My boyfriend excludes me from boys night

Dear Guys,

I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and we live together. Our only issues are “friends” related issues. I am all about letting him go for boys only nights. (Frankly I don’t want to see what goes on at those things anyway. Lol) But my issue is that whenever friends invite him out, group things or otherwise, I am not invited. He excludes me and has even told me I can’t come. I get all sorts of excuses, everything from you’ll glare at her, (we’re assuming there are women there) to I need lots of alone time with friends. My gut tells me something is going on behind my back. I have caught him lying to me before about continuing to speak to his exes even though I have asked him to leave the past in the past and I would do the same. I don’t know where to go from here. I feel like he is lying to me. Why else would I be completely excluded from all these nights out? To me it’s disrespectful and he’s dismissing our relationship. What does this mean and what should I do?

Kay

Dear Kay,

We don’t know the exact origin of Boys Night Out, but we do know it’s become a time-honored tradition amongst men, a night to let loose, be free, raise hell, be stupid, flirt with the line of sin, but hopefully never cross it. Similar to the man cave, it’s about having our own space, a place where we can shed the burden of decorum and revert back to being messy and outrageous boys.

However, Boys Night Out isn’t a free pass. On the contrary, Boys Night Out within the context of a committed relationship is something that needs to be discussed. (Not necessarily details, unless you don’t trust your boyfriend. More on that later.) We’re talking frequency. How often is he going out with the boys? And on what night? For example: A weekly Thursday night poker game or a weekly basketball game followed by a drink at the local watering hole, both seem appropriate. A weekly Saturday night out doesn’t. Why? Because your serious boyfriend should want to hang with you on a weekend night, especially if he works all week and goes out with his boys during the week. Either way, if he’s choosing his friends over you, you’ve got an issue on your hands. (How old is he anyway? We’re guessing early 20s.)

Boys Night Out is one thing, but an evening that involves other friends, females, possibly ex-girlfriends, is quite another beast entirely. We agree with you. His insistence that you don’t come to those events is disrespectful and a red-flag, and one that needs to be addressed. We get the sense that he doesn’t understand what it means to be in a committed relationship, that he needs to consider your feelings, the feelings of his partner. It’s important you both get what you need from the relationship, but his needs are trumping yours and that’s a problem.

Trust, even more than love, is the key ingredient in all strong relationships. A relationship with love but no trust will eventually crumble. The overriding issue here is that you don’t trust him and that he lies to you. Let’s look at both sides. It’s possible that he’s a guy who can’t be trusted. It’s also possible that he lies to you because he’s afraid to tell you the truth because you won’t be able to handle it, even if it’s somewhat innocent. Since we don’t know either of you, we can’t say, but it’s important for you to look at both sides before you talk to him. Seeing his point of view, and even acknowledging his point of view, will make it easier for him to listen to yours.

None of these issues are going to go away Kay. Time for some heart-to-heart conversations. He needs to be aware of how you’re feeling, and that what he’s doing is not working for you. You also need to get to the bottom of his lies, or purported lies. That said, trust your gut. If, even after you’ve worked this out, things still don’t feel right to you, then it’s important for you to take a hard look at the relationship, and see if it truly is something you want. What you don’t want is to be in a relationship where you question your boyfriend’s every move or word.

Let us know if you have any follow-up questions/thoughts. Please leave in the comments’ section below. You must be Logged In to do so. (It’s easy.)

And please let your friends know about us.

Thanks,

THE GUYS

Read more Relationship Advice about trust issues in relationships. 

 

 

 

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