Long distance “friends” or something more?

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Dear Guys,

So I have been friends with this guy for eleven years; we actually went out on one date right before he told me he was moving to the US for work. He also told me he would be back in a year or two. Eleven years later, he is still there.

Well after he left we chatted over email for a bit. But then as time went on I met my now ex (after 8 years) and he was dating other girls and we both lived our lives.

We have always stayed in contact, making plans to get together when he visited home. He would also ask me to come visit. But we actually never, ever met up at all over the eleven years. That is until this Xmas. He and I finally met up for the first time we were both single.

We get along really well, and find each other very attractive. And we slept together for the first time during his visit. As he put it, “It took eleven years for things to align.”

Now that he is back in the US I think about him constantly; it’s a problem 🙂 Since I’ve had a crush on him for eleven years and now I finally got a taste of what it would be like, he’s all I want. We still chat via text/email and sometimes dirty texts are exchanged. But I’m too shy to actually make a move and go see him in case he thinks we are just friends. And I’m too shy to go out on a limb and ask him to be with me. No one wants to be rejected.

How do you take a friendship to the next level when they are so far away?

And is it okay to be the one to make a move? Should that be the guy’s job??



Dear Sandra,

Thanks for your question.

Ideally it would be the guy’s “job” to take the initiative and move your relationship to the next level. But he’s not doing that, at least not yet. But the two of you are communicating a lot right? So it seems that he’s willing to put some time into keeping the lines open, so that’s a positive.

The question we have for you is, didn’t you already sleep with him? And if so, that definitely catapults you from just friends to something else. What that “something else” is, is not clear, but it’s definitely not just friends or “Friends with Benefits.”

“Friends with Benefits” is an arrangement of convenience. It’s an arrangement that’s easy, with no strings attached. Your situation is anything but convenient, and it’s anything but easy. And a mutual crush for eleven years or longer is not something you should underestimate. That’s a long time to be thinking of someone. Sure some of those feelings may fall into the fantasy realm, but it’s way too soon to think he doesn’t want to explore any further.

Another reason he might be dragging his feet is because you live in two different countries. It would be a huge deal for you to move, or for him to move. But the fact is, in order for you to really know whether you have something special the two of you need to spend much more time together. So maybe it’s time for you to take a deep breath, put aside your shyness, and just go for it.

The only way to take this relationship to the next level is by talking about what you really want, or what you potentially might really want. We think it’s okay to tell him all of this because you’ve known him for so long and have had this mutual attraction for so long. It’s not like you just met in a bar one weekend and then he moved to a different country. The two of you have some sort of history together which gives your situation more potential.

Why don’t you “slow play” this for another month or so, and then in late March/early April, if he hasn’t suggested a visit, or talked about the relationship, bring it up yourself. Yes, Sandra, being rejected frankly stinks. But we still think it’s better to have some sort of information rather than wonder what’s going on. And it is possible that he’ll be relieved that you brought it up because he could be as nervous and scared as you, and fear being rejected as well.

Good luck,


ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks! 

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31 Comments on Long distance “friends” or something more?

  1. @Polka Dot….The ball’s in his court. No other way to say it. The situation won’t fail because you didn’t contact him. It will fail because he lets it fail. We’d suggest letting him initiate from now on, and then moving on to other possibilities. (Meaning, be open to dating others and seeing how things develop with someone else.) If this thing is meant to be it will just happen naturally. Remember, you’re busy and you don’t need another project. Honestly, he seems like he might be just that: a project. What do you think? Feel free to ask us as many follow up questions as you’d like. And keep us posted as this progresses. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  2. One other question, and this is just me being self-conscious. Do you think since he gave me his business card he was interested, or do you think this is something he does often because of the type of business he’s in? This business card thing has never happened to me before, so I don’t know what to think. I’m definitely going to follow your advice regarding sending a follow up e-mail. That makes a great deal of sense. I will certainly pass along your info to my friends.

  3. @Sara……Passing you his card was more than just business. (He wouldn’t have given you his card unless he was somewhat interested, but the level of interest is to be determined.) We still stand by our advice. Good luck and keep us posted.

  4. Hi guys!
    My issue is not unlike this one, but not all together the same either.
    Here’s the scoop:
    I recently went out with a guy I dated 11 years ago, when I was 19 and he was 20. He was an “Unofficial” summer boyfriend, and although he just told me he considered me his summer girlfriend then, we just never really expressed these things at the time. We are from different areas of the same state. I liked him a lot, but he went back to college in another state and we never had the opportunity to catch up besides a few chats on facebook or social messaging infrequently over the years until last month.
    We met up again last month and lets just say the sparks flew and by the end of the weekend we both agreed we were pretty smitten. I am completely enamored but even as I write this it is just now barely a month since we hooked back up. We’ve been having a great time together when we do hang out, which has been 3-4 times since then.
    Now, here’s where things get dicey: I live across the state @ the beach, about 1 1/2 hours from him. He stayed at the beach that first weekend and I’ve been up to see him a couple times since then, but he’s not interested in an exclusive long-distance relationship right now, and I can’t say I think thats the greatest idea either.
    Well, between some developments in my life, among those, the realization that I just can’t afford grad school (formerly my plan for next year) I’ve decided maybe I should move to the same metropolitan area where he lives and I will have more opportunity to use my current skill set. I can’t afford the move until next year though. How do I keep him interested that long?
    Also, my birthday is in a couple weeks and he already said something about me spending my birthday with him, which I would love to do. However, he’s not been as attentive to our texts as he was a few weeks ago. Granted, he just got a new job and has his own plan for grad school that he is currently trying to make happen right now. He even let me edit his resume, so I guess I shouldn’t think his world revolves around my birthday… but I do want him to remember it and I would rather spend that day with him than anyone else in the world.
    Anyway, I guess the gist of this whole message is to ask how to keep him interested in me for a whole year until I can move closer. It would be nice if he seemed interested in traveling to visit me again as well. Also, should I just call him and tell him I want to spend my birthday with him, bottom line? I really enjoy every minute of time I get to spend with this man, who I didn’t even see for the whole of my 20s.
    I can see myself spending the rest of my life with this man. I guess I just need to know how to close the deal, and not be weird.

  5. @Miss Mac…..Well one of the most important ways to keep someone interested in a long distance relationship is to remove the distance. We’re not suggesting you move right now because that might freak him out, but one simple way is by trying to see him as much as possible. Now of course, ideally the two of you would take turns visiting each other. And frankly, he should be wanting to do this as much as you. Because the bottom line is: If he’s not just as smitten as you now, that’s not really going to change when you’re in the same city. Because as the old saying goes, ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder.’ And if he’s already not sure, then you moving, is only going to make him feel more smothered. So what should you do? Unfortunately you can’t make anyway feel some way they’re not feeling, but you can keep present in his life, which hopefully will remind him how much he digs you. But you’re also going to have to take your cues from him. Don’t make it so easy on him. He should be initiating at least half of your communication, don’t you think? By not wanting an exclusive long distance relationship he’s already saying he wants his space. Do you know if he’s dating other girls? Honestly Miss Mac, we don’t like that he wants to be free to have his cake and eat it too. And we think that if you really looked into your heart you’d want this to be exclusive, even though you said you didn’t think a long distance relationship was what you wanted. Be honest with yourself, and then go for it. If you have to play games to make this work, then it’s doomed to fail. So be yourself, and if that’s not good enough, well there are other guys that will jump at that opportunity.What are your thoughts? Ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. And keep us posted as this progresses. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks. We appreciate it.

  6. Update: I didn’t respond. After nearly 2 weeks of nothing from him, I got an “I miss you” text message when I was asleep. No explanation. No “Sorry I’ve been busy.” Just that. I didn’t say that I missed him back because I was pissed, but I didn’t confront him either. I just asked how everything was. We had a really awkward conversation, super chit chatty. It seemed like he didn’t want to talk to me, almost like “do I really have to answer these text messages” even though he initiated it. So dumb. I think it went “I miss you” “How are you” “Life is the same.” In an effort to make the best case for myself going forward (aka if/when we ever talked about this), I asked one more question (“Been anywhere interesting lately”) to which he responded No, but that he “keeps thinking he’ll get to [my city] soon. It will happen.” I ended the conversation by saying something witty that didn’t require a response to what he’d said responded. It was done. So I thought… Two hours later he texted me something stupid (“Getting lots of gym time in?”). We both go to the gym quite a bit, so it would normally be a fair question, but he was clearly making up a reason to continue the conversation that, by all signs, he didn’t want to be in. I didn’t respond because it wasn’t worth my time to think of something to say. 6 hours later, when it was a little after midnight my time (he’s several hours behind me), I received this: “?” I responded with “Impatient much? :p I’ve been busy all day and I just got home from being out. No, I haven’t been to the gym because I’ve been too busy. What are you up to tonight?” He then said “I just an empty text from you, that’s all. No pressure. Headed out now myself.” Yeah. Freaking. Right. I didn’t send him jack squat and it was too early to go out where he is. I told him to have fun.

    I feel as though he’s all miffed that I didn’t say that I missed him back, that he got jealous that I went out and didn’t respond to his stupid question, and that he’s got to be full of it about the empty text. Please analyze. Any idea where to go from here? What is his deal?!

  7. @polka dot….Jeez, this just seems like so much work. The two of you aren’t on the same page for whatever reason. (We don’t know the reason.) But the way we feel is, if things require this much energy, and are this confusing, and need this much analyzing, it might be time to reevaluate. We’re happy to answer as many questions as you’d like, but we feel that you’re doing all the work here and he’s treating it like, “whatever.” Think about the duration of the relationship for a second. How much of it has been great, and how much of it has been confusing, awkward, and frustrating? Once the “bad” starts to outweigh the good, it might be time. Are we off here? What do you think? What’s your plan?

  8. Hey Guys,
    Thanks so much for the advice so far. It is really nice to have a third-party perspective (without having to pay a therapist!).
    So, I know in my heart-of-hearts that I would like to be exclusive with my re-ignited flame one day, but today isn’t it. We are both pretty active, social people. He’s been out on other dates and so have I in the last couple weeks. We’ve talked about it and when we did we were both happy about being able to be honest with each other. I think exclusivity would be WAY too much pressure right now and with our differing schedules (I am also a freelance writer/reporter and have 2 other jobs to pay the bills. He works for a bank from 10-7 Monday-Friday) we would spend more time traveling than actually seeing one another.
    So, he told me about one date he was going on, but we don’t really tell each other everything about our separate dating lives. I’ve been hanging out with an ex-boyfriend from the last summer but I nixed intimacy with him b/c I don’t want to sleep around, he’s just a friend now. I don’t really want to know if the flame is sleeping with somebody else right now because we are both pretty flirty and we aren’t exclusive so I could be sleeping around if I wanted to be. It’s just a personal choice I’ve made(I mean, god forbid I get pregnant and don’t know who baby daddy is!)
    Now, the flame went to a big concert recently and I’ve seen him tagged in pix with this chick who appears to have a crush on him. Apparently they hung out at more than the concert too, going out in the city and to a college football game too. Grr. He’s pretty nice to her, it seems, but he’s a nice guy. She’s not disgusting, but she’s kinda busted and not nearly as pretty (or awesome) as me and I’m starting to feel threatened.
    I sent him a text tonight congratulating him on his new job and he replied a few hours later and called me magic (long story, old nickname of his for me). He asked me about my new job too. Can’t say I’m the most prompt txt-replier for casual chats either (still haven’t replied, it’s been a couple hours now) so I’m not miffed about the delayed response. Unless it is something that needs to be handled ASAP there is no need to rush. Nobody likes to be rushed over dumb stuff, myself included.
    Now, back on to my birthday, which is in 2 weeks. He’d said something about me spending my birthday with him the last time I saw him, about 2 weeks ago. Before busted-girl started tagging him in pix on facebook. Nevertheless, I still would like to spend my birthday with him. We always have fun together and well, he won’t be done with work until 7 or so at night. I lived in the city where he lives now a few years ago, so I have other friends I would like to visit in the region on my birthday, although mostly I would like to see him.
    If he doesn’t bring it up first(can’t say he’s got the greatest memory) should I drop hints in advance? Or should I just tell him I’m planning to come upstate on my birthday so get ready…
    Also, we hadn’t seen eachother in 11 years, let alone had our picture together so I want some pix of us together on my birthday for my own collection… but also to post on Facebook and tag him in so new busted girl knows she isn’t the only game in town.
    Is this wrong? Am I being crazy?
    Thanks for your help!

  9. A little bit of everything. I didn’t communicate much of the good, but there has been a lot of good. We have a ton in common and I genuinely like him. I’m usually sort of indifferent, so that says something. I’m rather intelligent and guys usually have a pretty hard time keeping up with me. Most get intimidated easily because I’m also adorable, fairly accomplished, and a nice person as well as (usually) smarter than them. I could be with just about anyone I wanted… But this is who I want right now. (To be clear: I need someone to keep me grounded and humble, not just tell me how great I am all the time. How boring.) He’s a little intimidated by me at times, but nothing like what I’m used to. He challenges me and generally, he’s a great guy and he does a good job at balancing me out. He has some definite issues to work through though. It’s complicated. Widowed fiance… So like I said, I feel bad getting mad at him for some things. He hasn’t dated anyone seriously since that happened (5+ years) and when it gets awkward & confusing, it’s usually because he gets nervous about feeling something other than all dead and frozen inside. I get that. I don’t see it as like “I need to fix you,” more like “Get the f*ck over your sh*t so we can just be.” Even in the best case scenario, it won’t be anything serious until I get back. So I don’t know what his deal is, because I’m not really asking for much here.

    My plan: I got home earlier than normal last night and texted him to see if he was available to talk; I knew he was probably busy and would get back to me late. He texted me back once I was already asleep. I got back to him this morning, told him I was sleeping and said better luck next time. I would say that the ball is solidly in his court. Hopefully he knows it. I think he’s going to find a reason to come to my city in the next few weeks. Just a hunch, but he seems antsy. So I guess we will see then. Any thoughts about this or what I wrote before? Suggestions for what to do if/when he comes here? Confront nicely or not so nicely about his poor communication skills? I think in person is always better than over the phone, but you all are the experts!

  10. @Polka Dot….Thanks for filling us in. It helps put things in perspective. As per his visit. If he comes to see you then he’s definitely interested, and will be trying to gauge your interest. Don’t come out of the gates guns blazing. To use a cliche. How long will he stay for? And will he stay with you or at a hotel? (It might nice to have the option of a hotel.) Anyway, see if you can spend a day getting reconnected. (We’re not saying sex, but just being together in the same place face-to-face.) After that it’s time to sit down and have a talk. (Next day) If you want to open up to him and let him know you’re open to making things work that might alleviate some of the stress he’s feeling and help him open up. (Or not. Only if you’re comfortable doing that.) The thing is, one of you is going to have to let down your defenses to get an open and honest dialogue started. We just don’t get the sense it’s going to be him, especially since we agree that his communication skills are something he could use some work on. Does this plan seem solid? Are we missing something that we should know about? Last thought: If this visit doesn’t go well, and you don’t have any breakthroughs it may be time to move on. Thoughts?

  11. I am wondering what kind of relationship my guy friend wants from me now. Here’s our history:We initially met at work and have been coworkers for the past 2 years up until 2 months ago when I moved across the country for a new job. We always had a friendly, somewhat flirty relationship at work and hung out after work in a group setting on many occasions but never just the 2 of us. A year ago, a small group of friends (me & him included) went on vacation together. We got drunk and ended up fooling around one night and even though I enjoyed it, I stopped it before we went too far because I knew that I would regret having sex with him (because i am not a casual sex type person, and maybe because I liked him more than i wanted to admit at the time?)The next day, he said he was so drunk and didn’t remember anything so we never talked about it. I wasn’t sure at the time if he was lying or what but like I said, we never talked about it but surprisingly, I felt much closer and more at ease with him after that happened. There was no awkwardness. For me, the vacation made him go from friend to “close friend” who I would invite out more often or feel like I could text funny shit to for no reason. I did start to realize that I found him very attractive and always looked forward to seeing him at work after that but I guess I was too scared to admit that I had a crush on him. Nothing else ever happened between us despite several more occasions that we hung out after work in groups and alone. I never wanted anything serious and I always got the feeling that he didn’t either (from anyone. plus he is younger than me). I like his personality and he has been a good friend-(he invited me to spend Xmas with his family last year when I was complaining about not being able to see mine-which made me question whether he wanted more or not)NOW I am confused on where we stand because like I said, I moved across the country for a new job. He has sent me a few texts saying he missed me but one in particular that made me angry because he referenced our vacation saying that what we did was “fun”. I guess it made me angry because for the past year, he pretended to not remember and now I am confused as to what he wants from me. Does he want to be FWB or more than that? I find myself thinking about him constantly and obsessing about what could have been when we both lived in the same city. I am wondering if he always wanted more but maybe I just never got the hint? I know he told a mutual friend a long time ago that he was attracted to me, but “we work together”. Where should I go from here?

  12. @Lorraine…What’s wrong with talking to him about this? We know, that sounds crazy. And it’s a risk. Things could get awkward fast if it doesn’t go well. But what do you have to lose? A friend? Sure, but do you really want to be friends with him, or do you want something more? It just seems that this friendship is going to get more and more frustrating because you really want more. Also, we think he pretended he didn’t remember about your tryst because he was embarrassed and not sure how you felt about it since you stopped the proceedings from going too far. He may have interpreted that as a sign that you weren’t as into it as he was. Right now this is all confusing. It’s all speculation and worry. Could you make an excuse to visit his city and then try to get together with him and bring the topic up somehow? The thing is, long distance is really tough, especially when you don’t have a strong foundation in place; but it’s not impossible. And if he’s as into this as you are, anything can happen. What do you think? Is this crazy? ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.

  13. Thanks guys! You are right. I have always wanted more and it will only get more frustrating for me if I keep thinking about him. The fact remains that the last thing I want is a long distance relationship. I guess the thought of losing him as a friend all together is a little scary as I value all of the connections I make with people. There is really nothing to be done until we see each other again in person and I have no idea when that will be. For now, I guess I need to stop obsessing over what could have been. Thank you again for the response!

  14. @Lorraine…..You’re welcome. Take care of yourself and keep us posted on how you’re doing. And come back anytime to ask a question or to check out our new site. (Any day now!) Thanks for sharing our site with your friends. We appreciate it. Truly!

  15. So my question
    I have been great friends with a guy ever since middle school. We are both now in our 20’s and about 2 yrs ago he moved back him to another country. Due to common insecurities that come with the Adolescent ages, we never shared feelings with one another. We went on to date other people and remained good friends. Well just recently we admitted that there were feelings there all through out but that we never felt good enough for one another.
    He visited friends here a few months ago and ended up staying with me during that time so he wouldn’t have to get any hotel rooms. We had a great timecatching up and even cuddled and shared the same bed.
    Now I am arranging to visit him in a few months and since truth has come out about our past feelings, we joke that when I’m there we are going to be ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’
    We text everyday for a month now and we use your typical pet names like bay, love, handsome, sweetie etc. He also told me a few days ago that if I ever asked anything of him that he would be there for me and that not very many people would he do that for.
    Is this all just a silly game we’re playing cause I’m afraid it’s going to stir up some feelings.

  16. @Jada01…….The silly game is necessary to see if there might actually be something there. You’re not going to know unless you keep playing. Hopefully it will blossom into something much more than a game. Keep us posted and have fun.

  17. All_those_words // August 2, 2013 at 6:09 pm //

    Hello! This was the topic closest to my question or, more correctly, my situation. I have though noticed that this one hasn’t been used very much lately. I still hope for some input to my situation from you guys.

    Background: My friend and I have been friends for soon 15 years. We met when we were both in high school on the internet. We live in different cities, quite far from each other but has still been able to meet at least once a year. Sometimes just for a couple of hours when passning through each others cities but also stayed longer and spent several days in each others company. Our communication has mostly been in form of handwritten letters, but also emails, textning, postcards and, rarely, phone calls. We have always been there for each other in the badest of times and the best. He’s the one I always want to tell everything, the one that has always been there and I trust him utterly. We are friends. We’ve never been single at the same time and always discussed our dating and relationship history and experiences. My friend has had several but long relationships and I’ve been dating lots of guys and have had several but very short relationships.

    The last three years: Three years ago he came to my city to visit me and we spent several days together and he even extended his stay. Choosing me over spending time with some other people in a nearby town. We had a wonderful time and connected on a totally new level. One of my guy friends stated that it was obvious that my friend “wanted me” and liked me more than just a friend. I really liked him. He was then in a serious relationship, planning to move in together with the girl, so nothing happened and I fled. I was simply not ready to face the situation because I sort of felt betrayed by the fact that was into me (which he later said was true) but still was with another girl. I faced a lot of difficulties during this time with my health, family, friends, my lovelife and I also had a lot of issues to deal with and things to figure out. I didn’t trust him and honestly, I sort of took of from everyone in one way or another. I closed myself. So we sort of lost our connection, at least that is what I talked myself into.
    We sort of shared a few more intimate moments during his visit, nothing sexual at all but sometimes the intimicy that is unsexual can be even more intimate, for exempel taking a nap together, huging a bit longer, suddenly just catching him look at me like no one else has ever looked at me (not my friends, not my boyfriends, no one).

    Current situation: A few months ago I sent him a letter telling him how important he is for me, what he has ment for me in the passed, telling him the story of the passed years, my confusion, my story, my words etc. Simply speaking my mind. We’ve sporadically been corresponding during the three years and it has all been very fragile and weird. He said he was surprised but happy. It turns out that we both in periods have thought about our feelings for each other and addmitted experiencing feelings of a more romantic sort. Still we have both ended up thinking that if we have been friends for this long we are supposed to be friends. We have regained contact again and are in touch very often. Textning a lot,, writing letters, planning for phone conversations when my phone is ready. I was supposed to go see him this summer but by practical reasons I couldn’t. He will now soon come and see me, at least planning to do so. I’m so happy, scared, excited and totally freaked. This would be the first time we meet both being single and as he put it “it feels like a seed”. I don’t really know what this is and losing him would be the worst thing ever. And I keep telling myself that we are friends and that he doesn’t like me that way (seriously, if he did why hasn’t anything happened during these 15 years?!). I guess I simply don’t know. That he doesn’t know. And that we will meet on new grounds and creat something new, be what ever it will be. I guess I just want to hear some other persons view on this. What is your thoughts?

    PS. Another thing is that since we regained contact I’ve realized that even though I pulled away from him and sort of truly behaved awfully (even though I had reason to) he never truly did let me go. During these three years he always kept in touch, without ever pushing me with demands or trying to purse me to keep in touch. He sent me postcards, small texts and even letters. Sometimes I answered in short after a long time, sometimes not at all. It is one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever received: He let me go but he never let go of me. That’s a real good friend. I’m so grateful!

  18. @Allthosewords…….It sounds like he means that you’re just going to have to wait and see and that this is a new beginning. It could be that he’s also been afraid of losing your friendship so he didn’t let his feelings be known all these years. It also could mean he just wants to be friends. (The long distance doesn’t help here) We’re sorry we can’t give you more info but truly this is just one of those situations where you won’t know until the two of you are together. Our advice: If you truly think there could be something more with this guy one of you is going to have to take the risk and say something. Or do something. Otherwise you’ll just remain in limbo. Good luck and have fun.

  19. Gentlemen:

    Here’s the Cliff’s Notes version. Let me know if you need details.

    After meeting on the internet a number of years ago without any romantic pretext, we finally meet. I am extremely cautious because of the high “rebound potential.” She’s a few months out of a multi-year relationship and I’m slightly more separated from emotionally draining short term relationship myself. She’s a fixture in my life and I intend to keep it that way regardless of what may happen between us.

    We hung out a handful of times due to distance and eventually had sex. I know we’ve crossed the threshold of being more than friends. If all we wanted was to be “friends with benefits” there are plenty more convenient options for the two of us. I tend to overthink… a lot. Due to this, I’m eager to determine the parameters of our relationship. As I type this, I deem the two of us to be single, but only technically. My instincts tell me it’s not necessary to rush to put a stamp on things and just enjoy our time together. Would you recommend letting time and our actions dictate what we are to each other, or do you think it’s necessary to explicitly communicate with each other what it is we understand to be going on so that our actions are in line with each other’s expectations?

  20. Gentlemen: Here’s a mini-status update. We unexpectedly aired things out last week after my frustrations boiled over. She said that her feelings ran deep but she was unsure of where I stood. I echoed her sentiments. After we laid our cards on the table, she said that she isn’t ready for a relationship at the moment. She’s still getting over her ex and wants to take some time to work on herself. I want to take this at face value but it’s hard to not start looking between the lines. She said there’s no one she talks to as much or likes to be with as much as me. As I noted previously, I do not want to be a rebound and I told her as much. She said that she imagines that if we get serious, it’s going to be something permanent, something she thought from the moment we met. I asked where that left us, and neither of us knows.

  21. @All the Women out There…….We’d love to hear your thoughts on The Perfect Guy? Leave a comment, a description or respond to someone else’s comment. Let’s have a conversation.

  22. i have had a long distance friendship with a guy for 3 years. I worked at a gym and he was working in my town. The first night he came in I felt an instant attraction to him. He would come in my office and hang out everyday for several weeks. And finally he asked me to hang out outside of the gym. He asked me to go out with his friends from work. He asked if he could ride with me cause everyone bailed. We ended up going somewhere different than we originally planned ( I later found out from one of his friends they all went where we oringally planed and he told me they bailed because he wanted to hang out alone) which I’m glad he did. We talked for hours and had the best time. The next week he found out he was leaving for another job in another state. He came to tell me bye and he would be back in a couple weeks. The canceled the job where I lived and that was the last time I have seen him. I hugged him goodbye thinking I’d see him soon. Three years later we still talk on a daily basis when we are both single …. and innocently check in the times one of us has been dating someone,though neither of us have ever gotten serious with anyone. We always talk about getting together but our jobs clash he’s all over the country because he travels for work. I on the other hand work all the time. We flirt all the time and most conversations are kept light and playful. We have those conversations where we plan out our future hipyheticly we always End up married in these conversations. We FaceTime once a week or so for like 2 hours and just have the best time. We have really deep conversations and frequently visit conversation about how easy it is between us. He recently has been saying I love you. Usually playfully i.e.: he may be locking fun or picking at me to which I usually giggle and call him an idiot. He says you know I love you right ? My response is usually I love you too then he follows with the love you more. He recently was hanging out with a girl to which I’m always respectful of and step out of his life a while but he called me to tell me he didn’t like her and wanted advice. I told him he owed her a conversation that she obviously has feelings for her. I asked why he changed his mind about her wondered if something happened? He basically described her complete opposite of me. He called things off that night and we have been talking everyday. He’s saying he loves me a lot more than he use to. I know we have an amazing connection that’s foundation is a genuine friendship. I can’t help but wonder if it’s worth perusing and if he thinks the same thing? I’m afraid to bring it up because I don’t want to be reading into something that’s not there and risk messing up what we have. Any thoughts..

  23. @Lucy…..Ideally he’d bring up the topic. It seems that he may be hinting around to see if you’ll pick up the ball, but it’s hard to say from the little we have to go on. Has he talked about visiting? Or getting together at all? It just seems to us that if he was very interested he’d try to take this to the next level. That said, since you’ve been friends for so long it might seem harder now than it would have been at the beginning. Hmm……Well, the only way you’re going to know is if one of you starts the conversation. Would you be willing to do that? Maybe in a joking way? To see what he says? Thoughts?

  24. So i got ballsy and sent this

    I got to thinking last night if I’d be fine with us doing “this” forever. If I walked away now would I kick myself in the ass for not trying to figure out if there was something more there … and would I find myself looking back wondering what if? Yes … I would. Simple as that. Let’s face it neither of us are trying to get married or jump into anything serious right this moment … but we always find ourselves here caught up in each other. Just wanted to ask you the same thing. Would you be ok just walking away… or would you be curious too? If no … ok but I need to take a step back because everytime we get to this place with each other I find more reasons to be attracted to you. But if your curious at all we need to do something about it. Nothing drastic no changes in our relationship but …. maybe we need to try to get together soon and just see. Or we are always going to be in each others back pockets I love our friendship …. but I don’t have any other friendships with guys …. like ours. You appreciate me being honest with you so I’m just laying it all out there. Don’t feel like this needs an instant response I get you probably need to think about it. No matter what I love you and always will you know that. Have a good day I’ll talk to you soon 😘

    To which I got a reply sever hours later that said this :

    We obviously have a connection or we wouldn’t get along like we do. It’s easy with you. I’m totally down to plan something. The only thing I don’t want is if this gets serious and for some reason doesn’t make it then our awesome friendship is gone which would suck.


    I get where he’s coming from. But I also don’t think it will get serious if it won’t be long term. And I have never dated someone who I got to walk into the relationship already knowing they care so much about me, there is trust and respect there. The type of foundation alot of failed relationships never achieve …. I already have. I feel blessed.

  25. @Lucy….Well, good for you. How does it feel to put it all out there? (We’re all about no regrets here.) What did you think of his response?

  26. I am in a Situation with a guy that I met. I am married with kids, I am needing to leave this marriage but can not financially. I started an affair with this guy who is younger than me. We were together for 7 months before he left the country for work. Where he works he can communicate through skype and phones call when he gets a chance. This has been going on for 3 yrs now. I send him items he needs or things I want to send him. We meet up when he comes home to have sex, which isn’t often at all. But we text daily and send pics back and forth(nonsexual) He says he misses my assets but never just me. He has told me he likes me a lot but then he gets stressed out he lashes out at me (has happened 3x ) and claims we’ have nothing more than a friendship. He calls me sweet names all the time and says he wishes he was home to be with me, well to have sex. He has brought me expensive gifts to show me how much he appreciates my support. He claims I make him happy but I am just confused what he is wanting out of this non relationship that we have. He shuts me out sometimes and I don’t know if he is trying to protect hisself from being hurt. He tells me all the time I am sexy, beautiful, a great person.

  27. @Kristy…….Honestly, this does not sound like it’s going anywhere. He sounds like a guy who enjoys the sex, maybe a little of the friendship, but isn’t looking for more. Remember, you’re safe. He knows that you’re married so at this point there’s no chance of him having to step up his game. Does that make sense? So if you’re thinking of leaving your marriage for this guy we think you need to reconsider. What we would suggest is that you figure out whether you want to be in your marriage or not, resolve that, and then think about this.

  28. I met this guy 2 yrs back during a vacation we chatted up and went to a couple of dinners together I was not interested in this guy at that point of time though he was attracted to me he never made a move.after the trip we stayed in touch over texts fir few months and gradually drifted apart as we live in different cities and lost contact.fast forward to a month back when somehow i dug him up on social media and initiated a communication .initially it was all platonic from my side and he seemed interested to meet to which i reluctantly agreed.after i met him we had a solid chemistry and things happened.but we both realised that we have to move back to different cities and things wont work out also because our paths in life are very different.also he is younger than me .it all ended in a positive note with him saying we may plan to meet in future.now that i am back home i am constantly fixated on him and can’t seem to concentrate on work at hand,though its not even a week yet .i am deliberately trying to not look needy.no communication at present .i am clear in my head this cant be a relationship but then i want to see him again.hiw do i go about it ? Without appearing clingy and loosing self respect.

  29. @Priscilla…..We need a little more info. How old is he? You? When you say things happened, what specifically? Sex? Tell us how the conversation went as you were both going back home? What did he say about seeing you again? Anything specific?

    FYI: If you’d like to have a more private conversation, click the Ask a Private Question button on our site and follow the steps. (We’d probably recommend that option because you seem to have a lot of questions, but there is a fee. Read testimonials on our site.) We’ll do what we can here in the comments, but we tend to limit our responses due to the number of comments and questions we receive.

  30. Priscilla // January 19, 2018 at 3:35 pm //

    He is in his late 20s and I am in my mid 30s.Yes we had sex and it was great.both of us are trying to go for further studies and we have entirely different careers.he is not ready for a relationship and i am reluctant too.he thinks we wont have common things to share because of the different careers we have.though he casually mentioned we might meet up in future but no concrete plans were made.its about a week now.i haven’t texted him neither has he .shall i text or call him .or just forget about it.its pretty hard though.i find myself wanting more of him.i guess in a casual way only

  31. @Priscilla…..Thanks for filling us in. Well, honestly, if he’s not reaching out to you and trying to see you again, then he’s likely decided that things are not going to progress into anything more serious. Sure, he might see you again, but we don’t get the sense things are going to evolve in the way you want them to. That said, you never know, and it’s probably a little too soon to make that decision……So, to your question. Should you text or call? Well, if he doesn’t reach out to you in the next week or so, we’d say, shoot him a short text and feel him out. Say hi. Maybe ask him about something specific. (You’d know better than us.) See if you can get him to engage. And then let him take the ball. DO NOT ask to see him again. Let him be the one to initiate that.

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