I’ve been with my fella over a year now and I’ve learned that he cannot show emotion of any kind. (It hurts to say it.) However, he says he loves me and I believe him.
But recently I’ve found him texting other girls. (Not naughty stuff, just texts) But he is hiding it from me. I don’t care if he has girl mates but he shouldn’t be hiding it!
Also he has only told a few mates we are together. He says that only certain people need to know. Is this something I should be okay with? I think everyone should know!!
Your help would be much appreciated
Would you say he’s emotionally vacant or emotionally unwilling/apprehensive? There is a distinction. The former would infer that he’s unable to show emotion, and that his normal way of being is devoid of emotion. The latter would imply that he has walls up for some reason or another. The walls could be his way of protecting himself from rejection. Or the walls could be a way to keep you off-balance because he is either unsure, or doesn’t want to show his true hand, like a good card player.
What you need to do is look at the facts in contrast to the man you know and then decide what you think.
The facts are straight-foward:
- He says he loves you. (We’re assuming he shows you as well.)
- He texts other girls. (You only know about the ones you know about. Might there be others?)
- He is hiding the relationship to a degree.
You’re right when you say he should be allowed to have girl mates. But you’re also right to be concerned that he’s hiding them from you. If a guy respects the woman he’s committed to, he thinks about his behavior when he’s in her company, and he thinks about his behavior when he’s not with her. He asks himself: How would she feel? Is what I’m doing wrong? What are my intentions? Am I behaving in a way that is respectful to her and the relationship? Guys should be able to ask themselves a simple question: If the roles were reversed would I be okay with this? (We doubt he would be okay with you texting other guys, especially if you were keeping them secret.)
The possibly bigger issue we see is the fact that he isn’t shouting from the rooftops that he’s with you. Sure, not everyone is Tom Cruise, and jumps on a couch to declare his love—yes, that proved to be ridiculous—but when a guy is in love with a girl, he typically wants people to know. In caveman terms, it’s his way of protecting his territory. He’s saying, “Don’t mess with what’s mine.” We do realize your boyfriend is a private type of person, but the fact that he’s hiding the relationship is a red-flag in our minds, and one that might warrant some discussion.
But let’s not jump the gun. All could be fine. But you need to talk to him. Get some information. Tell him how you’re feeling. Tell him what you need. Now is not the time to pretend everything is okay. What you need is answers. The best source is him.
All the best,
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