Online dating; looking for a guy who’s emotionally available

Dear Guys,

First of all, I’d like to thank you for this site, which I just found. I think all of your advice is so sound and mature, a big change from some of the other sites out there.

I’ve had a pattern of being involved with guys who make all the right “noises” — they ask me out, call every day, spend time with me, introduce me to their friends and family, are exclusive, don’t cheat—but I’m always left feeling like all the signs of a great relationship are there, but without the real substance. They don’t open up to me, don’t express themselves or their feelings or dreams, they seem to just want to get into a comfortable, monogamous routine where the relationship doesn’t really evolve or develop into anything deeper. I usually have to end the relationship after 1-2 years, when I see that they really don’t know how to open up and move things to another level, and they are usually devastated. I know this is kind of a ridiculous problem to have, considering all the “real” problems on this site, but I’m having so much trouble finding a real, nourishing, satisfying relationship where I can really connect with a partner over the long-term.

Anyway, that has been my history and I’ve started online dating for the first time and I am understandably a bit on the look out for early signs of this behavior as I just don’t want to fall into it again. I’ve been on three dates with a guy who seems nice, but has a few red-flags. He’s 42  years old and never married, no long term relationships for the past NINE years! What first bothered me was that each time we went out, he waited three days to call me, which is unheard of in my dating life. (I usually get a call/email/text the next day or at the latest the day after.) I asked him jokingly if he was following the “three day rule” (Although my feelings were hurt) and he was genuinely surprised and said no, he was just taking things slowly and enjoying getting to know me. He said that if it meant a lot to me, he would call me more frequently, which he has. But I still can’t shake that feeling of him being emotionally distant; he certainly is somewhat “walled up” —he gets uncomfortable when the conversation gets serious and looks like he wants to escape and withdraw when anything deeper is discussed.

Is this a red-flag that I keep choosing the same emotionally unavailable men who, deep in their hearts, just aren’t into me? Is there a way to spot this early on? Or are my experiences making me paranoid? I really would love to hear your thoughts and opinions on whether a slow start to things is a good or bad sign? (I believe it’s important for a guy to be pretty excited about me in the beginning and wanting to call a lot.) And whether I can spot an emotionally unavailable/immature man, so I can make better choices in the future.

Kate

Dear Kate,

Thanks for your kind words. We appreciate it.

Okay, you’re saying two different things. First you say that you seem to pick guys that don’t know how to open up, and that you end up having to break up with them. (They are devastated.) But then you say you keep choosing guys that are emotionally unavailable, and who deep in their hearts just aren’t that into you. The former is about the guys you are choosing, the latter is about you, and some sort of worry and insecurity. The issues are different, but they are related.

Ultimately, people choose partners that make them feel good about themselves. Take altruism for example. We believe in it as a concept, but people perform altruistic acts because of how their actions make them feel about themselves. It all comes down to the self, if you follow that logic. So our question is: What level are you trying to get to with these guys? (It sounds like there’s been quite a few.) And is this level attainable by anyone, or is it something that no matter what they do, they won’t be able to reach the level you’re looking for? (We’re just asking the questions so you can think about them.) Which brings us back to our original take: That your issue might be a combination of the wrong guys and what you ultimately need, or think you need.

Relationships require compromise. Obviously no one should compromise on important matters, like values, morals, attractiveness, and things like that. But in our society, we’re told our partner needs to be our soulmate, our best friend, our everything, and frankly, it’s not possible. That’s why people have friends and family. (Those help fill other needs.) Like we said, we are not telling you to settle. Absolutely not. But we are asking you to take a look at what you’re asking from these guys. And are you open to surprises? What do we mean? Maybe the guy who’s right for you is not the guy you seek? Do you have a list of attributes or requirements before you date someone? Maybe that list needs to be revised, or thrown out entirely? Maybe, the very attributes you find attractive in a man, directly impact his ability to open up.

We like that you’re trying new things: online dating. What about adult ed classes, or joining some local club to meet people who like to do the sorts of things you like to do? Maybe meeting someone in a completely different setting would help take things in a different direction than your past experiences.

And so what about this new guy? He’s slow coming out of the gate. We don’t necessarily see that as a bad thing. We didn’t love his slow response time to your texts, and agree, that that needed to change. But we did like his openness to modifying his behavior to make you happy. We see this as a very positive sign. Flexibility and compromise are good things in a relationship. Sure, he’s 42, single, never been married, all the signs of a player, or someone stuck in their ways. But you’ve got to give this some time. If he’s slow with his response time, he’s also probably slow with opening up to someone new. Right now you’re uncomfortable and we can tell you don’t particularly like being uncomfortable. (Who does?) But we think it’s good for you. Just go with it and see what happens. And keep the conversation flowing. He seems open to discussing issues, so if something comes up, talk to him about it.

We also can see you’re worried about your ability to choose a keeper in general. So here are some signs of one:

Someone who is willing to compromise and be flexible. Someone that listens, but also absorbs what he’s listening to and applies it later. Someone who is willing to share about himself, but also wants to know about you. Someone you think you know but then is still able to surprise you. Someone who genuinely wants the best for you, and has your best interests in mind when he’s out in the world without you.

We hope we didn’t offend you with some of our questions. We’re just trying to get you to consider all possibilities as you navigate the complex world of dating, online dating, and social network groups.

We’d love to hear your thoughts. Please leave us a comment below, and ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. And definitely keep us posted about this guy, or any other situation that comes up.

Also, we hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. And on Facebook, Twitter. @TGPBuzz

Take care,

THE GUYS

More relationship advice and dating advice about online dating: 

Online dating; should I move forward? 

Online Dating: Friends with benefits or something more? 

Online dating; am I booty call or more? 

Divorced and online dating

 

 

49 Comments on Online dating; looking for a guy who’s emotionally available

  1. Dear Guys,

    Thank you so much for the wonderfully insightful and detailed answer to my question. I definitely wasn’t offended by what you had to say – I thought it was all pure gold! It has certainly given me a lot of food for thought and I’m going to think it all over very carefully.

    I did want to say sorry if I came across as arrogant when I said guys were devastated when they broke up with me – that only comes from frustration – I always felt like saying “I can see that you care – so why in the world aren’t you trying harder!?” Sorry if that came across wrong.

    Secondly I think you have an excellent point about what to expect from a partner – I had wondered if I fell into that category of expecting too much of a “soul mate” but then was worried about the settling issue – my Myers Briggs personality type is INFJ and one of the major weaknesses of this type is “on an eternal hunt for the perfect relationship”. I definitely want to be more realistic in my expectations and will keep your answer on hand to remind me of what to look for.

    I also thought your list of what to look for in a keeper was great – sometimes people who have never been in a mutually supportive relationships don’t have a reference point of what to look for, and so that was really helpful. I’ve always had a weird dichotomy of expecting too much in some areas (soul mate etc) and yet expecting far too little in other areas (compromise, listening, flexibility, kindness).

    I think your answer has really helped me clarify some of the issues and I’ll definitely be thinking it over for some time to come.

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to help, I really appreciate it.

    Oh, and I’m definitely taking your advice and just relaxing over the guy I’m seeing, we’re on our fifth date and things are going very well. I’m getting to know parts of his character that are definitely a pleasant surprise!

    Kate

  2. @Kate……We’re glad we could offer you some insight. (And we’re also happy you didn’t take offense. We always try to come from a supportive place when giving advice) So definitely keep in touch. Let us know how things are going with this new guy, and in general. Ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. And thanks for sharing our site with all of your friends. We appreciate it.

  3. Hi Guys,

    Back again :-) I’m taking you up on the offer of follow up questions since I’m still feeling “uncomfortable” (as you noted!) although I don’t want it to cause me to jump ship just yet. Especially since the guy I mentioned asked me two days ago to take down my online profile and be exclusive (I took that as a pretty good sign of interest, hopefully!). My follow up question is about how often someone should call/want to see you. Once again, I have an idealized view of how people should be at the beginning of a relationship…wanting to see each other and talk to each other all the time, because you’re enthusiastic and excited and want to know all about this new person. That is the way I feel. However, my new guy seems to want to call every couple of days (not even a text in between) and see me about twice a week (this is ok with me, the calling is more of the issue, I’d like it to be every day now that we are exclusive). Just to clarify, we have been dating for 4 weeks, and in my earlier question I didn’t explain properly that what happened is that we would have a date, then he would not call for 3 days. However when he called, it was to set up the next date. And so on. Also it does seem that when I call him or text him, he responds warmly. When I spoke to him about it previously I said I would prefer to speak every 1-2 days and he seems to be calling every second day now. But it is upsetting me that I even have to worry over this, it shouldn’t be an issue I think. I feel that he is not interested enough in me or getting to know me. Am I imagining these mixed messages? Shouldn’t he be dying to get to know me better? Or should I just relax and see if things progress naturally? Thank you again so much for your help and advice 😀

  4. @Kate……..We understand how you feel. And we lean towards your position. The talk of exclusivity is a good thing but that doesn’t mean his definition and your definition of what a relationship looks like is the same. Maybe this is the age factoring in, or life-stage, but whatever it is, he’s clearly content to have someone he enjoys hanging out with a few days a week, but at this point doesn’t seem like he’s looking for a deep emotional connection. We don’t think you should jump ship yet but we still don’t think the two of you are looking for the same thing. And what are you looking for exactly? We looked back at your original question and you don’t give much background details. Was he married before? Does he have kids? What about you? Married/kids? Do you want to have a family someday? Maybe this is what he was referring to when he cited the age difference as a potential problem? What do you think?

  5. Hey Guys,

    Thanks so much for your response and further questions. I have realized lately that everyone has needs in a relationship, and those are subjective, neither good nor bad, and that you need to speak up for your needs and if, after communicating them, they probably aren’t going to be met, its best to move on. So really, its a win-win situation – you voice your needs and they’re met, or you move on to someone who can meet your needs. Anyway, with all of this in mind, I simply raised the issue with him, said perhaps we have different communication styles, but it is important to me to have someone who contacts me daily, even for a brief phone call. His response really impressed me. He said he was really glad I brought it up, as he wanted to have an honest relationship, where each person could express themselves freely. He apologized and said that because he works in IT support, he is on the phone for 6 hours a day and that he is often burnt out by the time he gets home. He said we would sit down over the weekend and talk about each of our expectations and needs and see if we could come to something that would make us both happy :-) I couldn’t have asked for a better response. It is scary to open up and admit we have needs, but I’m so glad I did. And if he had reacted badly, at least I would’ve known he was not responsive, which meant I could move on. This has been a huge lesson for me about being brave and expressing my needs in a relationship, hopefully his good response will foster open communication in our relationship and things will just get better over time. Thank you again so much for your support and advice – I am definitely going to let everyone I know about your site and your quality advice.

  6. @Kate……Good for you. It’s always brave to open up, but like you said it’s a win-win. We wish more people would see it that way. So many people are afraid to voice their needs and then they stay in dead-end relationships. Or they drive themselves crazy for a long time only to find out if they had just talked more about what they want they would have realized the person wanted the same thing.
    We’re glad you’re going to have a “sit-down” this weekend. One thing to consider: There are two sets of needs you need to discuss. 1. Day-to-day needs. Communication, dates, etc. 2. But also, long-term needs. What do you want from this relationship? What are you ultimately looking for? And of course what is he looking for? From our experience we’ve seen people revise these needs as they fall in love or out of love more, but the general discussion should happen. Example: You want to get married and have kids; but he’s happy to have someone he can do something with, but he’s not thinking family. Just something to consider. Good luck and keep us posted.

  7. Hi guys, so my problem is that guys I like (interesting ones) almost never like me back, and guys I don’t care (“invisible “ones) about show pretty persistent interest all the time, and I can’t figure out what’s the reason. Maybe you could help to figure that out. So here is more details. THe reason of the problem can’t be that I am not an attractive, smart or interesting. I look really good( not just my observation, everyone around me consider me as a very pretty girl) I am well educated, got masters degree at the age of 22 an then started nice job. physically I am in a really good shape since working out systematically, I am 23years old very independent , professionally successful person, with a quit high income to provide myself with the lifestyle i enjoy. also i am travel a lot, have Lots of interesting Hobbies and in general people consider me quit interesting and fun person. In general I have a perfect life, everyone around me envies me, very often I hear that I am a lucky one cause I can have any guy I want, but in reality I can have any guy except those ones I want lol. At some point I thought I was not friendly and approachable enough, and tried to change that but as a result I got ven more attention from those guys I don’t care about and with the interesting ones nothing changed. Than I thought that maybe some guys were intimidated, thinking that I would reject them too anyways so they didn’t make attempt, so I tried to appear it less risky for guys to approach me. But that didn’t change anything either, besides why I should intimidate someone I like and not those other ones I am careless about. I even thought that maybe those guys i don’t care about like me because I don’t pay any attention and reject them and they were getting challenged or something. So I tried that “ignoring” and push and pull technics as well ( even though inhate them) but for nothing. I also considered that maybe i was not good enough for those “for me interesting” guys, but almost all guys i liked and things did not work out with, now have gfs and wife’s who are neither prettier nor more successful or interesting, they are those regular needy, pretentious, silly ones most guys are always complaining about. So now I am out Of ideas, and everything gets more and more annoying. Maybe I like wrong guys but that’s not something I can control. For additional info, guys I like are with similar lifestyles, ambitions and interests I have, usually those who get attention easily everywhere they go. And some of those ones who like me may be successful and smart but self conscious, shy and “invisible” ones, without dignity and ability to except rejection. or total losers and jerks, oh and much older guys too. So this is my situation and Really don’t know any more what to think, I am already getting self conscious and because of so many negative experience i may be at a point when next time I like a guy I’ll assume from the beginning that it won’t work out and move on without even trying anything. Any insight that could shed light to my mysterious situation? P.s. additional detail, I moved in states from Europe and i am a little bit old fashioned P.s.s. some parts of my question may sound a little rude and the question itself a little desperate, that’s because undesired Ignorance from “liked” ones combined with undesired attention from “uninteresting” ones caused a little aggression and frustration.

  8. @Helena…..It’s okay. We like blunt. We’re curious: Where are you from in Europe? We have an idea, but don’t want to be rude. (Share if you’d like. No worries) Anyway we have a question for you: What type of guy are you actually looking for? And what’s the age range? What do you mean by interesting? That will help us give you some more feedback. We’re sorry you’re a bit frustrated, but you must understand you’re still young as dating goes, at least in the states. We know that may not be a consolation for you, but it’s true. Sometimes it takes time to find the right person. And remember, as you grow and experience more, your tastes will grow and change along with you. So that’s something to consider. Here are a few things to understand about guys: 1. The guys that are looking for “pretty and successful” aren’t necessarily looking for a long-term relationship. And if they are it’s based on superficialities which typically don’t last. We’ve seen too many of those relationships fall apart after a few years. Those particular guys are always looking for something “better.” 2. The other guys are looking for more than pretty and successful. They are looking for someone they can rely on and trust. Someone they can have fun with and be silly with. Someone to do stuff with, and someone they can count on when things get tough. Someone they have good communication with. Do you have any communication issues now that you’re here in the states? Just wondering. Fill us in some more and we’ll give you some more ideas. Thoughts? ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Spread the word on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. @TGPBuzz. Please take a moment to help a fellow reader. VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks

  9. Thanks for the response guys, I am from Italy. Regarding communication issues I don’t think that I have any problems.I am not the most outgoing extrovert but that was the same way in my home country. Actually I am more outgoing here than I was back home ( since have more time for social life after graduation) your an

  10. @Helena…..We have more to say on the topic. If you could respond to some of our questions we might be able to help you figure this out. Take care. (We have a meeting in 30 min. so we’ll be back later.)

  11. @Helena…..One more question: Where are you meeting guys?

  12. Your another question was what kind of a guy I am looking for and what age range. Usually guys I find interesting are in 25 -30 age range. Should have goals and ambitions similar to mine. plus similar interests and hobbies. And should be stronger( I don’t mean physical strength) than me. For example, those guys interested in me are people who needs someone to take care of them, who would feel more comfortable to depend on me and let me make all decisions.with whom I would have to solve every problem because he would sit there and think what to do, or just wait for me because know that i can handle it better than they can. they never getting out of their comfort zone and looking for a homogenous reliable relationships to create safer homie environment. And those ones
    I like are complete opposites, more grown ups and independent, having situation under control, with them them I am having fun and adventure, I can relax and don’t be alert all time. I am not sure if i explained the difference clearly. So what I am curious is why I cannot get read of the guys from the first category and why the second category literary run away from me and ending up with girls similar to the guys from the first category. Lol, I hope I am not confusing

  13. Answers on your questions are there, I guess post splitted into to parts for some reason. And answer for your last question: I meet them at regular places, school, work, gym, parties, during different social activities etc.

  14. @Helena…….This helps us understand where you’re coming from. We get it. And we understand you want someone with goals, interests, and confidence. Not a pushover. Do you think it’s possible you immediately shift into “take control” mode with these guys before you let them assert themselves? (Because you’re comfortable being in charge.) Is that possible? Is it possible that your natural tendency to be in control, and what you’re looking for in a man, clash? Meaning, you want a man who’s in charge, but at the same time you’re more comfortable in that role. And your tendency to be in charge is a threat to those “Great Guys” you’re interested in, so they stay away from you. (They like being in charge and don’t want to compete for that role.) But the “other guys,” the ones you’re not interested see your take charge attitude and they love it. Does this make any sense to you? What do you think?

  15. hey guys thak u for the effort and hard work…i’ve seen a guy at a friends house wih his sister n this was last year…bout two monhs ago we started talking on facebook… it ws all normal in the begining..bt thn i felt that he wud praise me alot and mention that he never met somone as clever as me at this age… he asks bout ma family and bout my life..he nicknames me ‘beautiful’.. n recntly strtd talking bout the beauty that lies inside n stuff like dat…talks bout his family alot and his plans …he always starts the conversation n talks about his day and wt he plns to do..his parents are dead n he mentions dem..last time he said dt his sister n i should gt to know one another and dt we cud b really good frends..we did contact one another n she is really nice.. He keeps asking when i’m coming to the city as he already knows we’ll be there in new year..i do like him n was wondering if he does..guy always say somhig bt we always misundertand dem….lemme know ur opinion on dis pleaseeee…

  16. Thanks guys . Actually ,that can be true, at least in some cases. Though not quit sure how can I be in charge of anything that doesn’t exist yet, I mean relationship or dating scene. How can those guys tell at the very early stage of acquaintanceship that I am comfortable with taking control and how they can feel threatened by that. Also how those “other guys” notice and love it when I not only don’t take control on anything related to them but I hardly even notice that they are around until they obviously start showing interest and asking out. That part kind of confuses me. Okey there are certain things that I do with the guys I am interested in that can be considered as being in charge but I do all that not because I want take control but to show interest and make sure that things will go smooth. By “things” I mean, during conversation to be the one offering subjects to talk about, just to avoid awkward silence that may occur, being the one who starts and ends conversations, not because I want to take control but because 1. I don’t want to get the conversation or me boring 2. If he will be one ending conversation, I’ll unintentionally start thinking that maybe he ended conversation because he get bored or he didn’t enjoyed it etc.. It’s the same with starting the conversation and approaching, I prefer to do that, because 1. If I don’t do that there is a chance that he will not do that either and then my insecurities will get into game, so I prefer to avoid that. This list will go on and on, but my point is that I do that kind of staff just because to make them comfortable enough at the beginning so that afterwards they can be the strong, “in charge” ones or whatever it is and not sure how my behavior can threaten them. Besides not quite convinced that all that “be in charge” thing is accountable for my problem.

  17. @Deena…..Thanks for your kind words. We try. It certainly sounds like he’s interested, or attracted to you, or both. Has he asked you anything specific? Like on a date? You’re going to have to keep us posted. It’s probably too soon to tell what his true intentions are. We need more information. And frankly, you need more information. When are you going to see him again? Does he live far from you? Have you seen him much?

  18. @Helena…..Remember, we’re just throwing out ideas. Feel free to discard whatever doesn’t apply. One thing that does stand out from what you just said: You said you’re the one approaching the guys to make them feel more comfortable. If that’s the case, then you might need to dial that back. If a guy isn’t mature enough, or strong enough as you say, to approach you, or if he’s too arrogant to approach you, he’s not going to be much of a boyfriend. If he’s arrogant, then you’ll have handed him even more power by approaching him and making it easy for him. And if he’s not, that means he’s not that confident, which in turn will be a turn off to you. Helena, our suggestion is to try to dial your impulse back to make things comfortable. You’ve got to allow the guy to sink or swim. That includes approaching a guy, or in conversation. We’re not saying be disagreeable, just let the guy work for it a little bit. If he stinks at conversation, well then you’ll save yourself a bunch of time. If he doesn’t approach you it’s probably because he’s cocky, and not the kind of guy you want anyway. You sound like an introspective, interesting, and attractive person. The right guy will know immediately that you’re the woman he wants to be with. Last point: Don’t mistake arrogance for confidence. There’s a fine line, but a clear distinction. Thoughts?

  19. He hasn’t specifically asked me out on a date..cuz we are so far from one another..10 hrs away..we r meeting up in January..seen him only once..my mom’s best friend knows him quite well..she is his very close friend actually and she talks soo much good about him all the time..and i’ve always felt so weird wen she does that..i know she wants to impress me lol ..something is just so obvious but i don’t know..not gonna assume much so will just wait and see what happens when we meet..thnx for the quick answer!!

  20. @Deena…..You’re welcome. Definitely keep us posted on how your visit goes. Ask as many questions as you’d like. Thanks for sharing our site. We do appreciate it!

  21. Thanks guys again. Actually I’m not discarding anything, since pretty much everything applies or at least matches what I was thinking. I just hoped to get more easily fixable explanation of my situation when I asked the question, because dialing back my impulse is not that easy, apparently I’m too much used to doing everything myself. Oh, and besides giving advice you guys helped me a lot by noticing my introspectiveness, about which I was aware of, but did not know how noticeable and excessive it was, and realized that with the guys I like it becomes worse and I guess makes me look less natural and probably a little weird and with those “other guys”, I am less introspective and more “normal”, and that’s what is accountable of what I was complaining about in my first question. BTW, the post above is a good illustration of my excessive introspection. Thanks guys again for advice. :)

  22. @Helena…..You’re welcome. Definitely keep us posted on how you’re doing. We do believe this will all work out for you. Just keep putting yourself out there. Take care.

  23. here i am back to bother u again :) was wonderin…forgot to say the guy asked me if i love kids n was talkin bout how many he wants n stuff like dat..do guys usually talk about this stuff ? I just never expected it..

  24. @Deena…..Sure they do. But remember, until you meet up and spend time with one another, all of this is just talk. Sometimes guys talk about stuff they know will impress and excite the woman they’re talking to. Keep us posted.

  25. Hey guys,

    I may have accidentally posted this somewhere else on your site, but now I can’t find my comment. So I’ll just do it here instead. I recently started in on the online dating game. I went out with a really nice guy for drinks on our first date. He gave me a hug and after he texted me about 30 min later and said thanks for coming I had a good time. I said me too let me know if you’d like to hang out again. He said definitely and texted me a couple days later to set up plans. In between he texted me to check in/confirm a place. On the day of our date he made sure to confirm by just being casual and saying “see you at 7:30!” We went out on a 2nd for dinner, shared dessert, exchanged real last names blah blah. He even told me something about a family member that was kind of personal. I was surprised by that but acted happy he shared it with me and shared something small too as an act of disclosure. He gave me a kiss on the cheek at the end and texted me within an hour saying he had a good time and said to me, “let me know if he’d like to hang out again :).” I responded a little bit after saying yeah and that I had fun, thanks again and to let me know when he was thinking and we could make a plan. I feel like he may have wanted me to ask him to hang out or give something more specific, but I also feel like I threw the “ball in his court” so to say with my response. I haven’t heard from him in a couple days. So I know need to give it a little more time, but I know we’ve both been perusing online so I feel like if he has time to do that then he must have time to say something. Anyways, I was just wondering in terms of dating edicate, should I wait for him to get back to me, like give him 4 or 5 days and assume he’s not interested based on what we’ve ended our last conversation with or does he expect me to ask him. I feel like every time I’ve made some kind of move like that it’s blown up in my face, but dating is just really confusing. I don’t want to act over-eager but I also don’t want to lose out on things with guys because something was unclear. He seems to have made the effort for the first two. Should he make it for the third? If anything I’d like to know for future encounter what you guys think?

  26. @Cali……He needs to make the effort still. You barely know him, and considering the way you met he definitely needs to at least get this to a point where you’re both comfortable. Maybe after a few more dates you can step in and make some sort of plan. Basically, if he’s too insecure to do it then he’s not the guy for you, or he’s not interested enough. Be patient!!

  27. Hey guys,
    I wrote this question in another spot, but I thought it might be easier for you to get back to me here. I met a guy online. We would talk or text for most of the day everyday. He would always say how he couldn’t wait to finally meet me and make me his. He is 4 years older than me, has a good job, has a 3 year old son and has been divorced for 2 years and hasn’t had a relationship since. For our first time meeting we went to a park with his son to play and get to know one another. After half an hour of being shy, his son was obsessed with me and wanted nothing to do with his dad haha. After that we went back to their house, he cooked and I gave his son a bath. I flirtily asked if he still liked me after meeting me and he said he if he didn’t he would not have brought me back home with his son. We hung out a couple more times and then he told me that he wasn’t ready for a relationship yet but wanted to keep me in his life and keep talking and hanging out. We still talked everyday and we started sleeping together which I think was probably a bad decision on my end. We had talked about being serious and I really felt let down when he said he wasn’t ready. When I asked him why he said he just didn’t have enough time with work and his son to treat me the way he wanted to and that he didn’t want to drag me into his health problems. He has diabetes and from keeping his blood sugar too high when he was younger he has some complications, the doctors say he has the health and body of a 45 year old man.. he is only 26. There isn’t a lot they can do about it or slow it down. I really like him, he is a great guy and an awesome dad. I wouldn’t want to lose a good guy because I was impatient and didn’t give him time. But I also don’t want to get get my hopes up and get hurt. So I guess what I’m asking is in your opinion guys, should I go ahead and let it go or should I stick around and see what happens?

  28. @Katie……Honestly, it doesn’t sound like he’s going to change. That’s just our take from the very little we have to go on. (You would know better than us.) But that’s our gut feeling. Usually a guy knows right away what he wants. And let’s say we’re wrong. How long would you be willing to wait? He’s two years out of his relationship which means he probably has at least another 3-4 years before he’s at all interested in something serious. (Rough estimates) What do you think? The question is always: Is he making excuses because he doesn’t want me specifically? Or is he just not ready for a relationship?

  29. Hey guys,
    Thanks for your advice earlier about this situation. I’ve continued to see this guy, I’m not really sure how to describe our relationship. I wouldn’t necessarily say we’re friends really, at least not good ones. We text and talk from when we get up to when we fall asleep; however, whenever we spend time together all we do is hang out at the house.. cook food, watch a movie, just lay in bed and talk, have sex, sometimes his son is around when we hang out but other than that I haven’t met any other friends or family. I guess about a week ago we had a particularly intimate time together and when I left I texted him to tell him that I felt like I had made a mistake and I just liked him too much to keep a friendship like this going. He said he didn’t want to hurt me and he completely understood. We didn’t talk for a couple days and then he texted me and said that even if we didn’t hook up anymore he still wanted to talk and hang out. We talked about a few things and he told me that he was content with what we had been doing, he meant what he said about us not being able to be together only because he wasn’t ready and that he wasn’t interested in seeing anyone else. Well I’ve always been too easy to fall for this kind of stuff, so of course I started talking to him again as well as having sex with him. Tonight was the first time I had seen him since we talked though. I went to his house because he’s going to be gone this weekend on vacation in the mountains with his son. In the beginning when we had discussed being serious he had asked me to go with him, but I had assumed since we were pretty much strictly just having sex he wouldn’t want to take me out of town with him and his son and he had never brought it up after we discussed it that one time. Well tonight I was telling him how much I have to work this weekend and he said it was too bad I wouldn’t be able to make the trip with them. I hadn’t realized I was even invited, so I just let that comment go but it made me wonder if it would be normal to take a trip like that with a fwb??
    After we had done our thing we were just laying in bed each playing on our phone and out of no where he says to me “where were you Saturday, you didn’t text me all day.” He has made remarks before to me about me getting too attached to him and stuff.. I feel like it shouldn’t really be questioned where I was at just because he didn’t hear from me for one day. Does this mean I have to text him everyday?
    After that he rolled over towards me and held my hand and just said goodnight, layed his head near me and closed his eyes. We have never spent a night together so I was a little confused, I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. So I figured he was ready to go to sleep and I got up and started getting dressed. He seemed a little surprised and asked where I was going, I asked what he meant and he repeated his questions. I told him I was going home. He said oh okay and sounded kind of sad. I’m just a little confused by his strange behavior, guys.
    I have another detail to add to these questions. Since this guy had made it clear he only really wants one thing from me, I’ve still been looking for someone who wants more than that. I met another guy and I’ve seen him a couple times now. I’m pretty interested in him and he says he is interested in a relationship as well but wants to take things slow. I’ve decided I don’t want to sleep with him until we’re more serious because I don’t want to mess anything up. So is it bad if I want to continue seeing my fwb while getting to know this guy? Is there any reason I should tell one about the other?

  30. @Katie…..There’s no reason you need to tell either guy about the other until you start becoming intimate with the second guy. (If you choose to) Then yes, you need to come clean. The only issue with seeing your FWB guy during the courtship with this other guy is that situation will likely keep you in an emotional holding pattern. We don’t think you can really be open to someone new with this FWB guy in your life. Do you? That said, you’ll just have to wait and see what unfolds with this new guy. Have you had a recent talk with your FWB? We agree that he’s starting to blur the lines, and usually when that kind of thing happens, it’s a good opening to have a conversation. Maybe it’s time to have another heart-to-heart with him? Because otherwise you’re going to get more and more confused and frustrated, and then hurt.

  31. Good morning gentlemen,

    I find myself at a dating cross road. I am a 33 year old woman who has no idea where I stand with the 45 year old man that I am “seeing”.

    About 7 years ago, I met him on a dating site and we went out on one date and then I never heard from him again. Well in October of last year, he found me on that same site again. We started talking again and he told me why he didn’t pursue me further after that one night out. He had just gotten out of a long-term relationship and he didn’t want to be a “douche bag” and start something he couldn’t finish. I guess I can respect that.

    Well it has now been about 5 months and he has only kissed me once and it was a quick peck on the lips. I want more and have indicated that I want more, but anytime we are together, he won’t lay a hand on me. He won’t kiss me. He doesn’t have any physical contact with me. I have asked him about this once and he says that he is patient and the time just hasn’t been right. He has also told me that if I were to show up on his door step in a trench coat and heels, then he would know what I wanted and act upon that.

    I don’t understand why I should go through those lengths (yes I know this is a simple request) before we have even taken the first basic steps in physical intimacy? Yes, I like him and enjoy his company. I am not understand his signals.

    Should I move on because he’s just not that into me?

  32. @Kourt……Typically, if a guy is into you he’ll make a move. How many times have the two of you gone out? So he’s either not physically attracted to you, or has some sort of intimacy issue, or he’s getting his needs met from someone else and views you as a cool lady he wants only a friendship with. What do you think?

  33. I believe you are right, and I am done. Don’t want to waste any more time with someone who doesn’t want to be with me.

  34. @Kourt…….We’re sorry. But we didn’t technically say move on, just presented you with how we saw things. But it sounds like the right choice. Take care.

  35. Right basically I had been single for almost 2 years after a ten year relationship broke down and resigned myself to being single though I signed up for various dating sites. I got a message from a guy, took a chance, went on a date and it lasted four hours. Over the next 7 weeks we were inseparable, things were great, we were getting closer and closer.

    During this time he started to have anxiety attacks and panic attacks with severe chest pains after physical activity, or times of stress. He kept panicking about the future in September when he would need to leave the country. I knew this one week in and numerous times I said did he want to be friends as I was so scared of getting my heart broken again. He said he couldn’t handle not touching and kissing me etc.

    This week his chest pains were so awful I was terrified for him. I ended up saying we’d ease up on sex if it helped. He said the would be no difference then than just good friends and that he’d still want to hang out as much. I said ok let’s be just friends trying to do the right thing for him and his health.

    As soon as I said it, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had fallen hopelessly in love with him. I saw him the next day with a friend and we hugged – I still felt the sparks and chemistry we had. In the end I chickened out of telling him in person in text that my feelings were stronger than friendship. That I would do whatever it takes to be with him. That I would move country if that’s what it took.

    He said he would need to think about it because of all the stress he is under with uni, future plans etc. in the end he decided we shouldn’t be together as he was worried about causing me more hurt, more stress of moving country, and the fact he couldn’t handle the stress of me giving myself to him completely.

    I went back to him to say I couldn’t hang out anymore and good luck with his life. In the end I realised that was in haste and that I valued his friendship above all else. He agreed we could try but give it a few weeks and let things die down.

    And here I am now the day after wondering if I am insane? Though we never spoke directly about how we felt about one another, he told our mutual friend he wanted kids with me and to settle down with me. He’s said I’m the best girlfriend he’s ever had. It seems like anxiety is getting the best of him and I am losing out on the love of my life. First and foremost I want him to sort his anxiety and chest pains out and help him as a friend, but I can’t even do this with no contact.

    I am so lost without him – I’m giving the space he needs and accept his decision as hard as that may be. I respect him so much.

    Any advice on how you let the one you love go? If he didn’t feel so strongly about me, this would have been easier to attempt to get over. I don’t know how to deal with this. I want to take his hurt and stress and share the burden.

    Have you ever made such a massive declaration of feelings and been rejected?

    Any advice would be wonderful.

  36. @Holly Goes Lightly………We’re so sorry. Being rejected is very painful. We wish we had some amazing insight to give you so you’d feel better immediately but of course you know it’s a process and healing takes time. However, here’s something to think about that might help. Understand this is coming from a supportive place, but it may sound a bit harsh. We get the sense you think this breakup is about his anxiety, and his fear of hurting you, and not about his feelings towards you. Although we don’t know the guy, we tend to see it differently. We think his anxiety was caused by his indecision about how he felt about you. At some point he realized things were getting very serious, and that’s probably when his anxiety attacks ramped up. Sure he might have been stressed by other events in his life, but we think what tipped the scales was his uncertainty about your relationship and how he felt. What he says to friends means less than what he says to you. The fact that he never declared his feelings for you is telling. And the fact that, the closer he got to leaving the country the more his anxiety increased should tell you something as well. Meaning, the closer he got to having to make some sort of adult decision the more he freaked out. We thought it was important for you to hear an objective viewpoint. Maybe that will help with your healing.

  37. Heeyy Guys..
    So I met this guy on an online dating site.. we talked on there for a couple weeks and then we started texting and talking on the phone. We would talk all day, even while he was at work.. he was the first and last person I talked to every day. We both told eachother that we like eachother and all that good stuff. He lives three hours away and at the beginning of all this I still had my job at a restaurant, so when he was off on weekends was usually when I was the busiest. About 2 months after we started talking he decided to take off a few days of work so he could come see me on my days off that week. I thought everything went pretty well when we met, we were physically attracted to eachother and got along well. I liked that he is a tough man’s man, a guy like that always makes me feel more sexy and feminine for some reason, we went out, he met my friends…
    The next week the company he works with started a new job in the town that I live in, so that meant he would be in the area for 6 weeks, but the crew goes home on the weekends. This is the end of their second week here. He told me he couldnte wait to be closer to me but the first week that I probably wouldn’t see him much because he’d be getting into the swing of things.. so I could understand that. I had recently quit my job so that I could focus more on my tough summer classes. But since the semester hadn’t started yet I decided to take a trip to my parents in Florida while I had nothing to do and my man was busy. He texted me late the first night they were in town wanting to see me and “hang out.” I told him since he had said I wouldn’t be able to see him anyway, I had went to Florida for a couple days. Oh, I forgot to mention that after we spent that first couple days together, his attitude completely changed. It would be hours before I got a response from him or sometimes he would ignore me. I saw him that week and then they went home for the weekend and I didn’t hear from him at all until the day they came back, which was this Tuesday. He wanted to come over to my apartment to hook up and I got upset with him because all he ever wants is to have sex and make me bring him beers. Don’t get me wrong, I like sex and I like taking care of my man but it seems like its too early for this. I want to get dressed up and pretty for him, go to dinner, walk downtown.. something where we can actually spend quality time. But when I brought this up with him he said we hadn’t been seeing eachother long enough to discuss this and we need to take things slow, but that he would take me out and do something special so I would know he wanted more. Kinda seems to me like his idea of how a relationship starts is backwards? Its been two nights since then and they’re leaving again today. I have gotten maybe three texts from him since the night we had our discussion. I don’t exactly want to bring up the same subject so soon, but he isn’t listening to my feelings and I just feel like I’m being used. I’m not sure what to do because I feel like I have invested feelings in this since we’ve been talking for a few months, and I did really like him until he started acting differently. I don’t want to just ignore the situation. I’m sorry if this whole thing sounds a little confusing, but any direction or words of advice on where I should go from here are appreciated!

  38. Moon in Scorpio // September 18, 2013 at 8:47 am //

    Hi guys. I have a question regarding my current situation. I met a guy on RSVP.com about a month ago. Let’s call him N. He is 36, I’m 32. He texted me right after our first date and the following day. Overall he seemed pretty keen though on average he would text me every other day (I told him I didn’t like needy guys on our first date). I rarely initiated contact but was always receptive. We ended up seeing each other 3 times the following week so within 10 days, we had 4 dates. It was mainly drinks at the pub or watching a movie. On the 4th date it was a Saturday night and because I didn’t want to get a taxi home I agreed to go back to his place. I wasn’t planning on becoming intimate with him because I was on my period. But there was so much physical chemistry that one thing led to another and despite my resistance, we had sex. We didn’t use any protection because he didn’t have any at home. He said he hadn’t had sex for a long time which I found odd – he’s a decent looking guy with a successful business and nice apartment in a very expensive part of the city. Anyway, he didn’t disappear after sex, and things continued the way they were before – he would text me once every other day or sometimes on consecutive days. The texts were always brief as neither or us like to chat over text. I saw him once or twice a week, most time we would eat first (either at his place or out), watch a movie while making out, then have sex. The sex is great and every time I went over, we would have sex at least 3 or 4 times. I got myself tested for STI shortly after our first night together and the test results were negative so we havn’t bothered with protection (I know I’m stupid, I could get pregnant). I always stay the night.
    Now, a few days after we started having sex, he stopped logging onto RSVP.com (you can see when someone last logged on). For 3 weeks he did not log on though his profile (a paid membership) was still up. I was on there a few times a week up until a week and half ago mainly because I was talking to a guy I’d met shortly after I met N. I set up a date with this new guy last Friday, met him and decided there wasn’t any chemistry. I met N again last weekend and spent Saturday night at his place. Sunday evening I decided to check if N has been online (I check once every day) and he was online that day! I felt a little insecure and immediately sent him a text message to say “Hi, how’s your day been?” And he replied within seconds. So nothing out of ordinary. On Monday, he again had logged on around lunch time. On Tuesday (yesterday) he did not get on RSVP for the whole day. Around 8pm I receive a text message from him, basically saying “Hi how’s your week been?” I got the feeling he didn’t want to chat for long and he did not arrange our next meeting (but he often text just to say hi and chat briefly). Around the same time I noticed he was on RSVP again. Then I did something which I kind of regret – I logged into my account and viewed his profile, which means he would be able to see that I had “spied on” him. Today is Wednesday and again he’s logged on. He didn’t text me today.
    From your perspective, what’s happening? Did he suddenly get back on RSVP because he got a message from someone that sparked his interest? Or is he losing interest in me and now actively seeking someone new? Or is he “pulling back” because things are getting too serious for him? Or is he just a player? I’ve always been very pleasant and fun when I’m around him, there was never any drama. I make sure I look good and smell good all the time (I’m slim and toned and I’ve been told by both men and women that I’m fairly attractive). We share a lot of interests so we’ve always had good conversations. The sex is amazing and I’m very open and adventurous in bed, he told me that I make him feel like he’s 25 again. I guess, if he had been logging onto RSVP on a regular basis it would’ve been a slightly different situation but he had a 3 week hiatus and suddenly he’s active again! What should I do? I thought about stopping or reducing the sex but I don’t think men handle that well and I don’t want to use sex as a bargaining tool. I also thought about hooking up with my ex again to take the intensity off the relationship with N but that just feels wrong… Should I wait and see what happens? Or should I break it up with him before he dumps me? I feel so vulnerable…  I really need an answer asap so I’ve made a donation.
    Thanks guys.

  39. @Moon in Scorpio…….Thanks for your donation. We do appreciate it. So question: What exactly do you want from this? You don’t really say, so we have to wonder. First of all, we’re not sure why you’re that upset that he went back on RSVP. Didn’t you just do the same thing? If things were so amazing with N, why did you feel it necessary to explore something more with this other guy? (Even though it turned out to be nothing.) Was this just your natural impulse? To check things out? Or was it a way to protect yourself? Safety in numbers, just in case N dumped you. We think that’s something you need to think about. As per N’s behavior. Right now it’s guesswork. He could be doing exactly what you did. Exploring something for the sake of exploring it. He could be bored, and so his impulse is to surf around to see if he sees something interesting. He might be feeling like things are getting too serious with you and so he needs to pull back and check other possibilities out. Who knows?? What jumps out at us is: Why are you not talking about any of this with him? The two of you are having regular sex, yet, you are afraid to address these issues? We think it’s time to start communicating with one another. And that’s the problem with having sex without any sort of conversation beforehand. What happens is you get into a pattern, a rut. The guy now expects sex every time, and the woman thinks that something will develop from it. It doesn’t work that way. Right now for him, you are someone fun he hangs out with and gets his needs met. You might have been okay with that at first, seeing that you’re the independent sort, but we don’t think it’s working for you anymore. So our suggestion: Talk to him. See what he wants. There are no guarantees that this will work out, and that he won’t freak out. But at least you’ll know. You’ll have some sense of what’s really happening between you. To us, that’s worth the risk. Your call. We’re really sorry. We know we’ve been tough on you, but we’re just trying to be honest. Understand it comes from a supportive place. Good luck.

  40. Moon in Scorpio // September 18, 2013 at 9:42 am //

    Thanks for the quick response. What you asked was something I wanted to address earlier but forgot to. I was on there because I had started emailing with this new guy shortly after I met with N (right before the sex happened). I only logged into to reply to his emails as 1)I felt bad to just cut him off, after all he did buy a stamp to email me and 2)I didn’t know where things with N were headed. I even thought about cancelling our meet but my best friend said I should meet him because I’m allowed to have options. During those times I logged on, I was never actively seeking. To be honest, the new guy is someone I would’ve dated if N didn’t exist. When he texted me the following day, I flat out told him that I was seeing someone else and was not comfortable dating multiple guys at the same time.
    I want a relationship and I know one month is too early for that but I would like to be able to at least date N and see how things go without feeling insecure.
    We didn’t have any discussion about exclusivity before sex because I didn’t plan for sex to happen so early and also, I don’t want him to agree to be exclusive with me because because that’s the only way he’d get sex out of me. I want him to agree to be exclusive because he likes my company and wants to see only me.
    I’m very spontaneous and passionate and I tend to get in the moment and do what I want.
    I do plan on having a “chat” with him when I next see him (I only found out he’s back on RSVP 2 days ago). So my question now is: How should I talk to him about it without coming off as needy/clingy/insecure/desperate? I had bad experience initiating “the talk” in the past that’s why I try to avoid having to do it as much as I can and wait for the guy to bring it up. Also, should I pull back a little bit? I’ve been saying yes to his invitations to hang out almost every time.

  41. @Moon in Scorpio…..Thanks for clarifying. You’re right. It’s somewhat risky to bring it up, but ONLY if it wasn’t going to work out in the first place. Does that make sense? Meaning, if the guy is just as into you as you are into him, then you bringing up the topic won’t be that big of a deal as long as you don’t start making demands, etc. It’s only a bad idea to bring it up to guys who never planned on being serious in the first place. Is that clear? But yes, of course, it would be better if he brought it up first. But let’s assume he’s not going to. We’d suggest you try to be casual about it at first. Feel him out. Not literally. But maybe go have lunch somewhere, or coffee, away from the apartment, the bedroom, etc. See if you can get some information from him. But at some point, if he doesn’t catch on, you’re going to have to have a very direct conversation about the state of the relationship.Right now, he’s getting exactly what he wants. You’re not. Don’t pull back until you’ve had the initial discussion. After that, if it doesn’t go that well, then we might suggest pulling back. If he doesn’t come around, then pull the plug. But why don’t you see what happens. Don’t jump the gun. Day at a time. Keep us posted.

  42. Moon in Scorpio // October 13, 2013 at 10:09 pm //

    Hi Guys!

    It’s been a few weeks since my last post.

    Things haven’t really improved that much.

    I did have a face-to-face conversation with him shortly after I’d posted here. I said to him that even though 5 weeks is too soon to enter a committed relationship, if he didn’t see any potential in this then there’d be no point in wasting time. To which he replied that he thinks there might be potential and that he wanted to “see how it goes”.

    I havn’t been checking his online status that much recently. The last time I did was about a week and half ago and he had been online that day.

    We’ve been seen each other on average once a week. He always asks me the last minute – while we’re texting he would ask me what I was doing that night and if I said I was meeting up with friends he would ask me to go to his place afterwards. I would say no and suggest the next day if he was free and he’d say yes. Sometimes we go out to dinner before going back to his place. So things are “normal” when we’re together. If I left my nightie at his place he would wash it for me.

    HOwever, in the last 2 weeks I’ve been hearing a lot less from him (he used to text me every other day). Two weeks ago we had a 3 day weekend and I thought he was going to Melbourne (we are in Sydney) for the marathon. We exchanged only one text that week (on Tuesday), I texted him on Saturday night to wish him good luck, he texted me right away (he always does) and said that the marathon was the week after, and that he was watching the fireworks at home with his friends. I was upset about it so I left it at that. Later that night after his mates had left asked me to go over to his place to which I refused. Eventually we agreed to meet up the next day. The next day we met up in the city, had dinner before going to his place. I left his place the next morning (Monday morning, it was a public holiday in Sydney but he had to go cycling with a friend). I didn’t hear from him for a whole week. On Sunday night (last night) I texted him to ask him how the marathon went, he texted back right away and we had bit of a chat. The last thing he said was “Good night. Chat during the week”.

    I’m really sick of this, I think he’s probably not that interested. But my friend’s telling me that he’s pulling back because he’s not sure about his feelings. In other words, he’s going through the “uncertainty” stage and the best thing to do is to leave him alone.
    What do you think? Do you think he’s doing the “rubber-band” thing? He does reply right away every time I text him and always asks to see me.

    Should I break it off if this lack of initiation on his part continues or should I stick it out?

  43. @Moon in Scorpio……Sorry this is so uncertain. However, his behavior isn’t indicative of someone who is thinking seriously about a relationship. You seem much more emotionally invested in this whole arrangement. Our gut tells us this isn’t going anywhere. Guys usually know right away whether they think there’s some potential. And when they do they don’t act like he’s acting. Your next move is to pull back and let him do some initiating. Still, it may just prolong the inevitable. Sorry, just trying to save you a little heartache and time. Good luck.

  44. Moon in Scorpio // October 14, 2013 at 4:47 pm //

    Hey Guys!
    Thanks again for your quick response.
    Are you saying he’s a liar and is stringing me along for sex? I did tell him while we were having “the talk” that I don’t want to be strung along.
    Yes, I was a lot more emotionally invested in this 2 weeks ago but I’ve actually cooled off quite a bit since and believe it or not I’m ready to walk.
    I’d made up my mind that if he let another week go by without contact I would give him a quick phone call and end it.
    To my surprise he contacted me last night. I had my phone in my bag on silent so I had no idea until about an hour after he’d texted me. He asked me what my plans for the week was and I said I was having dinner with a couple of friends on Wed night. He then asked me to go over to his after dinner. I said maybe but I’m going to make up an excuse and not go.
    So my final question is, is there anything I can do to turn this around? I have no problem with pulling back and “raising the bar”. But do you think the best way to deal with this is to be honest with him and tell him that his behaviour isn’t acceptable and that unless he steps up to the plate I’m out? I don’t want to come off as a nag but I want to send him a clear message that I will not be played.

  45. @Moon in Scorpio…….Getting played suggests some sort of deceit. We actually think he’s being quite transparent. And has been all along. The only way to turn this around is to set clear expectations. Tell him you’re not into the booty call thing. See what he says. But honestly, you’ve already established a pattern with this guy. He knows he can call you up and you’ll be agreeable to come over to his house whenever. That combined with the last minute nature of this invites should tell you what he wants. We doubt this is going to change, but still, if you feel strongly enough, it’s worth a shot to tell him what you want. What do you have to lose really? ps. We have one concern with this plan: That he’ll agree, change temporarily, and string you along some more, only to go back to the he’s been all along. Your call of course. All the best and good luck.

  46. Moon in Scorpio // October 17, 2013 at 7:15 am //

    Thanks Guys.

    Well there is definitely an element of deceit here if he says he sees potential but is actually stringing me along.

    Also, just to clarify, I’ve outright turned him down every single time he asked me to go over to his place on the same day which has happened 3 times so far, so it’s not like he can have me over whenever he likes.

    Thanks again.

  47. @Moon in Scorpio…..Good luck. Keep us posted. FYI: We are in the last few days/weeks of our site. Just in case you arrive to see the site down. Take care.

  48. Cheeseman // December 3, 2013 at 7:27 pm //

    Hi there,

    I’ve read a lot of your advice and have finally got a question of my own to ask. I know you generally deal with women asking about their men, but I it’s the man that’s asking this time. My question is rather a general one and you seem very insightful so I’m sure you will be able to help.

    To start with, I want to say that I am deeply paranoid. I’ve chosen a completely random name and I’ll be as vague as I can be whilst still giving you something to work with. I am genuinely worried that my girlfriend will see me posting here and then break up with me because I came to you, not her. She is wonderful and has given no signs that she’ll do this, it’s all because of my past and mental condition. At least I know I’m just being paranoid, right?

    Anyway, here’s the situation. I’m 18 and she’s 16. We met in a game online and fell for each other over the last month or so. We live 500 miles apart and her parents won’t let her meet anyone from the cyber-world, which is understandable enough. I probably wouldn’t trust a stranger with my daughter either, if I had one. At the moment, I’m willing to wait for her and she’s willing to wait for me. We’ve agreed that either one of us can call it off with no bad feelings (hopefully). We send pictures, voice messages and text messages to stay in touch. I’d like to talk on Skype but she’s very nervous about it. We role-play a lot, since we can’t be together. This includes everything from sitting together as we read to mutual masterbation I think that’s all the relevant information (in fact, it’s probably way too much given the relevance of the question 😛 maybe some general insight if you feel it’s needed?).

    So, this is my ‘problem’: She often says “I love you” or similar almost as a greeting. Tonight, she said “Okay :) love you ‘Cheesemaker’ ” as a goodnight message. I feel that she does genuinely love me (and I love her too) but… I don’t like to see her say it so casually. I’ve only said it twice in the time we’ve been dating because it seems to mean a lot more to me. It’s hard to put my thoughts into words but I guess I just don’t want her declarations of love (and our relationship) to turn into a ritual.

  49. Cheeseman // December 3, 2013 at 7:29 pm //

    Sorry, that ended up huge for such a simple question. And I realised that I changed my name from “Cheeseman” to “Cheesemaker” accidentally. Hope it doesn’t confuse you too much 😛

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