Men and their Guy Trips

If you have relationship questions, leave us a note here on the Ask the Guys page. We’ll do our best to answer it. However, due to the large number of questions, we can’t get to every one.

Consider a donation to The Guys. We put a lot of time into giving thoughtful and informative answers to your questions.

Thanks so much.

Also, check out our latest podcast. The Guy’s Perspective Podcast.

Subscribe and listen on itunes. Give us a five star rating on itunes and be eligible to win two thumb drives with all of our podcast episodes already loaded on.

Wednesday’s Question:

Did he ever care at all?

Monday’s Question:

Four years and counting: What’s he thinking?

Last week’s questions:

Is cheating ex playing me?

High school dating: Am I hot or not?

Relationship Advice: Committed or not committed?

Four Years of Mixed Messages

Dear Guys,

I’ve been dating a guy exclusively for a year and 3 months. Within the first year he went on 3 “guy trips” to Miami twice and Vegas once. I was uncomfortable with each, and made that clear. However, I wanted to respect his manhood and allow him to go with complete trust. I am sure he danced here and there but I did not question him when he got back either of the times. I kept it to myself.

Well, except the Vegas trip. One of his friends posted the dreaded trip on his Facebook page. As you can imagine, pictures can tell a thousand words. I confronted him on how embarrassed I was about the way he behaved- as if he were a single man. He barely defended himself because he claims he was drunk and didn’t even know people were taking pictures. Clearly he was drunk posing with one of his “home girls” holding her hair back and pretending to bend her over. That was embarrassing to me. He claims it was 100% innocent. I feel he was innocent, but it shows me that he when inhibitions are down (he is 29 by the way), that his behavior is not respectful of me. I am out of sight out of mind. Or maybe, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?

I am forgiving, but this coming July, the trend is starting once again. My question is, how do I go about dealing with this notion in my head that in July 2011, he is going to Miami for the same reason others go in July? He says it is a guys trip, but on the past 2 trips, magically his “home girls” are there to meet up. Some of these girls he hasn’t seen in years. And now this is becoming an annual Miami reunion. As his girlfriend, is this in a normal long term relationship excusable? Should I be okay with this?

I want to understand my man, and be okay with his guy trips, but I am unsure if I am just being naive. It is hard to take advice from women, because most of my friends do not trust their men. I know he is a good guy, maybe he makes stupid decisions when he is drunk; but I know he means well when it comes to me. But in terms of the respect factor, I do not know how to bring the conversation up with him.

Do I ask him that this be his last guy trip, or do I ask him not to drink? Won’t he rebel? My girlfriend (one of them) claims that he is taking advantage of me and I am “too nice” for letting him go on all these trips. When he made it a goal of his in 2011 to move out of his mothers house (They are Indian) and get his own place for US I was happy. But so far, he is more interested in his Miami trip than this move. He has plenty of money, so money is not the issue. I think it’s his priorities. However I don’t want to force him to not do what makes him happy. This is where my friends think I am wrong. Apparently he is having his cake and eating it too. Any insight? I asked him numerous times would he rather be single and get this stuff out of his system, but he says the clubbing is out of his system, and this is just a guys’ trip-an annual trip. He LOVES to travel with his guys. Side note: his boys are all single. They always are, or they magically break up with their girls before they go. Mine doesn’t want to break up when he goes. He pretty much calls me on the regular. Would I be wrong to give him an ultimatum when he goes, and tell him to think about if these trips are more important then the relationship we have? And ask him to think about it an decide between the trips and/or me?


Dear Nicole,

Thanks for your question. We think you’ve hit upon something that a lot of women wonder about. So we’re going to explore the Guy Trip in general, and then address your specific question.

If a guy loves a woman they will pretty much do whatever it takes to keep her happy. But the emasculation factor is high here; so sometimes we need a break to strut our stuff, and prove to ourselves and our buddies, that we still have a drop of testosterone left in our bodies. Now typically, playing pool at a bar, or going to a baseball game, or frequenting the local “watering hole” is enough for us. For a few hours we preen and posture with our boys, reassert our manhood, and feel whole again. But sometimes these little medieval jaunts aren’t enough, and we need to put on full scale armor and do a little jousting. Enter the Guy Trip.

A Guy Trip is needed when our estrogen levels have risen to dangerous heights, and the levy is close to breaking; or when a shot of testosterone won’t do it, and a full fledged blood transfusion is needed. Guys will then plan some outlandish trip where they live in a semi-altered state for a weekend or longer, that allows them revert back to when they were single, living on pizza, drinking beer in the morning, gawking at women(hopefully not touching, but sometimes), and doing all the foolish things they remember as being fun. Typically after a few days, this behavior gets old, and they realize it’s not their manhood they were searching for, but their youth. And then they are happy to reinsert themselves back into their lives, content for the moment.

But having said all that, we agree with your girlfriends for the most part. Just because guys need these types of trips occasionally, doesn’t mean Vegas or Miami should always be the destination. A Vegas trip might be okay once-say for a special bachelor party, or for a big high school reunion or something like that-but not for a yearly jaunt. We’re not saying your man is actually doing something that undermines your relationship-although we’re not saying he isn’t either-but just that trips to Vegas are providing him more than a much needed injection of manhood. He loves going, and in this respect he is getting his cake and eating it too.

If your guy wants to bond with his “boys” why couldn’t he go camping for a few days, or go on a golf outing, or do something on a less grand scale? We’re just a bit curious why he feels the need to do a week long jaunt to the City of Sin to feel whole again? If you know what we’re saying.

We also wonder why his “home girls” always seem to be part of the picture. Doesn’t that seem a bit odd to you? We don’t know him as well as you do, but that certainly begs an explanation. Remember Nicole, if something looks and feels suspicious, it probably is. We had another question a few months ago where a woman’s man was also taking regular trips to Vegas with work friends. (We answered it on our podcast.) A  picture was taken of her man and two women work “friends” sleeping in the same bed. He told her they just fell asleep and nothing happened, and she took him at his word. Well, let’s just say that was a bit suspicious don’t you think?

So we have a question for you. Does your man realize how much his trips to Miami and Vegas bother you? You say you’ve told him, but does he really know the depth of how you feel?

All relationships require some sort of give and take. And this comes with trust. Without trust, no relationship can survive the long term. It’s sad that none of your girlfriends trust their men. We believe there are men out there that can be trusted, so none of you should be settling for less.

We realize you don’t want to give him an ultimatum, and you shouldn’t. (This is where we disagree with your friends.) He has to come to the realization himself, after you tell him how you feel; otherwise your ultimatum will just lead to resentment on his part and your part, and possibly lead to the end or your relationship. But please tell him specifically how these guy trips make you feel; and tell him how you feel when you see pictures of him humping these so called friends. Deliver this information to him as calmly as you can. If he hears you and still chooses to do what he wants, then you need to take a hard look at the relationship and ask yourself a few questions. Are you getting what you need out of the relationship? And does he care enough about the relationship to change some of his behavior?

Sure, guy trips are wonderful and often necessary. They are similar to  when women get together for a girls night out. (Well not exactly)  But no trip should undermine an existing relationship, and cause more stress and strife.

This is a delicate balance, and an issue many couples struggle with. How much independence is okay within a committed relationship? Every couple has to come up with a solution that works for them. Too much of anything is trouble. So the balance between jealousy and freedom is something all couples have to work out. You two have a lot to work on it sounds like.

And for the record we wouldn’t be okay with our girlfriends, wives, or partners exhibiting the kind of behavior your boyfriend is exhibiting. Maybe he’s just not ready to be in the kind of relationship you want-a long term, committed, and respectful relationship.

Good luck.


Please leave us a comment. To do so, scroll down to archives. This same question will be at the top of archive. Click that link and scroll down to comments section. Thanks!


49 Comments on Men and their Guy Trips

  1. My question is this: How would he feel if suddenly she started going on Chick Trips and her homeboys showed up, and her friends posted similar pics of her on FB? Would he be ok with all that?

  2. I have a similar thing. My boyfriend of 5 years went on a boys trip to Las Vagas last year and now has booked a boys trip to Thailand.
    I was upset when there was a fack book photo that showed up on our 4 year anniversary of him in a pool party with heaps of bikini babes around him. I was really up set and felt very disrespected.

    Good to know your perspective on guys trips. still not 100% happy about them though.

  3. @Confused……Good luck. Keep us posted. Ask a question anytime.

  4. Pia Ponte // August 7, 2013 at 8:36 pm //

    I just found this discussion bc I was searching “how many guys trips a year is ok.” I know that sounds crazy, but I’m going through a similar situation as Nicole. My bf goes to Vegas about 3 times a year. Sometimes w friends, sometimes a bachelor party, sometimes w his boss, young son, and friends from work. He always says its to see a fight, or for business. Meanwhile, when they go, there’s always a pool party or two attended, thousands of dollars worth of drinking and drunkenness. They are grown men, I don’t believe anything “bad” goes on, but still… 3 Vegas trips a year, is that necessary. And maybe I think too far ahead, but I think of the future and a family and if we each took 3 trips of our own, then we should have 3 together, and that’s now 9 weekends away. That’s not what I want. I don’t know. Am I crazy? What do you think? Nicole, I sympathize

  5. @Pia Ponte……How old is your boyfriend? We have to agree with you. Three trips a year WITHOUT you seems a bit excessive. Of course every situation is different and every relationship is different so we’d have to put a firm number on it. However, the red-flag is that he’s in a serious relationship, but yet, he’s still eager to take all of these trips without you. Sure, maybe one a year, as a special guy bonding trip. But if he thinks this is okay, taking all these trips with his buddies, who knows what he’ll be like if/when the two of you get married. Or, will he even be the guy who takes his marriage vows seriously. ps. He and his buds might be grown men, but you might want to inquire about specifics. We’re not saying your boyfriend is doing anything unsavory, just that unsavory stuff goes on with these sorts of parties. Take care.

  6. Carol no barol // September 16, 2016 at 10:44 pm //

    So ponder this….my 45 year old husband of 13 years and father to my three girls has 3+ guys weekend getaways every year. He had one the week after school started for the kids and then another one next weekend. Football in Michigan, cottage weekend, a weekend away for a concert, Fraternity alumni weekend. Always a good reason too – “it’s a yearly thing”, “it’s an anniversary thing”, you name the “good excuse”. The thing is he also travels extensively for work and goes out for “work” dinners and “drinks” on a regular basis – like every two to three weeks. I am left with three kids and a dog and I am a BEAR when it is all done. Heaven forbid I should complain though – enter the “nagging wife”. I can’t win. His response is that I can go away too. But as all you moms out there know – that isn’t the point – it’s about being together as a family after a hectic work/school week.

  7. @Carol no barol……It’s not just the moms who agree with you. The Guys are also like-minded. So how did this start? This pattern? His weekends away? His man trips? Was it fine with you initially and now it’s not? Or did you agree to it resentfully from the start? (How old are your kids?) Do you think there’s a way to change it? Or are you worried that if you put your foot down he’ll threaten to leave or something like that?

  8. @All the Women out THere…….We’d love to hear your thoughts on The Perfect Guy? Leave a comment, a description or respond to someone else’s comment. Let’s have a conversation.

  9. My boyfriend (now ex) of six month is on a trip to Columbia with his two guy friends. He mentioned the trip casually, even jokingly about a month into our relationship feeling me out, whether I’d be OK with it. I brushed it off, since we were having fun with our friends and didn’t take him seriously. I didn’t hear a word about it until two months ago, when we were out with a friend. At this point, things were getting serious. He said he wouldn’t be here in October so I could go ahead and make other plans. The next day, I told him, I was not OK with him going to Columbia because 1) he will be partying 2) be going with guys I know cheat on their wives and GFs and 3) I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to do these things. I told him if he goes, its his choice, but I can’t be with him any longer. He admitted that he felt uneasy about going himself and knew it was a bad situation. He said our relationship meant more to him than a trip and he wouldn’t go. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, he calls me up this week (after I had been with him all weekend…we are long distance, about an hour away) and says he is going on his trip. I was shocked and angry and told him the same thing. I repeated the same things I had three months ago, but he was quiet and said that I don’t trust him and he needs to “clear his head” Did I do something wrong? Or is he simply losing interest in me? Or was there nothing I could do to prevent this from happening? We had a great weekend, minus the normal fights we get in. I haven’t heard from him since the call and me telling him we are done. I love him so much, but can’t take the pain, or the deceit any longer.

  10. @Mary…..We understand your position and we understand his. When was the trip planned? Before the two of you started dating or after? Here’s our sense after reading your note. It sounds to us that he really cares for you and felt uneasy about the trip and initially was going to call it off. However, he also felt that you were pressuring him, due to the fact that you don’t trust him, and so that made him decide to go. What we’re saying is, he may have come to the conclusion on his own that he shouldn’t go, but he felt as if you were forcing his hand so he pushed back and decided to go. If you truly love this man we would suggest you reach out to him, tell him you hope he’s having fun, and that you’d like to talk when he gets back. You’re not promising him anything, but you are letting him know that you’re open to hearing what he has to say for himself. And we do agree with you. In general, this type of trip is not completely appropriate for a guy in a serious relationship. Maybe going on some sort of adventure trip for a few days with buddies is fine, but a monthlong trip where the goal is likely drinking/womanizing, no, that’s not appropriate. However, remember, this is the first time anything like this has come up, correct? When it becomes a pattern that’s when you really have to worry. What do you think?

  11. This is clearly not a from a guy’s perspective and should not be deemed as so. Sounds like this advice is coming from some woman who has been burned before. Anyway, my wife has gone on girl trips just about every year since we’ve been together while I have never been on a guys trip, mainly because my friends don’t really travel, but that’s a whole nother issue. So now, I’m feeling like I won’t to get away only because I want to take a vacation where I can just be myself with no regard for pleasing anyone else, if I won’t to sleep late or find a spot on a beach and do nothing, that would be fine. I wouldn’t mind for the guys to come along, but if not, I would be willing to go alone. Is that wrong?

  12. @Kevin…..Sorry dude. This is definitely coming from a guy’s perspective. Did you read the entire post? We’re not saying guy trips are off the docket. In fact, we actually said the opposite. But, there’s a line when you’re in a committed relationship. We’ll give you an example. We’re all for men and women being friends, even married men and women. That said, going to dinner with your woman friend on a regular basis is crossing the line. Why? Because that’s what couples do. And frankly, it’s also about perception. If you’re out with a woman friend for dinner, that’s perceived as a date, which means, running into people you know will make them think, “Do you think he’s cheating on his wife?” Etc. Now of course you might say, “Well who cares what people think?” To that we’d say, “It’s about respecting your partner.” Coffee or lunch is much more appropriate for friends, just as a camping trip, or a quiet trip to fish or sit on the beach—like you’ve proposed—is more appropriate for a guy trip than a regular jaunt to Vegas or Miami. Like we said, nothing wrong with an occasional wild trip, but it’s about respecting your partner. This guy is not respecting his partner. There’s a way to do it and there isn’t. And to your question: NO, there’s nothing wrong with going alone. Honestly, coming from some of the married guys here with kids, solitude is what we crave the most these days. Hope you get to get away. ps. And you can certainly disagree!

  13. My boyfriend (age 33) is going on a 10 day trip to Thailand this December. I felt fine with it until last night when I heard the friend who he is meeting up with in Thailand talking about all the girls he is hooking up with (some of them married) and the crazy sexual encounters he is having. I already did not trust this friend and once he brought a girl out with us who ended up kissing my boyfriend (everyone says she kissed him, not the other way around). The point is I already feel uneasy because of the kissing incident and after hearing what his friend is up to over there, I realized that there is no way my boyfriend will be going on an “innocent” trip, rather it seems like he’ll be helping his friend chase girls. I also just found out he plans to go on a trip the following month with his friends to Miami. He made it sound like it was purely a guys trip because they are trying to recreate a trip they did ten years ago to Cancun (where they basically were drunk 24/7). Then yesterday I found out some girls that his friends are trying to hook up with are coordinating a trip to Miami with them so that they can be there too. I know it is different because I am a girlfriend and he would have to be more attentive to me than his friends do with these casual girls, but I still feel hurt that he did not think to include me. I understand recreating a trip from your youth, but I also feel like his situation has changed. He is older and in a committed relationship and thus, the trip just cannot and should not be recreated. I have been generally supportive about this but after yesterday, I am questioning everything. I also feel like he gets more excited about planning these trips than on planning trips for us so we can make more memories together. I confronted him about this before and he said its different because if he is not excited about the trips with his friends then they may not happen. Any advice is appreciated.

  14. @Weary……The question is: Do you trust your boyfriend? It sounds as if that question is up for debate. Besides the kissing incident has he given you any other reason NOT to trust him? Other than the fact that he seems to want to go on these adventures without you, which does seem to bring into question where his priorities are. What do you think? How long have you dated?

  15. I do trust him, which is why I was supportive of these trips until two days ago when I heard all the things his friend was doing in Thailand and that other girls will meet up with the guys in Miami. We’ve been dating for two years.

  16. @Weary….Thanks for filling us in. (Sorry for the grammatical error in our first response. Has/have) Anyway, we kind of agree with you. The two of you don’t seem to be on the same page. It’s great that you’re supportive of him but he isn’t reciprocating the same support. To us, it seems like he doesn’t understand that he’s in a committed relationship. Why? Because he’s acting like it’s all about him and not really considering your feelings or your take on things. (What if the roles were reversed?) We’re certainly in favor of couples spending some time alone, or time with friends, but to prioritize these extravagant trips over spending time with you, or taking you on an extravagant trip, just seems like he’s missing the point. His priorities seem off. He kind of seems like he wants to be single AND have you. What do you think?

  17. Michelle Amper // April 13, 2017 at 1:02 am //

    My boyfriend of 4 years. I just had about enough of this travels with his friends I haven’t met without me. I’m the course of 4 years he has been to Thailand, Mexico, Costa Rica, Dominican Republic, Philippines, Japan, Las Vegas, And all these places he’d been to more than once. Now he will go to Thailand again and he is planning a trip to Germany. I just have about enough. He doesn’t have any social media and I don’t know any of these friends he goes travel with. I feel so disrespected every time he goes away. I can’t take it anymore.

  18. @Michelle…….When do you actually see him? And has he ever invited you?

  19. Message Body:
    My partner of 3 years is going on a boys only holiday to Ibiza with pool parties at the hotel. He’s 50 years old now and his mates are similar ages. I read a text saying they are booking a room where “they can be close to the action (chicks)”. He’s not even told me he’s going. Not sure how to approach this. Should I be worried? He knows I’m insecure about theses boys holidays as his mates cheat on their wife’s and if they’re all doing it what will he be doing when they’re with the women they’ve pulled.

  20. @Sammy……Well, do you trust your partner? Sounds like maybe you’re not sure. Has he done anything to make you question his judgment? Have there been other incidents where he made questionable decisions? And has he cheated on you before?

  21. There has been two incidents both whilst he was on holiday. But I trusted him enough to believe him not the rumours even though the girl was messaging him on fb (he never replied). He’s now told më about the trip and made it quite clear that he wont be taking my feelings into consideration and that I have to deal with. He said he will be going on boys holidays ever year. I don’t mind him going but to pool parties in ibiza at the age of 50…This I feel is disrespectful to our relatiobship.

  22. Ps. He’s not into clubbing at home and we never go to these sort of holidays together.

  23. @Sammy……Well, there’s nothing wrong with taking a yearly trip with the boys, but it’s not okay if he’s going to try and hook up with other women. This comes down to trust. You either have to trust him or not.

  24. Hi guys

    Thanks for the page, and the insight.
    I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now and have only been on one vacation with him (other than short camping trips with friends ect), none with just the two of us.
    I have been hoping to get away somewhere together alone, and we finally booked a trip! It’s been a month and he hasn’t brought the trip up once, made any plans, looked anything up, mentioned it to his friends.
    Now, I could understand if that was simply his nature, however he goes all out when it comes to vacations with the guys. He goes to Vegas with them, and on weekends away. He usually plans it all, talks about it with me endlessly, boasts about his trip continually on Facebook before he leaves.
    I brought it up to him and he says he sees me 365 days of the year, but doesnt see his buddies much and that’s why.
    That hurt a little since we’ve never been away alone together for an actual vacation, and I am equally excited to go away with him as I am my friends. I feel like it’s also unfair that I do all the planning simply because he sees me everyday already.
    Could I have your insight? Am I seeing this unreasonably?

  25. @Nicole…..We have some thoughts. But a few questions first. 1. How old is your guy? You? 2. Do his friends live far away, like in another state? 3. How often does he go on his guy trips? 4. How did you get him to book a trip with you? Was it your idea? His? How did he seem? 4. Overall, are you happy with your relationship? Or do you feel there’s something missing? Implicit trust perhaps? 5. Do you think he considers you when he’s out in the world? Like, when he makes decisions? (We’re not talking about cheating. We’re talking about decisions that could affect you. Does he think about you?)

  26. Hi

    Thanks for the reply. He is 39 and I am 32. His friends all live near us, they see each other probably once a month or so to go clubbing, and go away for fun usually once a year, ocassionally more.
    The trip was my idea and I asked him to book with me, a few times…he has vacation time he needs to use and that factored in although he was nice about it and wouldn’t book trips with his friends until he and I booked something. He seemed slightly less exvited than I had anticipated despite going to see places he suggested.
    I am happy with my relationship, and love him a lot. There were some problems in the past ( he sent explucit messages to other women) which we initially broke up over but have since resolved through counselling, time, trust, and forgiveness. I know he considers me when he makes decisions, and values my opinion on subjects. He often runs thoughts and plans past me and is considerate when it comes to things that could affect me.

    Thanks again,
    Nicole L.

  27. @Nicole….Thanks for filling us in. Your relationship sounds pretty solid. So what exactly is your question? What do we think of his guy trips? Are you right for feeling that he puts his friends first before you? What exactly?

  28. Thanks for listening so far!I owe you guys a beer!
    My concern is that he puts much more effort and is visibly more excited to go on trips with his friends than with me. When I approached him about it, he said he sees me 365 days of the year and going away with his buddies is thus more fun. I wish he had the same level of enthusiasm to go somewhere with me on our very first vacation alone, and that at the very least he helped me plan it the same way he does with his friends. I love traveling with him just as much as I love traveling with his friends. Am I expecting too much?

  29. @Nicole….Okay, got it. You know, this is a little tricky because we can see both sides….well, kind of. (Do you live together?) For some guys, these trips go well beyond seeing their friends. It’s a bonding experience, a way to reconnect with their own manhood, but also a way to travel back in time to when they were young, single men on the prowl. Now, we’re not suggesting that he’s doing anything he shouldn’t be doing, it’s more a feeling. Some guys like to feel that even if they don’t want to go back to that time/place in their lives. Does that make sense? Now, THAT SAID, there’s nothing quite like going away on vacation with the woman you love. As you probably know, vacations usually help people relax, and from our experience, when both people are relaxed and happy, wonderful times ensue on many levels. Clearly, he’s either NOT getting that, or is taking you for granted and is NOT prioritizing that. (Before we continue or offer a few suggestions, could you let us know if you’re living together or not?)

  30. Your thoughts on this are great, and are helping me sort this out.

    We do live together, yes. We have lived together for just over 2 years now

    Thanks 🙂

  31. @Nicole……That’s good to know. Yes, it seems he’s taking you for granted, as if he’s fast-forwarded your relationship. Like he says, “I see you every day.” Translation (This might sound worse than it is, but something like): “I get what I need from you, whenever I need it. So it’s no big deal.” Look, we’re not saying you need to go on high-alert, but you’ve been together 4 years. In our experience, relationships only become more mundane unless people work on them. Maybe it’s time to make him realize that he’s lucky to have you??? We’re not saying create an issue with this trip, but more in your day to day. Questions: What does your week look like? Who cooks? Cleans? Do you share chores? How often do you have sex? Who initiates? Any plans for marriage? Family? If not, why not? What do your friends think of him? What does your family think? ps. Living together is fine. And maybe you don’t care if you get married/engaged. But if you do, this living situation should not go on in perpetuity. Suggestion: Honestly, if you want to start really getting into an in-depth discussion, we’d suggest you go the Ask a Private Question route on our site. There is a fee, but it’s a much more comprehensive service. And it’s private. (If this conversation goes where we think it could go, we don’t think we can do it justice here.) We believe there’s probably a lot to dig into here. What do you think?

  32. I live with my fiance. I’m all for hanging out with friends, but at this point I’m frustrated. I didn’t have off for Columbus Day or MLK Day. He spent Columbus Day weekend away getting plastered with his “buddies.” He did the same thing this weekend. He now wants to do the SAME thing for President’s Day weekend, and I actually have off. I want to do something with him, but he “already made plans.” How do I proceed? It’s taking everything in me to not abandon this all. This is sadly just the tip of the iceberg.

  33. @louala…..We’re sorry. So how old is your guy? And you? Does he ever suggest doing anything together? Like going away with you? FYI: We’re happy to respond here in the comments, but we’re limited as to how in-depth we can get. But we’ll try to give you some feedback. If you’d like to really have a deeper conversation and try to figure out how you feel, what you should do, etc. etc. you might want to consider our Ask a Private Question service. (Read the Testimonials on our Get Relationship Advice page if you want to see what people who’ve asked questions have said about us.) Yes, there is a fee for that particular service, so up to you. (Depends on your goal.) Anyway, just wanted to give you some options…..

  34. My husband casually mentioned that his hugh school buddies want to go on a trip to New Orleans, but my husband suggested Vegas. When it was said and done they decided to go somewhere closer. Then he decides to casually mention it to me. But when I told him I was not comfortable with it because he blacks out when he drinks and has ended up places im not ok with such as strip clubs, etc., he was upset. After reading the text message that started the guys conversation, I am more worried. The conversation was started by one of his friends who said, we need the kind of guys weekend we come home and lie to our old ladies about. One friend responded you know I’m whipped and the original guy stated, ok tell half truths to. Is this normal guy talk? And am I selfish to be upset over the thought of him going? He said he wasn’t, but he hasn’t told his friends yet.

  35. @Marissa……Well, do you trust him? If so, none of the talk should matter. That said, did your husband join in the conversation and talk about lying to you, or was that just his friends?

  36. Hi, my boyfriend of 3yrs has gone on a 7day trip to cancun with his guy friends who I’ve never met or heard of. (This is following a month after him removing me from all his social media accounts) he usually travels for “work” at least once a month without me. And I’ve made my feelings about it clear considering that he goes for 3-4days but only works for a day. Anyway he had mentioned that his friends had invited him but he wasn’t sure about going and a week or so before the trip he started mentioning it more and said his friend had booked him a ticket to go but still wasn’t sure he’s going till about 3days before the trip. Whilst he’s in cancun for the holiday I’ve only had communication with him about work being that we have a business together other than that it takes him about 18hrs to reply to a single text. However his friends that have him on social media say he’s posting videos of what he’s up to (they won’t say what is in the video & I haven’t asked). Am I wrong to be upset about the fact that he can’t communicate with me properly & not for lack of connection. Also we’ve had trust issues & infedelity issues in the past when he’s cheated.

  37. @Sienn……What does your gut tell you is going on? What do your friends think?

  38. I believe he can invite me along to his work trips esp being that all expenses are covered but he thinks he’d be distracted with work if I’m there. I also think it’s wrong that he’s gone with people I don’t even know on such a trip. Usually when he goes away he sends me pics and vids to show me what he’s been up to. Nothing excessive just a few but this time he hasn’t. He FaceTimed me once whilst in the villa with the guys and I saw & heard their faces but that’s about it. I don’t think he went with a girl but however that doesnt mean he can talk to girls there and I imagine his friends are single so my mind just going wild on what could be happening in cancun memorial weekend

  39. @Sienn……Thanks for filling us in. To answer your initial question, we agree with you. The way he’s handling this, is not the way a person handles it who is in a respectful relationship. Which tells us that your issues are more comprehensive than this one particular trip. The fact is, you don’t trust him, and he’s doing NOTHING to help alleviate your concern. Would that be accurate? So, we’re not sure what you’re actually asking. Are you asking whether or not you should be upset? Or are you asking whether or not you should stay with him? Or are you just venting? FYI: We’re fine with any or all, just not sure what you’re looking for.

  40. He’s f-ing around with loose women and it’s obvious but you don’t break up with him because you need proof and you know he can just lie about what’s going on. Certain countries/destinations are known for easy places for guys to get laid. Especially Vegas, Germany, Thailand, Chicago. If you want proof then you must put spyware on his phone because that sh…. doesn’t lie (you’ll need access to his phone but this works) and then you can dump him. Just be sure he’s the type that won’t press charges on you.

  41. Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for over 5 years and he has been on trips outside the country with his family without me before but usually because I could not afford to go with. Though it still made me sad I couldn’t join I’d never stop him from going. He’s 25 and I’m 26 btw. He has done things and lied in the past and while I thought my trust for him had fully rebounded he recently told me he wanted to go to Europe with his best friend only. This bothered me. We do plan to go on our own out of country vaca before that but not Europe because he said he was sick of Europe even though I really want to go. I think my feelings are hurt because he doesn’t want me there and I feel Europe is such an experience that I’m sad he wants that experience without me but I also just simply don’t fully trust he would be thoughtful of me and honest going there with this friend who he was also with in the dishonest,hurtful things he did in the past. I’d never tell him he cannot go and I’ve told him my feelings and he feels bad but I don’t know what to do. Any advice?

  42. Also he has guys nights every once in a while, like maybe once a month, and outings with just his bestie on top of that about once every week so it’s not like he doesn’t get any guy time though I do feel anxious on the guys’ nights but that is because those nights were the nights that caused issues in the past. And I don’t wish to stop his Europe trip I just wish it was not only okay if I joined but I wish he wanted me to join.

  43. @April…..We understand. Sounds like you don’t trust him completely. Can you talk a little about what he’s done to make you not trust him? (Lying? Cheating? Other?) So what reasons does he give you for not wanting to take you to Europe? And who is this person he’s going on the trip with? A guy? Woman? How long has he known the person?

  44. Mainly lying, he also got a few lap dances at a nude strip club which wasn’t ok with me either which was one of the many things he lied about. He says he’s always wanted to take a big trip with just guy friends. His best friend is a guy he’s known for years, around 10 years I believe.

  45. @April……Besides the issues you’re having, how does he treat you in general? Is he good to you? Do you feel he has your back when he’s out in the world? Does he make decisions with you in mind? Do you trust him in that way? The issue we see is not really his guy trips, it’s that he seems to prefer the trips with his buddies over you. Which means, he’s a bit confused as to what it means to be in a serious and committed relationship. To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with hanging with your buddies and taking a trip a year to bond. (Give or take) The point is, there’s no balance here and that’s the issue. We think he’s taking you for granted. It could be his age. (He’s young) Or it could be that he’s clueless. Or it could be that you’ve allowed it to happen and now you’re stuck. But that doesn’t mean you can’t take back some power and control. We’re not suggesting anything dramatic or monumental. Just an attitude shift. Sure, it’s cool to be supportive of your partner. You definitely are. And that is a good thing. But pretending you’re not hurt, or downplaying your hurt, isn’t getting you anywhere. What do you think?

  46. My husband and I have been married 23 years and about a year ago he started secretly planning a frat get together in Vegas with his frat brothers. He sprung the trip on me shortly before the trip and tied it in with a business trip to make it seem like he was going to be in Vegas anyway so why not have the reunion at that time. He secured a home away months in advance for the trip without telling me as well. He had never taken a guy trip prior to this and was sneaky in planning it. I was very upset and concerned our marriage was being strained by a possible mid life crisis. He then bought golf clubs and started taking golf lessons and began golfing with friends without telling me. He then planned a 4 day fishing trip with guys from work 8 months after Vegas, also renting cabin. It was my first week back at work, a very stressful time for me. I am off all summer due to my job and must care for my elderly mom who lives in another state during that time. Why not go when I’m gone? Why after 23 years of not doing this? I have devoted 23 years to marriage and my 3 grown kids. I thought we would share life together after they grew up. I feel betrayed and hurt. He has also broken his social media MO, as he calls it, by liking on an ex girlfriend’s pic and another girl’s pic. I have confronted him about all of this, but he won’t go to counseling with me. He says he will work on including me more, and he is not going through a MLC. What does this all mean?

  47. michelle amper // August 27, 2018 at 1:57 am //

    @one of the guys …. a year or so late response but never the less a response and i hope i will get a reaction back.
    My boyfriend at that time has traveled to many many countries with his guy friends and to answer question, no he has never invited me to visit these countries with him in another time where its only the two of us obviously because i have never met any of his guy friends. Thos has been going on for 5 years. When we were together, on the first two years of dating, we see each other 3-4 times a week then his travels began then i get to start resentful. We then begin to see each other once a week and up until last month he broke up with me. It hurts because i have been patiently waiting for him to get over his trips but he never did.

  48. @Jamie…..We understand where you’re coming from. You say your kids are grown, which means you’re empty nesters. Correct? This is a big change for couples as you know. Some people are quite sad when their kids leave and don’t know what to do with themselves. Others, go about business as usual, without all the mess and stress of having kids in their house 24/7. Others, take up new hobbies, new careers, and try to figure out what they want to do with the rest of their lives. And others, completely reinvent, which could mean, trying on a completely new life without their partner/spouse. Where does your husband fall? Well, it sounds like he’s just trying on some new things, seeing what fits. It doesn’t sound as if he’s planning on leaving or anything like that. Sure he’s been a bit sneaky and insensitive, but it doesn’t sound like it’s gone to the point of no return. What do you think? ps. You know Jamie, we’re limited to how much we can do here in the comments. We think your question deserves more of an in-depth discussion. Does that interest you? If so, you might want to consider our Private Service. Read comments/feedback from women who’ve asked us questions previously. Go to our Relationship Advice/Coaching page to read.

  49. @Michelle…….Nice to hear from you, although we wish it were under different circumstances. We’re so sorry about your break up. But from what you describe, your guy wasn’t planning on making any changes, which means eventually, you would have been quite miserable with him. We know that it hurts right now and we are sorry. But hopefully the next guy will give you the same love and respect that you give him. Take care of yourself.

1 2

1 Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. Help: Sex after child | The Guy's Perspective

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published.

Maximum comment length is 1500 characters.