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My best friend: What does he want?

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Dear Guys,

I’m writing to you because I don’t even know what to make of the relationship I have with my best friend. We have known each other for a while now and ever since we met everything clicked. He calls/text everyday; we spend a lot of time together whether it’s at his place, with his family, his friends, you name it. So it’s no surprise that I ended up falling for him.

The chicks he is with now are pretty much fuck buddies. Nothing serious but it stills bother me. I confronted him about this and told him how I felt. I even tried to stay away from him. He said he didn’t want to lose me and got mad when I told him I wanted time away. Since then, instead of pulling away like you would expect from other guys, he did the opposite. He just acted like the conversation never happened and still called and asked to hang out.

Lately, he has even told me we should get a place together. He asks about the guys I’m with and we talk about the future and what we want. What drove me over the edge though was a party we went to not too long ago. We always flirt. But this time more than usual. We were buzzed and dancing all over. I got so into it that I almost kissed him. He noticed and told me I deserved something better than him. Now, I have always believed if a guy likes a girl he will make it happen. But, with him I don’t know what to think. If he doesn’t like me why would he want to spend so much time with me, tell me everything, flirt, or even picture me in his future like that if he didn’t like me.  But if does he like me what is he waiting for? None of my friends understand him.

I really hope you will be able to help me.

Sincerely,
Gina

Dear Gina,

Thanks for your question.

We can see how his behavior would be confusing to you. But your initial take on guys is dead on: If a guy is into a girl typically he’ll do whatever he can to make it happen, unless of course he’s painfully shy, which doesn’t seem to be the case with your best friend.

Obviously he cares a lot about you. He values you as a friend, and enjoys your company. He trusts you, and feels comfortable sharing his thoughts and dreams with you. But something is missing for him. Otherwise he would doing whatever he could to take your relationship to the next level. The fact that he isn’t doing that tells us he’s likely not into you in that way.

Here’s the tricky part to all of this: His behavior won’t necessarily be 100 percent consistent. Meaning, he might try and sleep with you at some point, or be physical with you in some way. But if this happens it will likely be his way of trying to force something that isn’t there. We can assure you he’s wishing he was in love with you. And he’s likely beating himself up and telling himself he’s a fool for not being in love with you. But if he was attracted to you in that way we think you’d already be a couple. You have to look at how he is MOST of the time. How does he behave towards you the majority of the time? That’s the question you have to ask yourself. From what we can see, he treats you as a loving friend, but not a girlfriend.

But why not talk to him about it? He might not want to tell you the whole truth, but at least the topic will be open for conversation. That would be a start in unraveling this mystery.

Best of luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

 

6 Comments on My best friend: What does he want?

  1. Hi
    Ive got a friend who ive kind of been seeing.. we act like we are in a relationship… I met him through my previous job. He was in a four year relationship that he purely ended up hating as he was not happy with her.. she completely changed him and made him depressed..he used to call me to confide in me even at work .. they spilt up once and he called to go out for lunch and he would say wow I really enjoy your company .. but through a few weeks they got back together as she was under depression and felt like comfortable to get back with her and be there for her( he is that type of person who always does good by someone even if its an enemy.. when they did get back together.. he didn’t want to loose my friendship.. and he has cut ties with all his other girl mates but used to ring me behind her back just to talk .. he would even say maybe one day me and u could go on holiday or start going out together if your lucky.. since time has gone by ..he has left her and we non stop tlk on the phone eveyrday .. we don’t have sex but we kiss occasionally … but not sexual and he is extreme understanding with me infact its one of the reasons why he got with his x .. because she was a very decent girl and he has seen that with me ..he rings me after gym after he naps ..randomly whether its to ask what to eat or to have a convo or hear my voice… when I am not with him and few days go by he really misses me and says how its feels like its been days since he has saw me… he has mentioned that out of all the girls he has ever been with I am the most sexiest and the most fun he has ever been around and he truly luvs my company… even when I say go chill with his friends he rather spends it with me and says I luv your company .he can be himself around me and luvs the fact he say say anything and be so honest and how I bring a smile to his face.. his friends know about me he has told me he has spoken about me .. from how good my hair smells to everything about me .. and ive met them a few times who always tease us when we are together .. saying.. aww how is your boyfriend.. or trust me you two are together.. or you have that boy on lock Anisha trust me.. he invited me to his close friends family birthday .. it was like a couples night out.. and he didn’t let go off me the whole night even when I said go and be with your friends he would just hold me and smile ..even in public we hold hands and pretty much to everything together… or he at least asks for my advice about everything..ive also stayed around his quite a lot where I have met his family and chilled with them as well as his uncles and they are aware of me .. before all this happened he was saying how he wasn’t ready for a relationship but as times has gone by he would start to say what have you done to me .. I didn’t think at all after a relationship I would start to feel like this or miss you or want to see you .. don’t know what you have done to me.. he would go on to say how unique and amazing I am and maybe if I am lucky we could pursue a relationship ( thing is with him he would joke or tell the truth and the secret of it is you can never tell whats a joke or the truth and he knows this ) he is going on holiday and infront of his friend he was saying how he wont do anything and his friends was agreeing ..the night he invited me out to his friends birthday ..everyone kept asking if we was a couple as we acted like one ..we both didn’t answer just looked at each other and held hands..we have had convos where he would ask so would u date someone who is like me or would you be my girlfriend or is that what you want.. and ive just laughed it off …he always talk in future terms with me and I was worried that he would go back to his x but she has contacted him and even stayed round his (with his sister as they are friends) and he has been so honest with me ..he stayed on the phone to me and contacted me constantly and then invited me round his house when she left. He would then say stuff like your going to fall for me I think we should stop talking with a cheeky grin or your going to fall for me ( I don’t really give him a response) even when he goes out he constantly keeps in touch saying how he missed me ..when he is out with his friends he wants to be with me so he would call to pick me up.. but its such a rollacoaster.. he says he is very good with his words and knows what he is saying and there is a reason behind all the stuff he says even his jokes.. sometimes he would say I love u and be like im joking.. just yesterday he takes the piss out of me as a joke and I was replied sometimes u can be a cock.. and he said I know but I know me and you have gotten so so close but my barrier is still up a bit after that relationship.. but he has asked me questions when I would want to get married and what I would marry.. there was once a convo where he has asked.. don’t you think when you put a status to a relationship it fucks things up ? and I replied saying no it depends who you are with .. we practically act like we are a couple literally but he just takes so long to admit we are in one.. sometimes he would compliment other girls and when I get irritated he would say but were just friend right .. but it got to me a bit yesterday and he felt so bad and was like I don’t like u upset I really care about u I wont do it again..he even sends flowers to me at works.. so why is he longing the statues or I don’t know !!!

  2. his x messaged me on facebook ..saying i know about you both .you both fucking deserve each other… and calling me all sorts ..she went to his work place to have a go at him and he said look she is an amazing girl and we are friends.. but you know nothing of her to call her names … i asked how she found out he told me his little brother said something which dosent really make sense as that time he didnt know my name and he is only 5. but none the less i thought he was going to get back with her he didnt infact he just said how much he dosent love her but wants the best for her.

  3. Claudine // June 20, 2013 at 9:11 pm //

    Dear guys,

    I have also been very close with a guy friend lately. It has never bothered me since I love spending hours with him just talking, he is a great guy and we’ve always had a sort of brother and sister relationship. It’s been different since I broke up with my last boyfriend, I was heartbroken and almost depressed, during the whole process of getting well again he’s been there for me like no other, we would meet after class almost every day and hang out till midnight, he would pick me up from work sometimes and got really protective over me cause he didn’t want me to get hurt again.

    Plus, I’ve realized that we do behave like a couple sometimes, when we go out and we have to pay even when we are with our group of friends we never split, we pack our things together when travelling or we go together to almost every event we have to attend.

    It felt like a strong friendship, but lateky he avoids talking about other girls in front of me, gets annoyed if we don’t spend time together or sends me sweet messages just because, he even checks if I a m eating properly as I live in a student flat and has offered to cook for me more than once. He keeps on picking on me affectionately but is way more careful with what he says.

    On the other hand I could swear that neither of us feels attracted to the other and even when we’ve spent a night together or got really drunk nothing has happened. We don’t even hug or kiss unless it is in the rush of the moment (for example if we pass a particularly difficult test or have been a long time without seeing each other) and I try to avoid it cause it would feel like crossing I line I am not sure if I want to pass.
    I really don’t understand what’s going on.

    Any idea?

  4. Hi,
    Me and my best friend has always been really close. we always hang out and we always talk on the phone every night. he even spend the night at my house in my bed But here’s the problem. I’m catching feelings for him but i’m not sure about how he feels. We laugh, play fight, play video games and even cook for one another. I’m always there for him and he is always there for me. Sometimes I think he likes me. We recently had sex for the first time and it was amazing. But then again we face another problem… I use to date one of his close friends so its like complicated for us to be together.. he always act like he likes me but he never just say it. he also say little slick comments when i hang out with other guys. but when i ask him how he feel about me all he say it that we are cool. he never get into his feelings with me. i just don’t know what to expect from him so i just asked him do he like me more as friends and he said no but he still treat me as if i’m his girl… CONFUSING!!! All i want to know is do he like me ? is he saying he don’t because i use to date his close friend or does he really mean it ?

  5. Hi guys,
    So I also have a question about my best friend. When we first met it was through the guy I was dating at the time and mutual friends. At first I didn’t like the guy who is now my best friend because he always hit on me and would say that my boyfriend didn’t deserve me. It turned out he was right, my boyfriend cheated on me and i broke up with him. This is when my best friend and I started getting closer. He never hit on me anymore, he would call me bro and just consider me one of the guys. One night he got pretty drunk and didnt want to drive home, I said he could stay with me. We ended up both sleeping in my bed and cuddling but Nothing else happened. Then about a month or so later the two of us went bowling. We had a few drinks and we both had a pretty good buzz. He mentioned something about sleeping with one of my friends and I realized that it made me feel kinda weird and mad that he even said that and i told him if he did sleep with her i would be upset with him. After that he had somewhat of a confession.. he told me that sleeping with her wouldn’t mean anything and that if he could he would rather it be me but he knows that if that happened he would want it and me everyday. He said he thinks im perfect and so beautiful and his best friend. BUT he didn’t want to mess up and lose me all together. We never talked about that again but he did promise to not sleep or try to advance further with my friend. But he has stayed at my place, sleeping in my bed twice since then, we hang out everyday, he calls just to check on me and texts me goodmorning and goodnight. He will blow off other girls he has been seeing so he can hang out with me and seems jealous whenever I talk about guys. I guess I’ve always believed that in a situation like this, guys say they don’t want to ruin a friendship just as an excuse. What do you guys think?

  6. Hey guys,
    I’ve developed feelings for my best guy friend… help.
    So we’ve known each other for 2 years now, but really just been close for one year. I joined his soccer team for fun and ended up getting close to his friends and him in the process. Soon we started hanging out all the time, we’d go for coffee, he’d meet me in between classes, we marathon tv shows together. All this time I never once thought about him as anything more than a friend. As a result, I got really close to him, we have deep conversations about life, family, friends, and the future. And then it hit me, I want to be more than friends. We were walking back to my place, playing in the snow, and I tried to knock him down, instead he fell on top of me. Maybe I imagined it, but I felt like there was a moment. I don’t know how to act around him now… I’m not sure if I’m reading into things he does or if its just him being natural. Lately I’ve noticed him being more touchy,like holding on to me when we’re walking places or poking my stomach or grabbing my hands. We’ve also been texting more. But I don’t know if this is just us getting closer as friends or not. He jokes about us dating, so do some of his friends… he’s introduced me to all of his friends now. We have a lot of mutual ones but these are ones that are part of his home life (we are away at school). I guess what I’m wondering is, how do I know if I’m reading into things and we’re friends, or if maybe he wants something more too?
    Thanks!

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