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On and off again

Dear Guys,

I’ve been dating a man on & off for 2 years.  It started out fast with him asking me to marry him & giving me a ring.  Since we have gotten back together there is no talk at all about a future together.  I never know when or if I’m going to see him.  He tells me I should find someone else because he has been having some health problems.  We were supposed to see each other tonight but again he said he isn’t feeling well and told me to make other plans.
He says I’m not as affectionate as I used to be.  It’s hard when I feel like all he does is push me away.  If he did really loved me, wouldn’t he want to spend time with me & not be telling me all the time to find someone else?

Lisa

Dear Lisa,

Thanks for writing.

What you don’t say is why you broke up in the first place? How did you go from being engaged to breaking up? Also, we’d like to know if his health problems are for real or just an excuse to keep some distance between the two of you.

If he truly has health problems, he may feel insecure about being chronically sick. So instead of opening up to you he pushes you away, for fear that you won’t want to deal with his health issues. However, if his health problems are an excuse to keep you away, then you’re better off without him. You need to find all of this out. Please talk with him.

It IS difficult to show someone you love them when all they do is push you away; but in this instance that’s exactly what you need to do.  He sounds very insecure about whether or not you really do want to be with him. Do you? He certainly isn’t giving you a whole lot to work with honestly, but it sounds like you’re going to have to be the bigger person here and reach out to him if you want this to move forward.

As far as him telling you to find someone else, that could be his insecurity talking again, or he might really mean it. But you’re right, if he really wanted to be with you it seems like he should just say it. We wonder.

Lisa, what do you think about all this? You definitely need to put all of this on the table and talk to him about this. The best way to get to the bottom of this is to ask him directly how he truly feels about you.

Either way, his insecurity-if that’s what it is-is a red flag to us. He might truly be sick-and we’re sorry if he is-but the way he’s dealing with it seems immature. Most people would want the person they love to support them in their struggles. They wouldn’t push them away. So that’s a bit unsettling for us.

We hope we didn’t make things more confusing for you Lisa. Be well and good luck sorting this out.

THE GUYS

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5 Comments on On and off again

  1. Great advice here, Guys. We need to spot these red flags and not waste our precious emotions on dead-end relationships. I once heard a quote regarding this that said, “There is always another train.” My advice: get off this track and wait for the right train.

  2. Great advice-major red flags from this one. When a guy loves you, you know it. If a guy is in love with you the last thing he wants is for you to be with someone else. I’d take your boyfriend’s advice and just move on.

  3. I can only say as someone who does suffer from REAL chronic health issues I have a tendency to push people away from me too. I dont want other to feel sorry for me, or be stuck sitting at home with me when I am miserable and in pain.

  4. Hi guys,

    I am having a strange ….kind of relationship with one of my colleagues. I don’t really get it if he even likes me. We’ve been colleagues for almost a year and a half now and it all started last summer. We had some endless and fun conversations on FB while he was on vacation. He also had a girlfriend during that time so I thought we were just friends…having some smart, sometimes flirting conversation.Anyway, after breaking up with his girlfriend who was accusing him of cheating on her with…almost everybody, things got weird between us. We continued as friends,but always flirting and joking.In the end he got a new girlfriend.I got jealous and started to ignore him. He hated me for my cold and cranky behaviour.Than his girlfriend dumped him.I asked him out to solve the situation because I felt guilty as a friend. We were friends again, ’cause I said that is all we can be. Than he got a new girlfriend and asked me to spend the New Year’s Eve with them. Ofcourse I accepted,it was epic!! Now the girlfriend is OUT again, dumped him. They always accuse him of being to cold and with no interest in keeping the relationship..We are friends or something again. We go out and dance and have fun only if I ask him out. He never says no, but he never asks me out. We don’t even talk that much unfortunately. And….he is cold and with interest in me, not even as a friend. He is still playing around, always talking to me about sex and about the fact that we are friends. I am kind of lost here in mixed reactions and lack of actions. He seems that every girl he wants he is doing something to get them. Only with me seems complicated. I don’t even know what does he wants from me.:(

    Thanks!

    Ana

  5. @Ana……He’s had plenty of opportunities to take your relationship beyond a friendship and he hasn’t done it. So it’s unlikely he’s going to unless he asks for sex from you. And that would not be a good idea for you. Our advice: Move on. The mixed signals are actually a pretty clear message that he doesn’t want you as a girlfriend. We’re sorry.

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