My husband of seven years moved out

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Dear Guys,

My husband of seven years moved out in April. I had gotten up to tend to our new daughter (we also have 6 yo twins) and noticed his cell was lit up. There were non-work related flirty texts from not one, but two married co-workers on the phone. When I asked him to explain he blew up and left saying he wanted space. He promises nothing is going on with either but has not apologized and removed my access to the phone bill.

I was shocked. He is a quiet, calm man and we have always been close. Or at least I thought. We have had our ups and downs but it’s all standard marriage gripes not anything dramatic. Now, he refuses to move back home, work on the marriage or even make a decision and it has now been five months. He comes and goes with visiting the kids but does nothing to help care for them or our home.

On Saturdays it’s as though he is gone for the weekend (stays the night, is affectionate, pays attention to the kids etc.) unless I bring up the separation. Then he says he doesn’t want to be married but has yet to file.

I love him and am trying with every ounce of strength in me to be patient, and to give him time and to keep hope alive that our marriage can survive. Am I being an idiot? Or can a 32  year old man have a mid-life type crisis? Very confused…

Kate

Dear Kate,

We’re sorry. We know this separation is difficult. And the future, uncertain and scary. Maybe we can shed some light on his feelings and intentions.

This could be a mid-life crisis. So what does that actually mean? Usually a mid-life crisis is when someone looks at their life and says, “Is this how it’s going to be for the rest of my life? Is it going to be the same old boring stuff, day in and day out?” When someone starts thinking along those lines a crisis sets in. They call it a mid-life crisis because it typically happens around mid-life, usually somewhere between 40-50. But it can happen earlier.

But just because he moved out, and you think he’s changed, doesn’t mean he’s having a mid-life crisis. It could be just that he’s questioning the relationship, and wondering if he still feels committed and in love. That’s not necessarily a mid-life crisis but it’s definitely a crisis for him, and for you. And of course, your kids.

It’s fine to be patient and give him time, but the two of you need to start working on these issues as soon as you can. The longer it goes, the more disconnected he’s going to become. Talking together with a couples counselor would be a good place to start. But you can only ask him to do that. Actually, you can urge him to do that. Hopefully he’ll oblige. But in the end you can’t force him to do anything. If he won’t work with you to resolve whatever issues need to be resolved, then you’ll have no choice but to pick up the pieces and move on.

Kate, remember, as sad as this might be—it’s too soon to tell yet—you still need to be strong for your kids. We encourage you to surround yourself with people who love you—close friends and family—to help you get through this difficult time. We hope that your husband will come to his senses and realize that he’s made a mistake, but if he doesn’t, we’re confident you’ll have the strength to put together a new life for you and your kids.

Take care of yourself, and feel free to ask us as many follow up questions as you’d like. Leave a question, or a reply, in the comments section below.

All the best,

THE GUYS

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44 Comments on My husband of seven years moved out

  1. One last question.
    Can a MLC occur even if the relationship was short (5 years married, second wife) & he has only been in his current job for just over a year. I read so many stories about this subject & most have been married 20, 30 years.
    Or is it just about the ‘have’ versus the ‘doesn’t have’? To put it simply, is it a reflection about where he believes his life is now compared to where he thought it would be?
    Thanks.

  2. @Ann…..We’re so sorry. He’s likely going through some sort of mid-life crisis. He can only think about what he doesn’t have, or hasn’t achieved, rather than what he does have. Do you have children together? Per your question. There is always a chance for reconciliation. Right now you don’t have much choice but to give him some space. That said, this is also not the time to be completely silent. See if he’ll meet with you to talk about your marriage. (Maybe even with a professional. Marriage counselor, etc.) Tell him how you feel and that you want to work on the marriage. If he’s willing to try, it’s possible the two of you can revive some of the spark. That said, he has to be willing. And that’s where the space comes in. He may not be willing at the moment, but it’s hard to say how he’ll feel a month from now, or months from now. ps. If you want to have a more in-depth conversation and process this further, you might consider our Relationship Coaching option. Just a thought.

  3. @Melly…..You are exactly right. The length of the marriage has less to do it with it than how the person feels inside. He’s focusing on what he doesn’t have, rather than what he has. This could be relationship related or career related or both. When people go through a MLC, they also believe what they do have is standing in the way of them getting what they truly want. Does that make sense?

  4. We have no children. We were excited to start a family this year. We went to a therapist right after he told me and he wasn’t receptive at all. Just says he’s made up his mind. He isn’t in love. He says he’s tried. But when asked How he’s tried he can’t answer. We both admit to still feeling attracted to each other. No problems with intimacy at all. He just keeps saying we are good friends who love each other. So right now I’m just giving him space but I will see if he is willing to talk. Should I ask to meet for lunch? Or have him come to the house?

  5. @Ann…..Okay, we understand. You know it’s interesting that you’ve been talking about starting a family. Often, a mid-life crisis happens around a big event. It’s possible that he felt it was now or never. He either needed to be all in emotionally, or remove himself before you started a family. These are just ideas. We don’t know him, just speaking from experience. Lunch seems good. It puts you in a neutral and fresh setting. Keep us posted and take care.

  6. @Ann…..Is it also possible he doesn’t really want kids? (We were thinking that could be part of what’s going on) And….How old are you?

  7. I’m 36. He’s 43. And I’m certain he does want kids. We just both work hard and had figured now is the time. He has changed jobs in the past 2 months and honestly has had about 6 jobs since we have been together. He says he isn’t getting younger. I’m feeling like he just wants to focus on work as he says this will be the job he retires from. But maybe he’s all over the place and needs to find himself. I just don’t think pushing me away is the best answer. Unfortunately he does. I appreciate all your answers.

  8. @Ann…..Well, hopefully he’ll agree to have lunch with you, and more importantly, want to at least talk about your relationship. Take care.

  9. So many stories all so similar…..
    My husband and I had been together nearly 17 years, and married nearly 13 when he walked out the day after Christmas.
    He had been becoming a ‘grumpy old man’ in my opinion for sometime, even though we are only late-30’s. And while he was still kind and reliable, he had become withdrawn with both me and the kids (x2 school-aged), and didn’t really seem to enjoy anything but ‘his’ things. He’s always been a bit selfish with his time and energy (only-child), but suddenly he was annoyed at having to do anything for anyone else’s sake.
    I might add, I earn as much as him despite working part-time in order to be the primary parent, and I’ve never ‘let myself go’.
    So he had little contact to start, often wouldn’t answer phone-calls or msgs even though they were only regarding the children.
    Then I found out he had purchased a house before Christmas through his business – shock and anger of course.
    So he’s been living in it for 8 months now, has regular parenting time with the children, saw a clinical psychologist with me for a while, and is now seeing one for himself instead, which he says is helping.
    However, while he’s more amenable than he was, and spends a lot of his parenting time in the family house with the children AND me, and he’s continued to share in the family-household bills with me (he doesn’t want to sell) not much has changed.
    He refuses to talk about timelines or plans or commit to reconciling, as he says he just can’t guarantee anything – hence the end of the couples-counselling, as we’d just reached a stalemate and my patience had run out.
    Says he still loves me, but is struggling with ‘the way we were’. I’ll admit there were some problems – certainly nothing insurmountable or even significant I would have said – he had ‘withdrawn’ and become selfish, and I had let my temper get the better of me more and more – especially feeling unloved and un-appreciated (I’m the organiser, and the do-er).
    But after 7 months of nothing more than hugs, I began to be in contact with other people – I am not prepared to live a life without affection etc, any longer.
    He seems to also be trying more, but with nothing concrete, I can’t wait faithfully any longer. He knows this, but simply says he hopes he will be able to change before anything becomes serious for me.
    I’m not even sure that I could ever trust him and feel happy again anyway – I know there was no affair (at least I’m pretty certain), but I feel so betrayed and humiliated, and given that I’ve never been any kind of burden, and after this long, it’s just so unfair.
    I guess my question is – does anyone understand why this happened? He seems to lack a lot of empathy and self-awareness too – he told our CP that he feels we are in the same position i.e. still trying and waiting all this time’ – but HE is the one who walked out?!?! He even talks about how hard is it to be away from the children so much – like he expects sympathy from me – but he made the choice!
    And of course I tend to get somewhat resentful when he makes comments like that because of it….

  10. @Stuck……We’ll start by saying that we’re sorry. This sounds very hard, confusing and yes, sad. You ask why this happened? Why did your husband walk out? It’s a complex question with many possible answers. Our first impression is that he doesn’t really know why he walked out, or how he feels, or what he wants to do. Until he truly knows where he stands, what he wants, you’re going to feel in limbo. That said, he’s experiencing what a lot of guys experience. Loss of self. Loss of identity. And ultimately loss of any sort of joy. In his mind, all he was doing is giving, giving, giving, and he was losing himself, so much so, that he had to take drastic measures. This feeling is not that uncommon with parents, but especially with guys. That said, not all guys fall into a depression and leave. Many figure out a way to reclaim some of what they lost. They pick up a hobby. Buy a new toy. Carve out a regular night with the guys. Whatever. We hesitate to say mid-life crisis, but certainly the thought came to mind. Think about it another way. When did you guys meet? How old were you? Probably young, right? Say 20 perhaps, maybe earlier? That only adds fuel to the way he feels now. In his mind, his whole adult life he’s spent with you, and now with you and your kids. He never did what he “thinks” every other guy got to do. (Have a wild time in his 20s.) It’s a false perception but that’s his perception. So his age is also contributing to this whole situation. What’s going on, is he’s defining his life in terms of what he doesn’t have, or never had, and not what he does have. (Which many people would be quite envious of. Beautiful family. Loving wife. Etc.) Does this help? Make sense? Any more questions? What’s your plan? ps. Keep in mind that this is a public forum. We also answer questions privately via email. (Just wanted to make sure you knew that.)

  11. Thank-you. It does help to hear that my interpretation of the situation is not at odds with how other people would see it.
    He still wants to squarely blame ‘our relationship’ and the way we were toward each other, for the way he felt leading up to his walk-out, but I honestly believe it has a lot more to do with the things you describe about how he felt personally.
    There were no unrealistic expectations in our relationship, we still got on well (had one ‘date’ recently, and still do!), and we had a pretty good life compared to so many.
    I believe he really did want the life we had, but obviously he felt something was missing, and he had become somewhat of a workaholic in his drive to get ahead and feel good about his achievements.
    This was part of our issues, given that it made it difficult for us to have family holidays or even short breaks – but that’s just details really.
    I was aiming for formal separation after 6 months (mandatory precursor to divorce here), as I felt I couldn’t handle the pain of being in a weird limbo i.e. being told I was still married and his wife, but feeling so alone and abandoned and resenting his detached presence – not to mention shouldering the bulk of the household workload.
    However after initial discussions about it, I haven’t pursued it. It’s not what he wants (or if I’m honest what I want) and it would only make life much harder for the children and myself as well given we are physically in a great position to manage daily life getting to school work etc – so why bother if he’s willing to continue supporting the existing household.
    I guess I have felt better and more in control since I gave myself permission to accept invitations from other men – why not after all. I can’t consider myself married in anything other than the legal sense any more.
    My fear now, is that he has put himself in a position where he realises deep-down that it wasn’t all about ‘our relationship’ (though I won’t deny it needed some work), but to make any great strides towards fixing things, would feel to him like admitting that he was wrong or at fault at least in more ways than he wants to i.e. ‘giving in’ – and this will prevent him from ever taking the leap of faith, and certainly from making real amends (and unfortunately I do expect this, as while I accept that he was having issues, this was never an acceptable/fair way to deal with that).
    I think he’s hoping for a lightning bolt that will somehow change how he feels about the scenario he’s faced with (having to give up control and be willing to compromise and accepting that he has faults he needs to work on too), but of course, it isn’t coming………. He’s pretty stubborn too, so I suspect that he may not ever be able to accept this, and I imagine any relationship we had left is just going fizzle-out for no good/serious reason.

  12. @Stuck…..So how does he feel about you dating other men? Is he dating other women? It seems that once you both begin seeing other people it might make it more difficult to reconcile. (Or maybe it’s beyond that??) So what would be your ideal solution? Would you like things to go back to the way they were? Or, would that even make you happy?

  13. He is not happy about it, but accepts that this is where I am at. He only wants to know if something becomes serious – I suspect it’s somewhat ‘head in the sand’ kind of thing, as he doesn’t want to feel influenced by what I do.
    He is not dating. I am not sure that I consider myself ‘dating’ as such, given that it is very casual and infrequent at this point. I’ve only reached this point because despite the fact that he says he’s ‘still here and still trying’, there is nothing between us in the way of a marital relationship – it’s not like it’s simply part-time. He’s around and parenting, but otherwise I am completely on my own romantically.
    I absolutely want things back the way they were (for the most part, as there were definitely things that we needed to resolve), but it simply isn’t up to me.
    As for being ‘beyond reconciliation’ – if you saw us together and heard what he is willing to say about how he still feels, you would assume there are no real barriers, and that things must be going to improve. But he cannot seem to put anything into action. He sees me as having been ‘controlling’, so cannot seem to stop ‘resisting’ progress. It was identified in our sessions together, that I wasn’t ‘controlling’ in the way he had chosen to see it – I am the organiser and do-er, and primary parent, and obviously for a long time that had suited him and he benefited from it. It appears he then wasn’t able to communicate when how he felt about that changed, and instead just began to resent me for carrying on. It’s still bizarre and unfair to me – I always asked and cared about his opinion!

    The reality of now is, things haven’t changed much, he’s often behaved badly toward me – particularly early on – and now the window is closing, as I refuse to spend any more time without a loving relationship in my life.
    I should note that I’m a fairly independent and even somewhat fiery person; and yet because of what he meant to me, I put all that aside – trying not to focus on how his actions made me feel (angry, humiliated, lost), and instead putting all my energy into continuing to work with him in any way I could in order to make progress (within boundaries so as not to lose all my dignity and self-respect of course!). I really couldn’t have tried any harder.

  14. BTW – I can’t believe you guys do this!
    It is amazing how therapeutic being able to converse with somebody who is not involved and can be objective, really is – especially from the male perspective, which I don’t claim to understand.
    I bet all your responses are such gratefully received support for the people messaging here!!

  15. @Stuck……What do you mean by he behaved badly toward you? (Maybe this is too personal?) ……We’ll come back to that. But first we’ll respond quickly to your other comment. Thank you. Yes, we try hard. Mainly because it’s not about clicks or impressions for us. We actually care about helping people and we enjoy what we do. So yes, people are often skeptical when they comment or ask a question, especially people who want to discuss their question privately via email and pay the very modest—we think so—$35 fee. They have no idea what they might get and are almost always very pleasantly surprised at what they do get. (Yes, we put a lot of thought and time into responses. And private questions tend to be more in-depth and more personal.) So back to our question. (If you’re comfortable conversing here that’s totally fine. Or if you want to have a more private conversation you can just select Ask a Private question and fill out form and go from there. Your call. No pressure either way.) So, back to our question. What do you actually mean? What sort of hidden resentment? Does this have to do with the kids? Is he wanting to connect more with them and doesn’t know how? Or does he generally feel emasculated by you doing everything? And FYI: We totally get the dynamic. Guy, him, loves having an independent woman who runs the household, makes decisions, takes care of the social life. But at some point he realizes that he wants to be more involved and then blames her/you for taking over, when in fact, he was part of creating the dynamic in the first place. Sound close?

  16. Dear guys,

    I’ve been married for many years and a few years back I reached a low point after suffering severe depression and asked my husband for a separation and/or divorce. He was reluctant and things became nasty ie name calling being horrible to each other etc as he refused to give me what I wanted and I sought out by any means. Eventually he gave in and I started seeing someone new. The relationship was very brief and for me was a way of just rebelling and seeking escape and that soon ended. A few weeks later I went back to my husband apologising having come to my senses and realised he was the one I wanted. He took me back and I thought everything was fine for the next few years until a few months ago he asked for space and moved out. I am in my last trimester with my third child and found this to be a big blow. He said he’s still not over what happened during our separation and sees it as me having had an affair. I see it as we were separated and I’d asked for a divorce so in my mind when I was trying to move on I didn’t think I’d ever look back. I honestly think I was temporarily insane during this time n suffered some sort of crisis and that’s why I made so many mistakes and he was the one who suffered for it. I’ve apologised immensely but he’s still hurt and brings it up everytime we try to talk. He says he doesn’t know if he’ll ever get over it. I am heartbroken. So far it’s been a few months and he’s not helping me at all at home and visits only to see the kids once in a while. My family are insisting I love back in with t parents before the baby is due as I won’t be able to cope on my own after the surgery. I am clinging to hope he will come around before the baby is due in a months time but I’m scared I’m making the wrong assumption and will end up suffering as he’s made it clear he might not be there to help me and take care of me and the child after the surgery. I am trying to give him all the space he needs but I cry everyday as I know he’s out hanging out with his young friends who are 21 while he is approaching his thirties. I fear they are influencing him to be single and free. We married young. He says he loves me but just doesn’t see how he will ever get the images of me being with someone else out of his mind and get over it as well as how heartbroken he was. He forgets how much I went through before I reached my breaking point and the reasons and just blames my brief relationship as the reason we broke up where as I wanted out way before. I can’t do anything but keep apologising and I am completely depressed over this. I don’t know if I should continue to be patient and see if anything changes with him or move to my parents and start rebuilding my life. He is hesitant to divorce but says he can’t promise we won’t. Any advice would be appreciated.

  17. @Megan…We’re so sorry. This sounds very complicated. We’ll explain his point of view. So he married you young, which means you may be the only woman he’s been with? Or close to it. Is that right? If that’s the case, this also means that in some ways he’s still that adolescent boy who fell in love with you at a young age. He sees your dalliance with another guy as a huge betrayal. It doesn’t matter that you were broken up, or thought you were getting divorced, or may not have been of right mind, that’s how he thinks about it. But in addition, sex is a huge deal for guys. What we’re saying is that you could have had a deep emotional affair that may have been much more threatening to your relationship but he could get past that. But having sex with another guy, even if it didn’t mean a lot, is like stabbing him in the heart. (That’s just how guys are wired.) We’re not trying to make you feel worse, we’re just trying to explain why he’s acting how he’s acting. Not only that, he probably feels like you are ‘one up’ on him. As in, “She got to cheat on me, maybe I should cheat on her.” We know it doesn’t make a lot of sense to you, but we’re quite certain this is how he’s feeling. Have you asked him about this? Have you asked him if he wants to see other women? You might ask him what he thinks about this and if he feels he needs to even the score. We know this sounds so immature and young, but you have to remember that people tend to stay in that same emotional space at the time they enter a relationship. Example: It’s like siblings coming home for the holidays. Maybe in their adult lives they act a certain way, but as soon as they walk through their parents’ front door they fall into their familiar childhood roles. It happens. This situation is similar. What do you think?

  18. Dear guys,

    Thank you for your reply. You are absolutely right because he has said to me exactly what you are saying and don’t worry I’d rather be hurt with the truth now so please be as honest as possible don’t worry. He was 21 when we married and had been with a few women but he says I’m the first to her break his heart. He doesn’t care that we were broken up and to me I didn’t feel like I was having an affair and this is where I struggle to come to terms with why he can’t forgive me. This was all two years ago, he didn’t tell me how he felt about it up till two months ago so I always feel blindsided by all this moving out and stuff especially since I am due to give birth soon. I am also a very private person and his family knowing he’s abandoned me has brought me so much shame I struggle to understand why he would make things so public and not care for my feelings. During this deportation he’s been selfish I’ve never seen him like this he’s mean, can’t stand me at all no matter what I do or say, he’d rather sleep on people’s floors than come home even though I’ve promised to leave him alone as he wishes and he can stay in the spare bedroom. The kids are last on his list too. Being hit with having to be a single mum while so heavily pregnant has come as a shock to me and since its been two months, I don’t know how long this is going to go on. He treats me like we are divorced so why won’t he just do it? I don’t know what to do or how to act around him. Should I show him love or be stand offish and leave him be as he seems to want? He’s always out and I know nothing about who he sees or where he goes. He says he has thought about cheating to get back at me but won’t and hasn’t. I feel like asking him to do it if it means putting me out of my misery but I also know it’s stupid since he may fall for the person! He says he just can’t seem to forget. I wish he told me two years ago he felt like this so in the last two years while we were together I would have worked on our marriage as I’m willing to do now. But at the time he didn’t make out like anything was wrong so we just went back to how we always were. I don’t want to give birth alone as its major surgery, he says he doesn’t know if he can be there for me. Do you think I should just pack up and fly back to my parents cause the birth won’t change how he’s treating me? And if I did go home would it make things worse for me as I’m no longer around in his life at all and be easier for him to move on? He’s refusing couples therapy. I’m at a loss of what to do I just cry and feel completely helpless as all I can do is say sorry. I can’t change the past :( they say it’s takes years to get over an affair even thought you know I don’t believe I did. But im sure in those years the couple are still together and living together …how long should I let him leave alone for? He says he just can’t be around me. Is there a possibility of light at the end of the tunnel or should I prepare for the worst? He says he knows what I’m going through as he felt the same when I left him n cried for months but I never abandoned him nor treated him cruelly and he got his happy ending cause I came back, deep down I knew I couldn’t leave him for good. In my case I feel like there’s no glimmer of hope.

  19. @Megan……We feel your pain and anguish. Gosh, we are soory. We wish we could wave a magic want for you and have this all go away. But, obviously we can’t, so let’s talk about this. He may get over this, but it’s not going to be anytime soon. You talk about your parents and leaving to be with them. Does that mean you’re kind of isolated where you live now? How far do your parents live from you? Have you asked your husband what he thinks about this? (He may be angry with you, but would he be okay with you taking the kids?) We wouldn’t do anything rash without discussing it with him, otherwise you’re inviting bigger problems. That said, we can see why you’d want more of a support system in place since you’re going to have a baby w/surgery. (What do your parents say about you coming? Your situation?) You know, right now he’s lashing out. He’s upset. Angry. These feelings have been there since your initial split and your “affair” (in his mind) but they’re finally coming to the surface. Have you asked him if he’d like to separate for a bit, so he can find himself, do what he needs to do? We know you’re worried about this, and yes, there are NO GUARANTEES that if you split temporarily, he won’t find someone else. Do we think that will happen? NO. Maybe for a short time, but not anything long-term. Of course, that’s just our opinion and we’re not always right. However, the two of you have built such a life together that we don’t think he’s going to ultimately want to throw it away. But seems to us he needs space to breathe, and honestly, your most important focus should be your kids, and your pregnancy. How are your kids handling all that’s going on? What do you think about what we’ve said?

  20. Dear guys,

    Thank you for your empathy. My parents live in a different continent and are in their seventies. I have no friends where I live nor any family they are all on a different continent which I left to marry him when I was 22. I gave up my whole life to live with him and his family became my only friends and family. Right now I can’t face any of them out of embarrassment. They don’t know why he’s left me but I feel so much shame to face any of them when they know he’s left me while pregnant. I’m sure they’re thinking the worst of me. It’s the reason I left him two years ago was I felt I spent years trying to please him and his family but I felt like I was always failing as they still criticised me as a person, a mother n sometimes a wife. We argued about them almost daily till I felt second best and had enough. Till today they still cause issues for me and him but I’ve grown thicker skin. So im an outsider. Since he’s left me I have no adult contact I only have my kids. I’ve asked him to consider moving back in and sleeping in the spare bedroom just to help me with the kids and house work as I’m getting more and more tired as the pregnancy progresses plus the depression doesn’t help, but he’s refused. He just keeps saying he needs space. I feel like 3 months of space so far that we’ve had is a long time and I don’t understand why he can’t have his space while still living under the same roof just to be able to help each other out. You say he won’t get over it anytime soon, he says the same and even though it’s been two years he says the fact he hasn’t gotten over it yet he doesn’t know if he ever will and this scares me more than anything. I don’t know how to help the situation. I’m so isolated and alone and he’s out with family and friends having fun and doing what he wants. I’ve discussed with him about going to stay with my parents but I’ve warned him should I go I’ll be moving for good for the sake of the kids education and stability. He says if we go it’ll break his heart but he won’t stop me. It’s clear it’ll break his heart only because he doesn’t want to be separated from the kids. But if I stay I remain living in isolation with only him as my friend (who I feel hates my guts). It’s a big decision. My parents feel helpless and beg me to go live with them every chance they get. They are afraid I will be abandoned after the surgery and therefore suffer complications like I did once before due to lack of help. He now says he will try to help me but can’t promise he’ll be around as much as I want or need. I believe you are right that he won’t get over it anytime soon so considering this, why would the solution in terms of giving him space require me to be miserable and alone and for him to be sleeping on his mums couch? Surely we need a long term space solution. Is living with me not going to give him the space he needs even if I take no interest in where he goes how long he goes for or with whom? He can just use the house to sleep. Or do u think he’ll get over it faster if he’s out of the house? He doesn’t seem to miss me much. Only the kids.

  21. @Megan…..It would probably be a lot to ask your parents to come stay with you for a while. Is that even possible? (Just a thought) Here’s how we see this. (And this is just our opinion) Your relationship with your husband is not going to be resolved any time soon. It may turn out that he comes back to you, it may not. We can’t read his mind or the future. That said, your most important focus should be your kids and your pregnancy AND you. Because if you feel isolated and depressed you’re not doing your kids a favor, or frankly, your baby. So we think you should make a decision based on what’s best for yourself, your kids, and your baby. You see this as a long-term decision and maybe it is. But maybe it isn’t. None of us can know what the future holds. Whatever you decide, we urge you not to close off any possibilities until the time comes when things are clearer. You’re trying to force the future and we understand why but you can’t. You just want this uncertainty to be over, but unfortunately life doesn’t work that way. So figure out what’s best for you in the short term and do that. And you might be surprised: Often decisions begat other decisions. Meaning, once you make a decision, other questions will start to get answered. The key is to make a decision. What is that? That’s up to you, but you’re strong and you can do it. What do you think?

  22. Dear guys,

    I completely understand and agree however what I still feel I need to know from you (I understand it’s just an opinion) is from a guys perspective what is the best way for me to act during this time? See everything I do annoys him n most of what I say annoys him. I’m in a no win situation with him most of the time. Sometimes he’s nice but it’s very rare. is being completely out of his face and leaving him be ie no communication unless it is about kids, try not to see him etc the best way to help him get his space during this time? Because at the moment he sees us a few times a week to pass by for his stuff or see kids. I personally think he’s enjoying his freedom a lot and being away from us. Most of the guys he hangs out with don’t have families so it’s not like he has to watch them go home at the end of the night to their families while he’s alone. Ofcourse I want him to miss me but I just don’t know how that is possible when he still has access to us whenever he wants and it’s all on his terms. I am not talking about cutting access to the kids just myself, as there is a way to share custody without him having to see me physically or speak to me. When I am nice to him, eventually when the pretence collapses and I start crying he says this is why we need space because I feel we get along better when we are not together. But how is it true when I am only pretending to be ok and being overly nice in hopes we get along well enough for him to think about moving back in? And when I am myself…crying n upset and quiet as I am depressed, he wants to be away from me still saying we are better apart as he doesn’t want to hurt me more. I feel like I don’t know how to act around him I feel like either way I act I lose. what do you think?

  23. @Megan…..You’re already walking on eggshells, so it’s tough for us to say how you should act. Most likely he would prefer you act casual, as if nothing is wrong. Will that make him come back? Maybe. Certainly it might give him some emotional breathing room so he can make his own decision. So you’ve decided to stick around and not go to your parents? What’s your plan of action?

  24. @guys honestly I haven’t made a decision nor am I close to making one. It is the hardest decision of my life. I struggle to understand how he’s getting his space while being out every night after work with his young friend. I know how influential friends are whether we see it or not and this young man has a very bad habit of talking constantly about women as sex objects and his eyes are always on the look out. Should I tell my husband I have a problem with his company? When I separated from him years ago the guy who I eventually had a short relationship with was one of my very good friends and we were Only just friends until my husband kept insisting I am leaving him for this friend. The more he was adamant about it the more I grew closer to that friend. I think that’s why when we eventually seperated and were heading to divorce, the relationship fizzled out because all we had in common was my husbands hatred for our friendship. So knowing this I don’t want to moan about his friend in case it does the same thing it did to me then ie make them closer in rebellion to me. What do you think? Is having “Space” for a guy going out daily? Why say you need space to be alone hence moving out etc when ur not actually alone at all ever? Your either at work or out with friends or seeing family? I don’t get it. I am the one who’s actually alone from his choice. Seems so unfair to me.

  25. @Megan….Space, means emotional space, away from the part of his life that stresses him out and makes him feel overwhelmed. Going out with friends is a reminder of the days when he only had himself to worry about. Is it unfair? Yeah, seems that way to us, but right now it is what it is. He’s making decisions for himself, now it seems that leaves you to make decisions for yourself. That said, before you make any huge decision you might want to run it by him. (Like leaving to live with your parents.) Yeah, that probably doesn’t seem fair either, but it’s the right thing to do.

  26. @All the Women out THere…….We’d love to hear your thoughts on The Perfect Guy? Leave a comment, a description or respond to someone else’s comment. Let’s have a conversation.

  27. My husband and I have been together for 8 1/2yrs. but married for 6 of those years. 3 months ago I decided to let him know because I wasn’t feeling loved or acknowledged I entertained another man’s attention. We didn’t do anything sexual, just conversation. He was beyond hurt and started sleeping at his job and keeping distant from me.He would come home each day after work and not talk to me or even tell me he loved me (something he would saying everyday for the whole relationship.) We finally talked and he said he wanted to separate because it was to much for him to handle under the same roof. Though he said he couldn’t afford a room, he got one anyway. I thought it was a little extreme to handle things this way especially since he reached out to other women to feel validated when he didn’t think I loved him just for the attention.He begged me not to leave him when the roles were reversed, but now he leaves me and our children (4months, 4yrs, and 6yrs.) He’s been gone for 3 months now, with no sign he wants to come back (or at least in my eyes.) He calls just about everyday to talk to the kids, we’ve had a few conversations, but when I try to address the marriage he gets upset or doesn’t want to talk about it. He’s even told me to continue with the divorce, but he got mad when I told him I’m going to move on with my life because I can’t sit in a grey area. I just don’t get it. Does he want the marriage or not? He will listen to my views and my words, but won’t say anything. I decided based on how things were going and how he abandoned his family, I filed for divorce. I’ve reminded my husband I love him and think we can work this out, but he says he doesn’t feel he can trust me now. I think its deeper then what he’s saying. During these 3 months my husband was demoted from a managers position to a customer service rep (the same position he started with the company 4yrs ago) which I’m sure messed up his manhood. He can’t afford to pay the rent for his room, he can’t afford to pay his monthly bills. And now that he’s on child support for our children, he really won’t be able to pay for anything (which I feel all this stuff he’s going through isn’t my fault since he’s the one that moved out.) I would think most smart men would swallow their pride and come back home with their family instead of struggle just to prove a point. He’s called me for sex a few times, as well as flirted, and held long conversations with me…but the next day act like I’m his enemy. He’s 28 and I’m 33. I’m trying to hold on, but not sure if its even worth it or a lost cause. I must say he’s always had self esteem, and pride, issues and I’ve always been the “strong,confident link” of the relationship but right now I don’t know which direction to go. I know they say men can’t handle their woman getting attention from another man, but I think his whole handle on this situation is beyond over board. Help!!!

  28. @Kate…..We’re confused about a few things. 1. Why did you entertain another man? In what way weren’t you feeling loved or appreciated? 2. Is this something he’s done in the past? Entertained another woman? 3. Filing for divorce seems rash. Or has your relationship been building towards that? Fill us in a little more and we’ll get back to you.

  29. I ran into an old friend and we pretty much were catching up and that was it. I let my husband know who I ran into and he was beyond upset that I chose to even speak to another man on a more emotional level. During that week I felt like I wasnt getting the attention I needed from my husband and got pulled in to the attention by the other guy. He’s made me feel like his work was more important plenty of times. I’ve spoken about it, but his response was always ” I’m doing this for our family.” To me that reason wasn’t good enough since its not like we never the money. Time is always more important to me. There was a time when the roles were reversed and my husband didn’t feel like I loved him or wanted to be worth him anymore, so he looked for any woman on the internet to have a conversation with. We parted ways before do to us both feeling unappreciated but this time I think he went over board by separating from me. I filed because I felt if my husband could walk out on his 3 small children and wife who he made vows to, then I’m with the wrong man. I believe he showed me what he thought about our marriage when he moved out and got a room to live. He’s turned very cold and mean at times, then will call me for sex, conversation and to talk to the kids. He believes I cheated and his pride and ego as well as the enemy has definitely turned him into a man I don’t recognize. We’ve gone through a lot, but have bounced back from it stronger than ever. But maybe this situation was the breaking point for him. I’ve explained nothing else happened, but I also will not deal with the cold hearted treatment because he’s feeling insecure and going through other personal issues.

  30. @Kate……Okay, got it. Thanks for filling us in. It sounds like neither of you wants to give. He went overboard and left. And you one-upped him by filing for divorce. You have to ask yourself, is it more important to be “right” or is the relationship more important? Yes, he’s not treating you well. And yes, he went overboard. And he feels you betrayed him so he’s digging in his heels. If you truly want this relationship to continue one of you has to be the “bigger” person and apologize and try to help the other person get through their pain. Sorry to say, but it looks like you’re going to have to be that person. If you want him back, you have to sit him down and tell him how much you love him, and that you’d never betray him, and that you were just talking, and so on. If after you’ve done that and he won’t listen, well, then you’ll have no regrets. You’ll have done whatever you could. At this point, it just seems like there’s more work to be done. Are we off base? What do you think?

  31. Yes you are spot on! Based on my pastor, my spiritual adviser and a very close friend of mine that’s a prayer warrior, I will have to be the bigger person to save this marriage and to bring my husband closer to God. I also feel like the Holy Spirit has spoken to me on a number of occasions and showed me views about my marriage prospering. My only issue is Carlo allowing the enemy to use him and lead him to destruction. Maybe God has to allow Carlo to hit rock bottom where he’ll have no choice but to humble himself, so I’ve given him to God and have stepped back. At the end of the day, I am his wife and its no excuse to abandon us and still act like he’s on his soap box. Its not ok for him to act the way he is because his pride and man hood is shot. You can’t point out someone else’s sins, and continue to live yours. You know? I honestly feel, he moved out and has chose to distance himself away from his family, so I shouldn’t have to beg him to come back. I have no choice but to have faith in the Most High and believe if this marriage is ordained by God, then he will bring my husband home better than before and will restore all that’s been lost. I’ve sat my husband down a few times and told him I still love him and want to work this out. I even put my wedding ring back on, and showed sympathy in his stuggles he’s facing since he’s been out the house. Doing all that, and I haven’t gotten any of the love back. He has shown certain signs that shows me he soul loves and cares ( even though he hasnt said it) after being with someone for almost 9 years and knowing then better then they know themselves its easy. But these games and playing hard to get, is unnecessary and childish. I refuse to make his problems mine. I’ve extended an olive branch and he’s slapped it away so I don’t know what else to do but continue my life and focus on my children and myself.I know me and my children are covered in the blood of Jesusa and that’s why the enemy went after my husband to try and destroy him and our covenant. But its up to my husband on what direction he will continue to live his life.I do know a wife’s prayer over her husband is very powerful and God the honor it especially if its asking for reconciliation, and that’s all I’m left to do. What do you do in the flesh when your man and is pride is so big he wont allow his real love and true feelings to come out at what point do you allow a person to just dig their own grave and just wait?

  32. @Kate…..You trust your gut is what you do. You know the situation better than we do. You know how much effort you’ve put into making things whole again. So you’re better able to answer the question of how long you should wait. We do agree that you need to focus on your children, and trying to make them feel secure and happy amidst the chaos they must be feeling. You take care of yourself Kate. We wish you well. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends. Thanks.

  33. My husband and I have been together for 6 1/2 years and married for 3. Last week I discovered my husband and been calling another girl numerous times and I confronted him on it. He told me nothing was going on but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be married anymore and he moved out. I had noticed him detaching and continued to ask him if everything was OK and got the yes, yes I am happy etc
    After a few days of him moving out we meet up and he stated he isn’t attracted to me anymore. Also our sex life had gotten boring and we did go through a few times where it wasn’t happening as much as it should of. I am 41 and my husband is 31. He stated the age difference is now abeing issue and we have a lot of debt. He says he loves me and that is not the problem he just doesn’t know if he wants this. I also discovered he was sexting with the girl he was calling and since the split it has stopped. He states it might be a mid life crisis and wants space but he said he wants to try to save the marriage. Since the split he has been partying like he is single but I don’t believe their has been any other girls. I feel so extremely hurt and confused. Any insight would be appreciated on how to handle this.

  34. @Dawn……We are so sorry. We hate to see couples split up. Sounds like he’s craving his freedom to come and go as he pleases. Is that a mid-life crisis? Will he get over it and move past this? It’s hard to say. (Are there kids involved?) In general, make sure you keep the communication flowing with him. Have you asked him to go to couples counseling? Or anything like that? That would be a good place to start…….You know Dawn, this is a complicated situation that involves a longer discussion. We don’t feel comfortable digging into it here in the comments, also with the number of questions we can’t do your question justice here in the comments. (We’re mainly answering longer, more complex questions via our Ask a Private Question option.) If you have a short follow-up feel free to leave here. But if you want a longer discussion you might want to consider selecting the Ask a Private Question option and book your private conversation with One of THE GUYS. (Yes, there is a fee, so read testimonials on our site to see what people say about us.) You take care.

  35. My husband and I have been married a little over 5 years. We met online 7 years ago when I was going through a divorce. He lived in England, pretty much as a hermit, had not had a girlfriend since college days. He visited me once and I visited him twice over a 2 year skype courtship. After that, he immigrated to the US on a fiancé visa and we married. The last 5 years have been fantastic. Everything seemed to be fine, though a little routine, until August. I noticed he seemed distant and asked him about it, to which he replied that he was just bored and supposed that was how marriage was. I was so hurt, we discussed it the next day and made up, or at least I thought. He seemed depressed and didn’t want to do any of the things he used to enjoy with me, like running, kayaking, going to movies, etc. Two weeks later, I was looking for a hammer in his tool chest and came across gifts from another woman. I had never snooped on his computer before, but this time I looked and found that he had friended her in May, had subscribed to an audiobook club and began reading audiobooks that she had suggested (completely out of character for him), had visited live web cam porn sites, and had been exploring properties for sale and new jobs. I also found her number on his cell phone. I was shocked. I confronted him about it the next day — he denied at first, tried to play it as “just friends”, but finally confessed that he had a “special affection” for her and had been going to her at work (coworker) for support with our marital problems (which he never could specify for me and which I obviously knew nothing about). He said that he cared about me and didn’t want to hurt me but wasn’t in love with me anymore. He said he felt like our marriage was unsalvageable and refused to go to counseling. Later in the day, I found that the woman had FB messaged him early that morning after he had been called back into work the night before, calling him her “sweet man” which is what I always called him, telling him that she hoped he got to sleep in after a long night and that she was so happy that God had placed him in her life. I immediately transferred all the money to a private account and gave him the choice of ending the affair or getting out. He packed up everything he could fit in 3 suitcases and went straight to her. He has been there ever since and wants nothing to do with me. He contacted me 2 weeks later and wanted to do a no fault divorce, and he’s really pissed because I found a receipt for condoms in his truck after he was trying to convince me that he was just sleeping on her couch and filed divorce on grounds of adultery and abandonment. He has to pay me almost half of his pay every month and it is killing him. He actually went to the trouble to rent an apartment a couple buildings down from her right after he was served just to try to get out of spousal support — he doesn’t live there, parks his truck in front, walks down to her place and spends the night, then walks back to the truck in the morning in uniform to go to work. They got to church 2 times a week – he NEVER wanted to go to church — she is separated and not divorced and living in a little 1 bedroom apt. It has been absolutely bizarre the way he has lied to me about the entire affair and done everything to try to act as if they are just friends, despite phone records with 100s of texts, the condom receipt, him living with her, the gifts and FB message. He has vilified me and blames me for him leaving and says he would have come back home after 2 weeks if I had not told anyone (I informed his employer and family and friends), as if they wouldn’t have figured it our by him living with her. Despite all this, I really do love this man, and I really want to save our marriage. I have tried all the begging, pleading, reasoning, etc., but now have given up and gone no contact. I truly think he has lost his mind. His gf is a religious fanatic, has him waving his arms around in church and wearing church tshirts and bracelets, yet living with him in adultery and coaching him to divorce and to stay away from me. She is not all that attractive and seems very needy, whereas I am a personal trainer and am independent and active. In fact, I was just starting my own business and had gotten my license 2 days before I discovered all this and he lost his mind. I would love any insight an advice on this — is it a MLC? He has had some death and illness in his family, as well as depression, weight gain, and health issues leading up to this, along with me leaving a 16 year career to begin my own business (with his blessing). Should I even hope that he will come to his senses?

  36. @Crystal…….We understand your situation and are happy to have a conversation about it and try to provide some thoughts and insights, but your question deserves a longer, more in-depth conversation than we’re able to provide here in the comments. (We just can’t keep up and had to change our policies. Only shorter questions via comments.) So two choices: 1. Revise and resend, shortening it considerably. 2. Choose the Ask a Private Question option on our site. (Yes, this comes with a fee, so you should read testimonials on our Relationship Coaching/Advice page to see what clients say about us.) No pressure at all. Just letting you know. We do hope we can help you in some way. You take care.

  37. Hi, I’m Tosha. I’m 36 years old and my husband is 45. We’ve been married 8 years and he’s recently moved out. We never had infidelity issues but, constantly argue and it has gotten physical twice in the past. Once, resulting in legal repercussions for him. He resents me for this turn of events and although we’ve done counseling in the past, neither of us have really gotten over it. He was always head over heels in love with me. No question. I grew to love him just as much but, over the years, the bickering and his antics at trying to establish control have caused so much drama that neither of us have been happy. We do love each other and we share a 6 year and two teens (one for each of us from previous relationships). It’s like we were meant for each other but just can’t find our happy medium. Everything is a struggle and he’s admitted that he wasn’t honest with me about things he didn’t like for ears because he was afraid to lose me. I believe he started trying to reesstablish his manhood by forcing his will in me which led to more arguments. Then, he made huge purchases that caused financial burden and resulted in ruining my credit (I was the only one with good credit so all was in my name and when we couldn’t pay bills, it hurt me). Anyway, he moved out and says he’d like to go to counseling and take a year to see where we end up. He is coming by a lot to see the kids and pushing up on me for sec. he claims he doesn’t want to date anyone else or rush to divorce but, I don’t trust it. I feel like he wants to have his freedom and still have me on the side. I’m open to counseling again but, I don’t know how I should maneuver through this separation. If a man leaves you, doesn’t that mean he wants out for good? I’m so lost.

  38. @Tosha……We’re sorry. This sounds really hard. To us, it’s too soon to tell what’s going to happen, but you seem to have a pretty good understanding of what’s going on. But he doesn’t. Meaning, his emotions are all over the place. On the one hand he misses you and wishes the two of you could work things out. On the other hand, he’s enjoying his freedom, and likes having you on the “side” as you say, and the kids on the “side.” (He can kind of come and go as he pleases but not have to deal with the day to day issues/conflicts that can arise. You’re going to just have to see how you feel each day. One suggestion: If he’s truly moved out, then seems to us that sex should be off the table, at least until you have a better sense of where his head’s at. But this is your call. ps. Your question actually is a bit too complex for the Comments Section. We’d like to give it more time and have more discussion but we only do that with the Ask a Private Question option. Yes, there is a fee so read the testimonials on our site to hear what people say about us. We wish you all the best.

  39. Hey Guys,
    I believe my husband is going through a crisis. We’re in our mid-30s and have been together for over 14 years, married for over 7. We do not have children because he is unable to and while we’ve tried other alternatives we stopped them when he began an emotional affair with a coworker. The affair continued for about a year and a half and came to an end about a year ago, when he told me he didn’t know if he wanted to be with anyone (she rejected him and really broke his heart) but we decided to try to make things work. The last year of our marriage has been wonderful. We’ve talked more than ever, did things together, had a great sex life, shared fantasies, etc. We were happy together. He was happy and in love again- I could tell there was a difference. He has applied for several promotions over the last year and has been turned down for every one. I know this has been hard on him. I’m also trying to trust him again but I can’t help but wonder who he’s texting when he’s sitting next to me, and sometimes I am more inquisitive than I should be (but he cheated on me for a year and a half and I found out through texts and emails with her- so I’m naturally going to be like that for a bit).

    On New Year’s Eve we all had too much to drink at a party and ended up living one of his fantasies- sex with multiple partners. After it was over I was uneasy. I had actual intercourse with another man but he did not have actual intercourse with another woman, but he was intimate with a close friend and I just wasn’t ok with any of it. Throughout the event (which wasn’t planned, by the way), we made sure to communicate with each other- we sought each other’s approval and had even had conversations in the past about our limits should we ever find ourselves in that kind of situation. He went back to drinking after and at some point he snapped and stopped speaking to me. We drove home the next day in silence and when we got home he left. I tracked him down to try to talk to him and he left again. We spent the week in silence- he was sleeping in the basement and refused to speak with me. He eventually left the house to stay with a friend and sent me an email telling me he would never forget what happened and could never get over it. He continued to stay away and wouldn’t talk to me, and pulled away from mutual friends. He finally spoke to some and told them “he’s done” but continued his silent treatment with me. I found out that he had signed up for an online dating profile and he said he was separated and wanted to meet new people, but didn’t want anything serious.

    Finally, about a week ago he came home to talk. He told me he wasn’t happy anymore and hasn’t been for a few years. He said that he loves me and always will, but that he can’t do it anymore. He talked about looking for an apartment and selling the house, but never mentioned separation or divorce and had no plans of when he wanted to start the process of selling the house. He told me that he didn’tt blame me for the ‘event’ on New Years and wasn’t mad at me, but he said he wouldn’t have gotten us into that kind of situation if he was happy with our marriage. After a long good talk, we were intimate for about an hour and a half. It was as though nothing happened. We left it off that I would let him know what was going on with the bills and would let him know if he got mail. We’ve chatted a few times via text since, but nothing serious. I am doing my best to try to work on me and I’ve lost 30 pounds over the last 6 weeks, I’m seeing a therapist and I’m working with a marriage coach all on my own. I’m trying to do things for me and have an amazing support system consisting of friends and family, many of those friends being mutual friends who have turned to me through this just because he’s handling this all wrong.

    He doesn’t have too many friends and he’s stubborn. He’s unfollowed or unfriended me on social media because he told me he can’t see me and what I’m posting, but people are telling me he’s trying to engage with people and no one is answering him. I feel for him because I really feel like he doesn’t have anyone, and he’s obviously lonely. I am here and willing to work through our issues but I want him to realize he has a problem and without us really talking I don’t know where to turn. I believe he loves me and I believe he’s making a mistake. Knowing him better than anyone do a, I think that he will regret what he is doing eventually. I don’t know what to do or how to ‘be’ with him right now. Do I continue giving him space? Do I let him know how much I love and miss him? Do I move on and if he comes back and I’m willing to take him back, great, if not then sucks for him? I’m just at a loss and am trying to be strong but it’s getting harder. I hate that he’s going through something and doesn’t realize it and I hate that he doesn’t want me around and thinks that leaving me is the answer. How do I cope from here? Thanks in advance!!

  40. @Michelle…..We’re really sorry. Your situation sounds difficult. Hang in there. That said, we’d like to help you but we aren’t able to do that here in the comments for such an in-depth and lengthy question. Due to the amount of comments we get, we tend to only give short answers to shorter questions. If you’d like to have a discussion with us select the Ask a Private Question option on our site. Yes, there’s a fee, but if you read the testimonials on our Relationship Coaching/Advice page you’ll see what clients say about us and it will help you make your decision. No pressure, just letting you know. You take care.

  41. Heartbroken mommy // April 13, 2017 at 4:08 pm //

    Hi! I need some advice and from a guys perspective on things…
    So my husband I have been together since I was 18 and I am now 30, he is 33. When we first got together things were your typical new relationship- always together, laughing, and totally in love! We got pregnant with our oldest and things were hard. We broke up for about 5 months but got back together. Everything was moving along well. We got married and I thought we would live happily ever after. He was a social deinker from the time I met him but as time has gone on it has gotten worse and worse. When we found out we were expecting our second child he was over the moon excited but then began to distance himself. Spending entire weekends with friends drinking and not coning home. I stayed and was defermined to love him through it. I tried and I tried and I tried to get him to see he had an issue with drinking but it was with no prevail. I tried talking, screaming, crying, writing letters and texts, seeking advice from my friends and family as well as his friends. Nothing worked… this past weekend he told me he thinks that we need to take time apart. He wants to get his own place. He said he is miserable. He said he has everything to make him happy but he isn’t. He said he wants to care but he just does not seem to. He also said he feels like he is messing everything up. I tried to encourage him and tell him what a great man he was. I told him I wanted him to be happy and would support him as he tries to find that happiness. I told him how loved he was and how much our children and I need him but that he has to figure out how to deal with his drinking problem. We spoke breifly today and he said that he thinks getting his own place is the answer. I asked if wants a divorce and he said no but that right bow our narriage is not his concern, being a better dad is. I am so heartbroken. I want him to be happy but I also love him and want him to be with me and our kids. I asked about counseling and he said no, he knows the issue and doesn’t want a stranger to try and tell him what the problem is. I know the root of the issue is his drinking but I don’t understand why he drinks. He tells me he loves me every time we hang up the phone or he comes home. He still kisses me goodnight and snuggles in bed. If he leaves I worry for my kids and my marriage he will not come back. A lease is a 1 year comitment… so I wait for a year and hope for the best? Do I try and stop him from leaving? I really do want him to be healthy and happy, but why is leaving the only option? Also should note, we do not really fight or argue except about his drinking…
    Please excuse my typos.

  42. @Heartbroken Mommy……We are so, so sorry. But unfortunately it sounds like he needs to do this. Which means, trying to stop him isn’t going to work and it’s not going to help your cause. He needs to figure this out and he wants to do it on his own. That said, it is a little troubling that he isn’t willing to go to counseling, or work on your marriage. Honestly, he seems completely at a loss and he feels he needs space to sort things out……You’ve got to let him. (What choice do you have.) But that doesn’t mean you can’t assert what you need……..You know, there’s a lot to your question, but digging in here in the comments isn’t probably the best place to do it. For more complex issues we address with the Ask a Private Question option on our site. That would be the best way to continue. Hang in there.

  43. Hi, guys!
    I’m a bit desperate. My husband of 23 years (I’m 48 and he’s 45) left me two weeks ago for his mistress. They have been having an affair for almost two years. She is his ex-girlfriend. They dated before he and I met. I found out about the affair a year ago and have been fighting tooth and nail to save our marriage. He decided a few weeks ago that he ” loves me but is no longer in love with me.” He said he loves her and wants to be with her. They are even talking marriage!!!

    My heart is broken.

    He’s been gone for 17 days and has not once contacted me to check to see if I’m ok. The day he left he kept kissing me and telling me he loved me. Yet, he filed divorce papers just days before.

    I physically hurt. I would still try to save my marriage if I thought there was a chance but I’m afraid it’s over. I guess my question is, do these types of relationships ever work? Does the husband ever regret his decision? Am I fooling myself thinking he will ever come back?

    It hurts to be replaced and erased.
    23 years of memories is hard to let go of.

    Any advice is appreciated.

  44. Buffy,
    My husband left me 2 years ago & is still with ‘her’. Not once in that time has he shown any interest or concern about my welfare, so yes, it can work out.
    It took me a long time, & I know that I will always have love for him, but eventually you realise that you would never take them back & you start to see that your life is different but in a good way. I survived & you can too but you need to make the conscious decision to move forward & not dwell on the past. You’re probably reading this thinking you couldn’t or wouldn’t do that but I said the same things back them & after a time I realised he was happy & living life & I wasn’t.
    I know some marriages work out & husbands come back but in the meantime focus on YOU. I wish you well no matter how it turns out.

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