Long distance, work situation: Is he interested in me or just being nice?

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Dear Guys,

Please enlighten me!

I met a guy through work almost a year ago that I really like and would like to get to know better. We live in different states, and communicate via text, IM, and e-mails.

Typically I am the one who initiates the conversation (not always), but he ALWAYS responds no matter how random the message. Also, he sent me a pic when I requested one. Would a guy do that if he weren’t interested? Or is he just being nice, and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings??  I even told him once that I felt he was giving off mixed signals and it was okay if he wasn’t interested…I’m a big girl and can handle it, blah, blah, blah. Instead of confirming or denying interest, he asked what I meant and that he didn’t think he was doing that.

All of the guys I’ve asked so far have said the same thing…that no one is that nice. If he wasn’t interested there is no way he would keep responding, especially for this long.

My girlfriends all say very different things ranging from “he’s interested” to “he has a girlfried” to “you are reading more into it”, etc.

Guys, What do you think??  Is he interested, or am I reading more into the situation than there is because I want there to be more??

Is it possible that we are both too guarded and cautious and waiting for a more direct and honest approach before opening up to each other? If that’s the case should I write a letter and put it all out there, or is that too desperate? I am desperate for the truth, not for a boyfriend…(I get asked out all the time), but there is just something about this guy that has captured my attention.

Your advice would be greatly appreciated!



Dear AJ,

Thanks for your question.

Typically if a guy doesn’t take the initiative to move a “relationship” forward we would say he’s probably not interested. However in your case, since it is a long distance situation, that maxim doesn’t apply.

How confident do you think this guy is? From our point of view it’s hard to say. Sure, he might be savvy via text and email but that doesn’t mean he feels comfortable closing the deal. And when you factor in your work connection, he may be at a loss on the best way to proceed.

When a guy asks a woman to marry him he’s usually pretty certain that she’ll say yes. A non sequitur? Not really. Because some guys want this same level of certainty even before they ask a girl out on a date. (Think high school) Maybe their ego can’t handle rejection? Either way, this particular type of guy needs some help. Your guy may fall into this group.

We agree with your guy friends. We don’t think he’d be wasting his time for this long unless he was interested in you in some way. But if that’s true we can also see why you’re confused. You’re probably wondering, ‘What is taking him so long? Why is he not asking me out? What’s his deal?’ And that’s why we understand where your girlfriends are coming from too. He’s a bit of a mystery.

So here’s what we think. This guy needs you to be the one to take the risk. Of course, really, what is the risk? Rejection? Embarrassment? Those are only risks for a person who lacks inner strength. Sure it’s never fun to be rejected, but what’s the worst that can happen here? Not much really. You feel crappy for a bit and then you move on. But at least you’ll get the information you’re seeking.

However, we don’t think you should write him a “tell all” letter. Just let him know you’re interested in more than a text/IM relationship. You could drop hints, but why be ambiguous? Tell him directly that you find him intriguing and let him know you’d be open if he wanted to arrange a visit, etc.

But DON’T do the asking yourself. He’s got to take some initiative. You’re basically doing 90% of the work here anyway. If he can’t do the last 10% then he’s not who you think he is.

Good luck. And please leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond to you here as well. And please also keep us posted. You’ve piqued our curiosity. We want to know how this turns out.


ps. Let your friends know about us. And please consider a donation to THE GUYS. (PayPal button.)



17 Comments on Long distance, work situation: Is he interested in me or just being nice?

  1. Well he has said “love you” and “love ya” a couple times…. But knowing males I’m sure it probably is meant to be casual. Also he is remodeling his house and has said he would “I’ll put that [ various thing] in the house for you”… So probably just a friendly gesture. Ok, thanks! I’ll just back off and leave him alone and see if he does anything… Thanks for the male perspective!

  2. @Gail….Hopefully he’ll step up to the plate. Keep us posted. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends. Thanks.

  3. Hey Guys,

    I have a similar situation to AJ’s. There’s a guy I’ve known for a couple years because we met at a sports camp we worked at as leaders for – we didn’t really start bonding until this last summer at the camp. Anyway at the time we were both in relationships with other people. But this summer as well we also went through terrible breakups and somewhat relied on one another. We’re super close friends although I reach out to initiate most conversations but he ALWAYS replies.

    Anyway, he’s just saying stuff I believe isn’t what you’d exactly say to a girl you see as just a friend. When we Snap he says I’m beautiful when I joke around and say I’m ugly or whatnot. And he even facetimed me to help pick out an outfit for a party since I was stumped on what to wear. Not only that but he encourages me and is always there when I have my anxiety and panic attacks, self harm issues and even guy problems since I’ve been on a couple dates with other people. But all this time I keep thinking of him. We even say “love you.”

    I had something like this happen before where I put myself out and got rejected by a long distance crush and I’m scared to do it again because I don’t want to get hurt or lose him as a friend. What do you guys think I should do?

    Louise aka Lou 🙂

  4. @Louisa…….When’s the next time you’ll see him? Next summer? How far do you live from one another? (How old are you/him?) We’ll respond after we hear back from you.

  5. @Guys Not sure when I’m going to see him next actually. I will be taking summer classes next year to graduate early. He’s in the Boise area and I’m in Portland! We’re both the same age 21!

  6. @Louisa……For now, we’d stay the course. Let him lead in any sort of declaration about a new direction in your relationship. Also, another thought. Be careful not to involve him too much into your personal issues……anxiety, panic attacks, self-harm. He might be a big support and that’s great, but that doesn’t mean he’ll want to take on those issues in a relationship. Question: Are you getting some professional guidance with some of your issues? If not, you might want to think about it. We’re just trying to be supportive and honest. We were concerned when you mentioned them. You take care Louisa.

  7. @Guys Thanks so much! Your words have helped! I don’t involve him too much because I visit my therapist often so most of the time if I do mention it it’s not a lot of detail! Thanks for checking in on me, it really means a lot and I will keep you updated on how things go!

  8. I have met a military guy when I went on a vacation and he was stationed there. I liked him and we continued to talk even when I went back to my country. He wants me to visit him but it is just too expensive for me and also difficult to get a visa. He has been asking me when I’ll visit his country for 2 years now and I keep telling him my reasons why it would be easier if he visits me instead. How can I make him understand that the only way for us to see each other again is HIM going to where I am. Thanks.

  9. @Diana…..Your instincts are good. He needs to step it up and make the effort to come see you. Why not just be perfectly honest with him? Instead of saying it will be easier for him to visit, tell him that if he wants to give this a shot, he needs to SHOW you that he’s serious and he doesn’t just want you to visit for sex. (Believe us, that’s on his mind.) What do you think? Questions: Where do you live? Where does he live? How old are the two of you?

  10. Not Good at This // July 4, 2018 at 6:13 pm //

    Hey guys, hoping you can help. I met a guy at a company conference. It felt like we had an instant connection as the banter began immediately, but I didn’t get a chance to talk to him much until the last day, at which point we sat and talked for almost 3 hours. We share a lot of the same interests (we are both video game nerds, to make a big one) and have a very similar sense of humor. Before he left, we exchanged phone numbers and have typically been exchanging texts daily since parting ways. He lives like 12 hours from me. Now, I’m not one to say “immediate chemistry” but that’s what i imagine it would feel like. Our messages have been fun and we talked on the phone at least once. However, I’m not sure what to do now. I like him quite a bit and wouldn’t mind exploring the relationship (if there is one). I’m not sure if I should tell him this or even how to tell him this. What do I do? How do I know if he is interested? He doesn’t always initiate the conversation but he usually responds. Is he being friendly? I don’t want to get friend-zoned but I don’t know if it is too early to throw my hat in the ring so to speak, or if it would wreck any potential development by saying something after only 2 weeks.

  11. @Not Good At This…..We’d suggest you pull back a little and let him start initiating more. Or rather, pull back and SEE if he starts to initiate more. That will be your first test at gauging his interest. Question: Did he ask for your phone number or did you initiate the exchange? When you talked on the phone did you call him, or did he call you?

  12. Not good at it and also confused // July 13, 2018 at 3:13 pm //

    Hi guys! Thanks for replying. I did pull back a bit and once he got back we resumed our conversations. I believe he asked for my number and he is the one who actually called me. I thought he was just going to text me about what was going all but he just ended up calling and we talked about it briefly, but spent about an hour just chitchatting. We like to banter and poke fun at each other a lot. Most recently, we’ve been talking on Snapchat and he was out having some drinks earlier in the evening and told me I was cute and adorable and then randomly called me again. Unsure what to think, since he was maybe tipsy but also the next day nothing was said about the conversation or comments from the night before. He also mentioned in passing that there were some jobs possibly available in our company near him. Friends are saying interested, but it sounds like even if he is, the distance is a hang up for him. What does this sound like to you? What should I do?

  13. @Not So Good at It…..It sounds like he’s attracted to you and is enjoying your banter. Is it anything more than that? Well, that’s hard to say. What we suggest is that you continue doing what you’re doing. Meaning, have fun with this. Flirt, tease, laugh, enjoy. But DO NOT be the one to suggest anything more. He’s got to be, otherwise you’re not really going to know how he feels. If he doesn’t suggest a get together in the next few months, then you’ll know he’s being realistic about this, and just wants to have fun flirting with you. Good luck. Keep us posted. And check out our new e-book on Amazon. Click the link on our site.

  14. I am in a similar situation. I recently reconnected with an old college friend after not talking for 10 years. We met up just to catch up but at the end of the night, he kissed me and there was obvious attraction/flirting. He lives 1.5 hr flight away. We haven’t texted much after but met up again 6 months later- again, kissed me and there was obvious attraction but still, we haven’t been regularly texting and I don’t know if he thinks this is a fling or if he’s actually interested in me. I may see him again in a month when he is in my city. Should I let him know that I like him and ask what he’s thinking or does that sound desperate? If so, how should I even start the conversation?

  15. @miss C…..It doesn’t sound desperate to us. That said, it would be much better if HE brought it up rather than you. The fact that he hasn’t expressed interest in you, and hasn’t kept up the texting, says that he’s likely quite happy kissing and flirting with you occasionally, but not interested in something more, or not interested in starting a long distance relationship with you or anyone. That said, what have you got to lose? Nothing ventured, nothing gained. What do you think?

  16. Thanks for your reply! Ideally, I agree- it would be great if he starts the conversation when I see him. I really do want to tell him how I feel, just to get it out of my system but I don’t know how to start the conversation..any ideas/suggestions? Should I just straight up tell him I like him and ask what he’s thinking? I don’t want it to sound passive aggressive or pressuring him to say something kind back. Part of me is also afraid that he is too nice to reject me directly but because I’m bringing it up that he would say something nice back and then we would go back to our cities and then not text regularly again… I’m really new at this and have never dated so any suggestions would be great!

  17. @MissC…..Clearly there’s attraction, but the rest is unclear. And we’ll be honest, it’s not the best sign that he doesn’t communicate much when he’s back in his city. How do you bring it up? Hmm…..what about using a little humor? Kind of joke around and see if he wants to do what you’re doing a little more often. Then see how he reacts, or what he says. You’ll be able to judge from his reaction where he’s at, and that will inform you on whether or not you should continue the conversation or drop it. Of course, if you don’t say much things will remain as is. If you do say something, the whole thing could end, but then again, it might change for the better. Sorry. Without being there, it’s hard to give you a stock answer on what to say. But keep it light.

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