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My boyfriend is on a swingers site

Hi Guys,
I’ve read a few things before about women “accidentally” finding out about their man on dating sites, but mine really was (or so I think!) accidental.

I’ve known my man for about fifteen months. We saw each other a few times from the middle of last year but nothing much. This year however we’ve really hit it off and things are going from good to great. Or so I thought… We both have trust issues. We are both over 40.

We have become friends first and now we are lovers and we are so comfortable with each other it just seems so very right.  Then last weekend I was at his place and we were chatting and he called me over to the computer to show me a picture he was downloading. Now given the version of windows he has, the last few downloads he had done were in a little list and I noticed that two of them were from a swinging site. I didn’t say anything at the time because I thought well hey, we’ve only really been seeing each other properly for six months and it’s probably just a self-esteem thing or a porn thing. Anyway I did log on to the site and found him within a nanosecond. He uses his own name, his own age and a picture. When I left him he logged on within 2 hours.  When he got back from a trip — a trip he had been messaging me non-stop, he logged on within the hour. I left him earlier, he logged on.

His profile isn’t verified so he hasn’t met anyone or anything, but he says he’s into all sorts of things and is kinky and looking for girls. I don’t know what to think. If I try to initiate any dirty talk with him he hates it. Our sex life has really just taken off and is fantastic, so why? He told me the other day he feels old and unsexy and I did the best I could to reassure him. Today he told me he was damaged goods. I had no problem in trusting him before but maybe not now.

He treats me in every way as though he loves me and he says he adores me but if that is the case… why?

Thanks guys for any help you can give.

Keira

Dear Keira,

Thanks for your question.

There are four possible reasons to explain why he’s on swinging sites.

1. He’s into that sort of thing and is embarrassed to tell you for fear that you might break up with him. (Remember, “swingers” often are happily married people who want more sexual partners, for themselves, or to share with their spouse. This only works if the spouse and/or partner is a willing participant. And since most people aren’t willing to share their partner, he probably assumes you’re one of those people, so he’s keeping it a secret.)

2. He’s still searching for what else is out there. (In this case, he may be happy with your relationship but he’s not completely content.)

3. He’s telling the truth. (He feels like he’s getting old, and this is his way of getting some positive strokes. But he doesn’t plan on doing anything about it.)

4. He’s worried that you might leave him since he’s damaged goods. (This is his backup plan, albeit not a very sounds one.)

So what do you think? It’s hard to say based on what little we know, and the fact that we don’t know him personally. Or you.

So you have two options. Hint around it and see if he’ll spill the beans. Or tell him how you discovered his secret and get this all out in the open. There are no guarantees he’ll be receptive to the conversation, but we’d opt for the latter. Likely, he’ll be a bit embarrassed at first until you reassure him. (If that’s what you even want to do.)

But in the end, ask yourself if you can trust this guy. You don’t want to be in a situation where you’re constantly wondering if your partner is behaving or not. Relationships need to have a solid foundation of trust in order for them to thrive and grow.

Good luck. Feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime. Leave us a comment in the comments section below.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! And please consider a small donation to THE GUYS. Use the PayPal button on the right side of any page on our site.

11 Comments on My boyfriend is on a swingers site

  1. Thanks so much guys. I did sort of try and ask but I failed dismally. I asked him if he was really looking for other women online and because we hadn’t had the talk about being ‘exclusive’ I was worried about him sleeping with other people if I wasn’t. He said he had no time to sleep with other people and he definitely didn’t speak to other women online. I didn’t mention the site and he didn’t put two and two together so I left it there. He told me he wasn’t ready to be exclusive – I knew this and didn’t have a problem with that – I felt that as time went on he could decide if we were worth it and well, he and I really do hit it off. So much in common, mutually adoring, we laugh lots and have a similar level of intelligence so learn from each other.
    Everything was okay but he then took his phone to the loo with him when we were out for a drink and as I can see his profile on this website (without logging in) I can see he is constantly logging on to it. The other day he added a ‘friend’ who lives in a place he goes to a lot… I collapsed a little. Felt sure somehow that he’s becoming a bit obsessed with the site and was definitely trying to meet people. However if I say anything to him – I know he will say we are single people and he can do as he likes…

    I was so crushed I got really sick and when I tried to get some reassurance from him (only via message as I was at home) he was cold, unfeeling, said the fact I had some things going on was not his problem. I told him I was worried about us and not sure what was happening. The day before he was planning a weekend with me and then he adds this ‘friend’ and he says it’s all off??? I just don’t know what happened.
    I haven’t spoken to him or messaged him since Tuesday when that exchange happened. He hasn’t asked me how I am although sent a row of xxxxxxxxx via message on Thursday. Nothing since.
    I don’t know what to do now or if I should do anything at all. I would be devastated to lose him as a lover but mostly as a friend. I feel he is in a bad way right now as he got some great news that should have made him happy but seemed not to.
    I’m so upset and am still recovering from being ill.
    Thanks guys.
    Keira

  2. @Keira…..We’re sorry to hear this, but not surprised. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants you, and wants to do whatever he wants with whomever he wants. And when you ask him about it he lies. Is this really a great friend? Maybe you enjoyed him as a lover, but he certainly doesn’t have your best interests in mind. And honestly, to us it seems like you’d really like to have more with him than what you’re currently getting. Don’t settle Keira, now or in the future. You deserve someone who’s willing to give what you’re giving. Relationships are a two way street. Take care.

  3. Thanks guys. We actually met up and had a serious heart to heart about everything. He has been completely honest with me and said it is just ‘looking’ at the pictures and the stories on the site but he has never and will never meet up with anyone on there. We decided that we will keep things on this level for now and see how it goes. He said he hasn’t been with anyone else since we met, nor does he actually want to. As you had said before he just felt old and did need to feel he was still attractive and that he felt undeserving of me. I do believe him. We talked about things for hours and I hope we both felt better about things at the end of it. I am happy for him to be staring at pictures as long as he saves himself for me. Time will tell I suppose after all, it’s only been 6 months and I’m not ready myself to jump in to a relationship neither of us are ready for. We are currently having fun, having laughs, having dates and enjoying each other. For as long as that makes us both happy, we’ll carry on.
    Really appreciate your help guys. Thank you.
    I’ll let you know in due course how things go.
    Keira

  4. @Keira……..Honest conversations are always good. We wish you the best. Good luck and have fun. And certainly keep us posted or come back and visit, or ask another question.

  5. I found out about 10 weeks or so ago that my fiance had been goin on swingers sites aand I can safely say that our relationship is dead in the water since I found out the only reason he’s still here is for our son and I’m due to give birth to our unborn any day now and once that day comes he is out of here (and he knows it and its killing him) bar the contact he will want with the kids I am a firm believer in once a cheat always a cheat and what he has been doin on these sites is as good as

  6. @Sara…..We’re really sorry. Hang in there and let us know if we can answer any questions. Take care.

  7. My boyfriend and i have been together just over 2 years now. Ill be the first to admit i have trust issues i was in an abusive relationship 2 years previous to my current and he used to cheat on me. I met my current partner and he was prince charming, he has treated me better then i could ever imagined, yes its not a cinderella story everyday but as relationships go i think we have a strong one, our sex life is fully there, we still have sex pretty much everyday, days off even nurmeous times. His always been a bit funny with his phone flat side down ect but i always just thought i was over thinking it and put it to the back of my head. Then about 6 weeks ago he wasnt that intrested in having sex for about 4-5 days kept saying he was tired, which is not like him at all. At the start of the week i decided to check his phone and seen he had been watching porn everyday and im not just talking one video numeuos each day. I then checked his phone a few days later still not having sex with me and looked again, i went through his interent history and found not only had he been on porn but he had been on a swingers site. (Which this site in particlur isnt just for couples, its all and anything). When alone i went on the site and made a profile so i could see how to find stuff out. A fake one at this not me or my name. Then when alone with his phone i clicked on the site, which i found he was actually on it his own profile, hidden but still active. I clicked in the recieved messages and the box was empty i then clicked in the sent messages and found one single sent message from 2 weeks previous asking if a couple were intrested in having fun with him. His name. And age. I started shaking and didnt even look at anything else. As soon as he came out the toilet i asked him if he had cheated on me, whilst crying my eyes out. He went straight to his phone, picked it up and said what you on about. I then clicked his internet with the phone still in his hand and brought up the sent message, read it out to him. And he denyed sending it. His name at the bottom was spelt differently that was his excuse thats not even how you spell my name. I then told him his been on the site all week, actually searching for women in our area. After letting me press the friend button (which there were two friends there, one pornstar and one women from the next town which i dont know) i then clicked on pictures and there were two pictures of his face and a picture of his penis in a private folder which when going to look at the penis picture he then snactched the phone off of me and said look ill delete the profile, pressed a few buttons then kept hold of his phone. I cried my eyes out to him, asked him what it was all about, he then told me he just goes on it to read the stories he had created the account when he was with his previous partner becuase his work mate had said if your not getting any sex at home, get on this site. Told me he never met anyone off of there and only wants me. I know a cheater and he acted all the right ways. I had to go to work aftet this, i then gave said to him to tell me everything or anything that could effect our relationship in the future now and ill try my best to put it behind us if he truly does what me after he had said i satisfy him sexually and im all he wants there was nothing else he said. I told him i was fine with him going crazy with porn if he wants but i couldnt cope with him looking at people in the area in that way. He said he wouldnt. So about 2 weeks ago i remembered id made that fake profile, i went on it thinking to delete it as it was all behind us, but before i did that i typed his user name in and low and behold it was there but said profile is hidden, i added him to a hotlist which still wouldnt let me see his profile but i coukd see there were 2 private photos in the box and it also said when he was last online a month ago. Feeling confused as to why the profile was still there at all, i checked on this fake one to delete it as he deleted it in front of me, well thats what i thought. And it came up with one last are you sure you will not be able to get the profile back. I went off it, i contemplated asking him but ovbs that would mean he would know i knew and i didnt want to give him any reason to go back onto it. Still having sex everyday, me still occasional looking at his history, porn on there but no swingers site. I felt a lot more relaxed, still wondering though. So id say its been 7 weeks since this all started. 3 days ago i came away for my friends hen party, were going home today though. I woke up after a bad dream, my gut said check so i did About 2 hours ago and it says he was last active 1 day ago. I honestly dont know what to do? Im in spain, i dont want to say it over the phone or to be honest when i get home. I asked him last time after seeing proof of the message and he denyied it. I gave him a chance and he said there was nothing. Part of me whats to wait and go on the site again to see if theres more messages, some proof for my own eyes so he cant just deny it. Weve moved into my mums so we can save for a morgate together, so its not like his got anywhere else to go. Im crazy about him and id do anything for him but i have to have respect for myself i wont put myself back where i was before but is going on this site cheating? Has he got an addiction to it? Am i just making up excuses for him? What the hell do i do today? Please tell me if im stupid?

  8. @Megan…This sounds hard. We’ll respond Thursday morning EST. Until then, hang in there.

  9. @Megan…..We are live now. Any changes to your situation? Porn can be addictive, but typically men do it to satisfy some of their fantasies. In general, as long as their porn watching doesn’t interfere with their relationship it’s probably fine. That said, your boyfriend is well past that point. It’s hard to say if he’s been cheating, but it does seem that he’s on there for more than just a fantasy. What does your gut tell you?

  10. I have now been with my boyfriend for 4 years. When we first got together we were just starting college. After getting to know him for a few months I found out he had been sleeping with someone else. Since we were not very serious and still young I decided to give him a real chance about a month later when he reached out to me. We have lived together for 2 years and I have definitely had major trust issues but for the most part everything has been fine. He is a college athlete so he gets a lot of attention which makes things much harder. About 2 months ago I found that he had made a fake Facebook and was on multiple swingers groups and just very sexual groups pretending to me a different person. He didn’t have any messages he exchanged or anything with people through that. He promised it was nothing and it would stop. The Facebook has stopped bc he gave me the password. But he left his email up on the computer the other day I there were emails he exchanged with a couple he met in a bar. They told him to join a swingers site and message them. So he did. The woman was probably 60 and my BF is 24. The couple asked him to meet up a couple times but he didn’t respond. Then one day I went out of town for the weekend he emailed back saying he could meet up but the couple never emailed back. He swears he did not meet them. His mom told me since he was young he’s always been into porn and she would catch him watching it. Our sex life is great and we have sex a lot. We have always gotten along great and had a lot in common. I just do not understand at all. Could he be addicted to things like that? Could he be doing it maybe bc the attention makes him feel good about himself? I’ve never known him to have low confidence though. I’m just so lost….

  11. @Ally….We’re sorry. It’s hard to say why he’s doing it. But the question is: How do you feel about it? Let’s say he hasn’t met up with anyone. Are you okay with that as long as he’s not having sex with other people? It’s important for you to first assess what you need from him, and from a relationship and then go from there. Do you think intent to cheat is cheating? Let us know and we’ll get back to you.

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