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My man is still online dating

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Dear Guys,

K, my boyfriend of two years was on dating sites the entire relationship. I caught him a few times and he said he canceled them and they were old accounts. So, I reactivated his accounts and the registration dates showed he only canceled after I dumped him. This was only in January when I dumped him. We reunited in February and he has not reactivated them since, but seriously, he was on there the whole frickin time! And he made it out that I was all insecure. We even went to a counselor!!! Also, the ideal match he was looking for was young enough to be his child and was completely different than me.

So, why is he with me if his dream girl is so different?

I am confused, and tired of being the one who is insecure and soooo hurt.

Thanks,

Desire

Dear Desire,

Thanks for your question.

We can totally see why you’d be upset by this. Not only was he sneaking behind your back, he also lied about it, and then tried to make it look like you were insecure. This is a trifecta of bad behavior.

Just because his dream girl is different than you doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not into you. Guys often desire women who are different than the woman they are with, just for variety’s sake. It sounds cold, but it’s true. However, not every guy is going to act on his impulses like your man did. It’s okay for men to have fantasies—women have them too—but only as long as the fantasies don’t start to creep into real relationships—unless the fantasy involves both partners, and is mutually agreed upon.

Your man should not have been trolling for dates while the two of you were intimately involved, physically and emotionally. This kind of behavior is not okay.

Desire, you need to take a hard look at this relationship. Are you getting what you need? Or is it just causing you to feel more and more insecure? Your guy should be making you feel great about yourself. He should be loving, supportive, respectful, and kind. From what you say, he’s been none of those things. So why did you get back together with him? What makes him so attractive? Because you’ve got a lot of things missing here.

You deserve to have someone who treats you with respect, and someone you trust. Obviously if you’re reactivating his online dating account, you don’t trust him at all. And as you know, a relationship can’t thrive and grow without trust. So you need to figure out if this man can earn your trust again. Be true to yourself, and be honest with yourself. Only you can make that call.

Best of luck,

THE GUYS

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