My boyfriend is on dating sites; Is he cheating?


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Hi Guys,

My boyfriend has just walked out on me after three years of what I thought was a great relationship. I discovered by accident he had been using a dating site, and in the last two months had been winking and flirting with women on it. I didn’t say anything for a couple of days because I was in shock and wanted to be calm when I discussed it with him.

When I did he looked me in the eye and said he would never, ever do that to me. At that point I did get mad and told him to leave. He then said it was my fault for being insecure. Now he won’t speak to me. And he has made me feel like I’m such an awful person. But then he sent me an odd text saying he loves me.

I’m in bits. I feel like my life isn’t worth living. Where did I go wrong?


Dear Kacey,

Thanks for your question.

This is an example of a guy getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar and then denying it ever happened. And in your case his strategy seems to be working. Because now you’re second guessing yourself, and wondering if maybe you’re the problem. Yes, you did breach the trust of your relationship by snooping, but we can assure you that you’re not the one who caused irreparable damage to the relationship. He did. So let’s look at what really happened.

We assume something must have tipped you off, causing you to be suspicious of your boyfriend. Because otherwise we can’t see how you could “accidentally” discover he was on a dating site. (That’s why “accident” is in quotes.) But the problem here, is once you procure information in a covert fashion it’s very difficult to do much with it. Once you tell him how you discovered the information he’ll immediately shut down and feel that you violated the trust of your relationship. And if you don’t tell him, you set him up to lie even further. Either way, it’s a tough place to work from.

Hmmm…….kind of a Catch 22 wouldn’t you say?

However, even though you “accidentally” discovered the information, now that you have it, it trumps any argument he can raise. Because when it comes right down to it, he’s the one who breached the trust of the relationship. He should be apologizing to you, asking for forgiveness, and agreeing to go to couples’ counseling, or whatever else it takes to restore the trust.

And relationships are built on just that: trust. We don’t see a lot of it between the two of you. Sure, it’s clear he loves you, but that doesn’t mean he’s a great boyfriend, and someone to throw your lot in with. Any guy trolling a dating site while he’s in a relationship is cheating, plain and simple. You might say, “But he never did anything?” To which we’d respond, “But only because the opportunity didn’t present itself.”

Kacey, ask yourself if this is the kind of person you want to build a life with? Without trust, love doesn’t mean much.

Please leave us a follow up comment and/or question here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well.

Good luck,


ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

20 Comments on My boyfriend is on dating sites; Is he cheating?

  1. @Macy……Thanks for sharing your story. We’re sorry. This man doesn’t seem to appreciate what he has. Where do things stand currently?

  2. Shannon S // May 15, 2019 at 10:16 am //

    I also just found my bf of 5yrs profile on one of those sites. This wouldn’t be the first time but I certainly didn’t think he’d do it again. Foolish of me. He doesn’t know that I know. IDK how to approach the situation but it’s tearing me up inside. As I begin putting the pieces of this puzzle together All the little (HUGE) pieces (his brand of condoms showing up in randomly peculiar places, sudden outbursts of anger, shutting down any/all forms of communication, accusations, etc etc etc) begin making sense. I don’t get it, tho. Why am I not enough for him?
    I’m better looking than any one of those girls on that site.
    Then again, why do I need his approval? Where do I find the strength & courage to leave this relationship? Why don’t I want to leave? Why do I always go back? I’m obviously a wreck right now. Idk what to do…

  3. I stayed with my bf after the first time I caught him in dating sites. Then one morning we had the slightest tiff over nothing and he took that as an opportunity to leave, I was dumbfounded. Things were so good, or so I thought. I didn’t look before that, so I can’t say for sure, but I find 2 profiles for him on plenty of fish. I think he probably had been on it for awhile.

    If I could do it over, I would totally catfish him and catch him good. Get him convinced to leave me for this new girl, then drop the bomb once he did. I know that seems mean, but what he did to me ripped my heart out and crapped all over it. I would love to have been able to turn the tables.

  4. @Shannon…..We’re very sorry. This sounds difficult. So why do you stay? Don’t you think you deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you the way you love and respect them? Clearly, he’s not up to the task. As per these other women. This is not about whether they’re better than you or not, or better looking or not. This is about your boyfriend’s need for approval from many different women, which means one woman won’t be able to satisfy him. It’s also about his lust for variety. All men feel it—yes, even the nice guys— but most men respect their partner enough not to act on it. So what are you going to do? (If you want to have a more in-depth discussion, we’d recommend our private service. There, we’re able to really dig in and have a more meaningful conversation than we can have here.)

  5. @Dina…..That might feel good for the moment. But the fact is, you’ve been betrayed and that hurts. We are sorry. That said, you dodged a bullet and that should be your mindset moving forward. There are honest, respectful and loving men out there. And you deserve to be with someone who treats you right and considers your feelings when he’s out in the world making decisions. Take care.

  6. To update, it took 3 years after I discovered the dog that he was and gave him too much credit for him to finally leave me. Since then, I’ve actually been enlightened…a lot. I signed up on dating sites to find him and see what he had been up to. And I ended up staying just to distract myself. I talked to a few guys. I made it clear to them all that I’m not in a new relationship spot right now. I was just spending time getting rid of the quiet.

    Then someone messaged me. He was very polite. Very smart and we had everything in common. I made it clear to him that he’s in the friend zone. My biggest goal was to forget what was done to me.

    But we have a LOT in common. And we have the same sense of humor. My brain is switching gears and I’m starting to realize that I have missed all the intelligent conversation that I craved. I had been putting all my hopes and dreams into my ex, a caveman, and the only reason I did was because he was my first boyfriend in high school. I finally realized I was in love with the idea of revisiting a fairy tale that was never really real. But he was dumb as a box of rocks. I compromised a lot too be with him.

    I started to realize that there are smart men out there who I am attracted to. I am still holding back for now. I don’t want to make someone a rebound because I don’t want to hurt someone. But I do now realize that I need someone I can talk to and laugh with.

    It sucks what I went through. But I actually feel freed right now.

  7. @Dina…..Thanks for sharing this update. You sound like you’re in such a good place. That’s so great. Please keep us posted and come back anytime. (ps. Did we mention our book to you? You might find it interesting. And it’s certainly a fast read. “Inside your Guy’s Mind” on Amazon.

  8. I’m looking on Amazon and I cannot find it. I did find “Inside A Guy’s Mind:What Guys Really Think About Girls, but it’s a female author. Do you have a link?

  9. @Dina…..Did you find it? Click the link on our last comment or go to our website and click the banner and it will take you right there. Sorry for the confusion. Thanks.

  10. Yes, I did and have been reading it. A lot is hitting home. Thank you!

  11. @Dina….Good to hear. 🙂 Let us know if you have a question about anything. (And if you feel the urge, we’d appreciate any positive review on Amazon. You know how it works there.) Thanks!

  12. met a guy last year on pof and have been seeing him since. deleted my profile after 3 days without discussing it or out of obligation/expectation of him to do the same. We spend every weekend, met each other’s kids, made future plans, etc He is great. I never asked him to take his profile down. I can browse and see without having an account that he goes on at least once a day, sometimes several. Even while I’m right next to him or right after I leave. Pretty sure I even know who he chats with. He doesn’t know I know, not sure I want to tell. I’ve screenshotted it, then deleted it instead of sending it to him because it feels petty. Not because I feel like I’m snooping or it’s somehow an invasion of privacy to see what he does on the World Wide Web, for all of public w/ access to Internet. I want something serious now and as much as I love him and wanted it to be with him, I can’t see it happening. He is still on pof thinking im oblivious. He may forever hope to upgrade. This is no foundation for anything. I think I just want out. I’m glad to know about it now, than be caught off guard in 3 4 5 years. Do I ghost him? Bring this up to be fed bs lines? I’ve no desire to hurt or shame him, he can do whatever he wants but I don’t want to continue to feel hurt & humiliated either. Is there a way that offers dignity/respect to both? I think confronting him about it might just get a knee-jerk reaction, and he’d just hide it better after. What do I say/do?

  13. One way may be to just print off your question and hand it to him. It is clear and concise.

  14. @Lindsay…..We’re sorry. Let’s back up for a moment. So have you two talked at all about your relationship? Have you defined it? (Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Partners, Exclusive, etc.??) Have you talked about the future? That might be a good place to start. Meaning, that would give him an opportunity to tell you the truth. Not that he’s on dating sites, but that he’s not ready for anything serious. What do you think?

  15. Lindsay // July 1, 2019 at 5:30 am //

    I kinda like the idea of printing it and handing it to him. I don’t want to be hurtful. Otherwise I’d just ghost him. Don’t want to do that but don’t want to have to confront or explain, either. Maybe making an account to message him a polite little goodbye right on the site. A friendly “I see you’re here, and arent quite content with us. Sorry for that, but I do hope it works out for you, wish you the best and hope you can find or have found whatever you’re looking for”
    and guy, you’re right. We never established any label. When we first met he wasn’t ready for anything serious, and neither was I. He was fresh out of a long marriage, I was fresh out of a long term, albeit unstable relationship with baby daddy. He did say that even, and added that he wasn’t a manwhore though, and when he sees a girl, it’s one girl. I may have misconstrued that what we were doing was seeing each other. It’s cool, I’ve resumed my other conversations as well. Can’t say I’ve been looking for something new, but i won’t cut out people that maybe I should have given more consideration, who would potentially want something serious and only want me. I don’t know.. Is that even a thing?

  16. @Lindsay….Is that a thing? It’s definitely a thing. But as you’re realizing, actions don’t tell the whole tale. In order to really know what’s going on you might have to have an actual face-to-face-heart-to-heart conversation. Of course, with technology ruling the day that might not be a thing anymore. But worth a try. Good luck with everything. ps. For a fun/interesting read, check out our ebook, Inside your Guy’s mind.

  17. I think it was worth a try. I was so in love.. The damage is already done though. I avoided the whole face to face and heart to heart. I created a temp profile, sent him a short well-wishes message right on pof, just yesterday actually, then blocked him from replying, once he read it and said “hi?” then deleted the profile as soon as pof would let me, after 24 hrs. Also blocked him from texting or calling my phone in the meantime. I know this one is on me. I didn’t offer more than a 5 minute chance to explain. I think I don’t want to know. The confrontation is terrifying. Even sending a little sad face made me ridiculously anxious. He’s not an intimidating or unreasonable person, it’s just me. These conversations probably wouldn’t go as badly as I imagine they would.. But then again, maybe they would and it would cut too deeply. I think I’m old enough and have enough kids and responsibilities that I should maybe forget the whole dating thing, altogether. I’m clearly not cut out for it. I’ll still read your ebook lol it does sound interesting. Thank you 🙂

  18. @Lindsay……We understand. And you’re right. The conversation probably would have been relatively reasonable. But sometimes it’s not necessary to process. When you’re done you’re done. That said, we are sorry. This sounds tough. Hang in there. And of course, no pressure to read the book, but we do think you’ll enjoy. And if you do, a great review on Amazon would be much appreciated. 🙂 (You know how that works.) Take care Lindsay.

  19. Carebear42 // July 15, 2019 at 3:41 pm //

    Please forgive me I have never messaged anyone for advice before, but being Married for almost 20 years there’s a lot that I still don’t know. First I must mention that my Husband was in the Air Force for 16years and we have 2 children Son just turned 18 and our daughter will be 15. Anyway, I have MS and I was diagnosed when I was 27. Sex wasn’t something that we were lacking in our earlier stage of Marriage but lately, he just hasn’t been that sweet loving and consoling man that I feel in love with. I have changed as well but I am always that happy bubbly person (as I always have) NOW he’s telling me that I embarrass him and he makes fun of me tells me things like “You Dress like a Man, Sing songs that men sing and that your a cold hearted bitch an so on. So, sorry long story short over this past weekend I thought hey “why not wake him up by giving him a bj? Friday night was cool but, then I tried to surprise him again on Saturday (we had nothing going on Sunday) and he told me to roll over. So, I proceeded to please myself and he says
    “Are you fucking kidding me I am trying to sleep”. So, what am I suppose to think? He’s with his phone 1hr in the morning (before work) and then again when he comes home… I know the sign but I just want someone’s advice that is not in this realationship because honestly he is making me second guess everything that I do or say.

  20. @Carebear42…..Well, we can’t speak to his phone usage. Sure, it’s possible he’s up to no good but we wouldn’t want to speculate. That said, what is concerning is the way he speaks to you and treats you. So question: What made you fall in love with him? And do you still love him? Do you like him? Meaning, do you have fun together? What is working in your relationship if anything? (What would he say he likes about you?)

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