I started dating a guy friend four months after he broke up with his girlfriend of four years. (He had intentions of marrying her.) He and I are dating and I know that we’ll never end up together. But is it wrong for me to want to be a real girlfriend in the mean time? We talk everyday, practically all day. Texting. We hardly talk about anything of substance; I feel he saves those conversations for his older friends. It’s not like I don’t expect him to talk to them about things; but he could talk to me too.
We hooked up rather quickly and whenever he mentions “I miss you” it’s always in conjunction with “let’s have sex.” So, when we do meet up, just the two of us, he always wants to know what naughtiness we’re going to do. It’s been five months and we’ve been on a total of four (max) dates where we just spend time together. It’s been four months since we’ve gone on a date, just the two of us. But he makes regular time for his friends.
He says even though we don’t see each other often, we talk every day. But our schedules are not ridiculous where we can’t see each other. And I don’t think it’s fair to only see each other to hook up. He says he cares so much for me and he loves me, but what if he’s just saying what I want to hear. If I bring up the fact that we don’t spend enough time together and I feel like it’s all about sex and I’d like to chill out on the sex part and have a more meaningful relationship, he’ll want to break up.
So, I don’t tell him and it instead reflects in my attitude. And sometimes I think, I should just tell him and if he wants to break up, then that’s that. We’re gonna split eventually. (Due to religious differences) So why should it matter? Did I mention, he’s the first guy I’ve ever dated, i.e. my first boyfriend. We’ve “broken up” before, but he still wanted the sex part of the relationship to continue and I guess he realized he couldn’t have it without being more emotionally involved. So, what if it’s just a song and dance?
I used to compare myself to his ex, because before we started dating and even knew it was a possibility. He had told me about her and how he felt, the things he would do with her.
I don’t know what to do.
Thanks for your question. There’s a lot going on here. We’ll try to address each issue one at a time.
First of all you’re not doing yourself any favors by keeping all of your feelings to yourself for fear that he’ll break up with you. Not only are you selling yourself short, but you’ve given him all the power in this relationship. You might be okay with it for now, but believe us, over time all you’ll feel is resentment towards him. Don’t settle and accept emotional crumbs. If you want more, then talk to him. Our rule: If you’re having sex, then it’s not too soon to define the relationship, or at least have a conversation about it.
However, from what you’re describing he seems pretty clear that he just wants sex. Maybe he’s agreed to some sort of “relationship” but honestly he would be exhibiting very different behaviors if he saw you as long-term potential. (He’d be taking you out on dates, introducing you to his friends, wanting you to meet his family, spending money on you, and making you feel quite special.) Basically he only makes you feel special when he wants sex.
Now we understand that the cultural piece is factoring into this situation, but we don’t think it’s the primary issue. So instead of exploring that issue here we decided to provide you with some links to questions we’ve previously answered on the topic. Check them out below.)
Bottom line: Don’t settle Ria. You deserve to be with a guy who’s as excited to be with you as you are to be with him.
Our suggestion: Talk to him as soon as possible. If he breaks up with you, he’ll be saving you a lot of heartache in the long run.
Let us know if you have any follow-up questions. And keep us posted.
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Other questions about dating across cultures: