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Long distance Relationship? Conflicted

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Last week’s questions:

Confused by my marine

What is his problem?

Soon to be mom

How to start a long distance relationship?

Is this boy playing me?

He’s back, but is he into me?

This week’s questions:

Breaking up

Listen to our latest podcast:

Episode 35: Memorable moments from the first 34 episodes!


Dear Guys,

So I’ve known this guy sincee middle school. In fact we dated in the eight grade. Well that was short lived but we remained friendly afterwards. In high school we didn’t have any classes together. But we talked when we passed one another and smiled. We kept things friendly. Well two years after high school while I’m in college, he contacted me via  Facebook and admitted to me that he had liked me all that time but was fearful to ask me out. (I had secretly still liked him as well). So we started talking, and talking and talking. Skyping as well. We have been chatting for a few months now. Problem is, he lives eight hours away now. In conversation we may have gotten in a little too emotionally deep, sharing some very personal things. He started calling me “beautiful”, “babe”. Saying things like, “Oh, I cant wait to see you and be with you.” This is when I thought he was moving back here, where we grew up. But recently he admitted that he’s conflicted with whether to stay where he is or go. It all has to do with money and his schooling. He’s not sure where to go next. He wants to be with me, but like I said, money and finding a school and a new major is a problem. He’s not happy where he is, I at least know that much.

But because he’s suddenly unsure of where he’s going, our conversations have become a lot more friends rather than flirty. He still contacts me often to chat, share and see what I’m up to. But its gotten a lot more casual as opposed to our previously “serious about dating talk.”

Is he worth waiting for? He may or may not decide to come down to where I am. I feel like we really connect but as long as he’s at a distance, it will probably remain friendly. What do you think?… Should I stick with it, support him and wait for him to move back here?

Holly

Dear Holly,

Thanks for writing to us.

This is an interesting situation. Our first thought was, here’s a guy that doesn’t like being alone. Otherwise why would he open up to you when he thought he was going to move where you live, and then do an about face when it looked like that might not happen. It almost seemed like part of moving to a new town was having a girlfriend in place.

On the other hand it does sound like he’s had a thing for you for a long time. We like that he contacted you and finally told you how he felt. Sometimes it takes guys a long time to step up to the plate. Good for him.

After debating this for awhile we think you should keep in contact with him, but maybe at arm’s length. It’s a confusing and vulnerable time for him. He’s not happy where he is, but he’s not sure what to do about it. He needs to figure this stuff out by himself. Sure you can be a supportive friend, but we don’t think you should be the one who helps him work through this. That’s a recipe for getting left in the dust.

In general when a person is at a pivotal time in their life, that’s when they should be unencumbered by a new relationship. This gives them the freedom to make the best decision for themselves. And that’s what this guy should do; and maybe he intutively understands this. If he makes a decision that’s based on having a relationship with you, but that isn’t necessarily the best decision for his future, there’s potential for resentment, which isn’t the way to start a relationship. He’s got to make a decision about his life before the two of you can even discuss having a relationship.

So this is one of those “wait and see” scenarios Holly. We recommend you live your life, and let him live his. Talk to him if he calls you, but don’t get wrapped up in the minutia of his life. And please let him be the initiator. Once he’s feeling more settled and grounded, maybe then the two of you can start talking about being together. But once again, you’ll know whether or not he really wants to be with you if he pursues you.

We wish we could give a more definitive answer, but the nature of long distance relationships makes that difficult.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Be sure to let your friends know about us.

16 Comments on Long distance Relationship? Conflicted

  1. This sounds sooooo familiar to me! When we went away to different colleges, we still stayed in contact and saw each other when we were both home for a weekend. We both started dating other people, which was most definitely the right thing to do. People really do some serious growing up between our early school years and college. Sometimes people get a little scared about making a working life for themselves and it is easy to look for a comfortable and safe spot back in the past. We went on to marry other people and moved on with our lives.

    Now, my eighth grade sweetheart is a little different story. We have always remained friends, and even though we don’t call or email frequently, we manage to stay in touch. In fact, I see him every single day! He’s the older guy standing in the cranberry bog on the OceanSpray
    commercials!!!

  2. @Judie…..you’re kidding me. Love that!

  3. I am finding myself in a similar situation. I have starting communicating with an old flame of mine, but he lives very far away from me, with no chance of relocating for at least the next year and a half. He is at that pivotal moment in his life where he needs to be there for his choice of career and to focus on finishing through with his plans and certification. He has always been upfront and honest and admitted that we shoudln’t let other opportunities pass us by; who knows what may happen down the road but it’s very difficult to sit on the sidelines waiting for something that is only a possibility. It isn’t the easiest to realize, especially when you meet someone great and who you adore, but it is what it is. So I’ve taken to dating other guys and seeing what the present holds as opposed to focusing on the future. Thanks Guys – although your persective isn’t new information to me, it certainly puts me at ease to know that my decisions to not sit and wait or pursue a relationship at this point in time with this person is a good one.

  4. @J9…..Glad we could be a comforting voice for you. Please keep us posted. And if you ever have a question, ask away. Take care.

  5. Thanks Guys!

    I’m currently a bit stumped. I’m still in communication with the same guy (we talk about once every week or two) and we talk about the usual day to day things: work, life, family,friends, what we did on the weekend, holiday plans, what we had for dinner (exciting, I know!), etc. To me those kind of conversations help keep things more realistic and less of a fabricated fantasy. We aren’t in a relationship and have discussed the idea of doing long-distance, but neither of us are really up for it. I’ve been down that road before, and he has been upfront about his priorities being elsewhere right now with work and school.I know he is in a tough spot because he doesn’t have the option to relocate until his certification is done, which will take another year and a half. We are from the same town, and he does make it back once every six months or so for holidays to visit family and friends, and we always spend time together when he is here, and it’s always great.

    I put forward the idea of coming up north to visit him. Apart from it being expensive to fly there (we’re in Canada), and that his work schedule doesn’t really allow for him to take time off and he is often out of town, he expressed hesitancy about the possibility, stating that he didn’t want either of us to get any wrong ideas about the possibility of an “us”, and that it would be hard on us to act like a couple and build up hopes of a future when we both know full well that it can’t happen right now and that we shouldn’t put our lives on hold for something that isn’t certain. I can’t relocate from my job, and he doesn’t know where he might end up when school is done. I’m wondering: is he being fair and honest by saying/thinking this, or does it mean that he doesn’t care or want anything to do with me? Is he pointing out that me coming to visit solely for the purpose of being with him is too close to trying to be in a long-distance relationship, which we both agreed isn’t best? Help (and thanks)!

  6. @J9…..Nice to hear from you. We don’t think he’s saying he doesn’t care about you, but the fact that he’s not expounding and letting you into his more private thoughts does say something. We think it’s fair to say that he cares about you, but that he’s not sure if he feels a romantic connection to you. And when you suggest a visit you’re also suggesting that you’re interested in exploring this relationship, and that you’re willing to work at it a bit to see what could happen. So he’s at least saying he’s not interested in working on it. Which of course suggests that he’s very conflicted about how he feels about you romantically. So we don’t think it’s as extreme as you’re suggesting, but we do think the two of you are on different pages when it comes to an actual relationship.

  7. well i really like this guy but he says he doesnt like long distance relationship’s…. what should i do??

  8. @Adryana……We’re closing shop for the evening. If you could give us some more details we might be able to shed some light on your situation. (In the morning though) Also, you should check out some of the other posts on long distance relationships, for which there are many. Go to Ask the Guys page and use search. Take care.

  9. I went on one date with this guy I really liked, but he left me feeling very confused and I’m not sure how much he liked me. He ended up friending me on Facebook after our date and then texted me 3 days later. A little backstory: We met through work, but we live in different states, but went on a date when he came to my town. We hung out at work 2 times before the date. I felt like there was a connection and chemistry which I’m pretty sure he felt too. After the date, his text messages were strange. He would text something and then leave me hanging after I would reply to his message. He mentioned that he was coming back to my town for 2 weeks, and wanted to see me again. Except it didn’t exactly play out like that. He said, I’ll be coming there for 2 weeks. I said, sounds cool. Then we talked some more, he left me hanging on that text message, and then I said… it would be great to see you again and then he said… “I’ll see what I can do.” I then replied with.. Is that game play? Then he said define game play. I said, trying to get the girl to chase, lots of fun, can’t wait to play that game. Then he replied with ha! So, then I waited two days to reply to that and he asked if we were game playing and I said, I think so. Then he said he would put a stop to it and wouldn’t do that anymore. But guess what, he didn’t text me again for an entire week and just left me some lame message that didn’t even ask me how I was doing. I then ended up telling him that I didn’t think he was as interested in me as I was in him and that I suspected he was trying to set me up as a booty call (by the way, we haven’t had sex yet). Anyway, then he replied with this… I never thought this was going to be anything more than fun and casual. I told him basically that he was a liar and said we weren’t compatible and said that at least he had to put on his “A-game.” Then after all that, he said he is full of grey areas and agreed with me that we might not be compatible but he would really love to take me on!
    another
    date. Then said, see where I’m going with this? To which I replied with, no I don’t. But it sounds better than what you said before. Then I told him that unfortunately at this time in my life I’m looking for someone who has the same goals that I do and that is to have a long-term relationship with someone. I can’t even date someone who doesn’t have the same goals I do. I said that if I’m still single and he is actually looking for the same goal I am, that we should date again then and get to know each other. Then he agreed with me and said I’m not going to argue with anything you said here. I am not in a place right now to be thinking long-term. Basically, we ended everything very respectfully.

    But why am I still missing him and so sad that things ended? I was really hoping he was a genuine guy who really liked me for me. I don’t know if he liked me or not or if he was just not looking for anything serious? I’m so disappointed that another guy I really liked wasn’t into me like I was him. Was he just being inconsiderate, realized he really did like me, and that’s why he wanted to take me on another date? Or was he still thinking, man this chick still likes me and I bet I can get into her pants if I tricked her into thinking I like her? Did I scare him away bringing up long-term relationship stuff too soon? I just have this gut feeling that he wasn’t as into me as I was him and that makes me so sad. Why did he fake interest on the date? Why do guys fake that they really want something serious with you when they really just want to get in your pants? It’s really hard to understand and get over that!! I can understand if he never called again, but he did call and showed interest but his interest wasn’t 100% on if you know what I mean… it was more like.. if I only show her half-interest than I don’t have to be responsible for anything. But maybe I’m wrong. I’m so confused. I need a guy interpreter!!! thanks!!

  10. @Rose….We understand your frustration. What we can say is this guy doesn’t represent all guys. He’s a player. But there are a lot of good guys out there that have similar goals as you. So the question is: Is it that all guys are like this, or is it that there’s something about this particular type of guy that is attractive to you? (We’re just asking the question. It’s always good to consider all possibilities.) Sure, all guys want sex, and frankly, you want a guy who wants to get in your pants. Sex is a very important piece of a healthy relationship. And if a guy is way into having sex with you, that can sometimes help him focus. But you also want a guy who loves you for your other great qualities. We think you have to get more acute at recognizing when a guy isn’t serious. There are signs. The first one here was his erratic communication. And then his “odd” texts. Once he said: “I’ll see what I can do” you should have never spoken to him again. That’s rude and inconsiderate and shows who he really is. (Full of himself.) If you had moved on then we don’t think this would have been as frustrating but instead you thought maybe I can play this game. We’d say, as soon as it starts leaning towards this game playing, forget it. If the guy is into you he should be initiating contact and asking you out on proper dates. Maybe the distance factored in to make this more difficult, but even still, we suggest you start trying to recognize the signs one way or another. If you’re confused in the future, come back and ask us a question. In conclusion: Don’t beat yourself up or get too down here. Try to see this as an opportunity to grow and gain a bit more insight so the next time you make a better choice. We all need to go through a bunch of players before we find the right person for us. Good luck and feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. And keep us posted on how you’re doing. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it. @TGPBuzz

  11. Dear Guys,

    I am actually living in Panama but I will be moving back to Canada where the guy I met here is from and so do I. I met him in a party and I spent a month dating him. Some things happened, but no sex. Before leaving he told me I was a good girlfriend after all and that he would have liked to stay longer to share more time with me but he left to attend his best friend wedding.

    We actually have a month skyping and writing messages on facebook and it has being fun, but not the same. Unfortunately, he recently confessed me he started dating a friend of him. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to keep in touch. He even told me he stills have a place for me until I go to Canada because he is going to the same province as I am in September while I am going in November, so more or less 3 months more. He even told me he doesn’t think the girl he’s dating is something serious.

    So, since I am still interested, I wrote him a letter saying our main mistake was not to discuss ground rules, before we got separated and why don’t we try to fix that having a conversation about it?

    I am still waiting for his answer and I am trying to be cold with my emotions and think realistically. Anyways, I think I told him to have an open relationship somehow, since I agree he can date another girl and that he can have as much fun as he wants in the meantime, but I am surprise I am accepting it and so, what do you guys think about it and what recommendations would you give me regarding to this?

    Thanks!

    Rachel.

  12. @Rachel…..Well it doesn’t seem like you have much choice since you’ve only known him for a few months. We’d suggest you stay in touch but try to keep it light and fun. And then, when the two of you are in the same city, just see how it goes. In the meantime, you should be having fun yourself. Date around. Go out and meet new people. Who knows, you may meet someone else that you connect with. Good luck.

  13. Mami Chula // January 22, 2016 at 10:19 pm //

    Hey Guys,

    I think I know what your perspective would be, but I thought I’d write you anyways. So I was sexually dealing with a guy. The encounter started August 2014 after noticing him come to my job for about 7 months, but not really paying attention to him. It was initiated by him stating that he didn’t want to “cross the line.” I felt as though it was a way to hang out and have sex whenever. Anyways, we hung out the first night and I got majorly drunk and ended up spending the night at his house and of course having sex with him. However, that night a perspective about me developed within him. As we were getting ready to leave and I was waiting on him to come out of the bathroom, I noticed a gentleman that night wearing a shirt that I had been looking for and was dying to purchase. We exchanged numbers and he came out of the bathroom and witnessed that part. He didn’t say anything, but as we continued to hang out more and more the incident came up (months after it had happened) Even though both of us stated we didn’t want a relationship, He would still text me at least once in a day. Then he began calling me babe privately and then around people he knew. Which I tried not to look to much into, because we were just having sex and I knew he had other FWB. Then he started to say and do things when we were in public together like,say “to the outside world it may look like were dating” grab my hand while riding in the car together, then make snide comments like, I know you don’t want me to meet you at your job, because people might see us together so where should we meet. He would cook for me and give me massages. I most recently moved to California and he expressed that I just “up and moved.”

  14. Hey Guys,

    I think I know what your perspective would be, but I thought I’d write you anyways. So I was sexually dealing with a guy. The encounter started August 2014 after noticing him come to my job for about 7 months, but not really paying attention to him. It was initiated by him stating that he didn’t want to “cross the line” and asking to hang out. I felt as though for him it was a way to hang out and have sex whenever. For me it was a way to hang out and chill when bored, I never intended to be intimate with him. Anyways, we hung out the first night and I got majorly drunk and ended up spending the night at his house and of course having sex with him. However, I feel that night a perspective about me developed within him. As we were getting ready to leave our hangout spot and I was waiting on him to come out of the bathroom, I noticed a gentleman that night wearing a shirt that I had been looking for for months and was dying to purchase. We (Mr. T-shirt & I) exchanged numbers (honestly solely for the purpose of the t-shirts) and he (FWB) came out of the bathroom and witnessed that part. I offered to FWB that I was talking to Mr. T-shirts, because I loved the shirt the guy had on and had been looking for that same one for a while and couldn’t believe that I finally was about to get one. He (FWB) didn’t say anything about it then, but as we continued to hang out more and more the incident came up (months after it had happened)and I continued to express that I was just trying to find the t-shirt he was wearing. Even though both of us stated we didn’t want a relationship, He would still text me at least once in a day. Then, he began calling me babe privately and then around people he knew. Which I tried not to look to much into, because we were just having sex and I knew he had other FWBs. Then he started to say and do things when we were in public together like, grab my hand while riding in the car together, then make snide comments like, I know you don’t want me to meet you at your job, because people might see us together so where should we meet, or say “to the outside world it may look like were dating”. He would cook for me and give me massages. He would initiate cuddling and towards the end of our stint even started kissing me at times while we were having sex (which I don’t kiss and neither does he). He also would ask things like when am I coming home or why am I not at home in bed with him at our house? Which was very confusing coming from some one who didn’t want a relationship and who also had other FWBs. I’m not going to lie, the more we spent time together, irregardless of what I had previously stated about not wanting to be in a relationship either, I developed feelings for him. Things went on like this until about June 2015, when I most recently moved to across the country from him and he expressed that I just “up and moved without telling him.” When I moved I laid my heart on the line via a long text, stating how much I really liked him, How I wanted to be more than friends and how I know that we are far apart but I am really attracted to him in spite of that. His response was “Wow that was like a pdf.” Once he said that, I felt I had my answer, He didn’t have any intent on taking things further. So I played everything smooth and made a joke out of it saying, “Naw, I think it was more so like a book! LOL!” Most recently, in December 2015, I went back to the city where we met. I informed him that I was in town. He made a comment about me not telling him that I was there. He saw me two times in a 10 day period. When we linked up, the tension was real. He again expressed that I “up and left him” and everything was very abrupt, then pointed out the fact that I failed to inform him that I was arriving in town. I really didn’t want to have sex, because I didn’t want to complicate an semi-confusing situation, but of course we did. He was so passionate this time, not normal and ended up intertwining his legs, arms, and essentially body with mine and falling asleep. I left early morning 7:30, because I didn’t want to stay and seem like I was “cramping his style.” When I left, I gave him a hug outside in his driveway and then he leaned forward and kissed me (which he never does). Then I quickly went to my car. When I noticed that I barely saw him during my trip. I asked him why he pointed out that I didn’t inform him of my trip plans when, he barely saw me. The text I got next was confusing. His response was I run more than he does and there’s no telling when I’m going to say Fck it and head back across the nation. He also stated that I’m the type that can pack up and leave and be here today, gone tomorrow, but that’s what he’s used to and he can’t invest his time in somebody who can leave any moment. I was really confused at this point. The tone of his text sounded angry or frustrated. Guys, my question is why would a potential player who has made it known that they aren’t interested in a relationship say and do all of the aforementioned things? Also, why would they have an issue with my move or bring up investing time in me, when they initially stated that they weren’t interested in a relationship? Lastly, do you think that he was possibly starting to develop feelings for me as well, but the distance haulted things?

    Looking for a Male Perspective. Sometimes Us Women Romanticize a Situation that is Nowhere Near the Level we Fantasize About.

  15. @Snowflake…..Thanks for your question. We answer shorter questions, or follow-up questions from the person who asked the original question, here in the comments’ section. We think your question might be better suited for the General Question option or the Private Question option. More likely the Private since it’s so long. Or you could shorten it a bit and resubmit.

  16. @Mami Chula……So what’s your question? Are you wondering if he’s starting to develop feelings for you? He’s got another FWB, right? He sounds like a player. But it’s a double-standard. He wants to do his thing, but keep you “locked” up for only him. Have you read our short e-report on the topic of FWB? You’ll see where we stand on the arrangement.

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