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My boyfriend is pulling away; why?

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Hey Guys,

So after two years of deciding that finding the right guy was impossible like a typical, pissed-off, 22 year-old sorority girl, I ended up meeting an incredible guy three months ago who seemed like a real prince charming. He took me out on romantic dates, held the door, walked me home, brought me roses just because, e.t.c.

I am not even close to this high maintenance and generally do not require this much attention from guys although the good morning texts really brightened my days as well as evening phone calls and texting when he was not able to come over that day. I was pretty much blown away that there were still guys like this around, and the fact that after my relationship failures of the past I had found a really nice and caring guy who actually listened when I talked and who I had fun with was mind-blowing.

So anyway, we eventually become official after about a month, and then everything changed two weeks after that. He stopped calling, and now only texts me when I text him. He stopped making an effort to hang out. Then last week when I was leaving the state for a month he told me he was sorry but could not see me before I left because he made vacation plans for the weekend. Now we barely talk and I just feel annoying when I try to contact him which is ridiculous because he is my boyfriend and he was so into me a couple weeks ago. There were no fights or disagreements that brought this on, and the only conclusion I can come to is that he’s over me or the family issues he’s dealing with are too much.

Now I am away and miserable, and part of me wants to just dump him, but I also need to know if there is any hope. People keep telling me to have a talk with him, but I know how that whole psycho girlfriend “we need to talk” thing goes, and I really don’t want to be that girl.

Please help!

Sincerely,

Stacey

Dear Stacey,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re feeling so miserable.

We can think of two explanations for his odd behavior, and his change of heart. (If that’s what’s going on.)

1. Here’s a guy who loves the IDEA of being in love. He’s a romantic, and he loves how he feels when courting a woman. But he’s also a guy that tends to do a 180 whenever his relationship “fantasy” starts to feel more real. (As soon as you became a couple he started backpedaling.)

2. He had sex with you and then decided he wasn’t that into you. We say this because a guy—most guys—don’t really know how they feel until they have sex with a woman. (Maybe not after one time, but a few times.) That’s when they can really gauge their feelings. That’s when they deal with the precipitous drop in hormones, and have to ask themselves the hard question: “Do I really care for this woman, or was I just really horny?” Sorry to be so crass about it, but when you break it down to its simplest form, that’s what it looks like. And this isn’t really about Good Sex vs. Bad Sex, it’s something deeper that guys either feel or don’t feel.

You mention family issues, but we doubt that has anything to do with it. In fact, having a woman you love during hard times is a wonderful thing, for support. (Having a woman you love is wonderful in good times too.) So if he’s saying this is the issue, it’s just an excuse. And don’t make this excuse for him.

We agree with your friends. You need to talk with him about what’s going on. You deserve an explanation. And frankly, we already have an uneasy feeling about this, so if he freaks out and tells you that he can’t date you because you’re putting too much pressure on him, well, then that’s just another excuse. What we’re saying is, we can’t guarantee a positive outcome if you have “the talk.” But we can guarantee you’ll get answers. And that’s what you need right now. Don’t worry about the “psycho girlfriend” moniker. In our minds, he’s the one who’s flirting with that label.

What do you think? Responses? If you have follow-up questions leave them in the comments section below this post. We’re happy to answer as many as you have.

Take care and good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. Also, follow us on Twitter: @TGPB

Read More Relationship Advice and Dating Advice: Men Pulling Away


43 Comments on My boyfriend is pulling away; why?

  1. @Mick…….We’re sorry. What exactly do you want to know? It seems pretty clear that something has changed for him unfortunately. What that is is hard to say? Our advice: Go visit him even if you’re not sure. You need answers and you’re not going to get them from far away. But watch carefully how he acts AFTER you have sex, not before. If he’s like most guys, at first he’ll be very excited to see you and want to have sex with you. After that, he’ll be more real. Good luck.

  2. Hey Guys,
    I need some advice, although I have a feeling I know where this is going 🙁 I have been seeing this guy for 2 months now. He would email/text me numerous times a day and we would see each other once or twice a week, only because of our crazy busy schedules. Last Friday things went a little further than they ever have, not sex, but very close. Because of my low self-esteem, I stupidly started panicking when I didnt hear back from him the next day. I sent him 2 nasty emails saying that I cant believe he would do this to me and that he was just using me to get what he wanted. Sunday night he emailed me back saying that his cell phone and internet has been cut for non-payment and that he couldnt believe what I was accusing him of. I ended up asking him to call me on the following Tuesday and he did. I apologized over and over and told him that I have low self-esteem issues. We got off the phone and he texted me 20 minutes later explaining how hurt he was that I could think that of him and that he will take it one day at a time now. I didnt hear from him in two days, so yesterday I texted him one more time saying that I will be dropping off his cell phone to the house when no one is home and that I am done. I will back off completley and leave him alone. I ended it with I LOVE U. We have NEVER said that to each other, but I really wanted him to know since I was walking away. I am in so much pain right now that I can’t sleep, eat, think or anything. I did not want to walk away, but I know I cannot chase him. So my question is, what do you think are the possibilities of him coming back? During the 2 months things were awesome. He wanted to see me much more, but I couldn’t. Feeling so down and very upset with myself 🙁

  3. @Kimmie……Maybe you have self-esteem issues but your guy is feeding into them. Meaning, he doesn’t seem like a great communicator. Or at least he doesn’t seem to value communication the same way you do. Which means he’s not very aware of how people work. He should have knows that once the two of you finally had sex, or at least got close, that you might need to hear from him the next day. So we don’t blame you for getting upset. However, you went a bit overboard, and that’s where your self-esteem is an issue. The initial feeling was normal, your reaction was not. And we urge you to seek some help with that, someone to talk you, a professional, who might be able to help walk you through these types of scenarios and give you some strategies to help you cope. That said, your guy is probably is not sure what to think anymore. But the ball is in his court. You apologized several times. There’s not much more you can do. But remember this: You might love him, and want him back, but that doesn’t mean he’s the best match for you. Good luck.

  4. Thanks for the quick reply. I am just playing the “No Contact” thing and see what happens. I haven’t contacted him since Thursday when I texted him saying that I am dropping off his cell phone and that I love him. Your right, the ball is in his court. I just can’t help but feel that I have completely messed this up. We have only known each other for
    2 1/2 months, so Im sure he thinks I am crazy and there will be no way that he will come back. From what I am reading, men like women who are secure with themselves and run for the hills with women like me. I guess all I can do is just wait. The hardest thing in the world, but thats all I can do. Thanks again 🙂

  5. @kimmie….Good luck.

  6. Hi guys – I originally posted 6/17 and wanted to tie out with you as promised, as it’s been a few weeks! I’ve been conducting myself with him as I said I would – not pushing or convincing him, just letting things unfold on his timeline. And we continue to spend time together; he still heaps the praise on me and indicates he enjoys our time together. When we are together, he is very affectionate with me. His communication style between dates is brief and mostly geared at making plans – no phone calls, just texts or email. He is out of town again (this past Weds through Sunday night – longstanding plans to go camping with a group of his friends). Is it weird he didn’t invite me? He’d indicated he’s looking for an LTR, but is his style sustainable for one with me?

    If I’m seeing someone who has indicated interest in finding an LTR and things seem to be going well, my true nature is to focus on that person and the developing relationship – and not to entertain other options. But being a realist with experience as my teacher, I keep my profile open until we’ve established exclusivity. (Although I keep it open, I’m not actively engaging with other men.)

    Here’s the thing: my profile has been deluged with visits and messages over the past several weeks. And last night out of curiosity, I accessed both profile and mail, which also houses initial conversations with the guy I’m seeing (we stopped communicating through the site after we’d met in person). Lo and behold – his main profile pic was updated to a portrait he took 6/21! Taking it to heart that I should really be conducting myself as one who is still on the market (because I am), I uploaded a recent picture of myself for use as my main profile pic.

    I know I really need to have a conversation with him – sooner than later. Maybe a simple email along the lines of: “I really enjoy spending time together with you and I’m wondering where you see things going. I realize we’re not in a committed relationship and we both reserve right to see others, and I’m not trying to create an issue where there potentially isn’t one – but I’d feel a lot more comfortable if I understood how you see things.”

    We’re seeing each other at first opportunity (Tuesday) – I invited him to join me for a concert; several of my friends will be there too, actually.

    What do you think of this situation and my approach? I’m an advocate for open communication, but it’s a bit tricky.

  7. Hey guys! I need help! Me and my boyfriend have the worst fights ever! It’s always over the way he speaks to me. I can’t take the tone and additued that he uses. And when I tell him it’s there 95% of the time he gets mad at me and freaks out. From there it just get bad, he starts sayin rude and childish things like ” you can stop flappin your gums I ain’t listen” , puttin his fingers in his ears and sayin he ain’t Listin. To pinchin his tv and brakin it and tellin me where to go how to get there and ignorin me. He always walks away well I’m tryin to talk it out with him. Well I had told him that I was fed up and if this doesn’t change we will be over. He started to pack up his stuff like he does alot of the times when we fight. And about 5 mins later came back in the room cry askin why he always does this. He told me that he will change and that he will stop bein ignorant. Well our fight yesterday he did all the same things and when he finally got to the point where we could talk I asked him if he even remembered what he said he would do next time we got into a fight. He said that he didn’t. Now he does have a bad memory and if I don’t keep on him like his mother he would forget 75% of what he needs to do. But my question is if this has always happened and if he can’t remember what he said he would do to stop bein this way. Will he be able to change! I even told him that he can’t be doin it for me that he needs to want to change and that he needs to do it for himself and he said he did. Please help. I need to know if it’s worth all the fightin or if its just always goin to be the same. Cause it’s sure not fair to me to be disrespected so much by the one that says he loves me Thank you Layla

  8. Hi guys – It’s Laura again, from 8:55. Not sure if this has valuable insight into his mindset, but thought I’d share an anecdote. In his car after the movies last weekend, he asked if he could share an awkward moment. Seems a serious ex-girlfriend of 3 years was seated directly in front of me (she took her seat after he and I were seated); they didn’t so much as make eye contact. He said it was awkward because they hadn’t seen each other since she moved out 3 years ago. The relationship ended because she wasn’t taking any responsibility for the issues in her life (mental AND physical – she was stressed out, and her way of dealing was to binge; she was morbidly obese as a result – and she also lived well beyond her means and had accumulated significant debt), despite his efforts to help her. I understand his perspective completely.

  9. Again! He said he “couldn’t marry someone who won’t do the work needed to take care of herself.” and that her issues were overwhelming him. So this indicates that he is someone who wants marriage, but . . . what do I do with this information?

  10. hi guys, need your advice. I began work at a new place at the end of last year and I met this guy, John. A few months into the job I became really friendly with John and he made it clear he was trying to pursue me on a romantic level, I always played hard to get as I was never sure of my feelings for him, often ignoring him yet he would still always try and ask me out again and again. I eventually gave in and agreed to see him, our first date turned out to be incredible, and we really hit it off, so much so that I ended up staying the night although I did make it clear that I didn’t usually do things like that and I didn’t want him to think I was so easy. We saw each other again the following weekend but this time I didn’t sleep with him and he seemed alright with this and continued texting me all the time, I really enjoyed talking to him as he always made me feel wanted and he was always eager to talk to me, even telling everyone in the workplace about us in a boastful way and I was really falling for him. Then I went to his house one night and everything was great, we talked all night, he gave me a massage and we had great sex, he even suggested at one point that I was his girl and he told me he pulled up another guy we worked with for trying to pursue me which why would he do if he dodnt like me. I ended up staying over again and he gave me a ride home in the morning however I didn’t kiss him goodbye. That was 2 weeks ago, Ever since then he has been ignoring me, and if he is talking to me he has been cold and nasty, I tried asked him when he initially began ignoring me but he ignored me when I asked if I done anything wrong. I have resorted to just cutting all contact with him but I want to know what happened, and do boys usually pull away when things are going great and if he will come back or if he just is not that into me.

  11. Me and my ex boyfriend met about a year and a half ago, we talked for about 4 months and then he made me his girlfriend. Not really in the most romantic way, he just said “hey, i have been calling you my girlfriend to everyone” which is fine with me because I actually enjoy his standoffish nature.

    We dated for about 4 months and then in Jan, I got him a party bus for his birthday and got his friends together (who are some of my best friends as well) and I was sitting next to a friends girlfriend talking to her and he came up, put his hand on her knee, and kissed her neck right next to me! Well, I didnt talk to him for a week, and then I finally forgave him for everything and said it wouldnt come up again. I then very stupidely brought it up 2 more times. Fast forward to about 5 months later (still in a relationship) and He told me he was going to move in with 3 of our friends, and since I knew this girl was going to be there, I supported the idea, but I told him I didnt trust him and I thought we were going to move in together. He said not till marriage, which he said he never wanted previously. Then, the next day we decided to go on a 2 week break with minimal contact, (we talked about 2 or 3 times) and then I couldnt take it any longer and I had to call him, I called him freaking out, being like “when are we gonna be off of a break” and he said, its a feeling, you cant put a time limit on it, which made me angry because he said he loved me and then didnt do anything to fight for it. We got off the phone and he said “I do love you and you are worth it to me” then he said we’ll see how things go and then I wrote him a letter, and put it on his car, telling him my honest feelings, even my therapist said it was well written. I thought for sure this was going to change our relationship but to my suprise, he broke up with me a week later telling me “the spark was gone and he wasnt attracted to me anymore and that he saw a trend in our relationship and he didnt like it for his life. But I cant stop thinking about him and I want him back. I realize that he needed space and I want to give it to him. Do you think we will have a chance back together? Even if he told me “he doesn’t go back to exes” I called him right after the breakup and left him a crying voicemail and then texted him the next day and told him how sorry I was that I reacted like that and he said “I feel like a terrible person and I hate that I have to hurt someone I love so much” then, I texted him I accept it and I am tryin to move on with my life. Then we didnt talk for a few days and then I texted him last tuesday (1 week after the breakup) and asked him to a movie, and he said he would love to go, but then stupidely on friday, I texted him how I was excited to go and I hope he had a good day at work and how my life was shitty the past week and i needed someone to talk to and that I had already been out on 2 dates and couldnt get into them.

    I know I should leave him alone, and I fully intend to, but will he ever come back? Should I just be friends with him, build a relationship with him and hope that he sees me in a different light? I am so confused. Please help. I made a donation. I hope it helps. God Bless.

  12. @Crystal……….We’re really sorry you’re having a hard time. Breakups are really tough. We’ll try to shed some light on what he’s been thinking about before and after the breakup. Maybe that will help. First off, be assured that your behavior was not why he broke up with you. It’s clear he was thinking about it for sometime. Maybe he needed a reason to break up with you and created one by kissing that other girl in front of you. Many people aren’t strong enough to break up with someone so they do what they can to sabotage the relationship so the other person will do it. Maybe in the end he broke up with you, but he got the ball rolling by his actions, just enough where he wouldn’t feel ultra-guilty if he broke up with you. Does this make sense? Crystal, unfortunately, most relationships are good for a time and then they run their course and end. You don’t say how old the two of you are but we bet young. 20-24 possibly, maybe younger? Which means, he’s far from being ready for anything serious. This is not to get your hopes up to think that maybe when he’s older he’ll want you back. We’re just saying that we’ve seen this pattern many times before. If he’s already been on two dates it’s because he’s been talking to these other girls for a while. Maybe he never cheated but he’s been thinking about being with other women during the time you were together. Our advice: Move on. Don’t hang out with him and be his friend, that’s not going to help you. Let yourself grieve and surround yourself with people who love you, and then try to move on. We’re sorry. We know that’s not what you hoped to hear but we’re just trying to be honest and help you. Take care. And thanks for your donation. We do appreciate it.

  13. Crystal // July 22, 2013 at 7:23 pm //

    I was the one that went on the 2 dates last week and told him about it, He doesnt “like” girls, he says they bore him and dont have much in common with, well except me of course. and we were together for 4 months before he was kissing the girl on the neck. I dont think cheating is the issue. I am 100% sure it is not actually. He wrote me a birthday card in March (right after the incident) and it says “I love you so much, I hope you had a great birthday and I hope to be around for many more”

    The relationship started to get bad only about a month ago. We started fighting alot and not hanging out as much. He says “the spark is gone” but then wanted a break? So i dont really understand his thought process. I met his family, and they LOVE me and I still talk to his sisters and mother, I am best friends with his friends (for longer then him actually) so i feel like I have a good chance to reignite the spark. What do you guys think?

  14. Crystal // July 22, 2013 at 7:29 pm //

    PS. Hes 25, I am 23. I have my own house, job, car, etc. and He still lives with his parents, which I also think might have been an issue for him, since he is a capricorn, they like to be the big dog and they are very career oriented. I am literally everything he wants, but I got needy and I feel like he just couldnt handle it anymore. I have told him how sorry I am and he knows this, I think he just needs time to process his hurt and feelings (cuz i told him i didnt trust him)

    I feel like i stopped being the girl he fell in love with and started being another person. He wants to remain friends, but I want more.

  15. @Crystal…..We try not to say never. But if he says the “spark is gone” then he probably means it. We’re sure his family loves you, but they are separate from him. They might have some influence, but he’s old enough to make his own decisions. We’d say give this a little bit more time, but it’s likely he’s moving on. We’re really sorry. (And sorry for the mixup about the 2 dates.)

  16. @Alice…….Boys pull away when they are players. Clearly, he didn’t feel the way you were feeling, he just acted like it. You didn’t do anything wrong. So don’t start thinking that way, or asking him what you did wrong. This is who he is. And he’s not who you thought he was. We’re sorry. Time to move on. Hang in there.

  17. If I am dating a girl for a few months and she has yet to plan and pay for a date, then I will start to withdraw. Just because he takes you out to places doesn’t mean he doesn’t want some reciprocating.

    I enjoy taking my girl out. But if she doesn’t reciprocate by taking me out to inexpensive dinners on a regular basis, then I will lose interest. I am surprised nobody brought that up as a possible reason why the OPs boyfriend started pulling back.

  18. @John…..Thanks for your input. Everyone has a different take on this. For us: It’s nice when the woman offers after a while, especially when she’s in an exclusive relationship. (And especially since women make as much money as men these days) However, we’re fine paying for everything at the beginning stages. Sometimes reciprocation comes in other ways if you know what we’re sayin’! But we do agree that women shouldn’t take guys for granted and a simple gesture or offer to pay is much appreciated. It gives the guy a chance to accept or decline. Sometimes that’s enough.

  19. Dear Guys, I’m in a bit of a similar situation now, except that it’s with my boyfriend of over a year. He just started a new job about a month ago that has him in training to be a manager, and after he gets promoted he gets to choose his hours (and he’s planning on taking on a lot of them). Because of this new job, it is unpredictable, and sometimes communication isn’t that great for a few days to a week as a result. I am one of those that would love to be contacted at least once a day by her SO, so naturally, I’m not taking this very well. I text him during the day, and sometimes I don’t get any answers at all. Sometimes it gets to the point where the only way I can actually get him to talk to me is if I call his phone when he’s not at work. I know sometimes he has breaks because he can open the random Snapchat messages I send him,and yet he won’t reply to a text or two that I sent him earlier on. I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only one trying to keep this relationship going by communication. It’s not exactly a LDR but we are 45 minutes apart. He has told me he still wants a relationship with me, that he is busy at his job, that he’s trying to take care of money issues, but I still feel pushed aside. Is there any way to work through this? Or is this the beginning of the end? Thank you in advance.

  20. Confused about recent breakup/withdrawal and wondering if I should reach out to him to talk about it and ask questions:

    Dating History:
    He put forth the effort effort through both actions & words to be a really good friend; made effort to show me what a really good guy he is; it was clear he was trying to impress me and that he like me over course of 2 months. He makes effort to travel on weekends to the mountains (4 hr drive) to go on bike rides. (I was training for an event with friends and he was not). He asks to join our house rental and offers to carpool with me (4 hour drive each way). We get along and having dated a bit and been in a few long-term relationships, I know he really likes me a lot. When ever we hug goodbye. there is a ‘look’ in his eyes that guys have when they like a girl. He also hugs me warmly. Text msgs follow. We end up hanging out for a meal after group workouts. He finally kisses me.

    We date for 4-5 weeks. I am away a lot but he makes effort to see me and we do see each other 3x 1 week, and at least 1x per week if I’m around. He texts/calls me almost every day. We are happy/flirting. He is good about sharing (without me asking) about who he is and I am impressed about the personal things he shares. He is stress about work and anything that bothers him, I am the first one he talks to.

    We have a wonderful weekend away where he comes to support me in a big race. We are in our ‘honeymoon’ stage. We spent 3 days together and getting along really well. We are supportive of each other and seem well suited. I’m really easy to be around and I know I impressed him with that showing I’m independent yet a good partner. It was perfect. We return and the day after, his father returns to live with him. (His father spends 10 months out of the country and returned home early suddenly.).

    He texts me that night right away to tell me and he is nervous and worried. He doesn’t get along with his dad but a very good son. He is worried his father came home due to a serious illness and not telling him. He lost his mother 5 years ago and is upset that his parents did not tell him how sick his mother was so he could not prepare. He is worried dad is doing the same thing and worried he lost his ‘freedom’ when he father returned home. (He stays in his parents house to take care of it since his dad is away 10 months of the year).

    During this time, work is hell for him. He wants to quit and unhappy with his career. He wants to ‘run away’ and get away from him dad, maybe go back to school. He needs a change badly. Then he falls running and gets 5 stitches and a concussion. Poor guy. I just listen to him, try to be supportive and I’m very understanding when he says he needs to be alone. One day he told me he drove 4 hours to no where, listening to his podcast in his car to decompress. I know this is how he copes with stress.

    He’s been in long term relationship and he has initiated a short conversation about that and what qualities I look for in a partner and he shared me his. He impressed me with having that dialogue with me.

    Basically, I am so impressed how he is comfortable connecting with me and sharing on an emotionally intimate level. We are also very attracted to each other. There is great chemistry. It’s amazing but I am cool. I take it slow and I let him take the lead (let him chase me).

    He missed my bday that weekend b/c of his concussion (not feeling well) and he was not in the mood to be around people (work & dad stress) and he was so woozy and slept all day. I totally was not surprised and even told him not to come. He insisted on coming but realized as he tried to take a shower he could not.

    He is withdrawn for 2-3 days. He doesn’t call/text me as he normally does but I let him be. I only texted him once to let him know I understand and that I’m here for him if he needs me. When he finally reaches out he apologizes for being withdrawn saying he’s had a lot on his mind. I am supportive.

    The weekend after, he takes me for belated birthday dinner. I make sure it is fun and we talk about a variety of things. He shares about his dad. He is looking at me as he normally does but I sense he is in a little bit of a funk but still smiling and seems happy to be with me.

    He asks what I want to do, if I want to get ice cream (sort of our thing) and we just talk and walk around town together. Seems normal. We get home and he says he wants to talk about us. He tells me he cannot be in a relationship now; he cannot be responsible for another person. That he knows how he was when his mother passed away (withdrawn/depressed) and he is not sure about his career and maybe he wants to move to Portland … he needs to get away. He is unsure about his dad and if his dad stays longer, he needs to move out but he may end up taking care of his father until his father passes and he also has been trying to help his brother financially who seems to get into trouble. He is trying to do right by his family and be a good brother and son.

    He tells me he was confused and went back and forth with his decision. He says several times, this has nothing to do with me; and that he did not pursue me with the intent of it not being a longer term relationship but that he is sorry that he cannot be in a relationship right now.

    I was stunned. I told him I understood. He said I could call him an asshole. I do not. I made it as easy for him as possible. I wasn’t prepared to say anything so I just told him it’s ok and we are still friends. I only asked him if he was telling me the truth.

    My guy friends say he told me what I wanted to hear and that he is not telling me everything. I want to reach out to him and write to him the following:

    “As you expected, your actions and words caught me off guard. I was not prepared to have a conversation like that with you, on an evening that we would be celebrating my birthday. I wanted to take some time to think about your words, your actions and allow myself time to think about you and I as well. You had been thinking about this for some time it seems. I have not. I was simply living in the moment.”

    One moment I believe everything he says and want him to know that we can work through this; and to find out if his mother’s death impacted a relationship he might have been in at that time? That maybe we both could handle it better and have a better result.

    Another moment I wonder if he simply does’t want me for the longer term.

    We were hot and heavy and enjoying the bliss of a new relationship, getting to know each other. It just seem so soon. I can see if it was 2-3 months and we were friends before she we really got to know each other without dating as friends. We definitely tried to learn about each other and spend time together as friends, knowing he was very interested in me. It seemed the perfect way to figure out if we should even date. A great scenario.

    What do you guys think and what should I do? One friend thinks I’d look desperate if I asked to speak to him.

    They think he knew long before but I cannot see how. It was too soon.

    Thanks!

  21. @P…..First of all, thank you for your donation. We do appreciate it. And FYI: Our site is possibly coming down somewhat soon, so it’s good you got this question in now. To your question: This is pretty complex, more so, than say the normal breakup confusion. Yes, his life is full of uncertainty and stress and this can impact a person’s behavior. So we’re sure there’s some element of truth to what he’s saying to you. (That he can’t be responsible for another person right now.) That said, we do agree with your friends who say he’s not telling you everything. Maybe some people push others away during difficult times in their life, but many people actually cling to the people they feel close to, to help support them through these difficult times. And the other thing is, guys usually know right away what kind of potential they see in a woman, which means, if this guy thought you were “the one” let’s say, or at least someone with that sort of potential, we doubt he’d be saying the same sorts of things to you that he did. He’d probably be saying something like, “I really like you a lot and want us to be together, but I need some time alone to figure out some of these other things in my life. Will you wait for me?” He wouldn’t tell you that he couldn’t be in a relationship with you, and make it so black and white. Our suggestion: Wait for a bit if you really dig this guy. There is a possibility that he might realize that he made a big mistake and come back to you, but he needs to come to that conclusion on his own. Once a woman starts looking desperate, which you certainly will if you start reaching out to him, there’s usually no way to reverse things. So unfortunately you’re going to have to sit tight. One word of caution: We wouldn’t wait too long here. (How long that is is your call of course.) Because, most of the time, what has transpired here, usually means it’s over. Sorry just trying to be honest. We wish you the best of luck and hopefully this situation is the exception.

  22. Thanks and follow-up question. Would your answer be different if I told you that he and I were friends for 2-3 months before and spent a lot of time together, including weekends away as a group and driving in the car together for 4 hrs one-way (4 times)? I would think he would have enough ‘data’ about me and knew how he felt around me to be in a relationship with me for more then 4-5 weeks? It just seems too risky to do that to a good friend shortly after you get intimate. And we had great chemistry both as friends and intimately. I am so surprised but yeh, why wouldn’t he stay? He mentioned he wants to move but it’s not like he’s moving tomorrow and he is not certain of it either. He told me he was going back and forth.

    So I shouldn’t ask to chat with him or send a letter to ask him “what is the one thing about ME that you made your decision on”?

  23. @P…..Actually this only confirms our suspicions. You’re right when you say that 2-3 months is plenty of time to gather data. But guys don’t need anywhere near that time. More like 2-3 minutes, or sometimes even 2-3 seconds. Seriously. What this new info tells us is that he was going back and forth before the two of you started dating, AND the whole time you were dating he was going back and forth, AND now he’s still going back and forth. You certainly don’t want that. You want a guy who knows for sure—or at least as sure as a person can be—about you and what he wants. You see, if he had been way into you he wouldn’t have stalled for that long. We think he would have made his intentions known right away. So sure, you can talk with him, but really, he’s not going to reveal how he really feels. He does care about you and will want to spare your feelings. Remember: When a guy says he’s just not sure, it usually means he’s completely sure, but doesn’t want to say it. But once again: It doesn’t hurt to try everything you can to understand. The only thing that might get hurt is your ego. Good luck and take care.

  24. Last followup question … he didn’t say he wasn’t sure (although admitted to going ‘back & forth’) but that he couldn’t be responsible for another person in relationship right now. He needed to figure out his career; take are of brother & father). He said his decision had nothing to do with me. Could this be true & would talking to him help to assure him we could be supportive of each other; he doesn’t need to be as responsible for me (for now) & maybe in past his ex GF had difficulty dealing w/him when his mother passed. I’m more secure giving him space. Sorry just trying to figure out if he’s being honest w/me so I can figure out how I should feel & proceed. I’m still not sure. He’s a good guy & so far has been very sincere & honest with me. No doubt he likes me a lot and feels comfortable talking to me in the 5 weeks w/became closer and we enjoyed our friendship for 2-3 months prior. We are attracted as more than friends for sure. It just felt so easy to enjoy each other. Could he have gotten scared w/new relationship & overwhelmed with life? Some friends say, ‘yes’ others say ‘he lost interest’. Still confused.

  25. @P….You’re going to have to make the call since you know him better than we do. Our gut says this isn’t going anywhere. Ask yourself: Would you push away someone you really cared about during a difficult time in your life? Sure guys are different than women, but not that different. We just see this whole situation keeping you in an emotional holding pattern. Good luck and take care.

  26. My man that I dated for 4 years and lived together for 3 years recently moved out. We had a big arguement about him staying out all night the night before. He said none of his friends were in shape to drive home. I got a text from him at 4am saying he was ok but not in shape to drive. He’s 45 I’m 39. I jumped on his case because I felt he should be more responsible. I said some pretty harsh things and even said maybe you should think about moving out because I felt he was inconsiderate of my feelings. While I was away he packed up and sent me a text saying he was sorry he failed at trying to make me happy i didnt have to worry about him anymore hope i find my night and shining armor and goodbye. I attempted to call and text him but he would not respond. Later after multiple text and voicemails from me he texted me back saying (responding to a statement i made) him moving out was nothing planned and if I thought that i was crazy. He didnt have anywhere to go and he was staying with his dad. He loves me but he couldnt do this anymore. That was Sunday. I attempted to talk to him a again Monday morning no response. Today is Thursday. I havent attempted to contact him since then. Is he just taking a cooling off period – getting his emotions and ego back balanced or is he really gone. We’ve had arguments before where we didnt talk for a day maybe but we always managed to work things out. We’ve been talking marriage and it was a big commitment for him to move out of his apartment to move in with me. What is he thinking? What should I do? Will he be back?

  27. @Lillyte1…..Thanks for your donation. We do appreciate it. Your man seems torn. He cares for you, but also still wants to hang with his buds and live like a single guy. The fact that he immediately packed up his things and left without even trying to talk to you tells us he may have been relieved to have some sort of excuse, or at least a reason, to move out and end things. He may come to his senses and realize he’s been rash, and then try to reconcile with you. What you need to do is chill. Try to get him to sit down and talk with you. If he doesn’t, then draft him a good old-fashioned letter and send it to him. Tell him how you feel about him and that you’d like to try and work things out. (If you in fact still do) We get the sense that you’ve been driving this relationship not him. And that he’s gone along with things, but now that marriage is being discussed he’s not so sure he can continue following your lead. He’s scared and uncertain, and isn’t sure he’s ready to give up the “other” life for a life with you. It’s normal. Many guys—many people—go through this, and it amplifies as the commitment becomes more real and solidified. Most people realize that they can’t have their cake and eat it too. But a percentage, bolt. Some temporarily and some permanently. Whatever is going to happen hasn’t happened yet. Yes, he’s moved out. And yes, he’s being obstinate. But the two of you need to have a sit down when you’ve cooled off a bit and talk this out. Be real and honest with one another. We understand you’re hurt and confused and we’re sorry about that, but you need to stop pushing him in the direction of marriage and just hear what he has to say. He needs to be able to be honest with you and we get the sense that he’s been hiding a whole other side to himself out of fear. We’re not saying you’re to blame. You’re not. But both of you play a part in this. So reach out to him one more time, tell him how you feel and what you want, and then pull back and wait. He has to come back to you and want to talk this through. Hopefully you’ll get some answers soon. Take care of yourself and keep us posted.

  28. Thanks for the feedback. I’m somewhat torn because I’ve been told not to reach out to him because it will add fuel to the fire until he’s cooled off since he hasnt wanted to talk to me. He has been married twice before and he doesnt go out with his friends often maybe once a month but when he does he’s not respectful of our relationship by coming home late. Could there be someone else he’s moved on to? Why do you get the sense that he’s been hiding a whole other side to himself out of fear? I also have a 11 year old daughter from a previous marriage that he bonded with and my mom that he calls mom. My mom tried to reach out to him and he wont even respond to her. How is it that he can walk out on my daughter or other family without saying goodbye. Worst of all his grandaughter 2 years old will be in town this weekend and he knows how much I miss and love her and was looking forward to spending time with her. I’m so torn on what to do. He’s living at his dads which he’s gone from a 20 minute drive to work to a 50 minute drive to work. The inconvience of living in someone elses house and driving long distance wont make him re-think the decision to come back home? Last question, why has he not called, replied to my last texts on Monday or attempted to contact me?

  29. please help

  30. @Lillyte1…….We’re not suggesting that he has another woman, although it’s certainly possible. What we’re saying is that his knee-jerk reaction of moving out tells us that he was possibly looking for an excuse to do just that. Maybe he wasn’t able to do it himself because he felt guilty. And so he behaved badly in order to create a situation that was too difficult for you to deal with. All these people you mention didn’t factor into his decision. But the fact that he didn’t take into consideration your daughter and his grandson tells you where his head is at. Our suggestion: Try writing him a letter. He might be better able to sit by himself and read a letter rather than deal with you on the phone or in person. And anyone can see that if someone puts the effort into writing a letter it means they care. Either way the ball is in his court. You’re going to just have to wait until he cools down. We’re sorry. We know this is hard. Hang in there.

  31. Hello. I wanted to give an update and get a mans perspective. He’s been moved out for 3 weeks now. In between we have gone to dinner, movies and a comedy show. Additionally, we went to our first counseling session since he’s been moved out. He’s confused on whether he should come back or not because he feels that I’ll be fine for a few weeks then go back to my old ways of nagging. We have our second counseling session in 2 weeks. After us being together for 4 years why is he now taking this perspective of waying his options on continuing to live together or us ending the relationship. He says we’re still in a relationship he just needs time. What is he thinking? How much time do I give? What do I do?

  32. Any advice?

  33. @Lillyte1……..He’s feeling an array of feelings. Relief. Guilt. Sadness. Hopefulness. Relief because he’s finally extracted himself from the relationship. Guilt because he knows how you feel. Sadness because he misses you and misses the relationship. Hopefulness that maybe things will work out. However, be careful. You’re in the limbo stage. The one that could go on indefinitely, the one where you’re not really in a relationship but you’re doing all the things that people in a relationship do. However, it is great that you’re going to counseling together. That’s a good sign. It shows that he cares and is willing to put some effort into making it work. See how that goes. Right now it’s too early to tell what exactly is going on. But if he continues to go to counseling with you, then we’d say stay hopeful and take it a day at a time. (We can’t give you a time frame really. Just don’t let it go on forever.) If he starts balking at going then you’ll need to reevaluate. One word of caution: We advise you to cool it on the physical part of your relationship. If you’re not really in a relationship that might just confuse things. Good luck. And thanks again for your donations. We do appreciate it.

  34. Hey Guys, I’m having an issue that I could really use some good advice on…

    I met this guy back in the beginning of September. He was fantastic and everything I could ask for. Foolishly we rushed into a relationship after only knowing each other for just a couple of weeks.

    The relationship was good, up until his birthday in November. I was planning a surprise birthday party, and had to look through his phone to try and find out who to invite, and ended up seeing some things I wasn’t happy with. Everything was prior to us dating, but it still hurt my feelings that he would have that information saved.

    Every time we tried to talk about it, he would get extremely defensive, and usually we would have to have an explosive fight before we could actually talk about the issues. Since his birthday up until now, we have had just 3 fights.

    Well this past Friday I guess was the last straw. He has been pulling away from me, and I just wanted to ask him if everything is ok. When I initially brought up my feelings, he started getting worked up, and I said to just drop it. I wasn’t interested in fighting, and getting along with him meant more to me than having that discussion at that moment in time. Naturally he didn’t stop and kept getting worked up, and after several attempts of getting him to calm down, I finally had to tell him that I was going to hang up on him because I wasn’t interested in fighting.

    After I hung up, he sent me a text saying he can’t do this anymore, and I told him that was OK and to remove us off of Facebook. He then proclaimed that he didn’t want to do anything out of anger, and that he was frustrated. I told him I felt our relationship was deteriorating and I really wanted to know if it was fixable or not. After that message I didn’t hear from him anymore that night.

    The next morning he did not text me like he usually does. So I sent him a text asking if we were broken up. After two hours of not responding (which I know his schedule. He wasn’t working at that point.) I went onto Facebook and removed our relationship status. I sent him a facebook message stating I’d like to talk about this before anything happened. His response to that was to ask why I removed everything off of Facebook already, and I tried explaining that our last conversation stated we were breaking up, and I asked him if we were broken up with no response. My natural way of thinking was that he was breaking up with me, and that’s how he was doing it. That was the last time I’ve heard from him.

    I tried showing up at his house on Saturday to talk and possibly get my things, and to give him the presents he bought for his family that I still have, but he wasn’t home, and wasn’t answering my calls/texts. No one in his family could locate him either. One of his aunts was there, and I asked her for some advice since she knew him better. She said that more than likely if he isn’t contacting me, he is done.

    So I left I sent him a message stating if I didn’t hear from him by Sunday I would have no choice but to assume we are broken up. I did not want the break up, but without him talking to me, I had no idea what was going on, and could not stay waiting without some form of communication.

    Sunday I had made attempts to get him to talk with me by asking him about his day, and how the plans I knew he had went, but all of my messages went unanswered. Monday morning comes around with no contact still, so I sent a message saying that I understand the situation, and I’d like to get my things from his home.

    Still no response to that. So yesterday I sent another message stating I wanted to get this over with and stop dragging it out, and to get my things. I explained that I still don’t want this, but since it is something he wants I have no choice but to accept that, but I’d really like to get my things from his home. Still no response, so I texted his mom and asked if she could get my things, and I pick them up from her. No response.

    The awful thing, is that I can see that they have read the messages, they are just choosing to not respond. I apologized to his mom for putting her in that position, but since we aren’t communicating, I don’t know how to get my belongings. And they still aren’t responding.

    My question is… is there a reason he won’t just let me get my things? I could understand not wanting to see me, but wouldn’t that want to prompt him to get me my things to encourage me to be gone? I had stated that once I get my things, I’ll be gone, hoping it would encourage a dialogue, but nothing.

    And is the relationship even salvageable at this point? I deeply care and have grown rather attached in an extremely short amount of time, of which I believe he has too. He said he loved me, and would continue to say he loved me even though I did not reciprocate.

    If it is salvageable, how do I go about getting communication flowing? He has not read my last message to him, so at this point I think he is completely ignoring me. Which is frustrating in regards to getting my property. I’d really like to have a discussion and see if it is even possible to consider if we can work it out, but how do I get that started? If we do talk, how do I communicate that I don’t appreciate being ignored and ensuring it doesn’t happen again? Heck, how would I communicate at all since he isn’t answering texts/facebook/ or my phone calls.

    I’m completely prepared with the idea that I will never talk to him again. It sucks, and my friends seem to think he will contact me again eventually. I don’t believe so, and I am trying to come to terms with that fact just in case. But if there is a possibility, I’d like to not rule it out. Since Sunday I have stopped attempting to contact him so much. Between Monday-Today I sent two messages, both of which were asking for my things. Should I stop all contact altogether and try later?

    I feel at this point if I want to get my things, I’m going to have to show up unexpectedly at his house and catch him off guard. Which I fear will make me look crazy, will push him away further, and since he lives two hours away, if he isn’t home I will end up using another full tank of gas. The things could be replaced, but I don’t want to have to rebuy my items, and I also do not like the idea that if he starts dating or is dating someone else already, that he would let another girl use my things. Do I just show up to get my things? Or do I chalk it up as a loss?

    Thank you for the advice!

  35. Any advice? I still haven’t heard from him. I’ve stopped calling and texting. He hasn’t deleted my friend request on Facebook, so I don’t know if he’s just letting it sit there? I found out yesterday that on Sunday my best friend messaged him asking him what’s up, so she knew how to help me heal. He hasn’t even read her message. Which I know he got because I had Facebook messaged him on Monday, which he read with no response. Please guys I really need some direction here!

  36. Well, still nothing from him. I’ve not been contacting him to give him space, but it honestly seems to be futile. I think if he would’ve wanted to contact me by now he would’ve. Any advice though please?

  37. Hi Guys 🙂

    So I have a question about a guy I’m seeing (not offical yet). So we met on a postgraduate workshop, we got on really well and he started messaging me a lot when we got home. I quite liked him so was messaging him back. He was so lovely, attenttive and sweet and cute with his messages. We live about a 3hr drive apart, so after a month of chatting we decided to meet up, halfway in between. We went to the zoo and had a really lovely day and he continued to message me the same cute, sweet style. After another few weeks he asked me down to his home, there’s really awesome surfing spots there compared to where I’m from so I said yes and we spend the weekend surfing….and I slept with him. I returned home and he was still the same with me, sweet, attentive….I was a little worried because I don’t normally sleep with a guy until we’re exclusive but everything seemed ok, he seemed just as interested and keen and seemed to be pushing to be exclusive with me. So just before Christmas he invited me down again, he was planning on making a Christmas dinner for his friends and invited me along. I went and everything was grand. After that though things seemed to change, the messages weren’t as cute…I duno I thought maybe I was worrying over nothing so I tried to put it out of my mind and stop worrying. So he invited me down this weekend (as in I leave today!!), he asked me on wednesday and I replied later that night and he didn’t get back to me until the early hours of Friday morning, I had asked him ‘I take it you do want me to come down this weekend?’ and he replied ‘yes of course I would love to see you’….so I’m planning on going down, I think it will be easier to judge if he is being off with me in person. I was also planning on just asking him flat out where he thinks this is going? Unless you Guys think this is a bad idea? Should I do as soon as I get down or leave it for a while, maybe Saturday night?

    I know this is all quite vague but I guess I’m asking if I should be worried? I have a feeling that something is off, I guess it’s coming from the nature of his messages and how they’ve changed from we first met, but it’s just a gut feeling that I can’t shake!

    So what do you think?

    Many Thanks 🙂
    Nic

    P.S. hope you got the donation ok, sorry it’s not much!

  38. @Nic….Yes, we got your donation. Thanks. We do appreciate it. First of all, we’re big believers in trusting your gut. It’s clear to you that something has changed. So we’re sure something has changed. It’s up to you to figure out what that is. It may be that his feelings have tempered a bit, but it could also just be that he feels more comfortable with you so he’s not working as hard to be cute and sweet. It’s really hard to say, especially via text or email. You need more information and you’ll get that by spending time with him in person. When you do see him we suggest a straightforward conversation. If you’re already sleeping with the guy it’s not too soon to find out what’s going on. Is he seeing other people? Does he want to be exclusive with you? Does he see potential for something long-term here? How does he really feel about you? We know you might not want to scare him off but we can tell you that he already knows what type of potential he sees with you. That doesn’t mean he’ll want to jump into something serious, but he’ll know whether he wants to get his feet wet and give things a go. Also, it’s important for you to know if he’s being exclusive with you sexually. Just for your own well-being. That said, before we totally freak you out, just go down and try to have fun. And when you feel the time is right, bring up your questions and concerns. (Preferably do this away from the bedroom. Maybe during the day sometime.) A few things to note about guys and long distance relationships. Apart from how he feels about you, he’s also probably really horny. Which means he’ll do or say anything to be able to have sex with you. Sometimes it’s best to have these conversations AFTER the guy is no longer feeling this way if you catch our drift. And of course this advice flies in the face of us saying make sure he’s being exclusive with you physically. But we hope you understand what we’re saying. He needs to have a clear head when you have this conversation. He’ll be more honest with you. Good luck and keep us posted. Feel free to ask a follow-up question. Take care.

  39. Hi guys, thanks for the super quick response 🙂 So I went down at the weekend and it was good to spend time with him. I asked him what he felt about this and what he wanted, he said that he didn’t know what he wanted but when I said that things couldn’t stay as they were, he agreed and I asked if he saw this going any further and he replied yes :/ so I don’t know what to think…..what do you guys think? I can’t help wondering if he doesn’t know is that a bad sign….? So I’ve give it some thought and I think that maybe I’ll give it a few more weeks and see how he feels after that and if things are the same, I’ll break it off. I get the feeling that I’m not the only girl that has his attention, but I don’t it’s kinda left me still confused :/ Advice?

  40. @Nic……..When a guy says—or a woman for that matter—”I don’t know what I want”—that’s code for, “I’m happy with the way things are. I’m getting what I want without having to expend a whole lot of energy or commit to anything.” It’s our opinion that he’s probably got more coals in the fire as you suspect, and he’s not willing or ready to put out those flames out and get exclusive with you. He was just trying to appease you when he said “yes” to your question. Honestly, we don’t see this getting real serious unless all of a sudden he wakes up and sees that he’s about to lose a good thing. But we do believe in seeing things through, and we don’t think a few more weeks will hurt. That said, be careful. If he truly is a player then he’ll give you just enough to make you think there’s a chance. We’d hate to see you get strung along here. Good luck and keep us posted.

  41. Hi guys 🙂 thanks again for the quick response 🙂 yea I can see that now I guess! I defs won’t get strung along, I won’t see him again probably for a few weeks but if he hasn’t got a definitive answer for me then I will walk away….at least this is my plan anyways, my friends tell me I’m quite a harsh person, do you think this is a harsh or overly aggressive response? Also how do I conduct myself around him now, for example a few friends have suggested withholding sex?….but I’m not so sure :/ also how do I broach the subject again without being pushy or needy or issuing him with an ultimatum?

  42. @Nic….Thanks for your donations. You don’t need to keep donating every time you ask a follow up. But we do appreciate it. How long have you been dating? And how long have you been having sex? We don’t think it’s harsh to want some answers. These kind of situations happen all of the time. The chemistry is great, sex happens, then the woman wants to define the relationship, or get exclusive and then the guy acts wishy-washy. All of a sudden the woman isn’t sure what she should do. What we’re saying is NO, you’re not acting harsh. In fact it’s time for him to step up to the plate and tell you one way or another what he wants……..Look, you’re already intimate with him. So it’s not too soon to have a conversation with him. And if he thinks it is, then he never planned on being serious with you in the first place. Withholding sex, not withholding sex, it’s your call. Just remember that the best relationship/situation is one where you don’t have to play games and devise strategies. Hopefully, he’ll come around, but this guy makes us feel a bit uneasy. It would be nice if he took some initiative now that he knows that you want something more. We’d say give this a little bit more time, but not too long. Your plan sounds good. Keep us posted.

  43. @Daniela…..Thanks for sharing your story. We appreciate your honesty, and we know our readers will too. And we agree with you. Honesty is always the best way. Sometimes it’s hard for people because they’re afraid of hurting the other person. Of course as you know, not being honest only makes the pain worse. Take care of yourself. THE GUYS

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