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Military relationship: What do I do?

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Dear Guys,

So, I reconnected with a guy from high school. He is in the Marine Corps. He Facebooked me and we ended up talking ALL NIGHT on the phone; it was amazing. He said, “I really hope this doesn’t stop.” And he told me he really liked me. Today I noticed there was something wrong. He called me and he just said, “I REALLY DO LIKE YOU and would love to be in a relationship but I am really insecure about it all.” He has been burned a lot in the past and being in the military is hard. He overthinks things and thinks that the worst will happen with us. He sounded really sad and kept saying he really does like me but he’s scared and said he doesn’t want to try “us” because he feels like he needs to find middle ground within himself. I know he is way overthinking it and we really did have an awesome connection. I talked to him about it and he said I really have to think …I need to get off the phone.

I let him hang up; he sounded so sad. I really like this guy….what do I do??

Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Thanks for writing to us.

Yes, this guy does seem confused and tormented, but possibly also practical. He knows how difficult it is to juggle his military service, and a committed relationship. Your recent connection reminded him of this fact.

It’s clear he likes you, and probably felt your connection was special, and now he’s afraid. This is ironic in some ways because here’s a guy who understands danger, and the fear associated with it. He’s probably learned throughout his military service how to deal with his fear and channel it to help him overcome whatever trials he’s faced with. But in the relationship department he seems inexperienced, or at least not clear on how to make them work.

So in this case the burden falls on you—if it’s what you really want of course— to help him see how different your connection is from his past relationships. It’s your job to hold his hand through the initial stages of your relationship, so he feels secure and confident and willing to move forward. This approach takes a strong and confident person, because in some ways you’re the one who’s taking all the risks.

Once the relationship gets to a solid place, it should begin to balance out. However, if the burden continues to fall on you as time goes on, you may need to rethink the relationship. You don’t want to commit to a relationship where you’re doing all the heavy lifting. At some point you’ll begin to feel resentful, and it only goes downhill from there.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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3 Comments on Military relationship: What do I do?

  1. Hey Guys,

    My ex & I broke up a year and a half ago. We used to be good friends until we started dating. We dated for only 2 months then he broke it off because he made me cry all the time & he knew it. He told me to find someone that made me happy & so I started looking. 5 months later I found someone else and we started dating. During that time my ex dated a lot of other girls but they only lasted for about a week. I was his longest relationship ever.

    I’ve tried talking to him a lot but he’ll accuse me of things & bring up things that happened during our relationship & shut me off. Afterwards, I quit trying to talk to him.

    Then I had a stupid idea of messaging him over Facebook telling him everything he did wrong (to help him out in the future) and of course he got mad at me and blocked me off Facebook.

    When we did date it wasn’t a good relationship. He made me cry all the time because of things he did or say. But I also made a couple mistakes I did say sorry for. The only thing he said sorry for was making me cry. That was all. He believed he never did anything wrong.

    He works at a local Braum’s Ice Cream store & I’ve been in there a couple times while he was working to get ice cream. He was the cashier both times and he just looks at me with these sad regretful eyes.

    He avoids me when he sees me and boyfriend together during school.

    My ex is in the ROTC at my school and when you wear a military uniform you’re not allowed to give hugs to people or show PDA in uniform. Just the other day I was talking to my friend & another friend of mine came up to me and gave me a hug and my ex saw and told him ”No PDA in uniform” . It makes no sense that he said that because he wasn’t even in uniform. Just in a ROTC shirt.

    Whenever I see him in the hallway (alone together) he will stare at me until I look at him then look away.

    After our relationship ended he told me that I was the only girl that made him feel loved.

    I think he still cares for me because we had a real connection before we started dating but I wanted to know what you guys think?

    -Emily

  2. @Emily…….Well, we’re not sure what you’re asking. Are you saying you’re still in love with this guy? Don’t you have a boyfriend? What about him? Honestly, your ex may still have some feelings for you but he’s not ready for any type of serious relationship. He sounds like he’s uncomfortable with feelings in general, which means even if you try to get him back he probably won’t be the best boyfriend. We think it’s best you moved on. Either try to enjoy your current boyfriend, or move on to find someone who you really care about. We don’t see this guy as being the answer. Do you?

  3. @All the Women out THere…….We’d love to hear your thoughts on The Perfect Guy? Leave a comment, a description or respond to someone else’s comment. Let’s have a conversation.

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