My husband’s affair; should I give him a second chance? (Relationship and Dating Advice)

Hi Guys,

I recently found out that my husband had an affair. He still wanted to make the marriage work and I forgave him; but he still didn’t want to stop speaking to her after I gave him an ultimatum. Soon I found out he had created a new email to talk with her. When I saw that he told her he missed her and couldn’t wait to see her on his day off, I asked him to leave. He packed his things. I’m not sure what to do at this point. Do I give him time to realize? Or should I assume that the marriage is over? I know I have to come to terms that I can’t control his actions but I’m just trying to come to terms with what has happened.

Nicebabye

Dear Nicebaybee,

We’re truly sorry. We hate to see couples split up.

Your husband wants to have his cake and eat it too. But this type of thinking doesn’t work for most marriages, unless you have some sort of “open” arrangement, which we are not recommending. (Those arrangements usually don’t work out either. One person is often driving it while the other follows reluctantly.)

Was he even remorseful when he asked you to try again? It doesn’t sound like he was. In order for this to have a chance at working he needs to show some remorse; he needs to show that he’s willing to do whatever it takes to regain your trust; and then he needs to show he’s taking steps to change his behavioral patterns. (Maybe see a professional to help him understand why he’s making the choices he’s making, and then how not to repeat them. Therapist or counselor.)

He’s got a long way to go. If you weren’t married we’d say move on. But since you’re married and you’ve invested so much time and emotional energy into the relationship, we suggest you give him a little bit of time to see if he’ll wake up and realize what he’s done. (You don’t want to have any regrets and feel like you didn’t try your best to reconcile. Perhaps through this year? Your call of course.) But remember, if he’s not 100% consistent about getting back together he’ll fall into the same old patterns before you know it. Then you’ll have wasted another year or so trying to make him change when he’s invested on staying just as he is.

Hang in there. Feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. And keep us posted on what you decide.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it. And on Facebook and Twitter. @TGPBuzz

14 Comments on My husband’s affair; should I give him a second chance? (Relationship and Dating Advice)

  1. I’m hoping for some sound advice. I snooped on my fiances phone yesterday and was sickened but what I saw. He was answering internet ads for casual grioup sex. I also found him texting one of his friends about a girl he found for the group sex party and was beyond extatic to plan the party. This is the second time this situation has happened. He said he answers the ads because it’s a turn on to him but that he would NEVER go through with it. We have 2 children each from a prior marriage, and live a very happy and loving life with them. We have been best driends for 15 years before we got together. Our sex life is amazing..one for the books. We are adventurous and creative. I always knew he was turned on by the group sex thing as we are very honest (at least I thought) with eachother. As soon as I confronted him he immediatley turned it around to question why I was going through his phone….like really?!?!?! I know I was wrong but I promised myself I would always trust my gut and as usual I was right. I love him…I truly do, but I’m so scared. What do I do? He’s apologized for hurting me and says he never meant to he was just bored. HELP!

  2. @SadRN……..So why did your gut tell you to check his phone? Has something changed in your relationship? Is he a solid communicator? What does he mean he would never go through with it? Wasn’t he planning a sex party? Is there more he’s not telling you? Fill us in a bit more and we’ll respond soon. Something isn’t adding up here since from what you describe you have a fantastic relationship. (We have some meetings to go to so it won’t be until tonight when we can respond.) Thanks.

  3. I guess it basically comes down to the fact that deep down I have trust issues with him. The first time i checked his phone (about 6 months ago) I did it because I felt he was being shady with his phone and always texting. When I saw him answering ads he said it’s just because its a turn on but nothing ever pans out b/c he would never go through with it. He asked for me to forgive him and trust him, so I did. I checked his phone again the other night and like I mentioned, saw the same behavior. Him answering ads on sites looking for men to have sex with their wives and group sex parties (1 girl lots of men- if you get my drift). When he was single he would do things like that here and there (meet a couple and have sex with the wife in front of the husband). I know that turns him on- when we watch porn, thats usually what we watch together. He keeps insisiting that he would never ever go through with anything-that its simply a fantasy that gets him turned on. He hasnt gone anywhere without me lately that wold make me think he actually went and did something. I just don’t want to be niave and end up leaving his sorry ass in a few months when it happens again. Why is this happening??? It’s my favorite time of year and now its ruined because of him :-( I’m so upset. What should i do???

  4. @SadRN…….Are you surprised by this behavior? You said yourself you knew he liked group sex. Has he ever suggested that sort of thing with you? (Adding another person into your sexual repertoire.) What we’re trying to understand is where the boundary is. Is he aware of it? Is it defined? Meaning, the two of you are already more comfortable pushing the boundaries of sex than most, so is it possible he’s not clear where the boundary is? Maybe you could start the conversation there? Of course, if he’s being shady, then he’ll continue to do this sort of thing even if he agrees to everything you ask. From our experience with this sort of thing—we’ve gotten a few questions, and know a few people into this sort of thing—the cravings don’t cease, they only get stronger. Which means the person needs to be that much more committed to a relationship to not indulge. Is he? That’s the question you need to ask yourself? And if you can trust him? Living a life with someone you can’t trust—even if they tell you you can—is miserable. Your thoughts? ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. thanks. We appreciate it.

  5. Thanks for responding. We have discussed this in the past. The first time I caught him answering ads and talking to his friend about the parties, I flipped!!! He promised me he would never do it again and that he just talks about b/c it gets hime turned on. I guess thats the part that I don’t believe…You’re just doing this for blue balls??? Everytime I try to discuss it with him, he flips it on me saying I invaded his privacy by going through his phone. Everytime I ve gone through his phone I have found something. Whether its flirting with an ex or answering ads. As I write this I feel like a complete moron for staying with him….but I love him…. He has swore up and down he has never done anything and never would. Please tell me…am i being niave by staying with him?

  6. @SadRN…..If you’re asking us to tell you whether to stay with him or not, we can’t answer that. (We tend to leave those answers to the people asking the question) If you’re wondering if he’s guilty, well then that’s a different question. Yes, he’s probably guilty of something. What that is, is difficult to surmise. Is it flirting, gawking, intent to cheat, cheating, it’s hard to say. What we don’t like is the fact that he keeps flipping things on you. Yes, you snooped, but that only matters if you DIDN’T find something. But you did. Did we use the private investigator example with you? If a woman hires a private investigator and discovers her husband’s cheating, can he then say, “But you used a private investigator!!”? No, he can’t. This is no different really. The question you might ask him is: “Why do I feel the need to snoop? If we had a trusting relationship I wouldn’t need to?” His response might be, “Well this is your own problem, your own insecurities talking.” Now it’s back at you to figure out what’s what. The bottom line: The two of you are at an impasse. Bigger than this actual issue is the way you communicate, and the way you resolve issues. There’s a lot of finger pointing going on. That’s almost more of a reason to question the relationship than the issue you’re worried about. What do you think?

  7. YOU are very wise my friend!! Upon reading your response I’ve decided that the big issues here are trust and communication. Bottom line..I don’t trust him. He has never given me a reason too. His actions speak way louder than words. And you’re right…our communication is awful….what’s sad is that I thought it was great! I thought we were always open and honest with each other but when it comes to the hard core issues he just flips it around. Even last night I was trying to talk with him about what happened and he gets up and walks into the bedroom. He actually laughed at me and said “But where am i going?”- meaning he is always home with me and our girls. I guess deep down I know what I have to do. I just hate the fact that it’s the holidays and the perfect little family life we do have (aside from this situation) will be gone. I know our children will be devistated but he makes no effort to make things right. I can’t live with worry everyday that he’s talking or doing something with someone. Thank you so much for your help. You really are a wonderful group of guys!

  8. @SadRN…….Thank you. We’ll be thinking of you. Please feel free to come back anytime to bounce something off us, or just to visit. And definitely keep us posted. One thought: Have you talked at all about couple’s counseling? Or seeing a professional together?

  9. Thanks so much. No …Everytime I try to bring up what he did he says the same thing…that he’s sorry, he didn’t mean to hurt me, and that he would never go through with anything. He just wants me to believe him and move on I guess. He doesn’t want to talk about it. I think instead of just ending it what I am going to do is explain to him again how hurt I am and tell him that I need him to change this behavior if he wants to stay with me. I need to be able to trust him. I can’t wonder all day long what he’s doing at work. It’s unhealthy and emotionally & mentally taxing. I must give him a chance to seriously change though…at least for our girls. Anytime this has happened in the past I forgave and forget…didnt really give him an ultimatum. Do you think I ought to try? BTW I shared your website with every FEMALE I know!!

  10. @SadRN……..We hate to see couples break up especially when there are children involved. We think you should do everything in your power to try and work things out. Of course that doesn’t mean accept anything just to make it work. He needs to know how badly he’s hurt you; he needs to know you can’t live this way. (He couldn’t be happy living this way either.) He needs to know that he needs to change his behavior. And you have to set a plan in place where both of you are getting your needs met. All of this is important if you’re going to try again and rebuild. But yes, overall, we think he deserves a shot at proving to you he’s the man you fell in love with. We’re hoping he’s going to try as well. Because that’s a very important piece to consider, and essential to putting the pieces back together. He should be putting in the same time and effort to rebuilding as you. He’s got to show you he wants you and the relationship, otherwise what are you really saving? Take care and all the best. ps. And thanks for spreading the word about us. We appreciate it.

  11. I’ve got a crazy story for you. I’d love your advice. My husband asked me for a divorce five months ago. I didn’t discover until a week later that he was “in love” with another, younger, woman. Prior to this we had been through a very rough year (between the two of us), which included having our second child (four months old at the time of the announcement). My husband has ADHD and this has been a huge challenge in our marriage. He is great when he is stimulated, but terrible when he is distracted. He is inconsistent and irritable a lot. Spends too much money. Won’t plan and budget. Hates routine. These issues got worse after we had kids as I didn’t have the same kind of time to take care of him and we had less “leisure” time. Money got tighter too. We have always fought. Until we had kids, it seemed like our relationship was constantly improving (we saw growth). After kids, it went progressively into the toilet. We love our kids, though. Anyway, so my husband moved in with this woman right away. They talked about marriage right away. But almost as quickly it became apparent that the woman is a pathological liar (huge and tiny whoppers, all the time). My husband periodically returns home to confide in me about this, as well as, to sometimes say that he thought he made a mistake. Over the five months, it has only gotten worse. We now know that this is a long standing pattern for this woman and I think my husband is realizing that she is not going to change. He is realizing that he thought she would bring him happiness and, clearly, she is not going to and further, maybe he is realizing that other people can’t bring him happiness. He has to do that himself (can’t say for sure). I have gotten to a place where I feel a lot better. Not 100%. I miss him all the time. But I don’t miss all the stress of the unpredictability and financial instability. I don’t miss the irritability and walking on egg shells. I don’t miss being angry. But I really miss him. And he has shown himself to continue to be a great father (he visits five days a week) and the money is consistent. His check still comes to my account and I take our share and give him the rest. We’ve had our ups and downs in both areas. Because of his bad money management, he has been angry that he doesn’t get his whole paycheck. I have been resentful that the childrearing responsibility has mainly fallen on my shoulders while he has been out wining and dining his new soul mate. By the way, this whirlwind romance thing is his “thing.” He did it to me and he’d done it several times before me. We’ve been together seven years. That’s the longest relationship either of us had ever had. Anyway, what I am trying to figure out is if I should push for a reconciliation that includes counseling or whether I should move on and enjoy the fact that I am getting the best of both worlds. A good father and provider for the kids and the chance to meet a man who might be more interested in a grown up’s world (my husband wishes that he could live the musician’s life forever). I just can’t seem to let him go. No matter what he has done, I find that I still love him.

  12. @Ravenmoon……So what do you actually want? Do you really want him back, or not? We can’t answer that for you. We like that he’s a good father, although we don’t love that he tried to find happiness outside the confines of your marriage. How do you feel about that? Can you forgive him? Much of how this plays out comes down to you? How do you feel about it all? Do you think you could start again? Is that what he’s saying? That he wants to try again?

  13. ravenmoon // January 25, 2013 at 8:51 pm //

    No, I don’t think he wants to come back. I think he is being pulled between two women, neither of whom is very happy with him. Yet, he has such appeal but only in moments! Few and far between. He is a great father but aside from that he is not a good partner. I fervently wish I could get that deep down. That’s what I want. I want to really get that he is not the right guy for me. If I don’t get that, I fear I will spend the rest of eternity trying to convince him that I’m worth changing for — trying to kiss the frog and turn him into a prince.

  14. @Ravenmoon……..Whenever you have to CONVINCE someone that’s an issue. Good luck.

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