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Here are the six relationship questions we answered on on our latest podcast:
Sarah is beginning to have a change of heart. Now that her man wants to introduce her to his family, she’s unsure how she feels about it.
Dan wonders whether or not he’s being played by the single mom he has recently started dating.
Miss Lady’s boyfriend turned down a trip to Vegas with her, but after his guy friends ask him he’s all in. Now what?
Jenny’s man cheated on her with seven to ten different women, but she still loves him. Why would he do that?
Emily has an admirer, at least that’s what her loving friends tell her. Are they right she wonders?
Riya is confused about a guy from work. They date; he decides it’s not going to work; but then he keeps texting even after she’s moved on. She is curious why he still is trying to be “friends.”
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Last week’s questions:
This week’s questions:
I’ll be as thorough as possible because this girl is really unique. She is unlike any girl I’ve ever met. So anyway, we’ve known of each other for about 3 years. She lives about an hour away from me, but I have a close buddy that lives down there and we met through him. We only really saw each other when I’d go visit him and that was pretty rare, but I think my buddy was slightly jealous because she would talk about me a lot. So finally, she and I found out we were going to the same school and she hits me up wanting to hang out. I agreed, I didn’t really know anyone on campus but I sure as hell wasn’t going to just sit in my dorm all semester. So I went out and we went on a walk and it was actually really fun.
This walking thing started happening 2-4 times a week. Now keep in mind, I think she’s really hot but at the time we started going on walks I didn’t have feelings for her nor was I interested. I thought she was a little immature and somewhat naive, but the conversation was still great.
So the semester started in September, and by November we became really close. I was telling her stuff I couldn’t even tell my buddies and she was telling me stuff she couldn’t even tell her best friends. So essentially we became best friends that semester. Oh by the way, in October she made a slip and said she had a boyfriend that she’s been seeing since the start of the semester, who lives at home.
Anyway, come November, she’d always tell me how shitty her boyfriend was and stuff and I’d just sit there asking her why she deals with it. She’d tell me things she does for him and that he doesn’t even appreciate her. Anyway, because of these stories and us sharing so many interests, I really started to have feelings for her.
(Note to readers: We are going to sum up Ryan’s situation)(Note to Ryan: We had to shorten your note a bit, but our comments reflect your entire question.)
We started hanging out more and more and became closer and closer. We even started holding hands and kissing. But the thing is she still had this boyfriend that she wouldn’t break up with. After a while I told her it was too difficult to hang out with her knowing she had a boyfriend. Over spring break we didn’t talk much and it was hard on both of us. When school started up again we started hanging out again and it was great. It’s almost as if she’s my girlfriend but not really. We don’t have sex, but we do hug, kiss, and hold hands. She complains about her boyfriend more and more, even crying and saying she doesn’t know what to do.
I really like this girl and I don’t want to loser, even if it means we’ll just be friends. But my heart wants so much more.
So here are my question(s).
1) Am I not seeing the big picture here?
2) She’s mentioned she’s going to break up with him but has not. This is her first relationship and I know how hard it is to break up with your first “love” so should I show sympathy or be pissed she hasn’t broken up with him yet?
3) Is there a game plan I can assemble to make her dump him? Normally I don’t play the d-bag that does that, but he’s a real scum bag and treats her like dirt. She isn’t treated the way she deserves.
4) Would everyone agree here that there’s something more than just feelings of friendship between us? Or do you see me getting played by this girl?
Thanks for the very detailed question.
You’re definitely not getting played if you’ve described everything accurately, which we assume you have. It’s obvious from what you say that both of you have strong feelings for one another. In fact we’d go so far as to say, you both feel equally strong about one another.
We have to be honest and say that it does bother us that she is being unfaithful to her boyfriend. We’d hate the same thing to happen to you down the road if she were to leave him and be with you. We wish she were strong enough to break up with him first and then be with you, or just tell you that she can’t hang out with you and stay with her boyfriend. The fact that she has one foot in both places reflects her inability to make difficult decisions; although she is young and sometimes life just happens. We’ll just assume your assessment of her character is clearer than ours. So let’s address your questions.
Ryan, you need to ask yourself what’s stopping her from breaking up with her boyfriend? If he’s that lame, why hasn’t she broken it off yet? Sure, he’s her first “love” but this has been going on for long enough don’t you think? A lot of people are afraid to break up with someone because they don’t like being lonely. (In her case, she has someone who’s willing and waiting.) Some people don’t break up for fear of hurting the other person, but she’s already done that by starting a pseudo-relationship with you. So what gives? You need to really understand what’s going on with her. Have you asked her directly what’s stopping her? This needs to be discussed.
We don’t think you should formulate some game plan to get her to break up with her boyfriend; that’s not a good idea. If you do that and she thinks you’ve influenced her before she was ready to break it off, it will only lead to resentment down the road. She needs to figure this out herself. If she chooses you over him, you will be much happier. And if it doesn’t work out, then she’s not the right girl for you anyway.
Ryan, you’ve got a real nice thing with this girl. We think you need to tell her how you feel about her, and what you really want. Don’t pretend you’re okay with being friends with her, when you really want her to be your girlfriend. Be straightforward and honest with her, AND with yourself. It’s okay to ask for what you want. We encourage it. Sure, there are no guarantees in life, but you don’t want to look back with regret.
If nothing changes after you talk with her, it might be time to pull back a little. In some ways you’re a bit too accessible to her. Right now she gets to have your friendship, and have her boyfriend too. And sometimes people have a hard time making big decisions when there’s too much in front of them. If you make yourself a bit more scarce, she might have some room to really assess how she feels about you, and her boyfriend, and then make a decision that is right for her, and hopefully right for you as well. This doesn’t mean play hardball. Don’t remove yourself entirely and play some game with her. She needs to know that you still care for her, and that you’ll be there for her, but she also needs to know that the current situation is not working for you.
Keep your eye on the prize Ryan, but you may have to let it out of your sight before you actually get to have it.
Good luck and keep us posted. We’re rooting for you.