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Some recent questions:
I was with my boyfriend for nearly 7 years. He cheated on me in the past with a girl who is nothing but wrong for him; she has a bad reputation as a known alcohol and drug user. He had a year long affair with her and she influenced him into drinking heavily. When I found out he cheated I left and disappeared from his life for about six months without any arguments and questions. I just accepted that it wasn’t me he wanted so I left him to be happy with her.
After about six months his family members came to me in desperate need, saying he was finding it hard to cope with life without me and therefore turning to alcohol as a barrier to block out the pain. I also witnessed this myself as I couldn’t just take their word for it. At that point in time I really thought he had realized what he lost and really did regret cheating. After convincing me that he was no longer in touch with the other woman I gave him another chance.
He was open and honest with me for a little while when the other woman would try to get in contact with him. He changed his phone number many times but she still got a hold of him. She would post him a letter or sit outside his house. As he was honest about her I believed he wouldnt risk losing me again. But just a few days ago I found out that he was still in contact with her and talks to her all night on the phone. I’m now back at the same stage I was when he first cheated. I don’t understand where I went wrong? Over the 7 years I did so much for him. His family absolutely adores me. When I confronted him about cheating again, he completely lost the plot and told me I was being crazy and paranoid and that I should go and kill myself. He also said that he doesn’t want me in his life and he wished I would just get lost. So once again I decided to leave.
But my question to you today is, if it was her he wanted why did he send his family to come find me? Will he ever realize and cry for me the way I cried for him?
Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you are going through such a rough time.
Your guy has no idea what he wants or who he wants to be with because he’s using drugs and alcohol as a way to cope with life. This doesn’t make him a bad person, but he is ill and needs to get help in order to reclaim himself and get his life back in order.
He is not making a choice between you or this other woman, he’s making a choice between two different lifestyles. This other woman is part of the lifestyle where he uses drugs, and you’re part of his clean living lifestyle. At this point in time he’s not capable of choosing you. It might feel like he’s choosing her, but in reality it’s the chemicals running through his bloodstream that are doing most of the talking.
Why would his family come to you? Because they want to see him healthy and happy, and probably when he’s able to think straight he tells them how much he cares for you. They know you are a good person and are a positive force in his life. However, you aren’t the savior here. Certainly you can support this man if you choose to do so. (Emotionally we mean.) But at this point he’s just going to drag you down with the ship if you choose to be in a relationship with him.
We think you did the right thing by leaving. You have to protect yourself. If he’s cheating on you with this other woman this could be a physical risk for you, but the emotional toll of being with him is even more detrimental to your well being. Will he ever realize what he lost and cry for you? Possibly, but only when he’s sober and seeing the world through a new lens—the kind that isn’t tainted with chemicals. This could take some time, and also may never happen.
Jo, you need to try and move on. You need to surround yourself with people who are healthy and positive, and who support you. Focus on the things you love. Your ex is going to have to figure this out on his own, and/or with the support of his family.
ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks.