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I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost four months. We love another as deeply as two people can in that amount of time. He’s met my daughters and family. I’ve met his daughters and family and even went to Mother’s Day dinner with his family. He’s been married two times and his daughters are with his first ex- wife. He has no kids with his second ex-wife and they’ve been divorced for over four years. The apartment he lives in is her name; out of convenience he never moved and she has not lived there during that time.
About a month ago she found out he was seriously dating someone and wanted to talk to him. Over a weeks time he met up with her two times, even paying hundreds of dollars to help her out. He kept this from me, got distant and would ignore my texts and calls. I found out and was hurt, almost ended it, but we talked through it. He said he doesn’t have feelings for her and would never want to get back with her, but he feels bad for her and that she has no one else. I told him to just be honest and open with me. He also decided to move out of that apartment and get one in his name. He was open and honest for about three weeks.
Last night he wasn’t answering my calls or texts, similar to last time. I went over and saw her in his apartment. She left at 11pm. I went to his door; he wouldn’t answer. I texted him “Be a man and face me.” He finally answered the door. He said it’s not what it looked like and that she was there just talking. I asked where they were talking, he said in his room on his bed and that she had come over unannounced. He said he was just comforting her, that she’s depressed and has no one. I asked him why he didn’t just talk with her on the couch and why did he ignore my texts and phone calls. He said he wasn’t planning on telling me, because it’s nothing.
Even IF I believe that they were only talking, I feel that he betrayed me just by taking her to his room on his bed and was then going to lie to me about it. I broke things off with him and am completely heartbroken. He was someone that I meshed with on so many levels; things just fit and we truly loved each other. I talked to one of his friends that told me even years ago he said he didn’t love her but felt like he couldn’t leave her because he felt bad for her and that he needed to take care of her.
So why, if he says he loved me and wanted his future to be with me, did he allow this dysfunction with her to continue? To point of jeopardizing my relationship with him?
We are sorry. So where do things stand now? Has he tried to reconcile with you? What’s going on?
You know, we understand why you feel uncomfortable. It sounds like the way he’s handling it is more the problem than his communication with his ex-wife. And we agree, ideally he’d just be open and honest with you.
That said, we also see his side. There’s a reason he doesn’t feel he can be open with you. We can’t say what that is, but we don’t think it’s because anything is going on between him and his ex. We get the sense that he wasn’t not sure how you’d react. Has anything happened in the past that might cause him to feel this way? Have the two of you had other issues that haven’t gotten resolved? (With this sort of thing?) Is he secretive like this in other ways?
Honestly, the issue at hand does not seem like a deal breaker. You know yourself that people come with a past, and that past just doesn’t disappear when a new relationship begins. We think he’s telling the truth when it comes to his ex. She sounds like she doesn’t have anyone else and he feels, not only bad about that, but guilty and maybe even responsible for her current state.
The bigger issue we see here is trust. It sounds like you don’t really trust him. Is that true? In order for the relationship to move forward the two of you need to work on reestablishing trust. Of course he has also has to be open to working on your relationship.
What do you think? Feel free to share your thoughts or ask any foll0w-up questions in the comments below this post.
All the best,
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