to go back to work earlier than his 6 weeks” (although he was willing to take care of her while i went to work). it became rather apparent that his parenting style was different from mine. he tended to be very rough and impatient with her even at 2 months. he wouldnt let my daughter and i bond and demanded that i keep her in the baby room almost all day (unless she “needed something”)it was a very difficult time for me especially since i was going through postpartum deppression and he showed very little symapthy.
    soon i started to see inconsistencies and i saw a suspicious text on his phone. he continued to deny any cheating. but it was a recurring topic that led to heated arguments, until one day he got physical again for the first time since our daughter was born. he’d slapped me and i told him i was leaving and taking our daughter with me then he punched me in the stomach and dragged me down the hall, then threatened to kill us both if i left with her. i guess you could say my motherly instincts took over and i knew i had to get her out of the situation. we left one day before he came home and since ive gotten proof of him cheating and i filed for divorce. he’s shown very little interest in our daughter since, which convinces me even more that im doing the right thing.
    i just want to know: how its possible to move on from that situation and maybe even find a great guy who actually cares about me and my daughter and who could be a great father to her? honestly he has me doubting the existence of great men all together, plus the fact that i never had a great relationship with my own father. would any man even want to date a divorced woman with a child, especially after i’ve been in a relationship like that and how can i know what man to trust??!

  4. @Kim…We left a comment on the other post you left it on. “Dating in my 20s as a single mom.” Leave us a reply there.

  5. Hey, CAn you decipher how this guy feels about this girl based off reading this?

    You,

    Please understand that it was not my intentions to get super freaked out and stop talking to you. I feel terrible for it and I know that’s not what you need or deserve. I’m sure you don’t believe me but I have thought of you everyday. I don’t know if this note will even matter or not but if it does I want you to know that I still care and I’m not the worst human being on earth. You showed me something that I had never seen, and for a while I thought I could do it. I wanted to do it. Turns out I was weak. I’m lost …I’m more lost than when I was before I even found you. I don’t even know where to start looking again. I feel as if I’m doomed. My life is in shambles and I have no clue how to even start putting it back together. Understand that time apart was not bad. It feels bad and it hurts but imagine if you would have found out how I was longer down the road, and i would have hurt much much worse. I knew that. This is not how I wanted things but I don’t know how to deal so I shut people out. I’m sorry for hurting you Regan. You didn’t need this. You have been hurt enough in the past and this is not what you need. I don’t know what is going to happen I’d figure you would never talk to me again after this, but if you ever do just let me know. I need to go to church, but of course I don’t want to. I’m not strong enough to. If you still want to go let me know.I would like to. My phone is no longer working but if you ever want to talk, you know where I live. Thank you for opening my eyes to something I have never known. I’m sorry to have closed them too fast. Be good.

  6. @Free…..We can’t, at least we can’t be 100% sure. We have two interpretations: 1. He’s interested, but he doesn’t know if she’ll take him back. 2. He’s not interested, so he’s trying to make it seem like he’s lost so she’ll feel sorry for him instead of angry. It’s kind of a mish mash of feelings, and we don’t know the specifics. Hope this helps a little.

  7. he left his fiance for her

  8. @Free…..Well we certainly like to see actions rather than just hear words.

  9. hello, i talked to you on here about my ex boyfriend. this time i want to not be so insecure about myself and i was wondering if you could help me? i have always felt like i wasnt skinny enough or pretty enough like i would never find someone. how can i become not so insecure about myself? and could you help me with something els? ive known this guy since 7th grade and ive had the biggest crush on him, how do i get him to notice me?

  10. @Emily…..We understand. This is a tough society to feel comfortable and confident in. You’d be surprised at how many “skinny” people feel the same as you. (Believe us) We’re a “Screen” society, and our screens our filled with “perfect images.” But that’s not reality. (We know you know this.) Our advice is to stop focusing on the aspects you’re not sure about, and focus on all of your great qualities. (Intelligence, humor, creativity, intuitiveness, kindness, humility, etc.) The key is to start validating yourself and be comfortable with who you are. That’s what attracts other people. If you project confidence—even if you’re not feeling it—that’s sexy. We also suggest you consider talking to a professional counselor/therapist about some of these concerns. You might be surprised at how helpful that might be. More and more people are looking to understand themselves by seeking out a trained professional who can help guide them in their thought processes. What do you think? As per this guy. You need to give us more info. How do you know him? Do you see him regularly? How are you connected to him? ps. We do hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz. Share on Facebook or other social networking sites. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks!

  11. he is my best friends brother. and my family has known his family for like ever. i see him when i go to my friends house, we’ve been talking everyday for about a week know, but he doesnt say much and i think he is talking to someone else..so how do i get him to talk to me and not her?

  12. @Emily…..You can’t make him do anything. He’s going to choose to talk to you or not. And the same with her. The best thing you can do is be yourself. If you pretend to be something you’re not it will just backfire. Hopefully he’ll see how great you are and start talking with you more. Be patient, and keep us posted. Question: Do you think this is a big issue for you? (Insecurity we mean) Have you thought about talking to someone? A professional? Just putting it out there. What do you think?

  13. so should i text him and try talking to him or not? i mean his sister is my best friend and i just spent the last two nights at his house, i dont ant to like annoy him and then make things awkward..

  14. @Emily….What about waiting a bit longer for him to take the initiative. If after a few weeks that doesn’t happen, then reach out to him. (It’s always best to wait for a guy to reach out that way you’ll have a better idea if he’s really into you or not.

  15. so my ex boyfriend is still with his current girlfriend but wierd things have been happening. all the sudden his cousins are talking to me again and asking me to hang out, and i catch him looking at me all the time even if his girlfriend is right beside him. and he doesnt sit, talk, or nothing to his girlfriend especially when im around. do you think something is going on or am i just over thinking things?

  16. @Emily…….It’s possible. But do you really want him back? He just seems like a player, or at least he’s playing you even if he does come back. We just don’t get the sense he’s that serious about you, or any girl for that matter. What do you think? ps. We still think you need to wait for him to take the initiative.

  17. i dont know what to think anymore then my snowball(our dance) date definitely said he doesnt want to go with me today. now i have no date! ever guy i try talking too gets ruined somehow!

  18. @Emily…..We’re sorry. Is your snowball date someone different? Maybe he thought you still weren’t over this other guy?

  19. Yes he is someone different. But every guy I’ve talked to since my ex will talk to me then they won’t they completely ignor me. It’s weird?!

  20. @Emily…….We know it’s frustrating but be patient. It sounds like you’re meeting the wrong guys.

  21. It just sucks having someone there for a year to having no one at all. I just wish I had someone here for me.

  22. @Emily……..We know, especially during this time of year. Hang in there. Let us know if you have any other questions/concerns. Take care.

  23. My ex texted me last night because a guy texted him about me. Does it mean he still cares or what?

  24. hey guys,
    im i a total state.

    My ex broke up with me a month ago and we’re still talking, even though he told me he developed feelings for someone super close to me.

    I tried having a brave face in front of him and geniunely getting over him, but I just can’t. He was my first love and I invested a lot of feelings in our relationship. I gave him everything.

    In the past month post-breakup we slept together three times, and even though i know its hurting me more i can’t let go. I’m not stupid either, i know he”s feeling aren’t going to reignite for me like that.

    Saturday i went out with him and this cloes friend. I invited them and wanted to show both of them I’m not fazed by their treachery. I couldn’t face them though, instead I did the worst thing ever and got stupid drunk. I remeber everyhting though and i ended up sleeping with him again.

    This is too destructive for me. He just told me he was disgusted by me getting that drunk and he feels as if he didnt know me at all. I am not that person, though. At that moment i couldn’t cope with the idea.

    I still have a lot of unresolved feelings towards him and it hurts like crazy trying to pretend all is fine. But I screwed up majorly. I just don’t know how to get him to see i’m not that person. I know the need to, is pathetic, but I care about what he thinks of me.

    I wake up everyday with this hole inside me and i don’t know how to feel better…

    I keep thinking how crap I must be next to my friend who he’s chasing after and constantly comparing myself to her.

    I know I’m a bad person for sleeping with him too, its a very bad move and I know I should be the bigger person, but its not that easy, I feel like just dying each day. How do I get better?

  25. @LIsa……First of all we’re sorry you feel so badly about everything. But we’re not sure what your question is. How do you get over him? Or how do you get him to see you’re not that drunk girl? Or what? Clarify a little and we’ll follow up. Hang in there.

  26. Hey guys, what i need help with is to be stronger. I cant just let him go since I see my friend every single day and it kinda gets rubbed into my face that i’m everything that she’s not.
    I want to be less caring about them and be a stronger person for me, because I genuinely feel that i dont deserve judgement from him after what he’s done to me. And he keeps telling me he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore but he likes her more and more each day.
    How am I supposed to move forward when both of them are still very present in everyday life? How do I go about getting better? They clearly couldn’t care less about sparing my feelings or considering me in this, so I need to get over this myself.But I dont know how?

  27. @Lisa……Well seeing that they haven’t considered your feelings at all, that should be fuel to help you move on. But if that doesn’t work you need to try and form some new circles to run in. Having their relationship in your face everyday is going to be hard, so see if you can hang out with some other people. Bottom line: It takes time to get over someone. It’s not going to be overnight. The key is to understand that you need to move on and that the relationship is truly over. Once you accept that the healing process will begin.

  28. Hello Guys!
    Need your help. I met this guy online a few days back.We did hit it off.He will be going to London soon for sometime to pursue his business commitments and it could take around 2 years.I did eventually told him that I would like to know him more and if he could stay in touch after he goes to abroad. To which he replied with a consent saying let’s see what the future holds. He also said he would love to know more about me too. What bothers me is that he dosent text me a lot which is why I get insecure.At the same time I restrain myself from texting him a lot too since I don’t want him to think I am too desperate.Do you think he not texting me is something I should worry about and how should I go about texting him? Your help is very much appreciated.Cheers!

  29. @Reese…….Well, it’s clear you really like this guy and see him as someone with potential. But how long have you known each other? A few days? Have you met in person at all yet? Fill us in a little more and we’ll get back to you. If you want this to be a private conversation, you might consider selecting the Ask a Private option on our site. (Of course there’s a fee, so no pressure.) Either way, we’ll get back to you.

  30. You guys,
    Firstly I would like to commend you for reverting at the speed of light.And now the tough part. Here it goes:
    It’s only been a couple of days since we got to know each other online.He did ask me to meet him quite early on.However I had to turn him down.I am kind of battling a health condition at the moment which requires me to go for a treatment abroad.I did make it clear that I would not be able to meet him citing my health scenario.He is more of the meeting types vis a vis texting.Anyhow he hasn’t quite asked me to meet post that but I am thinking he will before he leaves the country for his business.And while i am at it, I also wanted to ask you if it would be wise for me to tell him that I will be going for a treatment abroad or should I just keep it under the wraps for fear that I might lose him if I tell him so.
    At present I have found out that he is someone who texts first. And I don’t want to push him for it either.So I text him only once a day and we have quite a healthy conversation even if it’s for just 30mins or so.
    Hence in addition to the first question I asked above,I would like to ask you ‘life savers’if I should continue to refrain myself from texting him a lot and not pushing him to text me either or should I take the plunge and let him know that i’d like for him to contact me more frequently.
    Please advise me accordingly so that I dont mess up.Cheers!

  31. P.S-A BIG CORRECTION
    ‘at present I have found out that he is someone ‘WHO DOES NOT TEXT FIRST’.
    Apologies for missing out the vital word there.

  32. @Reese…….Okay this helps. First off, no, we don’t think you should reveal your condition right away. Since we don’t know what it is, it’s hard for us to advise, but in general, more serious matters, including health conditions, kids perhaps, certain beliefs, should be held in check until a deeper connection is made, as long as it doesn’t hurt the other person, like an STD might. You get the point right? Keep in mind that although you are getting to know one another, you haven’t actually met up in person which could change things one way or another. As per his lack of texting first. Hmm….ideally, he’d be taking more initiative. That would certainly show his interest. Of course that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not interested if he’s not texting you. We’d say DO NOT up the frequency of your texting. And we’d even go so far as to say, maybe try NOT texting him for a few days and see what he does. From what you’re describing, you’re the one pushing things forward. If he doesn’t start taking more initiative soon, we’d say you might want to rethink this. We hope it works out for you! ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks. And let us know if you have other questions.

  33. I think you guys make total sense.For all I know I might not even end up liking him after meeting in person.Thats a valid point there.May be I just like the way he texts lol.Does sound too good to be true at times. Anyways thanks guys 🙂

  34. Although there was one more tiny bit I wanted to ask ya.He is going abroad for like 2 years or so.If I do a reality check, do you think this can possibly work out?? I mean with all the long distance baggage,many a times I don’t quite get the right feel about it.So could you untangle that one for me please?

  35. @Reese…….Long distance relationships can work but both people have to be completely committed to making them work. Meaning, by the time he left the two of you would be a solid couple. Of course, there’s another option. Just stay in touch with him somewhat casually and then see what happens after two years. Maybe the timing isn’t quite right at the moment, but might be then? This could go a lot of different ways. Where you’re at right now it’s hard to predict since you barely know him. Our advice: One step at a time. See if you like him when you meet him. Then see if you like him, the next time you meet him. And so on. And, don’t forget: Have fun and be safe!!

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