Long distance relationship

Dear Guys,

I have been dating this guy that lives in AZ for the last 4 months. I’m in California. We get alone well and seem to enjoy each other’s company when we get together almost every other weekend.

But now I’m not seeing him for a month. So I like to talk on the phone every day. For me it helps keep us closer. Lately he hasn’t been very crazy about talking too much or too long. I understand because sometimes we talk at 1am-2am.

So I guess I would like to know how to approach this and what kind of ideas you have to make this time apart more fun. Or give some suggestions on ways to cope with the distance.  In a way, I guess more for me, since I seem to be the one who he needs more reinforcement with love or attention. This is hard at times, but when we see each other it’s good and worth it…thank you!


Dear Patricia,

Thanks for writing.

Long distance relationships, are by nature more difficult than a regular relationship. Both people have to be even more diligent about keeping in close contact and being sensitive to the other person’s needs. Otherwise the bond can lose some of its elasticity.

Insecurities can also mount for one person or both, because the comfort of knowing your partner will be home for dinner every night isn’t there. And when insecurities enter into the equation the imagination-or maybe not the imagination-can start to run wild…….What’s he doing? Is he out at a bar? Are there other women involved? Does he not care about me anymore? Is he cheating? And so it goes.

In your case Patricia it doesn’t sound like he’s doing any of these things. At first he was probably happy to talk with you for hours every day, but trying to sustain that, AND go to work, pay the bills, do the chores, can get to be very difficult. To us, he just sounds like he’s resumed his daily life. That doesn’t mean he’s not into you, but it means that balance has been restored, at least for him. His initial rush of hormones have receded to a more manageable level, and he’s back to taking care of business. Don’t worry, as soon as he sees you, everything will come rushing back. At least we hope!

So here are a few suggestions to help you keep in touch, and have some fun. Try limiting the phone conversations to three long ones per week(1 hour), and then maybe three short ones.(5-10 minutes) That will take some of the pressure off. Get a texting plan. Don’t go crazy. But a few texts sprinkled throughout the day could be fun. Maybe even a few “suggestive” ones to spice things up. (Be aware that it’s easy to keep a record of texts….ala Tiger Woods)

What about a daily email? Or send each other a special gift once a week? Alternate weeks. One week you send him a surprise, and another week he does. Make these little things and not expensive. It’s the thought that counts. Use your imagination. We’re sure you can think of something  creative. (Articles of your clothing-and not one of your jackets!, Something engraved that’s small, movie tickets for when you come visit, etc.) Even an actual written letter is quite romantic and very fun to get! It shows how much you care.

Hang in there Patricia. Women are usually much better at keeping in touch in general, so you might have to do a little more of the prompting. But we just want to throw something out there. We don’t know what your plans are, but after another 2-4 months or so, it’s completely reasonable to ask him where things are going. You can’t have a long distance relationship forever, unless you really like it that way. And the whole goal is to one day be together in the same town, or maybe in the same house, if you love each other!

And one final thought. While you’re apart, you might want to keep yourself busy doing some new things.  A book club. Learn a new language. Take a class. Pick up the guitar. Whatever.

Good luck and keep us posted.


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14 Comments on Long distance relationship

  1. I can understand how Patricia feels. It was hard for me, too, when my husband was still active duty military. Those long stretches of weeks and months without being able to chat or enjoy each other’s company was really hard!

    But as the guys here say, hang in there…take some time to do some enjoyable activities on your own. You’re still an individual just as he’s an individual. And if you’ve ever been smothered with attention by anyone, you would realize how precious that alone time is. Sometimes it’s great to be able to just have “personal” time. 😉

  2. Enter your comments here…thank you so much guys and Liggy,those are great thoughts and love them all I have think of some similar but is always nice to hear new ideas,is refreshing.
    We both want this relationship to work and trying to make the best of what we got and enjoy our time when we are together,he will be coming this week and I’m going to see him soon again,we both have kids and that makes it some time harder and that’s why having some time of our own is crucial…

  3. I would try to cut out the 1-2am phone calls. If he’s got a normal sleep cycle, I can see why he’s less than enthused by a conversation at that hour.

    If my phone rings at midnight, it better be either an emergency, or Sandra Bullock returning my call.

  4. I have wondered how people carry on long-distance relationships. It seems to me it would be very stressful after a while, especially if people are trying too hard to make it work. It must be really worth the effort!

  5. Long distance relationships are so tough. My fiance and I had a talk once about this and he said for guys it’s definitely an out of sight out of mind thing. Not that he doesn’t love you, but that when he goes back to his routine, it’s just hard to add you in as part of it. I like all of the suggestions the Guys had for you. Also I’d say just keeping yourself busy outside of the relationship and not letting it take center stage would be good. Get hobbies-keep busy with projects and that time apart will fly by!

  6. My husband and I dated long distance (5 hrs apart) for 4 years. It was rough, but we both had a lot of things that we were working on in our careers, so we were pretty busy when we were apart. It is definitely key to stay busy and try to use the extra time without each other to your advantage rather than waiting by the phone.

    One other thing that also helped us was that after we had been dating around 9 months we had a plan when we would be together for good. This was a big help, because 4 years went by much faster when I know how long we’d be doing the long distance thing. It if had been indefinite that we were going to continue long distance, I’m not sure that I would have survived it so well.

  7. I’ve never been in a long distance relationship so I dont have much to add. Except that I will say Once AGAIN I think The Guys have shared with us some EXCELLENT advice/tips. You Guys ROCK!

  8. The tips from the Guys sounds great, I never really been in a long distance relationship..but think the most important thing is to engage yourself in other things you enjoy whilst hopefully your relationship blossoms with tip provided. Good Luck 🙂

  9. Ineedadvice // November 8, 2012 at 6:34 pm //

    Hey guys… i have a question…
    My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and couple of months…We went to the same college together for a semester…and lived together during the summer… I love him very dearly and stay faithfull to him. We have been through hell and back together….but now.. we are in a long distance relationship…. he lives in ny and i live in sc.. he had to leave for family reasons….anyways we try to see each other at least once every month…. and try to text here and then… and skype almsot every night.. but i have a problem… every time he is feeling down or is having a bad day… or feels lonely.. he threatens to break up with me. and sometimes he actually does it.. but it only lasts a couple of hours or 1 day.. then he talks to me like as if nothing had happened… and i …just follow him… and forget everything too. bc im just happy that we are together – but when he gets in these types of moods… he says i deserve someone better… and that we both deserve someone there with us at all times. he tries to convince me to break up with him… so that he wont have to do it…. saying that i can and would find something better…

    But i cant do that… when things were better at some point.. when we found out he had to leave.. he told me things would get rough, and told me to stay strong…and i promised him i would never give up on him. on our relationship… and i would never leave him…

    i feel like sometimes – when hes sad… a different person takes over him , and i dont know him anymore.. but then he comes back to his normal self…

    I dont know what to do… or how to deal with this.. or what to think…

  10. @Ineedadvice…….Well, does he give you any specific reasons why he’s breaking up with you? Is he trying to ultimately get you to break up with him? Some people have such a difficult time making the split that they create a situation that is unbearable so the other person will do it. We know he’s kind of breaking up with you, but that’s very different than actually breaking up for good. We just get the sense that something else is going on with him besides being sad. Can you give us any other info? And do you suspect there’s another woman involved?

  11. I was in one…..some what still I guess… I thought I was his first long distant relationship…but I guess after 3 years he mentioned he had one years before meeting me ! he is my first time. At first it was great…we gave each other alot of attention, we were committed etc..
    we even talked about marriage and bringing our families together. it took years to put things together…now I realize..or at least think I do…that maybe he prefers long distance because he has freedom and can live as a bachelor coming and going etc… doesn’t have to deal with problems in the relationship..avoidance etc…
    I like to live in reality myself…deal with things as they come asap and not let things fester.
    he goes silent when we have problems.. doesn’t answer emails for a long while..well maybe a line or two to let me know the fault is with me. then he comes back in my life as if nothing happen…back to being romantic with me !It was painful as heck for me ! We broke up after the first year..I did it because I was tired of the avoidance and leaving me hurting for so long and the blaming me . I got tired him asking so much of me, support,attention etc…but when I asked for that I NEVER got it !He never really considered trying any of my suggestions to make things better for us….even when his way was not working. I was doing the giving and he was getting everything his way…
    I was taking all the blame and he was supposedly doing everything right. it is on the 4th year now and we still talk..thought not in a relationship…he is still single, write me here and there….calls me here and there..He has even forwarded me our old love letters etc…throws hints of romance once in while ( which I try avoid ). he even calls to ask how my two sons are ( my son who is 20 had surgery recently) and he calls to ask if he is doing ok..even tells me to let my son know he asked that ! I could NEVER be in a relationship with someone who pops in whenever he feels like it and brings up romance stuff….when he is hardly ever in my life. he tells me sometimes how other women have asked him out and he says he tells them he is not looking for a relationship etc…
    I love this man and this hurts me alot…but I know I cannot go through this again…..I want a man who accepts his faults in things…listens like what I say matters to him, makes effort not excuses. I want to feel important to my guy ! I have sent him gifts in our relationship, cards etc…he has never bought me anything ! he said he had something for my birthday 3 years ago…and was sending it…NEVER got it ! Last year he said he still had it and was going to send it…never got it ! he has promised me new pics of him for the last 3 years…never got them ! left messages on my phone promising this time is is really sending them…never got them yet ! His idea of romance is to send me an email telling me how fit his body is..describing how toned every body part is etc….never anything about how sexy I am to him ! Just about himself and his fitness level !
    I am going through a faze right now where I am realizing alot of painful things about him and I…..and sorting things out in my head and heart. It is a painful process but somehow I know I cannot go on like this with him. I gave my whole self to him..my heart and it was trampled on and taken for granted. I am taking my life back ! I do not write him much at all now…never call him…when he writes me I make him wait for my reply. I sometimes miss his calls purposely and let him leave a message. I stopped mentioning him to people I know..stopped bringing up his name.
    I do not involve my sons with him anymore or talk about him to my sons.I feel it is not worth it when he is not even in my life ! Also I do not ant to be with a man who comes around only when he feels like it and thinks I am going to be romantic with him. It is like I am being kept around for his needs alone. I am a strong woman….but I am very giving and loving and I want someone who is the same. I am unselfish, thoughtful and modest and want the same from a guy. personally I don’t think he would even miss me if I was gone ! At least that is how he presents himself ! I am slowly pulling away. Long distance is for some guys a preference because they do not have to deal with reality of a relationship..the ups and down….they only come around when things are fun…..they get to live there lives free from you and come around only when they need something from you…romance. These are men that cannot handle real love or
    real relationships and intimacy. it took me 4 years of heartache to figure it all out ! Don’t settle for less that the best treatment…..and this advise is for both men and women !

  12. @Abby…And this is good advice. Thanks! And hang in there.

  13. i have been in 4 month ldr and still 18 years old. i met a guy when last summer in conference which we previously talked online. i admit that before out meeting he was shy and replied my message so late, ever until 3 weeks. i thought that he is busy and kinda aware of strangers. after meeting together, we keep in touch and there we started ldr. at first, it was exciting that he every day messaged me and other while we used to chat together. now, he told me that he is very very busy and love to read my message. we just never chat together for a month now because his hectic uni. i am confused for wht to do, should i not message him for some time or keep writing him? i really need advise, please. he lives now in usa and i am in asia.

  14. @Levina……It sounds like he’s lost interest. But the only way to know is to let him initiate contact. Stop making it easy for him.

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