Long distance: Should I pursue? (Follow Up question)

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Hi Guys,

It’s Sadie again and I have another(!!) question for you to please ponder. It’s a follow–up to the question I sent you about a month or so ago (“Long Distance: Should I Pursue?”). As it turns out, even though my internships went well in England I decided to come back to Canada for at least another 5 or 6 months. I’m back to seeing my friend who I went to Rome with. My question boils down to the fact that I’m not sure how he genuinely feels about me. I know you’re not mind readers.

So, let me fill you in about what’s been going on with us since I last wrote you. Since then we’ve been pretty much in constant contact—usually Facebook messages a few times a week and the occasional Skype chat. He became better about instigating contact with me, especially if a few days would go by if he hadn’t heard from me. I don’t feel anymore as though I am the one putting in the bulk of the effort to stay in touch. When I got back to Canada a couple weeks ago he didn’t “play it cool” (as I put it last time) by biding his time before calling me; he messaged me on Facebook a few times and as soon as I sent him my new number he texted me then called me the same day; he wasted no time! So we met up last week and had a really fun time; it was pretty much just like before I left. I haven’t seen him since then because we’re both pretty busy right now so I don’t know yet how the dynamic between us will progress now that I’m back for longer than a couple of months.

Fortunately, I followed your advice you gave me before. (Read her first post readers) But now I realize that the position I have put myself in is that of a FWB (Friends with Benefits).

At any rate, before I came back to Canada I told myself I wouldn’t let myself be a friend-with-benefits but evidently I didn’t do a very good job of making that clear! I kept changing my mind as to whether or not I’d be able to be in a FWB relationship with him. On the one hand, I am happy enough to keep it like this because we do get along really well and I really like spending time with him. I really do value his friendship and I don’t want to risk losing the closeness I have with him if I cut out the intimacy factor. I’m not sure if he would still put in the consistent effort that he does to spend time with me if we kept our friendship platonic. If he were to tell me that he wanted to actually commit to me I’d have no hesitation for that. I know that’s what I want from him but I’m almost thinking if that’s what I want at the end of the day then maybe I should keep it status quo and see if anything progresses?

But that this leads me to total confusion. How does he actually feel about me? Whenever I talk about how he is with me people always think it sounds really positive with potential. But when I did address “us” with him his response boiled down to that he’s not sure if he can be committed in a relationship at this time. Fair enough – but maybe he’s letting me down nicely. He told me he cares about me and he’s sweet with me; and he makes a better effort to see me etc etc On the surface it does kind of seem as though he wants to date me. My take on FWB relationships is that, in general, the friends don’t necessarily feel a super strong enough connection to want anything much more than what they’re already getting out of the relationship. Stemming from that perspective, I’m not really sure about how much they genuinely care about each other. I see those relationships as the kind to most likely just fizzle out because I think that there should be more of a build up or gradual progression in a serious relationship. I know that if he were to tell me tomorrow that he has met someone and wants to start dating her I’d be very upset but I’m not sure how upset he’d be if I told him tomorrow that I met someone and was going to pursue a committed relationship with a new guy. And even though I know I should ask I really don’t want to bring this up because I’ve already had this sort of talk with him before. Should I just maintain this friend-with-benefits relationship and just hope it doesn’t totally fizzle??

Sorry this was so long winded, but in a nutshell I am really hoping you can give me your perspective about how you think he feels about me. Should I just keep it as a FWB situation with him in hopes it might progress into something down the road? I should mention that I’m really good at keeping myself busy and I’m still keeping my eyes open for something more substantial, but on that front I won’t let anything go too fast. ( Lol!) I don’t think I’ll let myself miss opportunities for this one guy I’m fixated on right now even if it stays status quo.



Dear Sadie, 

Nice to hear from you again. Thanks for your question.

Here’s a progression for you to ponder:

Phase 1: Friendship
Phase 2: Friends with Benefits
Phase 3: One person—often the woman—starts to develop strong feelings beyond physical intimacy. (Emotional connection)
Phase 4: Frustration and confusion ensue
Phase 5: Heartache

We don’t see a happy ending to this situation Sadie. Sure he likes you, and might treat you well when he sees you, but we don’t see this developing beyond exactly what it is: a fun booty call for him.

If you’re staying in this relationship hoping it’s going to progress into something more serious we think you should move on. If you really think you can handle being in this situation and have fun with it, then continue the status quo. On the one hand you say you’re happy enough to have some sort of relationship with him, but then in the same breath you say you’d totally jump at being in a relationship with him if he asked you. This disparity troubles us. It seems clear to us that you want something more from this guy. (And we think it’s pretty clear to you as well.) And honestly if he’s just sweet and friendly with you because he’s getting “benefits” we just can’t see what you’re really getting from this. If this was just about sex, we imagine you could find many a willing partner for that .

We understand that you care for this guy and really want this to turn into a committed relationship, but from what we can tell, all the signs point to this remaining exactly as it is. And ultimately we see you being dissatisfied with this arrangement, and maybe even hurt by it.

Keep us posted. And good luck.


ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!



7 Comments on Long distance: Should I pursue? (Follow Up question)

  1. Guys, you are totally right! I think he’s happy with the status quo and that will inevitably end up me being annoyed and potentially missing out on other opportunities. My friends concur with your advice 🙂

  2. @Sadie….glad we could help. Good luck and keep us posted on what’s going on with you.

  3. Kaitlin // May 6, 2012 at 8:05 pm //

    Hello. I recently connected with a friend I have known for a couple of years when I visited his city. Totally unexpectedly, we hooked up but didn’t have sex. We chatted a lot for the next two weeks, initiated by him almost always. I am not that attracted to him physically but he is so nice and funny so I started to actually like him. I had another trip planned back to his city before I even hooked up with him so we planned to hang out when I was back. We had such a great time hanging out and ended up having sex. He texted me that day and we talked for a while. I mentioned that he should visit me and he seemed into it but he doesn’t know anyone in my city, so it would be more of a commitment for him to visit me. Whereas, I go to his city all of the time because of family and friends so it would be less awkward. Since we have had sex, I didn’t hear from him for a week and a half so I decided to text him and see how he was. He responded right away acting very excited and telling me he was just thinking about me. We talked for a little and then it just ended. It has been another 2 weeks and I have not heard from him. I don’t think I want a serious relationship but if he doesn’t put any effort in here, it can’t go anywhere at all. Does the fact that he hasn’t contacted me mean he isn’t interested or that he doesn’t want anything serious? Or is there a possibility he doesn’t even know how I feel? What are your thoughts on this? Should I just forget about him or do you think I should give it another shot. I agree that if he doesn’t call, he just isn’t that into you but when we do talk he seems like he is. Someone suggested maybe he doesn’t think I am into it so he doesn’t see the point in putting any effort into it. I really like him and think its more than a stupid crush. What are your thoughts and please be honest. Thanks!

  4. @Kaitlin……..It’s not the best sign that he’s not contacting you, especially because your communication changed AFTER you had sex. But from what you describe of him, it is possible he feels insecure. If he’s just an average looking guy maybe he hasn’t had a lot of attention from women, especially a woman like yourself. If you really care about continuing this, why don’t you just be honest with him? Let him know you initially didn’t really want anything, but you’ve developed feelings for him which came as a nice surprise. And that you’d be open to exploring this relationship more. Then see what he says. If you get a luke warm response then you’ll know where you stand and you don’t have to waste any more energy on this. And it’s better to know now instead of later. If his response is positive then let him take the reigns for awhile. Let him be the initiator. Feel free to ask us a follow up question, or another question anytime. Please let your friends know about us. You also might enjoy reading the contributions by guest writers on the “Relationship Memoirs” page. Thanks! Hope this helps.

  5. Kaitlin // May 7, 2012 at 12:30 pm //

    Thanks for your first response. I agree that the fact that the communication changed AFTER we had sex is a bad sign but I think the main reason for that was because he knew I was coming back so we were talking about that etc. and it was something we had to look forward to. Now there is no planned visit so I understand but I still want to continue to talk so that silence is disappointing. He is average looking but has a great personality and I do not think he has any problem getting girls. He had a girlfriend for like 5 years and they broke up about a year ago but are still friends. In short, I would not say he is desperate. I just think that he may not know how I feel but if he liked me enough to put in the effort wouldn’t he just try anyway (going along with the whole idea that if he is into you, HE WILL CONTACT YOU). Additionally, if I did tell him how I feel, wouldn’t that be a turn off because don’t guys like a challenge? I hate playing games but I feel like it is vital, especially in the beginning of a relationship to act aloof and not interested. If I did tell him, could I do it through text message? That seems to be a little childish but I don’t think I can exactly call him on the phone since we have never really talked on the phone and it would be so out of the blue. I was thinking I could kind of hint that I am into exploring a relationship without saying it which would be a little more coy but I am not sure how to go about that? Like how can I word a message that tells him how I feel without being so direct? I am nervous about being rejected too! Let me know your feedback. Thanks so much for you help!!

  6. @Kaitlin……We only suggested you tell him how you feel because we thought maybe he was feeling insecure. But now that you say that’s not likely the case, yes, you need to be a bit more subtle about your correspondence. Yes, coy. Possibly humorous/flirty? We’re just a bit thrown by his lack of response, and the fact that he’s letting all this time go by without contacting you. Is he waiting for you to visit his city again? If so, does this mean he’s into you when it’s convenient, but he’s not willing to put forth the energy, time, possibly money, to come see you? We’re not trying to be negative about this, but we’re really trying to put ourselves in his shoes. And since you wrote to us, we want to try and help you see this from all sides. We just don’t want you to get into some type of “booty call” or “FWB” situation because we know that’s not what you really want. Thoughts?

  7. Hey guys, I’m at a loss and need your input. I met “N” while visiting mutual friends 2 months ago at their home. Amidst drinks we started talking, hit it off, and stayed up till dawn talking. Eventually hooked up. This kind of connection is extremely rare and ONS thing non-existent. In the heat of the moment I thought live the moment and went for it. Chalked it up to experience and the unlikeliness of ever seeing him again (we live in different continents 10+ hours flight away). When he left he wrote his number on my phone with an msg I didn’t get. I asked he answered wished me good night. Woke up to a sweet good morning txt. Talk about bad timing I would leave to continue my trip before he returned and would return for one night before heading home. He texted during my travels, I wrote once I got back. My phone went dead, didn’t get his msg on time and didn’t see him again. Cross continent flight later I receive msgs wishing me a good trip and hoping to see me soon in either my country or his. We kept in touch every couple of days or once a week, msgs ranging from normal to sexy to sensual to provocative. Sometimes convos last days due to time difference and response times. He invites me to go back (I can’t since I just got back), he spoke of visiting in xmas. Words of I like you, infatuation and such were exchanged. He says he loves my little txts, etc. Lately he doesn’t initiate contact but when I do I get really positive responses. During last txt He answered a week later due to phone trouble (true cause whatsapp wouldn’t go through) saying he could think of several ways to make it up to me, I answered that I was counting on it and was almost thinking of sending a rescue mission. Again, whatsapp failure for a week, msg finally went through 3 days ago and nothing. It’s been 2 weeks since we last spoke, nothing has happened for silence and I was the last one to write. Realistically, I figured things would slow down, tried convincing myself it was a fling but find I can’t stop thinking about him.

    Any idea of how I should proceed? (Sorry this got longer than anticipated)

    THANK YOU sooo much !

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