Overseas military affair

Dear Guys,

I am overseas in the military. When this marine and I met it was like love at first sight. We started talking everyday and having lunch together. But somehow he would not ask me out. I started questioning him why but he always had an excuse.

He came to visit my place and we made out a couple of times but didn’t have sex. He told me he had feelings for me but he had a girlfriend back in the states that he loves and doesn’t want to end his relationship with her. We broke up, sort of, and now he’s making me feel like I was the one that was pursuing him. (But he also says he still wants to be my friend and swears that he has deep feelings too, but he wants to stop the flirting and suggestive language that we used to use.)

I am hurting so much; I trusted him and then he does this to me?! Everyone that knows about the situation says that he is going to come back to me and is going to break up with his girlfriend. But I don’t want to get my hopes up. He said he doesn’t want to lead me on. But now we both extended our tour here and will be seeing each other a couple times of week. We are so attracted to each other and passionate for each other. It is amazing. He told me that he’s never felt this kind of passion before. Me either. He said that it feels so good and so natural to hold me and kiss me. What should I do? Advice please!!!

Zairi

Dear Zairi,

Thanks for your question.

The best thing to do right now is try to be friends with him as best you can. He’s right, while he has a girlfriend the two of you shouldn’t be flirting, or doing other things. But the fact that he’s tried to put this on you is a red flag. He’s not taking responsibility for his actions. From what we can see there was only one person who was cheating on their partner, and it wasn’t you. He’s got a lot of nerve to dump this on you. And that’s the other thing. You do realize this guy cheated on his girlfriend don’t you? And who’s to say he wouldn’t cheat on you if you were that girl back in the states? It’s certainly something to think about, and something that needs to be talked about if things move forward between the two of you.

We suggest that you try to work with him—if that’s why you’re seeing him a few times a week—and be friendly. But you need to make it clear to him that you’re not open to having a relationship with him until he’s resolved things with his girlfriend back home. (Meaning he’s broken up with her.)

The thing is, passion is great and all, but relationships only last if there’s strong communication, trust, and mutual respect. Those are things that are built over time.

Good luck. Please keep us posted as things progress. Leave us a follow up comment and/or question.

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions about military relationships: 

Military long distance relationship

Military relationship; what do I do? 

Military gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on? 

 

9 Comments on Overseas military affair

  1. Thank you guys, we had the talk and unfortunatelly he chose his girl friend. He wanted to stayed as friends but I couldn’t see him and hide my feelings. We agreed that it was better to cut off all kind of communication and distance and time would help heal us both. It hurts and sucks, especially when we see each other around base a lot and have some mutual friends. But we are grown ups and should be able to be civil about it. I don’t hold any grudge and I think I got my closure even that it hurts so much now. Lesson learn for next time, won’t be easy but won’t die. Now if he comes back, he better be single with no strings attached. Glad that we didn’t get intimated too.Will keep you post if things develop or change. Thanks again..

  2. @Zairi……Well, closure is a good thing even if it’s hard. It certainly is better than wondering what he’s thinking and what’s going to happen. So be well and take care of yourself. Keep us posted if anything changes, or if you have any other relationship question in the future. And please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  3. I am back, just to give you an update. I decided to cut him off my life. We keep flirting and then he starts feeling guilty and bad again. We have been doing that dance since last time I emailed you guys. So I had enough but I still have feelings for him. I see him all the time but dont’ even aknowledge him, he keeps trying to get my attention but this time I am sticking to my guns. He is telling our mutual friends that he is feeling bad about it because he knows he hurted me. I really want him back in my life but I know is obvious that he loves his girlfriend. But he is going to be here for a year just like I am. I just wonder if he ever is going to change his mind and asked to go out with him and break up his relationship? What do you think?

  4. @Zairi……Stick to your guns. And don’t try to get between them. It has to be his choice. And how would you feel about him if you knew he left his girl for you? Who’s to say he wouldn’t do that to you sometime down the road. It’s better to stick to your guns and be cordial to him. If he breaks up with his girlfriend, well then that’s a different story. Thanks for checking in with us. Good luck with everything and don’t be a stranger. Come back anytime to browse or ask a question. Also, you might enjoy our “Relationship Memoirs” page especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.”
    Take care.

  5. Dear guys, I’m in the military and stationed far away in a remote location. i met this guy and we started “seeing eachother” at the time i had a guy in the states who was waiting on me but let me date other people, and the new guy wasnt okay with that. so i quit talking to the guy at home. about a month into daating (nothing official) i saw he became friends with his ex on facebook, he started to act stand offish because i kept bringin gup a relationship, because my girlfriends said i should be talking to him about having one. everytime we talked about it , he would tell me that he does have very strong feelings for me, and ever since his ex he has tried not to get attached. he said that how he feels about me scares him, and he is also deploying for 6 months in about 4 months. i know i am always over thinking things,and i know i cause half my worry.

    well i knew he was conversing with her and we (more like I) got in a fight with him about it. i walked out on him, and when i decided to come back he was over joyed. we arent labeled as a relationship but he always wants to know where i am and who im with, its not physical either bc some nights he will just hold me. he holds me all night, always looks deeply into my eyes, and i know he isnt a player bc he has insecurities.

    He is very busy with work, and i try to see him often as i can. recently we completely ended everything and 2 weeks later, a drunken evening led to us making up. he is obsessed with knowing if i was with anyone else during that time, saying that he knows if i was i might not want to tell him. but he wants me to be honest, and i said no i havent. he brought it up again saying ive been acting differently, when really im trying to protect my heart. ive started to close myself off a little bit, knowing for a fact that he was talking to his ex while we werent talking. sometimes i feel like he doesnt stand up for me, and i have started telling him i know what i deserve,and saying i just dont care anymore. we arent fighting at all right now, ive just been very non challant.

    I really think that i love him, and after his deployment he will be back. there have been two occasions where he tells me nothing will ever come of him and his ex. but he wont start a relationship. he doesnt flirt with other girls, or sleep with anyone else, and expects the same of me. i dont know if he is scared to start a relationship because he is leaving, but i would gladly wait for his return and faithfully. Last night he told me he really likes me, even though he knows i think he doesnt, and he said maybe he should remind me that he does more often.

    I guess everyone comes with baggage, and i am a strong confident woman, i am capable of taking care of myself. but i do think for the first time that i am in love. I dont know if i should ride it out, or just walk away. i havent brought up relationship stuff since we started seeing eachother again, and he refers to him and i as “us” .

    I want him to respect me. and i dont know what to do.

    Please help me,

    MCM

  6. @Mariah……..Why would you walk away now? Would that make you happy? Yes, this is hard and uncertain, but if you love him—or think you do—you need to see this through until the “end.” Meaning, there’s nothing worse than regret. And if you leave now you’ll always wonder, “What if?” So stick it out for now. (How long you wait, well that’s a different question. But to be answered down the road. You’ll know when enough’s enough.) As far as his ex goes, NO, he’s not over her, and that’s a concern. Obviously he’s still emotionally connected to her, and he seems like he’s having a hard time letting go. But maybe he’s had no reason TO let go, until now? It’s possible, he’s finally considering moving on. So be supportive, but not a pushover, and see where this goes. Feel free to ask us a follow up question. And keep us posted as this progresses.

  7. Dear Guys,

    I have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for almost 5 years. For the first year and 1/2 he lived here in town just minutes from me. We didn’t live together, but were inseparable. He deployed out to Europe where he stayed for 3 years. We did see each other at least 4 times a year in person, 2 weeks at a time. We chatted online, through video and IM, etc. Everyday, we called on the phone to one another. No matter what, we talked. Everything was wonderful. Life was good and we were in Love.

    Finally, this past July, he came home, for good. We were both excited and nervous, and couldn’t wait to see each other. This would be the first time that we would actually live together. We talked of marriage, and buying a house, a new car, etc. We just purchased new furniture for our home. All was good. So I thought.

    It’s now almost 2 months in to him being home with me, and it’s good and of course it has it’s moments. With us learning to live together, and just getting used to not be alone anymore, since he had been gone for so long. On Monday, he had a little too much to drink and feel asleep for the night, pretty early. His cell kept ring, thoughout the evening. Finally I just answered it. It was a woman from Europe, living the in the city where he was stationed. She asked to speak with him and I said he was sleeping then asked who she was and she said his girlfriend. Then she asked who I was and I of course said the same thing. To make a long story short, she has been seeing him since last Nov. Full time, bf and gf. Throwing around the word love and promises of coming back to share a life together. She said she has no idea I existed and was so sorry. She sent pictures of them, on trips and outtings. I was just mortified.

    It’s all out in the open now. She has since cut him off completely, and of course he and I live together.

    I want to forgive him because I just can’t see throwing all these years away, but he has no remorse. Doesn’t seem sadden by how heart broken I am, and is being mean to like this is my fault. I have given him plenty of opportunity to live if he wants, but he has yet to go. He is nice one min, and then mean the next. I am not sure what to even do at this point. Please help me!!!

  8. I forgot to mention that he is back and forth with one day he loves me, and then the next he doesn’t know. His first reaction to my finding out was to just leave and end the relationship, rather than even discusss any of it. He insists that he doesn’t love her. Also each day since this came out, he says that he should just leave, and then doesn’t. I told him that I want him to stay, but also told him that if he doesn’t want to, then he should leave. Neither one of us should be in a relationship that the other doesn’t want to be in. I love him so much, but am so confused as to what he really wants or is doing to me.

  9. @Renee…..This is sad. We’re sorry. You’ve got a big heart to be able to try and move on from this. Betrayal is hard to deal with on any level, and this was a serious betrayal. (For both women actually.) So why is he not remorseful? That’s the question. What do you think? A few things come to mind. 1. He feels guilty and doesn’t want to admit how wrong he was, and doesn’t want to give you the power. Because by admitting he was so wrong, and asking forgiveness, the ball ends up in your court. 2. He doesn’t feel badly and he’s looking for a way to break up with you, and he’s hoping you’ll just end things. (His back and forth from he loves you to he doesn’t supports this. 3. He’s confused, and doesn’t know what he wants. Trying to reconcile the two lives he was living. What do you think? In order to move forward, you’re right, he needs to seriously own up to things, and say to you that he’s willing to do anything to make this right. That’s the only way you can move forward from this, and even then it’s going to take a long time, with possible help from a professional. And do you think you can trust him again? That’s also a question to consider.

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