My best friend with benefits

Read More Relationship Advice and Dating Advice on Friends with Benefits.

Hi Guys,

I’m 27 and I became friends with my guy about a year ago when he was in a relationship. I felt very attracted to him from the start but didn’t do anything because of his girlfriend. They broke up over half a year ago. We made out twice since then and I gave him oral sex. (Both times he initiated). He said he doesnt want to have sex because it would be too intimate and he’s scared it will ruin our friendship. I’m okay with a FWB thing with him because I can keep sex and feelings apart pretty well. I’m confused when he says, ”It would be too intimate.” Does he mean he’s scared to fall in love? It’s not like he’s never had one night stands. Obviously it’s different because we care about each other but we haven’t been awkward since we fooled around. I kind of feel like there’s something he isn’t telling me and he’s making it more complicated than it should be. But then again I don’t want to pressure him or nag him about it.. Any advice?

Anette

Dear Anette,

When a guy gives a woman some sort of warning or heads up that means something significant and shouldn’t be ignored. In your case he said he didn’t want to have sex because it would be too intimate and he’s scared it would ruin your friendship. What he’s really saying is, “I don’t want to have sex with you because I’m worried that you’re going to fall in love with me, and since I really only see you as a friend, I don’t want to get into a situation where you get attached, and things get weird or worse, and then I have to break things off with you, and then you hate me and I lose your friendship.”

Maybe if he knew you just wanted a FWB arrangement he might come around. But is that really what you want? Sure, you say you can separate sex and love, but we doubt you’ll feel that way if you continue having sex with him regularly. And just to clarify. Oral sex IS having sex. In some ways it can more intimate than intercourse. We’re not sure when giving head was declassified as Not Sex, maybe it came after President Clinton and his dalliances with Monica Lewinsky, but the fact is, any sort of physical connection involving any of the genital parts is sex.

Honestly, your situation already feels somewhat one-sided. We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again, we’re not big fans of FWB arrangements for the simple reason that they don’t seem to evolve into anything more serious, and usually what happens is the woman is left feeling confused, hurt, resentful and angry. This is your call of course. If you’re really serious about being in a FWB arrangement then explain to him your ability to separate sex and love. However, if you’re hoping a FWB arrangement might be the beginning of something more serious, then we strongly advise you to keep your friendship purely platonic and look elsewhere for something deeper.

Do you have any follow-up questions/thoughts? Leave them in the comments’ section below. You must be Logged In to do so. (We do that for SPAM purposes)

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll let your friends know about us. Thanks.

 

 

 

 

 

4 Comments on My best friend with benefits

  1. Hi! Thanks for answering so quickly! :) I’m confused as to why you’re saying the relationship sounds one sided because both times it was him who initiated. With the rest I agree maybe he is scared I will fall for him but then again we both go on dates (with other people) regularly and talk about it. I don’t want a relationship with him and do told him that last night very clearly we wouldn’t be a good couple. We work great as friends and I figured if he wanted to fool around he must be attracted to me to some extent?

  2. @Anette…Exactly our point. He’s attracted to you, but it just sounds like you’re taking care of him so to speak, but he’s not taking care of you. That’s where our one-sided observation comes from. You give him oral sex, and you get what exactly?

  3. I get your point. He does cuddle with me though which is way more important to me than sex but I know what you mean. Its just so confusing to me.. sometimes hes the sweetest person, cooks for me, plays with my hair, cuddles with me, gives me kisses on the forehead tells me hes so happy that I exist and then sometimes hes like I need my space, I dont want to be too intimate etc. He says it has nothing to do with me thats how he works but it confuses me because I never know whats really going on :/

  4. @Anette…..It all comes down to what you want. You say he’s making it more complicated than it needs to be, yet to us, it seems if he said he wanted an actual relationship with you, you’d go for it. Bottom line: Sometimes a non-answer is an answer. When a guy says this is just how he works is just an excuse for sending mixed-messages. He’s not going to change. For whatever reason he feels the need to keep you off-balance. It keeps him in control of the situation and lets him off the hook in case things go awry, or you get upset. We don’t think it’s the healthiest of situations for you, but it’s your call. We wish you the best. Keep us posted, or feel free to ask more follow-up questions now, or down the road. ps. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks.

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