Older woman is confused

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Dear Guys,

Ok where do I start – first of all I’m older than this guy by a number of years. I am separated now for approximately 10 months. I have known this guy in passing for almost two years now.  Every time we bump into each other he has says he wants to pop in and visit me.  One day I was at the beach and he said he would walk me home to see exactly where I live. I said okay— he is obviously cute. (LOL)  Well since then he has been popping into my place for visits. He plays on my computer. I make the occasional dinner for the two of us. He knows that I have really been hurt by my ex-husband. I keep saying that I don’t want to have a relationship right now, but deep down in my heart I know I do like him. I think I am scared to say so.

But he keeps telling me about this woman and that woman that he would go out with.  He always asks me if I would consider going back to my ex at all. He says to me  that I should be in a relationship, but he doesn’t say with him though. Once he said that maybe he should introduce me to his brother, who is older than him.  I told him most men are not husband material these days. He piped up and said that he is.

Last week he popped in Sunday to Thursday, missing an appointment he was supposed to go to. He said it’s nice to have a friend to talk to.  Actually I like being alone.

The reason I am asking if he is using me is because  the other day he asked if I could wash a pair of his jeans for him. I did. And he hasn’t collected them yet either.  I saw him last on the Thursday night – I was out on the Friday and missed him on the Saturday – he loves my cooking and says he would love to be my flat mate. I think that is not right. I don’t want to be some mother figure for him and just fulfill an easy lifestyle for him either.

He is always saying that I spoil him. We almost had sex but I said no. I wasn’t ready for it yet. But to be blunt, I did do things with him but wouldn’t let him touch me.

I am not sure what to think or say to him as he is much younger. He has told me that I am okay for a woman of my age. I think maybe we are giving each other mixed signals. I need to know if he really likes me and if I should take this further or is he just using me for my kindness. Could it be that I need to admit that I like him? I am totally confused as I know I am scared of being hurt again. I can’t give him children or anything like that. I have heard him speak of wanting to have children before.

How do I let him know I like him? What should I do?  Is he playing me, and using me for food, my computer, and a bit of good company now and then? Are my mixed signals stopping him from pursuing me?

I’m a really confused older woman.


Dear Venetta,

Thanks for writing to us.

We wish we had a little more background on this guy. What does he do for work? Does he have other friends? Why is he all of a sudden hanging out with you? How did you meet him?

Our gut tells us this might not be the greatest situation for you. This guy obviously enjoys hanging out with you, but the question is why? He seems to be getting a lot from you: computer time, great meals, loving company, and even a few added “benefits.”  But what are you getting? Do you enjoy his company, or would you prefer to be alone? We think you need to take a hard look at what he brings to the table for you, besides being cute.

Before you tell him how you feel, why not start by asking him directly what he wants. Does he want just a friend—a “mother” to take care of him—or does he want a relationship with you?

Because of your age difference, and because you know little about this guy, we’d tread carefully here Venetta. You might be better off giving yourself a little more time to heal from your divorce, and get yourself a bit more grounded before you start dating again. We also think based on a few of his comments—”you’re okay for your age”—that even if you start a relationship with this guy, he won’t be in it for the long haul.

We hope this helps. Please leave us a follow up comment, or question.


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