Online Dating: Friends with Benefits or something more?

Read more relationship advice and dating advice about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call: 

Are we “Friends with Benefits” or does he want something more?

The Ex-Files; Friends with Benefits

I “cheated” on my “Friends with Benefits” and now he hates me

Booty call or relationship trouble 

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits? 

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Dear Guys,

I met this guy on an online dating site six months ago. We started dating but it didn’t last very long—about a month or so. We had a lot in common and a very strong physical attraction to one another but were having trouble communicating. (I’m extroverted and feel comfortable talking openly about my feelings and he’s introverted and never wants to talk about how he feels.) So he decided that we should stop seeing each other and that we needed to transition into a platonic friendship. He kept making it clear that he didn’t want to lose me as a friend because he cared about me a lot. I told him I needed space from him before I could start a normal friendship.

After just a week he emailed me saying he missed me and that he hoped I was doing okay. We started working on our friendship after that and decided to try hanging out as friends about a week later. We ended up in bed. We never talked about what happened.

Since then we have basically acted like a couple. We see each other regularly and text every day. I’m the first person he calls when he needs to talk or when something good happens that he’s excited about. He’s been there for me through some really tough times as well. When we go out for drinks or to the movies he always insists on paying. He introduced me to his entire family. When we part ways he always kisses me—on the lips if we’re in private and on the cheek when we’re in public. (We’re both not really into PDA.) When we sleep together it feels intimate. There’s a lot of kissing and cuddling afterwards, and he always asks me to sleep over. We’re basically each other’s best friend at this point and it really feels like we’re in a relationship. I don’t know what to call this though. I’m not sure if he has feelings for me or not. I know I have feelings for him. I want to bring up the possibility of us being “officially” together but I don’t know if it’s a good idea or not. The reasons why we didn’t work the first time no longer apply since we have gotten to know each other so much better since then and we communicate better.

I guess my primary questions are: is this typical FWB behavior, or does me like me? Do you think it’s safe to bring up being officially together?

Thanks!!

Jenny

Dear Jenny,

Thanks for your question.

No this isn’t typical “friends with benefits” behavior, at least not from our experience. But each arrangement is different depending on how the two people set it up. Some people hang out a lot as friends and only have sex occasionally, maybe after a party where they’ve had a little too much to drink, or something similar to that. Some people might have a regularly scheduled night where they watch a favorite TV show together, get take out food and then do their thang. The variations are endless.

But your situation illustrates the inherent problem with a “friends with benefits” arrangement. Blurring the lines between friendship and intimacy often creates confusion—and we’d say more so for women. Men seem to be able to compartmentalize the physical and emotional more easily. For men these two realms are separate, and one does not necessarily impact the other. But for many women they are often deeply connected. It seems this is true for you.

So the question is, whether or not this is true for him.

From our vantage point it seems like he’s into you. He’s certainly acting like you are his girlfriend by paying for your evenings out, introducing you to his family, and engaging in more intimate gestures—cuddling, kissing—not always associated with FWB. But the only way to know for sure is to talk to him about it. So yes, it’s safe to bring up the topic, but that’s no guarantee you’ll get the answer you’re hoping for. But at least you’ll get some answer. We think it’s always better to know, rather than to wonder.

We know you’re worried that it might be too soon and that you’ll possibly scare him off. But here’s the thing Jenny. Guys usually know right away whether they want to be with a woman. Sure, your situation is slightly different since you were having communication issues early on, but guys certainly know right away if they’re physically attracted to a woman, which without, there is no relationship for a guy. So what that means is, more time together isn’t going to make him more into you than he already is. Trust us, he already knows how he feels, even if he “hems and haws” when you talk. And our rule of thumb is simple when it comes to having “the talk.” If you’re having intimate physical relations it’s not too early to talk about, and define, the relationship.

So we say go for it. And we very much hope it works out for you. (For both of you) But if he says he wants to keep it the way it is—a “friends with benefits” arrangement—at least you’ll have all the information you need to decide how you want to proceed.

We hope this helps. Please keep us posted. (Leave us a comment and we’ll respond back in the comments section.)

Please let your friends know about us. Give us some love on Twitter. @TGPBuzz 

And good luck,

THE GUYS

 

 

 

 

32 Comments on Online Dating: Friends with Benefits or something more?

  1. I started talking to this guy over a year ago. We met online and talked through text daily for about 2 weeks before going on a date. He started out saying that he IS looking for a long term relationship, is a one woman man, doesn’t do the casual thing, blah blah blah. We slept together early on, and it was very hot!
    I was a bit turned off at first because all he would do is text me, but I eventually just got into the habit as well. It started very slow, talking through text a couple times per week, and seeing each other about once every 1-2 months. This happened for about 3-4 months. He lives about an hour away, and I work a lot and like my alone time, so I was fine with that at first. When we met up, he only came to my house, and we would either go to a local bar, or just stay at my house, always having sex. I was ok with that at first too. I am a bit of a homebody, and I have a very high sex drive. He just got out of the navy and was starting college again. So I thought maybe he would step it up once things settled a little because he was still texting me almost daily and showing interest in me.

    Then at about 6 months, I thought he was just using me because he did not step it up, such as simply making plans. I wasn’t looking for him to take me to family parties or anything. Our get togethers were always last minute, and it just wasn’t sitting right with me. I have never had a casual relationship like that. I told him this, and he said he would change and didn’t want to stop talking to me, claiming he is not using me, not seeing anyone else, and doesn’t understand where this was coming from. He may have stepped it up a bit, texting more frequently and came over a couple times, but it eventually faded

    Which brings us to about 9 months in, around Christmas. At this point I just wanted him to be honest with me because I felt like there was a reason he wasn’t stepping it up, whether it be him dating others, just wanting a booty call, ect. I also enjoyed the sex SO much with him, that I told him to just tell me if it is just sex because I may be ok with that. We went back and forth with texts, him showing no empathy and always denying my assumptions. No matter how mean I was to him, he would keep saying that he didn’t want to stop talking to me and that I should relax because everything was fine and he wasn’t using me. I didn’t want to hear it.

    He didn’t really contact me for about 2-3 months, but he may have slipped in a couple texts here and there. I would usually ignore them, or respond very briefly with something not so nice. I was also seeing someone else, and wasn’t really interested in him anymore anyway. Then I stopped seeing the other guy because it didn’t work out, and he started texting me again asking what he did wrong. I was very blunt with him again, asking him what he was looking for, again just asking him to be honest. I would ask him if he just wants sex, and to be honest, but he kept denying it. Needless to say, he hardly stepped it up, still only texting and seeing each other only once every 1-2 months. During this time, I was very bitter toward him because I felt like I gave him so many chances to be honest and he wasn’t. We were constantly arguing, and I couldn’t even understand why he was still responding and acting so patient with my rants and raids. SO, I went to therapy, and I now know this is not healthy, but I am having a hard time completely understanding why/what he is doing, and it is making it hard for me to completely move on.

    I told him I was done, and he just will not let it go. We go around in circles. I ended up changing my phone number because I did not want to see his text messages anymore on my phone, and I didn’t want to be tempted either. About a week later he ended up emailing me, and we have been back and forth with that now for about 2 weeks. He says that he wants to keep seeing me and see where it goes. I kept telling him no, and he just kept asking why and for my number again, acting so hurt that I changed my number on him. I threw some very mean words at him, to express how I felt so led on, even saying that I hate him. He said that I am over reacting and that we are good.

    I finally said that IF we do hook up again (the sex is REALLY good), just know that I am looking to date other men who will want to progress. I think I said it more just to get him to shut up, but now he is acting all hurt.

    I am hoping I will be strong and not respond to his emails because I really don’t want to do that, but I just don’t understand what he is doing. I guess I just need some clarity before I can completely move on. I always need to know the WHY for some reason.

    Does he just want sex, or is he afraid of commitment? We have only had sex about 6 times in over a year, so I feel like why would he keep putting up with all my questions/nagging if it was just for sex? I mean, I said some mean things to him. Or is he just scared and knows he is doing me wrong, which is why he puts up with me being mean?

  2. @Jean…….We’re curious. How old is this guy? And you? It does seem a bit odd that he only wanted to see you every month or so, especially since he insisted he was interested in you for more than jus sex. Is it possible he was super busy and that was about all he could handle? Or is it possible that his sex drive isn’t as strong as yours, and so once every month or so is just fine with him? (Especially if the sex is good.) We don’t think he’d put up with your behavior if he wasn’t interested in you? He wouldn’t do it out of guilt because you being mean to him would be a perfect excuse to cut all ties. So our question to you is: Why were you feeling so insecure? And why do you not believe him even after he repeatedly says that nothing is going on? Maybe this relationship wasn’t headed to the place you hoped it might, but that doesn’t mean he necessarily did things the wrong way, it could just mean the two of you operate differently, and that maybe—besides the sex—the two of you don’t fit together as well as you thought?? What do you think?

  3. Thanks for the response. He is 26 and I am 32. I was very insecure because he never called me, only text, and also never made plans. I thought that was not really right. If you like someone, you call them once in a while and make plans here and there. I was not looking for him to call me everyday or every other day, but once in a while would have shown some interest, especially after a year of texting. So I just thought he wasn’t that into me. But you are correct, we just operate differently. Incidentally, I did say that exact thing to him one of the times I tried to cut ties, with him saying he would change, and me believing him. As of today, we had some negative texts again back and forth, and I think he may be done with my insecurities.

  4. @Jean…..Well, we can see how that would make you feel a bit insecure. Relationships require work, but when it’s an uphill battle from the beginning, then we wonder. That’s what it feels like here. But please keep us posted as this progresses. And good luck. Hang in there.

  5. This is a very messy situation. My FWB is my childs fathers best friend, I met my childs father through him as we used to mess around way back when. He let my ex start talking to me because he thought I was very pretty and then my FWB got with a girl who has red hair just like I do and is equally pretty. Now FWB is engaged to this girl (but always cheated on her frequently) and my ex doesnt know I am sleeping with his friend as this would be a disaster.

    Me and my friend used to meet every now and then but recently it has turned into an every night thing. Even his fiance found texts and we covered it up well, he still came over that night. We used to use condoms but he kept pushing for us not to (we have been FWB for over 7 years and he started insisting on this about a month ago after asking if I was sleeping with anyone else). Anyway, he saw me texting another guy as I am not going to hide it since we are only FWB, and he said I thought we were in agreeance that you werent going to be sleeping with anyone else. Then he said things like “This is just mine right?” “You need to get me a key to your place”

    Im not looking for more than FWB and he is engaged which makes it even worse but why is it fair for him to sleep with others when I am not allowed and he wants it all to him self? Or is it possible hes catching feelings?

  6. @Arianna…..Can you clarify something? Are you still with your child’s father, or are you single? As per your question. Of course it’s not fair. First of all, are you sure you want to keep sleeping with this guy? You do realize this is all going to blow up don’t you? We’re just saying. It has to. It’s too incestuous not to. And someone is going to find out and then it’s all going to come out. Are you prepared for that? We don’t think this guy is starting to want more with you, he’s just being territorial. Guys do that. If they’re sleeping with someone they don’t want anyone else sleeping with them. Of course they still feel like they should be able to do whatever they want. It’s a total double standard. But all of these issues are signs that this situation has run its course Arianna. We’d suggest moving on and trying to find someone who you can either have a relationship with, or someone you can have casual fun with. This situation is kind of both, which is why we don’t recommend FWB for either gender. Check out our video on the topic if you’d like. (See video page) What do you think? Does this make any sense?

  7. Thank you for your quick response. Me and my childs father are no longer together and havent been for about 3 years. I like sleeping with him because I feel comfortable with him and he knows what I like and dont like and all those other reasons.
    Are you saying that this has become more than FWB but its technically not because he is becoming territorial? And what do you mean by this situation is kind of both?

  8. When i said “him” i meant the ex’s best friend/FWB

  9. @Arianna……Thanks for clarifying. What we’re saying is that FWB always turns messy. Yours’ is no different than many others we hear about. FWB always feels a little bit like a relationship, and a little bit like casual fun. And then someone or other starts getting feelings, and things get confusing quickly. We don’t think he wants more with you than casual sex. But do you? You say you’re not looking for more, but are you sure? It just kind of seems that way. (We could be wrong of course) As for him, like we said, he’s getting territorial and wants to have his cake and eat it too. And the fact that he’s cheating on his fiance just makes this even less palatable. We just hope this doesn’t get even messier where more people find out and the whole thing blows up. Do you plan on continuing this?

  10. Hello, guys. I haven’t gotten myself into too much of a pickle yet, but I’m trying to be proactive. I’ve recently been dumped by someone I’d been in a long term relationship with. I signed up on a dating site just to see who the other fish in the sea were, and after two days I realized I was an idiot for doing it because it seemed like it could get complicated and it was way too soon for me to deal with anything like that. I had talked to two guys that seemed interesting and told them I was recently heartbroken, was an idiot for signing up, that I wasn’t ready for any type of relationship, and that I was deleting my profile. They both said they understood but wanted to continue talking to me, so I figured that’d be ok and gave them my contact info. One of them asked me out for a drink and, trying to push him far, far away, I said I don’t drink because I’m bipolar and it messes with my meds. He said, “Coffee, then?” I thought for sure that’d send him running, but he continued to be very persistent and told me he rarely found anyone interesting on the site and that he wanted to meet. I kept saying things that would typically send a guy running faster than a thoroughbred, but it didn’t work. After a week or so I finally gave in and agreed to meet. We very quickly realized we were complete opposites and had very, very little in common and agreed to just hang out for companionship. We ended up drinking and doing the sex. I left before he woke up and figured I’d never talk to him again. Not the case. He kept texting and asked to meet up again. I tried to blow him off a few times but finally gave in again (I’m lonely and hurt and my friends suggested I find a distraction, plus the sex was very good). We hung out again and it seemed very natural and it was nice. We both agreed we’d probably never work in a relationship together, but we enjoyed each other’s company. So, we’ve been hanging out and 2/3 times we’ve had sex. I met him for the first time just less than a week ago. He says he’s sweet and he doesn’t like playing games, he’s always been the type to remain unguarded, and that he has a habit of rushing into relationships. I don’t get the impression he was telling me as if he thought it might pertain to me and him – I think he was just describing himself. He’s a sensitive guy and seems like a very genuine person. The strange thing about him is that I enjoy having sex with him and don’t see him as just a sex object (so rare – I was always able to detach with people before my ex). I didn’t consider this a problem for our arrangement, I just considered it personal growth. He said he was glad and that he doesn’t like to f**k, he likes to make love. I don’t know if it’s him, or if it’s just that my ex changed my view of sex, or if it’s because I’m so freshly wounded and vulnerable. He said he didn’t care when I told him I went to meet the other guy I’d been talking to, and that I should maybe try other dating sites, too. So, my question is…wth is going on? He texts me several times every day, even when I purposely go without texting him back for a while he’ll send more texts, he is so persistent even though I brush him off a lot, thinks I’m fun, beautiful, interesting, and cute, wants to get together a lot (he’s already asked me to come out with him again this weekend), wants me to get caught up on this show so that if we’re still friends in a few months we can catch the season premier together, told me he’d miss our talks if we quit communicating, is so eager to share his music and interests with me, enjoys having pretty personal conversations with me, seemed upset that I don’t text him back right away, gives me back rubs, wants to make plans to see an upcoming movie together…but he’s also brought up the point, again, that we’re so opposite, he doesn’t see us ever working out in a relationship, that something pretty perfect would have to happen in order for him to get into a relationship again, and that I need to make him aware if I start developing any intense feelings for him. I know, as a rule, guys say what they mean. So, am I reading way too far into this and making nothings into somethings? Do I go with what he says or do I go with his actions (or are his actions nothings?)? I’m asking because, as I’m sure you’ve already figured out, I think I’m starting to like him. Is he only in it for the sex? Should I stop seeing him? I’m so confused as to what’s happening here.

  11. @Ann…….We can understand your confusion. You need to listen to his words. His actions are based on his needs. He wants to have fun, have sex, and have someone to do something with. That sounds worse than it is. He obviously enjoys being with you and finds you interesting, but if he keeps reminding you over and over that you’re not compatible and he doesn’t see a future together then he’s serious. Basically, he’ll go on doing what you’re doing for as long as you’re willing, but we doubt that this will develop into anything more. If you’re starting to develop feelings for him, you may be headed for for heartbreak. But have you talked to him about how you’re feeling? What do your friends say? ps. Speaking of friends. We hope you’ll share our site with all of them. Thanks. Facebook. Twitter. @TGPBuzz. We appreciate it. Let us know your thoughts.

  12. Okay, I appreciate it. This is why I wanted to get this cleared up before I got any farther into irrational thinking. I have talked to one friend, but she was just as confused as I was. I haven’t told him that I’m worried I’ll start developing feelings, and I don’t think I will, unless the feelings become more intense. Then I’ll probably just stop hanging out with him. I’ll just have to keep reminding myself why we’re incompatible and that a relationship would very likely be disastrous! I do enjoy having fun, having sex, and having someone to do things with. Thank you and I will spread the word!

  13. So I met this guy online a couple a months ago and our “relationship” escalated pretty fast in terms of “online-sharing” (nothing crazy). Sounds bad I know but it was new so it was a thrill. We would talk constantly and Skype almost every night till 3 am, but along with the heavy flirting and such we actually would have pretty deep intellectual conversations about anything and everything.
    The subject of relationships came up because he asked me pretty early on what I was expecting from this and I said I didn’t know. I honestly went in with 0 expectations of anything. He said he didn’t want a relationship and didn’t want to lead me on because he liked me but then would say certain things like you are beautiful, I would date you but I don’t want to because I know I’m going to hurt you, I really like you, I love talking to you and I can’t get you out of my head but a relationship isn’t a good idea at this point in time. He also told my why he was that way.
    We also talked about being FWB but I said no because I was scared of getting hurt and he said he was perfectly fine with just being friends. Our relationship has evolved to platonic but every once in a while a he’ll make small comment or “jokingly” ask for “pictures” which he knows and I have made very clear he will not get, we don’t talk as much and I initiate most contact. Also, sometimes when we talk he brings up my friends and keeps asking to know if they are hot and are potentials to get with and that he would be ok if I decided to hook up with his friends.

    So all that to say, I’m pretty confused. I mean he kinda messed with my head (but not really) and there were many mixed signals but he was always honest about the no relationship. From a guys perspective, can I believe him when he says he’s good with being friends with no “benefits” and actually be/stay friends? and does he actually want to maybe sleep with my friends or is this just a way to get rid of me completely even as friends?

  14. @Mel…….You can believe him when he says he doesn’t want a relationship. That’s pretty clear. But on the flip side, he also wants to sleep with you and anyone else he can. (Your friends. Strangers. Whoever.) But no, he’s not sending you some sort of subliminal message. He enjoys talking with you and being your friend, but he’s clearly looking for sexual partners as well; so he’d prefer to add a sexual component to your friendship. However, we do not recommend this because it’s not going to lead to anything but confusion, or worse. So what’s your plan? Did this help? ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter: @TGPBuz. And share on Facebook. Please help a fellow reader and take a moment to VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks.

  15. No no I definitely understand that he doesn’t want a relationship, it’s come up several times but he also made it abundantly clear he wants to hook up. I told him that that wasn’t going to happen because I knew I would end up hurt and said he understood and was cool being just friends. I’ve done the friends with benefits thing and it’s never happening again because it ends badly. I like talking to him because he makes for good, intellectual conversation. My main concern was that he was saying all this other stuff so I would leave him alone completely seeing as I said no to hooking up. I don’t know yet, I’ll see. Hooking up is a bad idea but I’m good with staying friends so I’m just gonna keep it platonic. Worse come to worst I will just back off completely. And yes your answer did help and I will!

  16. @Mel….Sounds like a good plan. Glad we could help. Happy Holidays and take care. Keep us posted. And thanks!

  17. I am a 42 year old woman who divorced in 2005. I decided not to date while raising my two children. Recently, with my kids approval, I joined a dating site. I met a man (age 52) and we had great chats which eventually became text messages.We spoke on the phone and eventually we met at a driving range.Let’s just say we moved pretty quickly and had sex- amazing sex! He asked to see me the nexy day and we went to a carnival, then had more amazing sex.Since then, we have met two more times (sex only, lol) (Time frame from first chat to now, a month). He refers to me as Baby, and seemed very excited the first time I called him Babe.He always wants me to spend the night with him (which I did the first time,only). I don’t want to stay over because I think I have feelings for him, beyond the incredible sex.Anyway, I want to know if it is possible for a guy to also develope some feelings,beyond the great sex part,for a woman? As to his background, he was engaged to a woman 8 months ago she broke it off saying she loved him but was not in love with him, and he asked me what that meant.He has no kids and never married.I would not mind this being a FWB, he is that good, lol. Also, how would I be able to tell if he wants more than FWB?

  18. @Linda……If he wants more he’ll want you to go out with him a lot, he’ll want to introduce you to his friends and family, and he’ll want to talk about the relationship. If you just continue having sex, and the conversation never comes up, it’s likely he just wants a FWB. That could mean the two of you go out and have fun, but he won’t want to talk about the relationship. We’d proceed with caution here. He did just get dumped by his ex.

  19. Well, it’s been two months now with this amazing guy. He is in communication with me through out the day, we hang out and cuddle, he even does this weird thing where he looks at me when I don’t think I can see him and looks away when I turn my head, LOL. When I look at him he askes me what I am thinking. I don’t want to tell him (cause I think I have fallen for him).He hates when I leave during the night, and even scolded lightly for not waking him to say good bye once. We have future plans to golf together and do some other things that are outside the bedroom,LOL. I have never actually “dated” someone in the traditional sense. I did ask what are we and his responce was I don’t know yet. Part of me thinks we are just FWB and another part thinks his behavior says something more. I would like to have something more with him, but I really do not know how to go about it. Help!

  20. @Linda……..If you want to have something more serious with him, it’s not going to happen if you’re already in a FWB arrangement with him. That needs to change soon. Have you talked to him about how you feel and what you want? Has he talked about wanting to be more serious? If not, then he probably is content with how things are. But if you’re not you need to speak up. What’s the worst that can happen? He freaks out and doesn’t want to see you. Right? Well, if that does happen you’ll know exactly what he really thought of you. And if it doesn’t, well, then you’ll be in a committed relationship instead of being a booty call. You deserve that.

  21. Nicole // May 6, 2013 at 9:30 am //

    Hi. I hope this gets noticed. I’m right on the edge of losing my bf. We met on an online game and I felt something straight away with him. I just had to meet him and be friends with him. Now, before meeting him, I never wanted to be with a guy. I was quite happy to have friends and nothing more but seeing him just standing there, I don’t know why but I had to be friends with him. We went back to where I hang out and he met my other online friends and he instantly hit it off with another guy friend and they became best friends. After a few weeks of getting to know people, I found out that he was going out with one of my girl friends and I was devistated. We talked a lot though and he eventually told me he wasn’t happy because she wasn’t online that much and would barely answer her texts which made my hopes shoot up. I asked him what he would do and he told me that he actually liked me more because I was so nice and I talked to him and listened to him. So he left her but we waited a while to tell anyone that we were going out because we thought that they would think I stole him from my friend when in fact he left her because she wouldn’t talk to him. So we went out and it was great. We were inseperable. Online anyway. We actually lived at the opposite ends of the country so it was too far to get together in real life. Our only way to be happy together was to role play online and over the phone. It was ok because we were still talking and we got through a year of RP’ing and we were happy together. We role played that we lived together of course and always told each other how much we loved one another. Of course we would talk about getting together in real life as well but our holidays were different and in summer we had our own family plans. But then disaster. One day I had come online to a few of my friends telling me that another of my girl friends was going to my boyfriends house to have sex with him. My heart shrank and I asked how they knew and my friend told me that his friend who was friends with this girl was told by the girl because she was excited. This wasn’t just bad for me because the guy who told me was this girls boyfriend so he was angry and up set too. We waited all day and when they both came online late that night we confronted them and found it to be true. I blew up. I couldn’t believe that my special guy had cheated on my in real life! We both ended it with our online partners and we comforted each other in our anger and hatred but my boyfriend pleaded and begged me for a week, constantly texting how sorry he was and I wouldn’t listen. I hated him for doing this to us. We couldn’t be together in real life and he happily took some stranger. The worst part was she was a virgin. I despised him. In my blind hatred I called for them both to die for this betrayal. My friend was all too happy to agree. In my blind anger I called out for any form of revenge. My boyfriend didn’t give up though. He said he loved me and meant everything we did. I eventually calmed down enough to remember and after a lot of tears and shouting I forgave him and took him back. My friend was angry at this though because he wouldn’t take his girl back and reminded of what my boyfriend did. I began to get worried for my boyfriend’s safty because lots of people on the game would call him for everything and my friend especially said that he could get to him and kill him for taking his girl and breaking his friend’s heart. I couldn’t let him get hurt. I did love him. So I did what I thought was best at the time. I told my friend that we had another argument and I broke up with my boyfriend and I also ERP’d with him. I thought that I could keep him busy so that he wouldn’t find out about my boyfriend and I still being together. It worked for a long time. He would ask if I had heard from my boyfriend and I would tell him no. I kept him from finding out about my boyfriend because I feared that if he found out that he would remember his hatred and would attempt to kill my boyfriend in real life. It went on for so long and seemed like it went from role play to FWB online. I didn’t want to do this. I loved my boyfriend so much but I feared for his safty. I did this to keep the other guy happy and to keep him from finding out about us being together. Although, when with my boyfriend, it felt like he was drifting away from me. On the game, he would be too busy doing something on his own and he would barely talk to me and he even moved his characters away without even telling me why. I tried to talk to him and he would just say he doesn’t know what he feels. He didn’t understand his own feelings. I reassured him that I loved him and he could talk to me if he wanted, though he never really would. He would just say he’s ok. Not long ago, someone found out about what me and the other guy were doing. I honestly thank them for finding out. So that night in RP style with my boyfriend I told him what I was doing. He went crazy and left me. I tried to text him and he’s mainly been ignoring me. We talked normally but he would just tell me how much he hated me and how he doesn’t want to think about me anymore. I tried to explain how I was scared for him but he wouldn’t listen. He would blank me for the rest of that day but at night he text again in RP style so I had hope that he might listen but he didn’t text for long. Only texts about 5 times. the next day he wouldn’t answer me at all but once again at night time he text in RP style. So I bet you guys are really gunna struggle with this one. An online relationship that actually lasted 3 years. Well my question is this. Do you think he can forgive me? We would always tell each other we loved each other. We would text each other as soon as our eyes opened in the morning and would text as much as we could through the day and text until we crashed from fatigue. I love him so much. I’ve been serching the internet already trying to find out what to do. I would do anything for him but he just doesn’t want to talk to me. Do you think there’s a chance he can take me back? (Sorry for the wall of text)

  22. @Nicole…..(This is a text?) Wow. Anyway, this is confusing. Question: Have you ever actually met this guy, your boyfriend? (We’ll answer when you respond)

  23. Nicole // May 6, 2013 at 1:19 pm //

    We haven’t had the privilige to meet in real life. Instead we had to settle for using skype to talk face to face. we would use it quite often at first before he started to drift away then we’d use it less and less. Update: he has been talking but he’s still the same. Hating me and not wanting to talk or see me again.

  24. @Nicole……Taking into consideration that you’ve never actually met in person, it’s time to move on. We’re sorry. But in our opinion this is going nowhere. You’re just spending your time worrying about this when you could be going out on actual dates face-to-face instead of this long distance thing you’ve got going. We’re not seeing it.

  25. Nicole // May 7, 2013 at 8:18 am //

    I don’t know how to do that guys. I’m not a very outgoing person. Believe it or not but I’m normally quite a shy person. This was my first boyfriend (almost anyway.) I just don’t know to get through this part.

  26. @Nicole…..You don’t know how to do it because you still have hope. When you realize that this is a dead-end it will become more clear how to do it. Only you will know when that time is. Sometimes it takes hitting bottom in order to move on. Or when you can’t take it anymore. Good luck. You’re stronger than you think.

  27. I just wanted to give an update, I took your advice. I told him how I felt, and guess what, he feels the same way about me. Its been 3 months since we first met face to face, and things couldn’t be better. I am meeting his family this weekend, and he will be meeting my kids the following weekend. Thank you for all your help!!

  28. @Linda…..Awesome! Have fun.

  29. Help! Met a great guy online who is only looking for new friends (new to the country) and we met because I’m open to new friends as well. We both noted that there was a misalignment (I’m looking more for a relationship) but wanted to meet anyway. Had a great first time out because I was relaxed w/o the pressure of it being a ‘date’ and we had a really great time. Talked for hours, both doing the same advanced degree and home lives are the exact same. Both separated but had to continue living with the ex for the kids/financial reasons until everyone is done school. It’s a unique situation that most don’t understand and it was nice to talk to someone who gets it. He sent me a message after and told me that he loved the time we spent together and does like me. There was a few texts in between and 2 days later I asked him to join me at the movies which we did. I wouldn’t have done if I wasn’t going on the assumption that we would be just friends. We had fun but things got physical. No sex, but very close to and very intimate. I stopped things from going any further because I really do like him and although there is no chance a relationship can form at this time for several reasons (our situations, schedules with school and frankly I think he’s just wanting to go out and test the waters). He was very sweet and said he figured he’d lose me now and didn’t want to because i was his first friends here and although awkward the night ended well. He texted me right after and said he really liked me and wanted to get together again soon. After this the texts were just ‘good mornings:)’, good night etc. didn’t hear from him for two days and just assumed it was the slow fade out. Anyway he called me last night quickly before class to say hi, thank me for an article I sent, and said he’d like to get together again soon (but didn’t actually make plans) but he was off to class. My situation is not black and white because i know that right now the only thing we can be is friends but I admittedly am hoping that over time and as things settle it could develop into something more….if not I’m ok with that too. Would like to be friends if nothing else.

    My question is essentially how do I proceed to develop a friendship with someone I really want to be with but know I can’t. He’s a great guy and we would make fast friends. What are the rules (for lack of a better term)?
    1) he called…I answered. Is the ball still in his court as far as initiating contact now? Do I wait for him to initiate the next time we see each other? I should be able to call/text if we’re going to be friends but still feel I should let him take the lead so he feel he’s done the ‘chase’? How much initiating does a guy do before he thinks a girl is just not interested? Want him to know I like him (which he does), but don’t want to be too available either.
    3) can we be friends (w/o benefits because this never works and I think would ruin the possibility of a relationship in the future) after we did really intimate things? Could he still take me seriously because I stopped it?
    4) I’m concerned that because of the other night there may be an expectation/or hope of sex on his part and I’m sure there is. How do I bring up a conversation that says I’m attracted to you, but we can only be friends for now at the appropriate time? Not while he has his tongue down my throat…does a guy REALLY go on an online dating cite to find new friends w/o benefits?? Seems fishy.

    Many thanks for the good work you do!!!

  30. @Marcia……First of all, thanks for your donation. We do appreciate it. You have lots of questions. We’ll try to address them all. We’ll start in reverse order. 4. He’s on the site to test the waters. He didn’t want to come on too strong so that’s why he said he was looking for friends. But anyone knows that “friends” really means, um, “friends.” If you catch our drift. 3. You can be friends w/o benefits but you’re going to have to set the boundaries clearly, especially since you’ve already crossed them once. If you do this though, you might get a better sense of where he’s coming from. If he does the slow fade out as you say, then you’ll know he wasn’t really looking for a friend, but a friend w/benefits. (We agree that this is a bad idea for you. FWB. ) 2, or rather 1. The ball is in his court. Sure, you can contact him, especially if you’re looking to just be friends. We don’t think he’ll get the wrong impression. Why? Because let’s face it Marcia, you’re into this guy and he knows it. No matte how you frame it, he’s going to think you’re into him. As you say. And to us, the real reason you want to remain friends with him is because you’re hoping that something might change down the road. We hate to say it, but this is not the best plan. He’s not there right now. He’s not looking for a serious relationship with you or anyone. It could be years or longer before he’s ready. And when he is, that doesn’t mean, he’ll all of a sudden decide you’re the one. More likely, he’ll go off looking for someone new, someone fresh, and start anew. We know that’s not what you were hoping to hear, but it’s the most likely outcome of all of this. Here’s what we suggest: Why don’t you go out with him a bit more and see how things progress. Go with the flow. And as the two of you get to know one another better, maybe at that point you can have a real conversation with him about what he wants or doesn’t want. We don’t think the friend plan is the best one, for your own emotional stability. It will keep you in a holding pattern. In limbo. You won’t know whether to stay or go, always wondering if next week, next month, he’ll come around. What do you think?

  31. You’re welcome…you guys have certainly earned it!
    I think you’re right…I didn’t want to hear that. But, it’s good advice and pretty much what I expected. What actually bothered me most was the ‘moving on to fresher, newer endeavours’…rather discouraging!! Despite a great connection, a guy would still walk away JUST to have something new?! Seems shallow?Am I reading that right? Or are women (myself included) completely misreading what feels like a strong connection but is in fact just an act to get you into bed? Either way, this likely won’t end well for me so If I hear from him again I’ll take your advice and go out a few times and see what happens (no sex…damn it) but from here on in leave the ball in his court and initiate no contact. Not to play hard to get, but because I see the distance is likely safer for my own health anyway. Yes?
    Also, can you please clarify for me moving forward…by letting him ‘initiate contact’ do you mean all calls and texts? I’ve read some guys saying yes all contact and others who say they get frustrated when a girl doesn’t initiate any.I need a flow chart…I’m only 34 but this is exhausting.

    Thanks again!!

  32. @M….Yes, it is exhausting. We’re sorry. Not all guys are shallow. And sometimes it’s timing and circumstance that makes a guy shallow. Meaning, if a guy’s not looking for love or long-term commitment, and only looking for fun, that could be construed as shallow. The “newness” factor does play a role. It’s more about moving on to something that has no history, no baggage, than necessarily new “action” although, that’s also a draw for some guys. As per initiating or not. We think the best plan is to move forward with this and trust yourself. There’s not much else you can do. If the timing isn’t right it won’t matter what you do, initiate or not initiate. So be yourself and see what happens. However………..Just be honest with yourself along the way and don’t settle until you get what you want. We don’t mean perfection, we mean, whomever you end up with should be as committed and excited as you. They don’t have to be a superstar, or a model, or some big moneymaker, just an honest guy who’s willing to work at a relationship, and compromise, and communicate, and make himself vulnerable, and love you the way you love him. FWB is not a portal to happiness, or whatever other arrangement this guy may propose. Don’t get yourself stuck in a holding pattern. And who knows, maybe he’ll have a change of heart. You’ll know soon enough. Good luck. Hope this helps. And thanks again for your kind words and donation.

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