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My “so called” male bestie

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Dear Guys,

One year ago I met an amazing guy. We slept together on the first night we met. Oops! However, after the one-night stand we both had NO intentions of seeing each other again. However, we exchanged numbers. The rest is history; we talked every day 2 or 3 times a day with numerous text messages. We slept together approximately six more times after the initial encounter. However, three months into our “friends with benefits” he started to become distant and decided we should just be friends with NO sex. I didn’t agree with the NO sex part.

Side note: Six months after we decided to just be friends with NO sex, I had a conversation with him and explained that I could no longer continue our friendship. I was emotionally connected to him and we could no longer be friends to protect my emotional safety. I asked him to not call me anymore or text. He agreed. During this “friendship break up” he says, “I do care about you. And because I care we can’t have sex anymore.” He says he doesn’t have a connection with the other women he sleeps with. He also states that he is very attracted to me, but he never let his feelings grow for me; he always assumed we were friends. * Confusing*

However, the next day after this conversation, he starts calling me, texting, and he says, “I miss your voice, it’s too hard.” I gave in and we are back to talking everyday. Now we have a friendly date once a month. I’m so confused and need your help. What does he want from me??? He dates other people and he is fully aware that I’m dating other people.

However, why be his friend???? If we only see each other occasionally and I’m not getting any sex from him I’m not sure the point. All we do is talk on the phone and text each other. Please help. At this point I can cut him off with no problem. I’m tired of being his friend with no benefits.

Does he just want to be my friend?  If so, why does he call me and text me so often?  I have several male friends and I don’t talk to them every day. Is he using me?

Tiffany

Dear Tiffany,

Thanks for your question.

No, he’s not using you. It sounds like he really values your friendship and wants you to be a part of his life. But we don’t think he wants anything more than that. (Meaning a romantic relationship with you.)

We actually get the sense that this guy is trying to do the right thing. Frankly, he’s being more honest with you than most guys would be. He’s telling you upfront that he cares about you enough to even stop having sex with you. Most guys would just continue having sex until the woman put an end to it.

So this all falls back on you. What do you want Tiffany? Are you able to be this guy’s friend without feeling upset that you don’t have something more with him? Do you want to listen while he talks about the other women he’s dating and sleeping with? Are you truly able to enjoy his friendship? Our sense is you really like this guy and if he wanted a committed relationship you’d stop dating these other guys you’re dating and be with him exclusively. If this is the case, you need to think long and hard about whether or not this friendship is the best thing for you.

Some of us over here at The Guy’s Perspective just watched “Friends with Benefits” with Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake. (Yes, we have to keep abreast of the “latest” date movies.) Anyway, these types of arrangements just don’t typically work. Someone always gets attached and then ultimately hurt. It’s not always the woman, but it’s always someone.

Decide what you want Tiffany and go from there. If you want this man as your friend by all means keep the friendship. Having a guy friend can be a very enriching and enlightening experience. But if you’re secretly pining for more, you’re headed for more frustration and heartache. We just don’t see the situation changing. Guys don’t work that way.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

 

2 Comments on My “so called” male bestie

  1. Hey guys,
    In middle school I dated an acquaintance of mine. (it was a short lived, immature relationship) and after we broke up we actually stayed in touch and became friends. During high school I had realized that my middle school crush never surpassed, but I knew he had a girlfriend at the time & didn’t want to jeopardize anything between us or make him feel uncomfortable. Once in a while he’d bring up our past and reminisce on the times we had, even remember little conversations and secrets we shared, but i’d always shrug it off. Anyways, one day he called me wasted (and I mean WASTED) and he revealed to me that he had “deeper feelings for me” and how he’s only felt that way once before with someone he was in a long-term relationship with. The next day he didn’t remember the conversation and when I repeated what he said he replied that “it was the truth” that he’s always wanted me emotionally, physically and mentally and he had just been hiding it. I still kept my mouth shut about my feelings for him, even when he asked if I felt the same. I have trust issues with men (for too many issues to write down) and didn’t feel like I could truly reveal how I felt yet even though him telling me that made me the happiest I’ve felt in years. Recently I had been told that not only does he have a g i r l f r i e n d, but they’ve been dating for MONTHS (asshole right?) Anyways, I haven’t spoken to him in weeks and want to confront him but don’t know if I should since technically he’s not my boyfriend. But I just have so much anger towards him I don’t know what to do. I dream of him consistently and really need your input. Was he using me this whole time? And if so I just don’t understand why me of all women, there are plenty of other girls he could’ve played but chose to do it to one of, if not his closest female friend?

  2. @Linda…..Slow down. How did he play you? By telling you how he felt about you? That’s not playing you. We believe him. Just because he’s dating someone else doesn’t mean he’s lying to you about how he feels. It just means he’s dating the wrong girl, and it’s up to him to figure that out. It’s not like he doesn’t care for this other person. Maybe not the same as you, but he has to sort this out. Then if he decides he wants to be with you he’s going to have to break up with her. But he doesn’t want to do that if he doesn’t know where your head’s at and how you feel. (That’s the lamest part of this. If he really feels how he feels about you, we feel sorry for the girl he’s dating now.) So be patient Linda. He’s new at all this. (High school is like this.)

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