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How can I rebuild the relationship after he’s been lying to me?

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Dear Guys,

I should start by saying that I suffer from borderline personality disorder and realize that some of the issues are solely my fault.  And 2nd, I was married for eight and a half years to a man, who not only emotionally, mentally and phyically abused me on a daily basis, but even started another family while we were still married.  Thankfully, I have now been divorced for nine years. And in those nine years, I have been in only two serious relationships, this being the second one and the first one in 2013. And even though I went through intensive therapy, I still have major trust issues.  ALL THAT BEING SAID, my boyfriend and I had been strictly platonic yet very close friends until about four months ago when we became romantically involved.

We we decided to take our relationship to the next level, we knew the best way for our relationship to work was to build our relationship on trust and communication… NO lies even if we knew it might hurt the other person.

Up until about three weeks ago, everything was amazing.  And although you might say that we moved in together a bit too fast, our work schedules and distance between us made it work fine. Like I said we never had any problems. And then like a switch was flipped he started being on his phone constantly, practically ignoring the fact that I was right beside him for six to ten hours some days. And then his work and simple day to day activities started to change. Because he knew my past, he was always very reassuring and affectionate, if I did start to obsessively give him the third degree he would answer the questions and let me calm down. And then I caught him in a lie. And even though I had solid evidence he was not where he said he was for over two hrs, he never changed his story. And that’s when I started paying closer attention.

I know of at least four other occasions where he straight lied to my face. But I have never confronted him about them. That is until this past weekend.  He is a very private person when it comes to sharing his personal life and I understand and respect that. So even in the four years I had known him, I had never met his family. After we became a couple and he still hadn’t introduced me, I did get upset over it a few times but never made a huge deal out of it.

He has pulled a disappearing act on me twice, with the first time lying directly to my face saying he had to go get something out of the car and would be right back and walked out the front door turn off his phone for three days and I didn’t hear from him until he finally responded to a message of me practically begging for him to come home. When he did he sat down and talked and I told him if there was anything he wanted to tell me happened while he was gone just come clean and tell me now NO LIES, and that would be the end of it I would never bring it up again. He told me where he was he was, what he did and that was the end of it.  Out of nowhere this past weekend, he decided to introduce me do not just his parents, but his entire family. At first there was a lot of shock because I am the third girl he’s ever been around them, and then a secondary shock was how wonderful treated me. (Apparently he didn’t show a lot of respect to the other two girls he brought around.) Well the next day after meeting his family we went back to his family’s house for a 4th of July celebration, and while there, he again lied to me and left me there for three hours. However I did learn one important thing and that he is a compulsive liar and lies even when there’s no point. He can’t help it. Needless to say his family was very upset with him for doing that to me.

All of this brings us to now.  He had an appointment yesterday morning and said that he would be back home by noon. I didn’t hear from him until 2:30 at which point he asked if I could see if he left his wallet in my car, which he had, and asked me to get a phone number out of it for him. When I did I found an ATM card and a medical card belonging to his ex-girlfriend which had not been there the week before. When I asked him about it he stopped talking to me completely. It has now been over 24 hours and he still hasn’t responded to me at all.  I have sent him a couple messages on Facebook messenger and I see that he has read them but will not respond.  I have told him that if he doesn’t want to be with me just tell me and I’ll pack his stuff up and bring it to him at his parents house, no response. I have also told him after really thinking about it last night, we agreed to build our relationship on trust and communication and because we obviously didn’t have either. I asked him what we had left to hold on to? I did tell him that if you came home and apologized for all the lies and came clean about everything we could try to work it out and see if we have anything left to salvage.

I know he has read these messages yet he has not responded at all. I have given him the out if you wanted it free and clear and he hasn’t taken it.  I just don’t know where to go from here? Or what to do? I know pretty well 95% that he has not cheated on me. And I know that I love him very very much he a long and happy future together but not with the lies. But without him responding to anything I feel lost, confused, empty,and hurt.  I could really use some good guy advice what the heck is going through my guy’s mind.

Completely Lost

Dear Completely Lost,

We’re sorry you’re feeling so confused and sad. Betrayal—and that’s what lies are—is difficult to deal with. And it hurts. But the first thing you need to do is stop assuming blame for this. Sure, there are two sides to every story, but the fact is, he’s not treating you with respect, and he’s not treating your relationship with respect. Your past has nothing to do with his present behavior.

Our best guess is that he’s coming down from the high of a new relationship, and that he’s no longer on his best behavior, but rather, he’s letting his true self come out. What you’re seeing is a guy who doesn’t really know how to be in a serious relationship, a guy who has acted one way his entire adult life, and is not committed to changing that behavior.

When someone is non-communicative for hours, or days, you have to assume something is up. Maybe he hasn’t started seeing someone else, but we don’t think you should rule out the possibility. Otherwise, why wouldn’t he just let you know where he was? Why would he have to lie in the first place? We know you say he’s a compulsive liar, but that’s not an excuse, and doesn’t get him off the hook.

So, you’re going to have to make a decision here. Unfortunately, you’re not going to get any satisfactory answers from him because he probably isn’t able to articulate what he’s feeling, and why he’s acting the way he’s acting. Obviously, something is going on, something is missing for him, or something is off for him, or he’s not happy or content. We aren’t mind readers so we won’t guess what that is. But we can say that he’s acting out like a child might, creating a situation that is intolerable, and hoping you’ll make the decision for him so he won’t have to be the bad guy. We’re really sorry.

Our advice is to sit him down and tell him exactly what you need for this to work, and make sure he understands that. Maybe that will be a wake-up call for him. But as you know, change first requires a commitment to change, and then a lot of personal work—often with therapy or counseling—to shift the way a person thinks and behaves. Your man has a long way to go, and even if things get better, you’ve got a long road ahead if you decide to stay with him. We’re not saying you should, or shouldn’t, but understand what lies ahead.

We wish you the best.

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll let your friends know about us. Thanks!

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