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Long Distance: I hardly know him, but I’m willing to give it a go

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Hi Guys,

About five months ago I met a guy and we ended our night together. It was supposed to be a one night stand because we live in different countries and he was in my town only for one night. But before he left he asked for my e-mail.

We started writing e-mails which got longer every time. For example he sent me a letter one week; I replied to him the next week and he replied the week after and so on.

I tried to keep my feet on the ground and stay realistic because I thought we wouldn’t see each other, but then he said he would love to meet me again.

Finally, two months later he said that he might come to my town for a day or two. At the same time I kind of won a free ticket to his town. So I went there instead.

While I was there, he was so caring and sweet with me. When we were walking around in the city, he held my hand, hugged me in the metro, kissed while we were waiting for the traffic lights to turn green etc. Of course we had sex, too. All this time I felt how much he cared about me.

I stayed there for three days. Some hours before my departure I started to cry several times. I know, so silly of me, but I couldn’t do anything about it. He understood why I was crying and handled the situation well. I said “I’m sorry” and he said there’s no need for me to apologize for that.

When I was back in my town, I sent him an e-mail and said that I enjoyed the weekend a lot and he said he enjoyed it a lot too. After that I didn’t hear from him for a week. Meanwhile I moved to another country because of foreign studies.

I was so surprised that he didn’t wish me a nice trip or even ask how I was doing. And I wrote him an e-mail and said that everything was so nice while I was in his town and I asked him why he hardly contacts me. I wondered out loud if I got the wrong impression from him. He replied immediately and said that I didn’t get the wrong impression and that he likes me a lot, but he’s been very busy at school.

We still send e-mails to each other but he doesn’t say sweet things to me anymore. He’s just friendly and nice, but that’s all.

I don’t want to ask him what he thinks about me and the situation because right now there’s not much potential for a relationship. First off, it would definitely be a long-distance relationship. Second of all, we have only seen each other twice. (The first evening and then our weekend). And third, at the moment we haven’t seen each other for two months and won’t be able to meet again before three months. And I don’t know if he still wants to meet me then.

I know that you know only my version of this story—I tried to put in as little emotions as possible in order to give a good overview of the situation–but I want to meet him again. I would expect him to come to visit me this time, but if he asked me to go and visit him, I would also go.

But I can’t invite myself to his place. Besides I think that if a man really likes a woman, then he should do everything possible to see her. What should I do? Wait for him to visit me or ask me to visit him? Or bring up the subject myself?

I understand perfectly that it wouldn’t be normal to have a relationship, especially a long-distance relationship when we hardly know each other. But I would be ready to give it a try.

I also know that you can’t answer this question, but what do you think, does he want to be just friends with me or something more?

Thanks!

Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,

Thanks for your question.

We understand what you’re asking, but it’s hard to know exactly what this guy is thinking. But we can talk about your situation in the context of long distance relationships in general.

A long distance relationship requires even more effort and more communication than a typical relationship where two people live in the same town or city. Both people need to be 100% on board or they just don’t work.

Your guy seems genuine enough. From what you describe he’s been pretty sweet to you overall. But it also sounds like he’s busy, and either can’t think about much else besides school, or doesn’t want to get involved in a relationship that he doesn’t see as having a future. A long distance relationship is supposed to be a atemporary arrangement as the two people work toward being together in the same location at some point down the road—sooner rather than later. If both parties don’t have that goal in mind then eventually the relationship will fizzle out.

For some guys, a long distance relationship is the perfect situation, especially if they can work it so they don’t have to communicate that often. For these guys a long distance relationship means getting to do what they want most of the time, and then having a woman visit for a “booty call.”

You say you don’t want to say anything to this guy, but you’re probably going to have to at some point if you want answers. We agree that if you tell him how you feel it could end the relationship. But by the same token, is that worse or better than being in the situation you’re in right now? Your gut is telling you something has changed. You’re worried that he really only sees you as a friend now. So instead of fretting about this, and living in a cloud of uncertainty, why don’t you just talk to him?

We agree that he should be the one taking the initiative. He should be the one suggesting visits and coming to see you. Sure, he might be open to having you come to see him, but that doesn’t mean he wants to be in a serious relationship with you. You need to find out from him what he wants. You need to hear him say whether or not he wants to give this a go.

We feel the same way you do about relationships. It’s hard to find someone special. And since you feel like you have, we understand why you want to explore it further. We wish you the best of luck. Please keep us posted.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. 

 

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18 Comments on Long Distance: I hardly know him, but I’m willing to give it a go

  1. Thank you for answering!

    We communicate once a week in general. While I was waiting for your answer, he sent me a surprise e-mail. He just wrote about his weekend, I hadn’t answered his previous letter yet. So I wrote back and less than two days later he sent a new e-mail. Now we wrote once a week again, but it was good to see his interest.

    We talked briefly about visiting each other, too. He was positive about it, but nothing else. I feel that I can’t talk about relationship with him when there’s actually no chance to see each other often enough. I suppose he would say something like “let’s take things slowly”. Which we already do. I just know that if there wasn’t the distance, there wouldn’t be a problem. We are both so young (in our twenties). I think starting a long distance relationship might end this thing even sooner. At the same time current situation makes me unconfident.

    I’ll let you know how it works out. Hope it does somehow.

  2. Hmm… where do I begin?
    I’ve had a crush on one of my closest friends. It’s a crush that has been going back and forth, because her guy friends always “flirt” with her (hug from behind, tease, slaps her butt…) so everytime i saw that it made my crush just fade away. BUT it never disappeared… Even though all those guys got a girlfriend later on, they still teased a little. Oh, and btw, she had a boyfriend…

    So a year and something went by. Her boyfriend went abroad to study, and I found out that they broke up because he cheated on her.

    In the last few months we’ve been sending msgs back and forth and I realized that our conversation were always very intimate. So… One day I asked her to hangout with me and I asked if she liked me. She said “yes” and I also did, and still do.

    But here’s my problem. In just a month and some weeks, I’m going abroad to study for 3 years or even more, in a different continent. I’m only coming back next year but it’s only for 2 weeks and then i going back.

    So some months ago I said that we shouldn’t text each other and maybe should’t be very close.

    Apparently it’s was not that easy. The next day, I already missed her somehow, even though we see each other everyday at school.

    I asked her to have dinner with me to celebrate my birthday, but she didn’t give me a clear answer. So I chose to cancel it since a week passed and she didn’t say anything. I said that my idea was a mistake and that i missed her very much, and asked her if she wanted to “get together” (we never got together because she already knew i was going abroad, so we never did anything serious), she answered to not think too much and just go with the flow, and one day she would find a day for us to talk about it. She never said anything.

    This last few days, every time i see her I feel happy and realize how much I miss her. I guess i’m in love… Heart’s beat fast, i get hot and happy.

    Also, it still bothers me that every guys “flirts” with her. Her best guy friend also likes her, even though she said she doesn’t feel the same for him, he still “flirts”. And, during the time i mentioned that i had a crush on her, they would always be together, go alone to some room, even though she had a boyfriend.
    I just can’t handle this memories of her past. I’ve read other posts that, the past is irrelevant and she is “with me” now, but it makes me sad just to think about…

    So do you guys think it’s worth it to just have a month together? Or should we just let it be?

  3. I know my case is really peculiar…but here it goes. I met a guy around 3 months ago through a dating site. He lives in another state and we started off as friends until we realized we were very compatible and a romantic situation began between us. Everything was perfect. We could talk on the phone at least twice a day and video chatted; he would send me sweet texts telling me how much he was missing me/thinking of me, and every time we spoke on the phone or saw each other through video chat, we had a great time. We laughed together and could tell each other anything. And I know I’m maybe thinking crazy here, but I truly thought I’ve found a guy who could be my potential bf and even husband, as we both felt strongly about each other and he even spoke in future tense when referring to us. Unfortunately, after those super romantic days, suddenly he got busier at work and we weren’t really talking that much anymore. I was feeling as if things were getting kinda cold between us but he said he had just been crazy busy at work (he works long night hours and sleep during the day).
    I made a mistake and did something that hurt his feelings (he had been engaged a couple years ago and his fiancé cheated on him, so he asked me “not to hurt him” when he talked to me about his feelings). I tried to patch things out with him, apologized and although he was still upset with me, he said he still had feelings for me but that he didn’t trust me and needed to think things over. I did everything I could to reassure him I would never hurt him again. I am very expressive and always pour my heart out, so he knows exactly how I feel about him and that I do want him in my life, if not romantically, at least as friends. I made a decision: I wanted to finally meet him in person. He agreed to it and he even said he hoped and thought that once he saw me, his anger or whatever, would just go away and everything seemed to be normal until he suddenly stopped communicating completely. I texted him and no response. I waited like 3 days for a response and nothing. I decided then to send him a goodbye email. At this point, I’m so lost and hurt. I don’t know if anything happened to him, if he just met someone else or if he simply decided to move on and didn’t think was important to let me know. I know you guys (men) process feelings/emotions differently, but I’d like to know why is that sometimes we (women) are left behind with so many unanswered questions when it’s so easy to at least shoot an email and tell us goodbye. Does this guy seem like he simply moved on? Is he “processing”? We were close and a couple days before he “vanished” we had been video chatting as usual. I’m confused about his behavior and as guys, I’m sure you can guide me on how to understand better my friend’s behavior. Thanks for your time and advice.

  4. @Patty….quick question. Did you finally meet him or did he vanish before you met him? (Please fill us in so we can answer your other questions.)

  5. He vanished before we met. When we were in good terms (before the problem happened), we had already discussed meeting. He actually was going to come to meet me this month. After the argument, when I told him we should still meet, I suggested for him to come here and be my date for a wedding I’m attending in June (when we were still “happy”, I had mentioned the wedding and he was thrilled to be my date). This time when I mentioned the wedding, he said he didn’t want our first meeting to be at a wedding. He said he wanted our first meeting to be just he and I alone and that’s why he asked for me to come to him. Sorry to give you such a long answer, but I think it’ll help you to understand the situation better. Why would he agree to meet and then just vanish suddenly? That’s what’s driving me crazy here. Today is a full week since the last time I heard from him.

  6. @Patty……..So what was your mistake? Did you date or sleep with another guy? Because if so, his vanishing makes sense. He initially was smitten by you, and very excited about the possibility of being with you. It’s possible he even had long term plans floating through his mind. But if the trust was broken BEFORE the relationship even got off the ground, he probably realized he couldn’t handle it. Meaning, the closer it got to actually becoming a reality—the two of you meeting—he decided he just couldn’t do it. And instead of trying to work through it he threw in the towel. It’s one thing to work on a relationship that’s six months or a year old, it’s another to have to work on something that hasn’t even started. He probably thought it was going to be too much effort and maybe realized he would never be able to trust you. (At least that’s what he was feeling.) So, if this isn’t what happened, let us know what did. You might be interested in reading some of our women guest writers on the “Relationship Memoirs” page. Let us know your thoughts.

  7. Ok, here’s what happened: when our “relationship” got kinda cold (we weren’t talking as much – not because I didn’t want to but because he was very busy), I talked to someone else (a girl – I’m bi and he knows that about me). This person contacted me through the online dating site I had my profile at. I told him the truth because I don’t like lying. I need to clarify: I wasn’t talking to that girl to date her or be with her in a relationship. It was merely to have fun. When I told him about it, he was very upset and he said goodbye to me. I reached out to him and explained to him that I understand his reasons to feel hurt and upset; however, although we were talking, I was not his gf and I had not even met him. I wasn’t sure where our relationship was going. This doesn’t justify my behavior though. I was stupid and lost someone worthy (him) for something that it didn’t even happen (her). I knew he’s the traditional type and he had said to me before that he’s territorial and “doesn’t share his girl”. The rest is history. That’s why he said to me that although he had feelings for me, he was hurt and didn’t trust me. I think what you said it’s so true: I messed it all up. I’ve left him alone. I sent him an email yesterday expressing my feelings and asking for a second chance. After all, I think we all deserve a second chance if what we didn’t wasn’t so severe. I was honest. I didn’t go behind his back. Now I only hope he can forgive me and hopefully I’ll hear from him someday. Thanks for your input and I’d like to hear what you think it’s best for me to do. Should I still wait for him? Move on? For some reason, I feel in my heart that I shouldn’t forget about him; that I have to wait for him. Just my gut. Don’t know why or how to explain it.

  8. @Patty………This helps us understand. Hmm……Well, we have lots of thoughts on this. First of all, what you did was hardly an indiscretion. So, let us retract what we said before and say, you shouldn’t feel badly about it. You’re right. You weren’t his girlfriend at the time, and you didn’t know if anything would come of your conversations. So your conscience should be clear. However, the reason he doesn’t see it that way is because he probably already thought the two of you were “together” since he’s a traditional type of guy. And that brings us to our main thought. Really what’s going on is we think he can’t handle the non-traditional aspect of you. If he’s a territorial guy, and you’re bi, now he has to worry about guys and girls. (At least in his mind) And since these types of guys can also be jealous types of guys, he probably was already feeling a bit overwhelmed by the fact that you’re bi. (If you told him. And if you didn’t, now overwhelmed and blindsided with the new info.) So it’s possible this was an easy out for him. You immediately confirmed his biggest fears: That non-traditional people are not to be trusted. Which brings us to our last point. If he’s having a fit over this, even though you were honest with him, it’s likely he’s going to react strongly to all sorts of issues that come up throughout the course of life. His reaction is just one manifestation of his personality type. Maybe we’re wrong. We hope we are. But we’re wondering if the two of you are truly compatible beyond some great phone conversations, email, etc.? Some things to think about. If you feel like you are, then by all means give him some time to think about what he wants. And then reach out to him again in a few weeks. But already it feels like you’re compromising for something that wasn’t even that bad. And this automatically gives him more power. And frankly, relationships should have a balance of power, otherwise both parties end up being miserable. Final note: It’s good to be honest, but next time, you don’t have to be that honest because you didn’t really do anything. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  9. Thank you very much for your response. I did tell him since the very beginning about me being bi. I need to clarify though that I’m not a full bisexual person; meaning, I don’t date women, hit on women or go after women when I go out and I told him so. I also told him I don’t want to be in a relationship with a woman. My thing for girls is merely fantasy. I’ve only been with one girl for crying out loud so I’m not hard-core. I assured him that I want a relationship with a man. And I also said I was willing to leave that behind (the girl thing) as a proof I only want to be with him. He still thinks I betrayed him…so there’s nothing else I can do but to wait and see. I emailed him yesterday. I left a door open for him to know he can come back to me. I laid my feelings out to him. He didn’t respond. Ultimately, I believe everything happens for a reason. If he doesn’t come back to me, I’ll accept he’s moved on and I’ll move on as well. And yes, although he’s not as open minded as I am, we actually have lots of things in common. I’m a little wild, but have some traditional thoughts as well and he knows it. But I can’t control his feelings. I don’t think I should insist no more after my last email. I’ve reached out to him and he know where I stand at. If a man wants to be with me, then he’ll be, you know? If he can’t forgive or let go of something minor like this (major for him), then I guess he doesn’t accept me for who I am and therefore we aren’t meant to be. Thank you again for your advice.

  10. My situation is most likely the original post here. However, i would like to share my story and please advise me.

    I met this amazing guy while travelling. He is American Iranian, and I am Egyptian. It clicked soo fast and there was this chemistry between us that i felt towards him after only hours of talking. He walked me to the hotel where i was staying and agreed to meet the following day.

    He sent me short mail to confirm and we met and His Cousin was with us too. There was this chemistry and energy that i can feel between us without even touching or looking at each other,, just sitting beside each other. And when we actually touched legs or arms ,, we can feel the chemistry. He was leaving the city that night when we realized we can meet again in another city after 3 days. He said he was gonna arrive at night and leave to his country the following afternoon and there wont be time. I told him,, just think about it. He said he will send me email.

    He was sitting beside me and smiling and looking into my eyes telling me it feels go, and he is happy. He walked me to the hotel and as it was cold, me with a jacket, him without, i armed him and he liked it. Then as we were gonna part, i kissed him good bye no the cheek but he asked for a hug. We hugged twice wonderfully. He was about to kiss me, but i told him, i never got so close to someone that quickly, may be later.

    On that day he asked me how long i have been working,, i knew he wanted to know my age. For the first time in my life i didnt want to say my age. so he told me if you dont wanna answer, it is ok. Although i look 25 but i am 34, and i knew he is younger than me. I added him on facebook and he knew my age, and i knew he’s 29. He still contacted me via mail to meet again before he leaves to his country in that other city. I was soo happy but i didnt reply to his mail, i just went to where he was staying at the time. He was surprised and happy to see me,, as he thought i was not going as i didnt answer his mail and he was wondering, may be i didnt like his photos on facebook as he has some old pic , being naughty and funny and faces. He said these were old and he should delete them. I dont care actually,, i told him they are funny ,, may be some u should delete, and i was teasing him.

    Anyways, we walked around the city at night and we kissed. We kept walking around and had a romantic evening. He commented about alot of things in me, my cloths, accessories, nail polish,, soft hands,, cute face. We gave each other a massage. he liked it so much, and slept on my shoulder. I asked him if he considers himself romantic,he said not much, although i see he is. He asked me and i told him, since school time, my friends used to tell me i am living in a fancy world, but by time i am starting to be realistic, he said he will try to be more romantic for me. He used to look at me and smile happily and other times i feel he is thinking.

    I was planning to spend the whole nigh with him awake till the next morning, to take every moment and accompany him to the airport the following morning, but he was too tired arriving from a different city that night. My hotel was so far, so he suggested to stay at the dorm with him. This what i wanted actually. I paid for the night and each was to sleep in a different bed. Already there are others sleeping in the room in separate beds, but that particular room, had a king size bed, we slept beside each other, in our cloths. Nothing happened really, although i felt how hot he was, but he was polite. Didnt try to be naught. i only slept in his hug and cuddled and it was so romantic. Only at the end, he made me touch him.
    Although i am 34,but from where i come, its not easy to spend nights with guys. But Actually I am kind of don’t do that except I am really so attached to the person, and usually it is not often that I like a lot of guys. And it takes time. I told him a secret that it is first time for me to spend the night with someone, may be part of the night, but not the whole night. I told him if he hadnt sent me the mail, i would have waited for him at the airport, as it is not easy to find such chemistry with someone, especially the i felt he is feeling the same way. He confirmed that it is not normal to get so close so quickly. He kept thinking and told me “but I dont want to hurt you, dont put high expectations”. I couldnt utter, although i know myself.
    I accompanied him to the airport. He didnt want to in the beginning as it is far. I felt he doesnt want this airport goodbyes, but i insisted. He told me he will miss me too , and we will meet again one day, as we talked that i have relative living in his same city in the states. I told him i can go all this long way if it is worth it. He said he will send me mail when he arrives. When i asked him about communication, he said the very following day he will start his new job and he might get an iphone. I was happy that we can communicate easier by messaging. But we didnt exchange numbers.
    He didnt send me mail untill after 3 days when i arrived to my country already. He told me about his long trip back and his new job. I replied to him and told him what i did after he left, and told him the company will prove to be good when they give him the iphone so we communicate easier. And I told him I knew why I was staring at him while we were together, so I remember all his features in my mind.
    However, its been a week he didn’t reply. He even didn’t get on facebook. I am really getting crazy missing him and worried that it is over from his side. “I know he told me not to have high hopes, but I am blaming myself, that I should have told him to give ourselves a go, and try to keep the connection and meet again after few months. But I stayed silent thinking better each go to our home country and see how we will feel.” Although I know myself that I like him so much and its so special to me and not easy to find , but still wanted to be sure. But seems its me who is feeling this alone.
    Now I want so badly to send him another mail. To tell him that “above “. Or what do u think I should say. So, should I wait little more,, and for how long. Is it the Age, the Distance or the culture that is keeping him away? Although we have a lot of common cultures. Do you think he was really into me, or just a night out and he forgot it already? Was he put off when I told him I am not used to that?? Please advise urgently.
    Sorry for the long Text

  11. @Mais…..We understand that you really want some answers. We hope we can at least give you some insight. It sounds like you had a pretty special evening together. Or evenings. Traveling to new places can sometimes lead to this sort of romantic encounter. People are away from their daily lives, and sometimes more open to meeting new and different kinds of people. Cherish that memory. However, guys are literal. And he said more than once that he’s not really romantic, and that you shouldn’t have high expectations, etc. You’ve got to listen to what he’s saying. We can’t say why he feels this way—different culture, age, distance, something else—but he did make a point to say it a few times. The other thing that’s telling is you seem to be the one initiating contact and pushing this relationship forward. He’s basically reacting to you. Typically it’s the man who initiates. And if he was truly interested in giving this a go, he’d be the one reaching out to you. The ball is in his court now Mais. If you want to reach out to him one more time just to say hi, that’s fine. But after that it’s got to come from him. Otherwise, you’ll really never know how he feels. That said, we do think he felt something for you, but it’s hard to say how intense that feeling was. A lot of people don’t even want to get involved in a long distance relationship because it requires too much work. But we can assure you that you’ve done nothing wrong so far and haven’t blown it. This is more about him, and it’s hard to read his mind. Keep us posted as this progresses and feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. ps. Please share our site with friends. Or on Facebook, Twitter. Thanks. We appreciate it.

  12. Thank you really for answering me. Ya, you are right. It is his turn to contract me. In this last mail last week, he apologized for not writing earlier and things were very busy with his new job. Yes i initiated alot of things, but he is the one always says he will send me email. Ya, its me wanting to stay in contact more. I feel he will write back,, but i wanted to get it out with someone. I am just asking,, how long should i wait and send him another mail saying hi and how his new job going. I dont want to send now, as to give him some time,, but what is the suitable time so not to lose the connection much.

  13. @Mais……Maybe a week. Hard to say exactly but that’s certainly safe. One thing to keep in mind: If you find yourself doing most of the work here, this is just going to get more and more frustrating. And when you have to think this hard about every step you take, you might need to take a hard look at what’s really going on. Is it worth all the emotional energy you’re investing? Of course, we think you should keep in touch, because nothing ventured nothing gained, but please try to lower your expectations until something really develops. We know that’s difficult, but otherwise you’re going to find yourself stuck, and you may even miss out on other opportunities that arise with other gentlemen. Your thoughts?

  14. Ya, thank u for ur concern. I actualy seeing other guys here around me, and trying to be more busy. Still I am sure me and him will meet again one day, even if to go visit my relative in the states that always wanted me to go and visit her. I will try to take it slow and won’t tell him a thing of what I feel. Just if he doesn’t answer in a week I will send him asking abt him and asking him to stay in contact. Its his call and if not he is the one loosing actually 🙂 Thank you and I will keep u posted

  15. @Mais…Sounds like a good plan. Keep us posted and take care of yourself. Have fun! ps.Actually, you might be interested in checking out our relaunch. We’ll be asking our audience to weigh in on questions using a multiple choice format. Maybe you’ll come back and bring your posse? Should be up in a few days. Keep checking.

  16. ok..i met this guy when i was in a different skul..he liked me and we clicked..i liked him a lot but i tot he didnt like me to that extent so i dated another person when he found out..he was upset..and he told my friend numerous times that he loves me..even after finidng out that i was dating another person, he said he would wait..i ended the relationship with the other person and i left the school..bt before i left we kissed, twice..and it was awesome..we lost touch for like 3 months then we started talking again..we live very far away from each other so he planned to travel all the way just to see me..but it didnt work out..we talk alot and i really like him now..we are not dating cuz of the distance probelm altho my new school is close to where he lives so we myt see each other evry 2months or so..he still tells my friend he loves me very much and he has told me before that he loves me..but i didnt say i loved him too because i wasnt sure about it..i dont know him that much so most attyms i dont know what to discuss with him..i spoke to him about his drinking issue and for over a day now..he hasnt said anything to me..i am very worried..am i loosing my touch?..just when im startn to like him..plz what do i do?

  17. How’s the situation end up Elizabeth? I’m currently experiencing same situation. I badly needed advise from you. Did you able to work it out? What happen?

  18. @Dalia……We answered Elisabeth two years ago, so she probably won’t be able to answer you at this time. However, feel free to ask your question if it’s relatively short.

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