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I am 37 and a mother of 2 kids. I have tried online dating which I am not so comfortable with. Nonetheless, I tried it and have exchanged messages with different people from different parts of the world, but all just short notes. One time I received several nudges and winks from a guy with no profile picture.
For no reason at all, I decided to write and send a note. He sent me a message and we started chatting. Fortunately, the guy is extremely gorgeous and a real nice guy. He has showed sweetness and interest in me but on other days, I don’t feel it. We’ve been chatting day and night for about a month now. Sending messages and talking on the phone. He is in Canada and I am in Asia. He does say that he will come here, but he doesn’t really tell me the purpose of meeting me. He says he will come to my country (he really adores women in our country) grab a girl and marry her, but of course the chemistry should be present. He’s 38 and I am 37, and he said he want someone younger because he still wants to have kids. So this is really confusing me. I do like him. We do have chemistry; we enjoy our talks, we have something in common, we believe in the same things—morals, values—but it’s really puzzling me. I don’t want to fall in love. We have not met which is crazy but I guess I really like how he is—not just the looks.
Should I stop? or should I just go with the flow? Should I show I am interested in him? We do call each other with different words of endearment but that’s about it. He never said he likes me, but he would always say I’m pretty and he seems happy whenever we talk. Please, I need a guy’s perspective on this.
Dear Single Mom,
Thanks for your question.
While online dating has become very common, and in some cases successful, it’s still the wild frontier, especially in your situation where the two of you live in different countries. We would tread slowly and carefully with this person.
The first red flag is he doesn’t have his picture up with his profile. You say he showed you one after you started chatting, but you do realize he could have shown you a picture of anyone and you wouldn’t have known the difference? That’s not to say it isn’t a picture of him, just that the possibility is there that it’s not.
He’s also said he wants someone younger so he can have his own kids. Has he said anything about your age, or the fact that you already have two kids? Is he interested in taking on the responsibility of being a step-father? You need to have a much more in-depth conversation about this topic. Our sense is he wants someone even younger without kids.
We think you’ve got a lot of talking to do if you’re really going to be serious with this person. You need to find out more about who he is. What are his previous relationships? What does he do for work? Does he have friends? What’s his family like? What are his interests? Where does he stand on religion, politics, etc.? Then, you need to discuss the bigger topics like what you both are looking for in a partner.
We know it’s exciting to start talking with someone new, especially if you’re attracted to them. (At least the picture he showed you.) But at some point you’ll have to actually meet him, and get to know him on a day-to-day basis. And when you do, you’ll have to get to know him all over again. And that’s the biggest drawback with online dating. Sometimes the person you fall for via text, email, or phone, is actually very different from the person you finally meet.
We don’t see a problem with moving forward, but honestly he seems like he’s still out there looking. So if you do decide to keep exploring this, please be careful. You need to get to know him in person before you jump into something more serious, or actually visit him. In fact he should be the one visiting you if he’s truly serious about being in a relationship with you. And when he does, he should probably stay at a hotel or some other place of your choosing just to give you some space from him. (You could have him stay with a guy friend of yours, or a brother or something.)
But our gut tells us he is still surveying the landscape, and still on the lookout.
Best of luck to you,
ps. Please let your friends know about us!