thinking about what’s going on with the ipone, I’m really embarrassed to say
that suspicion got the best of me, and I went online to look at his email.
Longer story short, I discovered that he’s on a number of dating sights, one of which was the more active. I noticed that on that site, he had communicated with a number of potential matches, as recently as 3 days ago, and all during this time we had been getting so much closer. It does not appear hat he has ever met any of them, his picture is not in any of his profiles, and his communications have been pretty innocent, I have been pretty shocked and embarrassed by my own actions and reaction, I felt so blindsided and devastated, which is a real surprise since I’ve always been so laid back, and such. He called last night when he got home, but he could tell something was wrong in my voice. He even called back again to say that he loved me, and did he do anything wrong, that he felt so guilty that I was obviously feeling bad about something.
I told him not to worry about it, I’d talk w/him in the morning. Anyway, I don’t know what I should do now, should I just let it go and not say anything, chalk it up to a private side of his life, no matter how it makes me feel, and I’ll just deal with it and do my best to let it go? (despite the female stereotype, I am actually very good at letting things go) Or should say something and hash it out, even though that would bust me for looking at the email, and checking out the sites? In my head, I thought I was going to say something like what I was struggling with began with the whole errant text thing which was not meant for me, so anything after that would not have mattered, but his overreaction to fixing it did raise some issues for me, combined with his obvious concern about me seeing anything on his phone. That maybe I’m not what he wants after all, and I don’t want to be something that keeps him busy while he looks for what will really make him happy. I’m supposed to meet him for lunch later today, then go he’ll go with me to my son’s game, and then back to his house, where I’d usually spend the night. I really need another opinion and perspective, is it just an older guy thing trying to validate himself, or should I be concerned, or what?
Sorry to dump so much at once, I am uncharacteristically lost on this. Anyway, thank you so much for your time and assistance.
We’re sorry you are having such a hard time. This is a very complex situation
and we have many thoughts and reactions to your letter.
Yes, you do have every right to be suspicious. He is obviously doing much
that you aren’t aware of. And it seems he’s fine with doing so. Anyone in your position would feel just as hurt and betrayed as you do. However, you are right. You did let your suspicions get the best of you and by looking through his email you’ve also crossed the line. But all is not necessarily lost, but much has to be sorted out.
You describe your relationship as on-and-off again for thirteen years. Is
this because you both don’t really want more? Or realize the relationship works, but it’s not really serious? And why has it been left up to him to take the relationship to the next level? Have you not wanted that?
Our point is, maybe these events are just what the two of you needed. It’s time to hash things out.
For REAL!! And ask some hard questions.
What do you want?
What does he want?
Do you truly want each other in the same way?
And will you trust one another after this is all said and done?
So our advice to you is come clean. Forget damage control. Forget trying
to make it seem like something else. If the two of you are really an
exclusive couple then he’s cheating on you. Maybe not physically, but
certainly emotionally. This is not OK, and you shouldn’t tolerate it.
If you brush this aside it will eat at you and will just resent him
more and more.
So yes, you need to explain your suspicions and tell him what you did. Expect a bad reaction. At first. If he truly loves you and if you truly love him, it’s possible you may be able to work this out. It might take a day, a week or a month. You’ve already waited thirteen years to get to this point, so a little more time won’t hurt you. And it sounds like you’ve been so busy making everything nice and letting things roll off of you, that you haven’t gotten down to the nitty gritty.
Our question to you Michelle is, “Do you really love this man?” If so, then you do everything you can to make him understand what you want. We’re not really sure what that is though? That’s something you really need to take a hard look at.
So what is the worst case scenario? You might lose this man. You may be devastated for a while.
So what is the best case scenario? The two of you come to a new understanding of one another and take the relationship to the next
Another possible scenario: You move on and realize that the world is a big place with lots of interesting people to meet. You’re young, energetic, intelligent and deserve to have what you want.
Don’t settle for something that doesn’t truly make you happy.
Good luck. We wish you the best.
PS. The age of the GUY doesn’t have anything to do with this unfortunately.
Feel free to leave us a comment. And email us at:
firstname.lastname@example.org if you have a question you’d like THE
GUYS to respond to.