So, I’ve known this girl for about seven years now and we live in different countries—not too far mind you, only about 10 hours from each other. We’ve never actually met in person, but have talked to each other a few times over Skype—neither of us are all too comfortable in front of a camera.
Now, we text and IM each other a lot, about 3-5 times daily, with each exchange lasting anywhere from 1-3 hours. We talk about everything. During this time we’ve become really close and there’s almost no topic that is taboo between us.
In the last few months I’ve started having more romantic feelings towards her, but I’m just not sure if it’s reciprocated. When we text and chat, and whatnot, it can sometimes get very flirty, to the point where I’m not sure if she’s being serious anymore. Now, there are several issues I’m having about this, and whether or not to proceed:
1) there’s a bit of an age difference, with me being 9 years older than her.
2) again, I’m not sure if she feels the same way, as she’s an incredibley hard read.
3) I just found out that she’s been dating a guy where she lives for about a month, but she’s not sure if she’s into him.
Now, I’m very conflicted as to whether or not I should tell her how I feel?
I’m not really afraid of rejection because I believe our friendship is strong enough to survive that, but I don’t want to put her in an awkward spot with her current boyfriend because I don’t really believe that’s fair of me. Any advice in this would be greatly appreciated.
We understand your concerns and reservations but all of it is about her and what may or may not make her feel uncomfortable. It’s considerate of you to think of her, but what really should be driving your decision is simply: What do you want? If this relationship could look exactly the way you’d like, what would that be? How would it look? Boyfriend/Girlfriend? Living in the same city? What?
We say this because, for your situation—long distance for seven years—someone, at some point, has to take a risk, otherwise you could go another seven years with no face-to-face contact. Is that what you want? So the first thing we think you need to do is think about what you really want from this. If you’re having difficulty with that task, then write out pros/cons. For example.
Pros of Telling her how you feel:
-She might feel the same way!
-You’ll know where you stand. (Then you can be open to pursuing other women if she doesn’t feel the same way.)
-You won’t have to keep it bottled up inside.
Cons of telling her how you feel:
-She might feel awkward.
-You could possibly lose her friendship
-She might not reciprocate.
Then do the same exercise for NOT telling her.
Whatever you decide to do, you need to understand the consequences of taking that action and be ready to accept them. And since you asked for our opinion we’ll give it, although you’ve got to make your own decision.
Our Advice: If you truly want something more with this woman, then don’t you think you owe it to yourself to go for it? She’s a big girl. She can handle a little awkwardness. And frankly, do you really want this woman as a lifelong friend or do you actually want to be in a romantic relationship with her? Because if you want the latter, eventually you’re going to grow frustrated and resentful by just being friends with her. And think about the future a bit. Let’s say you choose the friends route and don’t tell her. Well, what happens when she meets another guy. Do you really think you’re going to remain best buds while she gets serious with another guy, or gets married? That’s doubtful. Finally, we don’t think your age difference is a factor. It’s not for you, right? Then it probably isn’t for her. And with time, it will become less and less important if you end up together.
Sean, you’ve got to make your own decision here. Think about what you truly want. If it’s just a great friend, then keep things as they are. If you have other ideas of a romantic relationship, then go for it. There are no guarantees in life. Yes, this could completely backfire and you could lose her. But you know the saying, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” That said, you need to be completely comfortable with your decision. If you’re not, then hold off until you are.
We hope it works out for, however you decide to proceed.
Any other questions? Follow-up comments?
ps. We hope you’ll share our site with your friends. Thanks.