Love or friendship?

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Listen to our latest podcast:

Episode 36: You Tube sensation, a father’s appreciation, pajamas in public


Dear Guys,

So this is a long story but here we go.. I’m in need on an emergency session! I was with my boyfriend for five years, and we moved in with my best friend and her boyfriend of two years. My friend and her boyfriend ended up splitting due to her being unfaithful. But me, my boyfriend, and her ex ended up keeping the house. After a few months I noticed that I started developing feelings for my roommate(her ex) and I asked my best friends their opinions.

My best friend of fifteen years moved in with us and knowingly started to go after my roommate just because I had a boyfriend. They hooked up like two times and eventually I found out and it really hurt me.

I recently broke up with my boyfriend and my roommate and I have been hooking up-like ALL the way. I really like him,  and he said he likes me but I just feel like I might be getting played. My best friend still lives with me but unfortunately we do not speak at all due to some rumors I found out to be true. Also, I’m going to end up losing my other friend who dated my roommate previously once she finds out we hooked up. I really feel amazing to be single again. I’m only 20 years old and after five years I feel so liberated. But at the same time I really do like this guy. I feel like we should take it slow because he could be the one. I never pictured myself with a guy like this, but I’m completely baffled by him and just really need some advice. My emotions and nerves are everywhere.



Dear Cort,

Thanks for writing to us. Sorry you are so frazzled.

But our first reaction is: wow!? If we read your note correctly, you and two of your friends have either dated or hooked up with your current roommate. Does that mean there aren’t a lot of eligible guys where you live, or is this one particular guy that special?

Let’s chat about your friends first. In the world of guys there is a code of conduct when it comes to hitting on women that your buddies have expressed interest in. (Meaning it’s a no, no.) And most guys adhere to this policy. But it sounds like anything goes with you and your friends. When your girlfriend moved in with you did you tell her you were interested in your roommate? If you did, and she still hooked up with him, she doesn’t seem like much of a friend. But on the flip side, you can’t expect people to be hands off some guy you’re possibly interested in when you have a boyfriend yourself. That’s a bit unrealistic.

As far as this guy goes, he’s got it made. He has women throwing themselves at him and he doesn’t even have to leave his apartment. He must feel like one lucky guy. That doesn’t make him a player, more an opportunist. But in your case, neither is all that savory.

We know you say you have feelings for this guy, but you have a lot of sorting out to do. First you need to figure out who your friends are and what role they’re playing in your dating life? Then you need to decide what you really want? Do you want to be single and play the field, or do you want to be in a relationship with this guy? And if you want to be in a relationship with him, do you want it to be exclusive? Because right now he has no reason to change his behavior.

The only way to see what might happen is to let him know you’re interested. Talk to him. See where his head’s at. The problem is that you’ve already set up one type of relationship with him, and sometimes it’s difficult to make a change from one type of relationship-a hook up- to a more serious and committed relationship. It’s more than likely he’ll file away the pleasant memories of this moment in time, and then move on and find a girl he wants to be serious with.

The only way to find out is by putting yourself out there and taking a risk. We wish you the best. It’s not pleasant to do that, but it’s necessary. If it doesn’t work out, you’re probably better off moving out of your apartment and starting over fresh.

Good luck,




6 Comments on Love or friendship?

  1. Hey guys, thanks so much for responding as soon as you did. Well, just to catch you up.. my ex best friend ended up moving out about a week ago, and me and her still havent talked. It really hurts me, but honestly I have been having a great time getting out and partying. As for the ‘guy”. We still live in the house together, and are looking for another roomate to fill the 3rd bedroom. We are still hooking up, and he has been so sweet to me these last few weeks. BUT, as far as talking about us being in a relationship, still nothing has been said. I want to say something.. just to see where all this hooking up is leading too, but i dnt want to seem needy or feel like im pressuring him. If its not to much to ask, I could use a little more of yal’s wonderful insight (:

  2. @Cort……Are you waiting for him to say something? Like we said, he has a great situation going. So you need to say something if you really want to know what’s going on.
    If you’re really this worried about it not working out if you do say something, then maybe you already know what’s going to happen.
    If hadn’t hooked up with him we might say it was too soon, but since the two of you have been intimate for a while now, it’s crazy not to question what’s going on.
    You may not get the answer you’re looking for, but at least you’ll get some answers. And it seems to us, that you’d really like some answers.
    But you do what you need to. Keep us posted.

  3. so guys just wanted to keep ya posted on how tings have been going & guess what? things have been going great with me and him! I finally got up enough nerve to ask him where me and him stand. & he told me he really likes me, just didnt want to rush me into another relationship so soon seeing as i just got out of a 5 year relationship a few months ago. He told me when the times right, he will for sure ask me to be his girlfriend. We haven’t made it “official” yet, but we act like a couple more than ever now, and us waiting is totally fine with me. && last nite he asked me when we move out of the house in August if I’d want to get an apartment, just the two of us. Im so happy with him & I see things only getting better from here on out. I just wanted to thank yal so much for helping me, bc if not I mite not have ever gotten any where. What yal guys do for people is an amazing thing, yal are awesome! so once again thanks so much 🙂

  4. @Cort… are very welcome. We’re glad things are going so well. Keep in touch. And let people know about us. Thanks.

  5. Hi guys, my issue is that i have started sleeping with my ex best mates, ex boyfriend but he was initially my friend before her. I stopped talking to my best friend about 2 years ago. Me and her boyfriend still spoke and chilled with each-other regulaly i was also in a relationship so thoughts of me and him doing anything sexual wasn’t even thinkable. Me and him lost contact as he went to jail and had a disagreement with my boyfriend. we came back into contact whilst he was in jail and became very close, conversating on a day to day basis for hours and hours. when we saw each other after his release he was very touchy feely stroking my hands and face, wrapped in each others arms, we cannot keep our hands off each other, all that touching turned into sex and now we are basically friends with benefits. I made it clear that i will not be sleeping with no1 but him and if he has intentions of sleeping with any1 he should make it clear, he says he only wants to fuck me, as we spend more time together i seem to be gaining feelings and he is constantly on my mind. whilst he was in jail he told me he didn’t want a relationship for now as he had just broke up with my ex best mate a few months back and i had also separated from my partner so i was not looking for a relationship either(this was just us generally speaking)since he has come out he has seen his ex he openly told me that she tried to arouse him but he couldnt get a erection and he wasnt interested at all, she has called him a few times wile ive been around and he has totally dissed her saying she is not his girl and to stop calling him he does it infront of me he said to show that he isnt a liar because i kept speculating that they might hook up again. i reaally like him but r friendship is precious to me. i dunno what he’s thinking and thats what confuses me but im to scared to ask. we have had to keep our lil thing on the d/l as so many people know his ex and it would be a disaster for both of us if anyone found out. wot do i do?

  6. @nallah…….You’re walking a fine a line right now. If your best friend finds out she’s not going to be happy. Do you think it will end your relationship with her? Because in essence that’s what you’re choosing here. Him or her? So it’s your call. As per him. Well, he just got out of jail. Understandably, he’s a long way from being interested in a serious relationship. He’s likely trying to piece his life back together, get over his ex, and be free to make his own decisions. You’re exactly what he needs right now. Fun and sex. But we’re not so sure if it will progress into anything more. And if it does, it won’t be for a long while.

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