I’ve read a few things before about women “accidentally” finding out about their man on dating sites, but mine really was (or so I think!) accidental.
I’ve known my man for about fifteen months. We saw each other a few times from the middle of last year but nothing much. This year however we’ve really hit it off and things are going from good to great. Or so I thought… We both have trust issues. We are both over 40.
We have become friends first and now we are lovers and we are so comfortable with each other it just seems so very right. Then last weekend I was at his place and we were chatting and he called me over to the computer to show me a picture he was downloading. Now given the version of windows he has, the last few downloads he had done were in a little list and I noticed that two of them were from a swinging site. I didn’t say anything at the time because I thought well hey, we’ve only really been seeing each other properly for six months and it’s probably just a self-esteem thing or a porn thing. Anyway I did log on to the site and found him within a nanosecond. He uses his own name, his own age and a picture. When I left him he logged on within 2 hours. When he got back from a trip — a trip he had been messaging me non-stop, he logged on within the hour. I left him earlier, he logged on.
His profile isn’t verified so he hasn’t met anyone or anything, but he says he’s into all sorts of things and is kinky and looking for girls. I don’t know what to think. If I try to initiate any dirty talk with him he hates it. Our sex life has really just taken off and is fantastic, so why? He told me the other day he feels old and unsexy and I did the best I could to reassure him. Today he told me he was damaged goods. I had no problem in trusting him before but maybe not now.
He treats me in every way as though he loves me and he says he adores me but if that is the case… why?
Thanks guys for any help you can give.
Thanks for your question.
There are four possible reasons to explain why he’s on swinging sites.
1. He’s into that sort of thing and is embarrassed to tell you for fear that you might break up with him. (Remember, “swingers” often are happily married people who want more sexual partners, for themselves, or to share with their spouse. This only works if the spouse and/or partner is a willing participant. And since most people aren’t willing to share their partner, he probably assumes you’re one of those people, so he’s keeping it a secret.)
2. He’s still searching for what else is out there. (In this case, he may be happy with your relationship but he’s not completely content.)
3. He’s telling the truth. (He feels like he’s getting old, and this is his way of getting some positive strokes. But he doesn’t plan on doing anything about it.)
4. He’s worried that you might leave him since he’s damaged goods. (This is his backup plan, albeit not a very sounds one.)
So what do you think? It’s hard to say based on what little we know, and the fact that we don’t know him personally. Or you.
So you have two options. Hint around it and see if he’ll spill the beans. Or tell him how you discovered his secret and get this all out in the open. There are no guarantees he’ll be receptive to the conversation, but we’d opt for the latter. Likely, he’ll be a bit embarrassed at first until you reassure him. (If that’s what you even want to do.)
But in the end, ask yourself if you can trust this guy. You don’t want to be in a situation where you’re constantly wondering if your partner is behaving or not. Relationships need to have a solid foundation of trust in order for them to thrive and grow.
Good luck. Feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime. Leave us a comment in the comments section below.
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