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Long distance relationship: He cheated on me and told me

Dear Guys,

Let’s start out by saying I’m 17 and he’s now 20. We met a year and a half ago in Maryland. I live in Alabama but my dad lives in Maryland so I visit him every break that I get from school. I met him in the summer of 2009 at an under 18 club. We danced all night together and he asked for my number. We started texting and then talking on the phone for hours. I didn’t intend for anything to happen but it started getting intense. I would talk up to six hours a day and it came to a point where we exchanged the words “I love you.” (And I meant them when I said it to him.)

Let me just say my parents don’t support me with this. They have blocked him from my phone and everything. That made the situation ten times harder because when the people you care most about don’t care at all about what your passionate about, it’s hard.

I understand what could happen and all the outcomes that could come out of this situation. Of course we’ve had out some ups and downs but he stayed faithful to me for a whole year. Then he told me right before this summer when I was coming to see him that he liked this other girl and told me about everything that he did and felt. She gave him oral and that’s as bad as it got. I forgave him because I couldn’t help but love him. He promised me he wouldn’t ever do anything like that again.

We’ve been doing good until now. He is having some issues about me not being physically there. I understand that men react and get stimulated differently than females. I mean he’s 20 and hasn’t had sex in two years. He’s stayed pretty faithful. Well accept, he had intercourse with this new girl out of nowhere and he told me. I respect him for being a man and not lying to me and just straight up telling me. I know he cares about me and I know he loves me. He’s just going through a phase. I might be crazy for accepting it and probably forgiving him again in the future.

OH!! And here’s another thing. I’m changing my future so I can be with him. I’m lying to my mother, my step-dad and my dad about him. I’ve decided to move in with my dad in Maryland so I can be close to him and this is happening in seven months. I don’t know. Maybe he needed to get his sexual tension out? But seriously he couldn’t wait? Also I was coming to see him for Christmas in less than month.

That’s just my best trying to put it into long story short, and I guess my question is, should I forgive him? Or should I dump his ass? Or stay his friend? I mean he’s been faithful for two years and he tells me about everything he does so it’s not really cheating if he tells me. I understand his situation and why he is behaving the way he is. I’m just so scared he’s going to find someone else to replace me and fall in love with them. And when I finally move there, the space that I’ve left for him in my heart will be empty because he moved on.

I talked to his mom. (We’re close too, she’s our biggest fan.) And she says that she knew he was going to have to go through something like this, she just didn’t know when. She said that he never really got the attention from girls and because I can’t really give it to him physically he’s coping with it like that. But she swears up and down that she knows he loves me by the way he talks about me and that I have something special and that shes knows he loves me. She says it’s a phase and that she thinks he should go through the experience. I mean most guys pretty much screw a lot of girls in their prime years don’t they? It just sucks he’s doing it when we were “together.”

That brings me to another point. We don’t classify ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend. We are just two people who fell in love who have been through hell to fight for what we have. But he knows we have boundaries and he crossed them.

I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!

Help Please!

Danielle

Dear Danielle,

Thanks for your question.

We understand how strongly you feel for this guy. Love strikes when it pleases, and when it does it’s difficult to contain. However, we also feel strongly that you shouldn’t be lying to your parents. Yes, we realize they haven’t been that supportive, but from their point of view they probably feel you’re too young to be having this sort of relationship with a guy you barely know who lives hours away from you. But believe it or not, their feelings come from a good place. They want you to be happy. They’re not trying to stifle your passion, but more keep you from getting hurt. Which brings us to this guy.

We don’t necessarily think you’re being foolish for forgiving him, but just because he TELLS you he cheated doesn’t mean it’s okay. He did cheat, plain and simple. And if he’s had sex with two girls, it’s likely there’s more going on than you realize. Or if there’s not, it’s not from want of trying on his part. Sure guys might need to go through this phase, but that’s no excuse. If he wants to pursue other girls he shouldn’t be stringing you along and telling you how much he loves you. And honestly we think you’re making too many excuses for him. (And why are you talking to his mother about this? This seems a bit odd. She’s stringing you along too. She shouldn’t be making excuses for her son either. She seems a bit too involved with this don’t you think?)

Our strong recommendation is to stay where you are and not move. You can always continue to be friends with this guy and develop a deeper emotional connection with him over time. And if you still feel this way in a few years, then maybe that’s the time to explore this more. But based on his actions he certainly isn’t ready to commit to you now. We know you think it’s all going to change when you move there but from our experience we doubt it. Sure, maybe for a while things will be blissful, but if he’s really having such a hard time now, his “needs” will become an issue soon enough.

We believe that love should be explored, but we don’t think you should change your life to be with this guy. If he really wants to be with you at some point, let him be the one to take the initiative. Let him be the one to change his life. If he does this, you’ll certainly know he’s serious about you. If you go live with your father to be with this guy, you’ll never really know the depth of his feelings for you. Guys love convenience, and if you move, you’ll be making this very convenient for him. You need to make him work a little. Please wait on this for a while!

Last note: If he’s having sex with other girls, you need to be careful. There’s a lot of “stuff” floating around out there. Your safety is important. And honestly, his actions have given you no reason to trust him.

Please leave us a comment and/or a follow up question in the comments section here. We’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

 

Readers,

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2 Comments on Long distance relationship: He cheated on me and told me

  1. I’m the one that submitted this, well I can say this is good advie I love hearing other peoples point of veiws. Okay the mother thing being involved? good point…but I feel like I let her be involved because my own mother wasnt suppotive and she was, so i liked that and maybe she is sort of stringing me along but shes and adult hopefully she would’nt be that imature.

    Also haha the girl before summer was he gave him oral he never did anything with her they did not have sex, it was just this new girl. By the way he was intoxicated…but screw that things have changed in the last two months. Just recently I saw him during Christmas and we acted like nothing is wrong because my physically want was much needed so I couldnt resist being angry at him, but whatever we both got what we wanted and in the end we talked about the situation and are emotions and brain were to cloudy and overwhelmed by the fact of actually being together that we didnt make a decision. He asked me what I wanted I said for him not to get a girlfriend or fall in love with someone else, I also said to him that you should promise that because people cant change how they feel about one another. But he swore up and down that he wasnt emotionally ready for another relationship…( I knew in the back of my head because of his previous incident that he does get feelings for girls without him even knowing it and then he finally admits it to himself) Well low and behold he tells me things are getting serious with this girl they hang out al the time and blahblahblah and that hes been holding back on being her boyfriend because he said he didnt want one when we saw one another…

    Heres another thing I would much rather be friends with him and keep him in my life then not be with him at all…oh i also try calling him and he doesnt pick up and i told him hey i tried calling you but hes like oh sorry i was hanging with “her” and shes very territorial i was like what the hell…so basically hes letting someone come between as friends and everything else..

    A good friend of mine asked why do you put in the effort yesterday and it was a good point so i asked him why am i still putting the effort when clearly your not…so i told him straight up that if you dont start acting like you care and want me to be in your life then im ganna stop, bottom line.

    I will still being moving to Maryland for the right reasons now he is not icluded in my plans maybe or fate will cross again but im going to get close to my dad and go to college there and become independent.

    Its pathertic really, he is my first love and I know that first loves dont work out as we little love struck females think they will. But its razy how someone can make you feel the way you do and effect you not only emotionally but physically…I guess I’ll always love him and ill be in his life in some way always as long as he wants me there. Im trying my best to be strong and get over it and try to touch back in to reality.

    Thank you guys so much, you did help alot.
    I’m sorry i dont if i was allowed to make this huge comment and have you go through it again.
    Again thank you so much for you spending the time to reply to this (:

  2. @Danielle……You’re very welcome. We’re glad we were able to help. Good luck. And keep in touch. Let us know how things are going. And feel free to ask another question any time.

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