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Relationship and Dating Advice: I need more from my husband

Hey Guys,

I’ve been married 10 plus years, so you would think by now that I’ve got my husband figured out. We’re both military and have endured many separations for long periods of time, months…a year…the list goes on. He’s been gone three months and we have three more to go. He tells me he loves me everyday on Skype but I am still lonely and missing him.

I asked him to talk to me more about wanting to do things with me…you know, sexually. (Even if we can’t I still think about it and need to know he still wants to; otherwise what am I waiting for?) I have tried to tell him I need him to flirt with me OR just talk about what we’re going to do when we’re together again. I even sent him a list of things he could do to put me at ease and make me feel more secure about our separation (i.e. Text me dirty messages or something) I’m not asking him to have cyber sex; I just need to be reassured I’m still the one.

I don’t believe in cheating and feel like we have a solid relationship but it seems the more I try to tell him how I feel, and what I need, the less I get.  He’s not in a combat zone and has his own room in a physical building this time, so it’s not like he would be embarrassed by the guys if he sweet talks me. I just dont understand; I’m not a sex addict; I think we had a good sex life before he left —probably average for couples who have been married this long—but I feel like I don’t know how much longer I can hold on without resorting to putting up my wall. (Which I’ve done and actually seems to draw him to want to be closer to me but makes me miserable.)

I won’t cheat—I’m not a cheater— and he is a good man who I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I find myself depressed which I don’t understand because after all these years you would think I’ve gotten used to this. I am in such a funk I don’t know what to do or how to get myself to snap out of it. Should I just accept what he can give me while he’s away?  I just don’t know if I’m going to be able to make it 3 more months at the rate were going.

I stay very busy at work and make sure I don’t put myself in any positions that could compromise my vulnerability and only hang out with female spouses who share the same committment as I do, but lately I find myself fantisizing about other people. (Not anyone in particular,  just someone who tells me he wants to rub his fingers through my hair or how nice it would be to make love until the sun comes up – when at my age 45, that’s stretching it.) I’m not going through menopause or a midlife crisis—already been there/done that—and I’m confused as to whether he is just bored with our relationship OR is in love with someone else…I know he loves me but I don’t feel like he’s in love with me anymore.  I would appreciate any help you can give to help this separation come to a happy ending.

Thanks,

April

Dear April,

Thanks for your question.

You almost talk about your husband as if you don’t know him that well, as if you have to play some game to get him to notice you. Why is that? You talk about putting up your wall, but that seems kind of rash. (Unless you suspect him of cheating. Do you? Has he given you a reason to wonder?) From our perspective he seems like he’s pretty good at communicating. He seems committed to you; he tells you he loves you everyday; he makes an effort. Maybe you’re not feeling the spark right at this moment, but that’s the way it is with long term relationships. The spark ebbs and flows. And distance tends to amplify every issue that comes up. If he were home, you may not even be thinking about this; but the fact that he’s away makes this seem like it’s a colossal problem. We don’t see it that way.

Has he ever been the kind of guy who feels comfortable getting intimate via phone, Skype, email, text? A lot of people aren’t. He sounds like one of those people. So why are you putting so much pressure on him to be a certain way? What’s really going on here April? Are you starting to question the foundation of your marriage? And what do you mean when you say you don’t know if you can make it 3 more months at the rate you’re going? We’re confused about that. What do you plan on doing?

Fantasies are normal. They are not necessarily a sign that something is wrong with your relationship. In fact, people who let themselves enjoy their fantasies, often have healthier and happier primary relationships. It’s about acceptance. Accept the fact that this is going on for you and relax about it. No, we’re not saying cheat. Turning fantasies into reality is a whole other ballgame. We’re not suggesting that in the least. We are suggesting that you need to try and accept how you feel right now, and not focus on what it means, but understand it’s part of a continuum. And that you’re in a dip right now understandably. (Your husband is away and you miss him, the intimacy, the sex, everything that comes with loving someone.) But also understand that in a few months you’re likely to be back in the flow, and then happier and more balanced.

In the meantime, snap out of it. If you really have issues to work through, you’ll work through them when your husband returns. For now, let yourself feel how you need to feel, but don’t give it greater meaning that what it is.

Please keep us posted on how you’re doing. And feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. We’d also love to hear your responses to some of our questions, so we can offer some more feedback.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. Please share our site with friends. Thanks. We appreciate it!

Other questions about long distance relationships and the military:

Military long distance relationship

Military relationship; what do I do? 

Military gal in a long distance relationship; is it time to move on? 

 

 

21 Comments on Relationship and Dating Advice: I need more from my husband

  1. I recently got married (5 months ago) and two days after our marriage, my husband leaves for Kansas where he is stationed. Our Thoughts were that would move out there with him, but things haven’t been that simple. He had to get a car which took time and money and he’s been living with his friends.Then he said he needed to get eye surgery.I would love to be able to say that it is all his fault, but I know that it hasn’t. I’ve been quite naggy to try and speed up the process. I’ve been whiney and complaining about how lonely I am, like I’m the only one feeling this separation. Today he told me that he isn’t happy and he doesn’t know why. On top of that he says he hasn’t felt the same about me lately. I asked if there was someone else and he said no. I’ve spent the whole night trying to comfort him and remind him how much I love him and that things would be better if we were together but he doesn’t think that distance has anything to do with it. I love my husband and I want to be with him. I know that there is more to be discussed, I told him maybe he should come and visit, but he thinks it is best to wait until Christmas, which is barely a month and a half a way, but I am afraid that we won’t make it that far. I have absolutely no clue on how to make him happy again without being near him. I’m also afraid that him feeling differently about me means that he has no romantic feelings left for me. We have always been a very intimate couple and are not afraid of things like sexting and even cyber sex. Lately those things have changed and I’ve even told him before that I didn’t feel wanted by him. He has always assured me that I was wrong, and now this. Please help me.

  2. @Alane….This seems sudden. Were there any clues that things were changing before he left? We have two suggestions: 1. Are you sure there isn’t someone else? It just seems odd that he wouldn’t want his wife to be with him, even if he was uncertain. It seems he would at least want to try and work on things together. We’d do some more investigating. 2. You need to be with him. Why wait until December? You’re his wife. You should be with him. Even if it’s a short visit, you should go there ASAP. Things are unraveling, and you need to do whatever you can to stop that. Of course, there are no guarantees of how your visit will go, but at least you will know that you are doing everything in your power to save the marriage, and hopefully get things back on track? Your thoughts?

  3. He’s been at work all day so I still haven’t gotten to talk to him about it.. And I do agree that I need to be with him but he seems to be in denial that the distance has anything to do it. I am afraid that there might be another woman, and I know that he wouldn’t tell me if there was. He said he wanted me with him before and would get angry when I would question it.. Do you think that my always doubting his motives could have swayed him to question it too? He says he just wants to be happy and he’s assessing our relationship and weighing the options. I’m afraid that if I go there he won’t want to touch me since I know he is feeling different about us. These are two replies of his exact words that he messaged me yesterday.
    “I just want to be happy. I want you happy. And what we’ve got right now isn’t gonna cut it, and its gonna be like this every other year if I stay in, but less talking even yet. And deployments are longer than I’ve been gone. I’m just second guessing and assessing us. It hurts my feelings but if its for the better in either direction, its what I want. I’m just weighing both options.”

    “I don’t know how to view all this so helping might not be the word but I want you to understand that I’ve not forgotten how I felt through all of that with you. Not one bit. I’ve just not been feeling the same way lately. Also understand that I still love you, its imperative since you’ve felt like I don’t anymore.”

    In the second message he sent, I had been trying to comfort him and reassure him that we would work and of how much I loved him, and I asked him if it was helping..
    My stomach is in knots just thinking about what tonight will entail. We’re both young and we were so happy when he left for Kansas. He would even tell me about girls hitting on him and him telling them that he was happily married and loved his wife. I’m just so confused and hurt and I honestly don’t know what to do. But I do know that I need to see him and that’s what we’re going to talk about tonight.

  4. Oh and to the “I’ve not forgotten” message that he sent me, I had also tried to get him to remember how happy we were when we got married and how proud we both were to have rings on our fingers. If that isn’t proof of being happy together, I don’t know what is.. I mean, it was only 5 months ago..

  5. @Alane……Well, keep us posted how things go. And how old are you both of you?

  6. We are both twenty and we’ve been together for three years. Only a year of that was spent consecutively together. (and a few months here and there) We are no strangers to long distance relationships. I talked to him today and he said that he feels like we rushed into things. And maybe we did.. he said that he feels like he’s not as in love with me as he thought he was (but he does still love me) because if he was, it wouldn’t bother him to not get to talk to me and he said he’s perfectly content. He also said that in the past when we would argue or talk about breaking up that the only reason he thinks he didn’t, was because he was afraid of being alone. Now that he’s in Kansas and he is alone he says it’s out of sight out of mind. He doesn’t feel the need to be held like he always did when he was with me. He isn’t sure that he wants a divorce because he said this might be a phase. I told him that I could wait as long as it took as long as I had something to look forward to, and right now I don’t. We’ve been through this before and something about being apart from one another always does this, the last time, before we were married he got himself a new girlfriend and I waited of course because I love him. I just don’t have any competition right now except for his feelings. I don’t know how to fix this. Another girl is nothing compared to his uncertainties about our marriage. I am always waiting on him to make a move and I have always been willing to wait because I knew that he was still in love with me.. I don’t know how we went from being so happy together to him feeling so drastically different. I asked him again if he had met someone that he felt connected to, that he would want to try to be with and again he told me no. He said that on the weekends when him and his friends go out or invite friends over and girls show up that he does talk to them, but it’s not like he wants to be with them. This is more of an explanation than I’ve ever gotten from him and so I do believe him, when I would normally doubt him. He doesn’t want me to come to Kansas but he said he would come here that we did need to talk about this. ( This was after I started throwing the D word around) I told him that I didn’t think we would last until Christmas and that that I wanted to be with him but right now he couldn’t give me what I needed. He asked what that was and I told him it was him. That I need all of him I need his love I need his presence and he just isn’t ready to give it to me. That’s when he said he would visit. I think that he wants to be with me, I just think that the idea of marriage scares him. At least this is what I’m trying to convince myself.

  7. @Alane……Well, we’re glad he has enough sense to know the two of you need to start talking about this immediately. (And you need to see each other) However, something is jumping out at us that we should mention. The power balance is off here and that needs to be re-calibrated. He’s got all the power. You keep saying that you’ll wait for him no matter what he does and he knows it. So basically he knows he can do whatever he feels like—even maybe explore his feelings with another girl—and you’ll take him back. That’s why when you started throwing around the D word as you say, it got his attention. You’re giving up too much power and that’s not good for a relationship. It’s not good for you and it’s not good for him. An imbalance of power hurts both parties. One gets taken advantage of and the other abuses that advantage. Our suggestion: Don’t settle. If he’s not willing to work with you to try to make this marriage work, then as sad as it may be, you’ve got to move on. (Hopefully it won’t come to that.) But, right now, you’re completely catering to his every whim. You’ve got to stop that or you’re going to be very unhappy even if the two of you stay together. When you see him—hopefully soon—you need to start asserting what you want and need. Good luck and keep us posted. Ask a follow-up question anytime. Take care.

  8. I understand completely and I’ve known this for a while, but once you give that power, how do you take it back? Especially when the relationship is in such a fragile state? He knows that I am a good wife or girlfriend or anything that I’ve ever been to him. I’ve been faithful from day one. I don’t go out and party or put myself in a situation that could raise questions. He knows how much I love him and I’ve stood by and let him get away with a lot of things, yes. I am too forgiving and he knows that but there is one thing I won’t forgive him for, I won’t forgive him if he ruins our marriage. But I still don’t know how to, not exactly get “Where the pants” in our relationship, but how to get my “pants” back so we are equal.

  9. wear*

  10. @Alane….You get your pants back by standing your ground and telling him that you need to see that he’s willing to work on this or you’re walking. Otherwise like we said, you’re going to be more miserable with him. Also: It’s kind of a red-flag that he’s wavering about his feelings for you. Do you really want to be with a guy who doesn’t love and respect you the way you love and respect him? We don’t think so. And if this sort of thing has been going on for a while that’s something to consider. You deserve better than what you’re currently getting.

  11. I did what you said, and he’s not replied.. Here’s my message.. “I don’t know when you’ll see this, and that’s ok. It’ll be here when you finally decide to read it. I love you Corey. I really do, but I can feel my heart shutting down. It doesn’t want this pain and it’s trying to keep from feeling it. I don’t expect you to just wake up tomorrow and be in love with me again. I know you won’t. I don’t know if you’ll ever be in love with me again. But I can’t wait for you when you might not be there. I’ve been pulling out my hair for days. Wishing and praying for you to talk to me and to have a change of heart and I feel like the harder I try, the further you push me away. I’m losing the reason and the drive to fight for us because you’ve lost it completely. I’m typing this and I’m sad, but my heart has accepted the fact of where we are, and I don’t know how easily that will be fixed.. I don’t think I could ever give my heart back to you if our marriage ends. I’ve forgiven you for everything you’ve ever done to me.. You’ve begged me to be with you, and I’ve begged you to be with me.. I’ve always taken you back. I don’t have it in me to do this anymore.. Not unless you show me that you’re trying as hard as I have been. Because of this.. I’m going to leave you alone. I’m not going to text, I’m not going to call I’m not going to message you. If you want me, you know where to find me. If you don’t, well then I guess I know where you really stand. I’m going to live my life like I should have been doing the whole time you’ve been gone. I’m giving up a little bit more every day. I love you with all my heart, and I deserve someone who loves me just as much. If we divorce, I don’t think I’ll ever love someone as much as I love you, or want someone as much as I want you. But I know you’ll find someone that you honestly love so much more than me.. and it will be enough to marry them and mean it.. I hope you do, and I hope she’s good to you. I know I’m talking like we’re over.. to me we are. We are until you do something about it, and if it’s not soon, it’ll be for good. I love you.” I am having a hard time deciding if I was too rash.. I know he won’t reply before he gets off work, but I called him yesterday and he was already in a bad mood because of his room mates, but I can’t help but think it is because I called him.. He was indifferent and snippy and mean to me and I think It was my breaking point.. I’ve been trying so hard to fix us and just he doesn’t care. I’m really hoping that this letter will wake him up or at least make him try.. Cause I’ve all but given up on us ever getting back together.. I mean I can’t myself telling my friends how a divorce is on it’s way.. I can feel it in my heart, or well.. what’s left of it. Do you think this is what he’s wanted? Me to divorce him so he’s not the bad guy?

  12. I said “getting back together” at the end of that, and technically we’re not apart, but it feels like we are and I don’t know how else to explain it. I’ve given up on him wanting to be with me and being in love with me.. and us being happy together..

  13. @Alane……Your letter was honest, heartfelt, straightforward, and clear. It’s good that you sent it. It wasn’t threatening; it was matter of fact, and honestly pretty sweet. And you told him clearly how you feel about him. So don’t second guess it. However, there’s no guarantee of what he’ll do. The ball’s in his court. How long has this been going on? Your split. (Remind us) So are you going to have some sort of timeline for how long you’re willing to wait? And what do your friends say about this?

  14. I’ve not made it a well known thing, just a few close friends.. They all want to rip his manhood off. I would honestly be willing to wait for any reasonable amount of time, as long as I could see him putting effort in to fix us. I’m just not seeing it. And it’s not because I’m not trying.. it’s because he’s literally indifferent. I sent him that message this morning, he read it at 9:30 this morning. And he never replied. I want to believe that he’s really considering it, but I know better. This has been going on for about a month and a half to two months, I started to feel like he didn’t need me because of the frequency that he talked to me and what he said.. I was feeling neglected and I had even bought 90 dollars worth of lingerie to show him on skype, and he flat out denied me. I mean I was so excited and kinda proud of myself.. So I’ve felt the decline in our relationship and even tried to talk to him on multiple occasions. He told me I was “beating a dead horse”. It’s so disheartening to realize and I became very unhappy myself, but I knew that if I could just see him again it would remedy the situation. That was the light in the darkness for me, and I no longer have that light. I know he said he would come and visit, but the way he says it is just so conditional and depends on when the Army will give him a four day weekend. I offered to come there several times and he’s flat out told me he didn’t want me to. It’s the indifference that he shows towards our relationship that lets me know that we’re over. If only he would just try, there might be hope.. but since his no reply, I just don’t think there is. I can’t go much longer with no hope.

  15. @Alane…….Well, we are truly sorry about this. We hate to see people break up. We know how hard it is. You’ve got to go with what your gut is telling you. If it’s telling you to wait a little longer, then do that. (It would be nice to at least have him tell you all of this in person. It might help you move on.) And don’t discount your friends. Sometimes friends get involved when they shouldn’t, but if they are all giving you the same message it’s something to consider. Of course this is your life, and ultimately you need to do what will make you happy. Even though it’s looking like this is over, you don’t want to feel any regrets. You want to feel like you tried everything you could. The letter is a good step. Seeing him in person might also help. But if you keep getting the same message throughout the rest of this year it’s probably time to move on and rebuild your life. Keep us posted and hang in there.

  16. My husband of 7 years broke up with me a couple of months ago, but still wants my “support” and won’t give me a definite answer as to whether we will ever be together again.
    We have been forced to live apart for over 12months due to work. It has been really tough, and more stressful for him than for me.
    He told me that he had been visiting brothels, starting just before he left for the new job… and that recently he had fallen in love with a girl from the brothel. He had convinced himself that I didn’t love him any longer anyway, as I wasn’t as “affectionate” as his new love.
    When he tried to break up with me, he realized I did love him, and that sent him into a spiral of sorts. His new love left, so now he is alone.
    He seems to indicate that he still misses me and loves me, but as a friend. He feels he is not attracted to me any longer, and that is why he started going to the brothels.
    He used to look at a lot of pornography, even when he was madly “in love” with me. So in a way I feel like the brothels were just another stepping stone, towards becoming … well… something else.
    I still love him very much. I’m scared for him. He was such a moral, righteous sort of person once. I really think all this has been brought on by the stress of work and separation. But we are still separated physically, and I don’t know what to do!

  17. @Tilly…….First of all we’re sorry. This sounds difficult and stressful. Hang in there. So what do you want Tilly? Do you want him back? And do you think you’ll ever be able to trust him again? You seem like you’re kind of making excuses for his behavior. Like you’re brushing it under the carpet. We advise you not to. Because if the two of you manage to reconcile, you want the power to be distributed evenly, otherwise he’ll pretty much do as his pleases, even if you’re back together. Basically, he’s got a lot of figuring out to do. What does he want? Is he still in love with you? Is he still attracted to you? And is he willing to do the work required to change his behavior? (That won’t be easy and will take a long time.) And last question for you: Are you okay with him coming back, but not really being that attracted to you? There’s a lot to think about here Tilly. Fill us in on your thoughts, and we’ll offer some more opinions. (If you’d like us to.) Take care of yourself. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends .Thanks. We appreciate it.

  18. Cassandra Slowik // April 28, 2013 at 8:05 am //

    me and my husband were married for 1 1/2 years. we have 2 kids togather. our marriage probelms started in july of 2011 just a month after we got married. we were always argueing about stupid meaninless things.. well after our son was born in october of 2011 he left me and our son and said he was going to file for divorce we were seperated for 2 weeks after some talking with him he agreed to take me back and me and our son moved into his new apartment. 3 months after i moved in there i got pregnant with our daughter our son was only 5 months old. he really didnt want another child but agreed to it cause i wanted it. during the first few months of the pregnancy the argueing got worst a few times it got into yelling matches finally when i reached 5 months pregnant with our daughter he got sick of the arguing and asked me to leave. it was very diffcult for me cause even though we argued all the time i was still in love with him. 2 weeks after i left he got divorce papers we talked about it and he agreed to give me some time to see if i could improve with my attitude before fileing..well i had a mental brake down and threatned to kill my self when i did that i ended up in the mental ward. while i was in there he filed the papers..i didnt know till i got out of the hospital. we had talks every day after that i kept asking him to stop the divorce he said he would think about it a few times but then decided not to. at the same time he was going to my prenatal apointments with me and was still shareing intimate momments with me. after i had our daughter we only had 2 intimate momments togather and then it stopped. ive expressed to him sevral times about how i still felt about him and that i wanted to be back there. he never expressed to me how he felt other then he wanted the divorce. after being seperated for 7 months we just went to our final court hearing for the divorce and it was granted. im very heart broken i still love him and want to be with him. but i bugged him so much that he has me blocked on faceb!
    ook and
    his cell phone and will only talk to me when he feels like it. i want to know what i can do to win him back??

  19. @Cassandra…..This may be above our pay grade. But to answer your question simply: He has to realize he wants you, and come back on his own. You just need to be cool and try to get along when he comes and sees the kids. Above that, we advise you to talk to a professional if you’re feeling depressed and sad. Take care of yourself.

  20. Hey Guys, it’s me again. Lol. The last time I commented on here, I was having trouble in my marriage, and things were on a spiral to the end. I left you guys with my husband and I needing to talk face to face. When he did come visit,(For new years eve) we had sex and talked and I cried and he cried, but it seemed like there was no fixing that. After that, I was depressed for about three months. I finally started to give up on us for good and started hanging out with my friends again. Mainly just trying to get my life back on track. Corey and I kept talking regularly well maybe about two or three times a month.. But we were friendly and that was fine. We never talked about getting back together or anything. We’d talk about the upcoming divorce or how each other was doing.. it was all good. We might occasionally ask if either of us were seeing anyone, the answer was always no. I’ve not been with anyone since my husband. I’ve not even had the desire to be with anyone sexually. So he and I have maintained a friendship I guess..

    Today is our one year anniversary.. I had had plans to be intoxicated or at least sleep the day away since I’ve been pretty irritable for the last week or so lol. Let me explain this though.. I have not been sad or anything like that.. More bummed to say the least, that I had a failed marriage and I would be receiving divorce papers soon. I was definitely not sad though. My heart has long been broken, and has been healing quite nicely. ANYWAY. I’m getting off topic here. I wake up to a message on Facebook from my husband. He told me didn’t know if it was acceptable or not but happy anniversary and that he missed me. I told him that I was was also confused on if I should even try to talk to him today but that I was thinking the same thing. (My way of thinking was more or less missing my best friend that I have had for so long.) After that he tells me that he f*cked up and that he’s not been able to stop thinking about me recently, he misses me, he loves me ect.

    I am at a loss for words. I have no idea how to take this or how I’m supposed to act. I’ve been so set on just being single and living my life that I’ve been ok. Now I’m entertaining the thought of seeing where this goes. The other part of me is laughing her ass off and screaming at the other me for even considering it a possibility. Despite any of that, the thought of actually hurting his feelings, still bothers me so I do my best not to. It has to be from the part of me that’s entertaining the thought of seeing where this goes.

    Here’s an excerpt of our conversation.
    Corey
    i shouldnt be doing this, i need to let you move on.

    Alane
    If that’s what you want, you need to make up your mind. Plus, I’m not the same person I was when all of this started. You might not even like me anymore. Even if we decided to give it another try it wouldn’t be easy on either of us. We couldn’t pick up where we left off..

    Corey
    i feel like we would be all over each other and that we would fix it quick

    Alane
    It wouldn’t be that easy.. I don’t trust you not to hurt me anymore. I’d have to get over that first. I’d be guarded.

    Corey
    you’d be guarded by me. i should stop.

    Alane
    Of course I would be Corey.. How could I not be? You broke me.. You gave up on me, on our marriage like it was easy.. And I tried so hard to get you to change your mind and it didn’t work.. How could I just pretend like nothing happened and come back to you? If we were to hang out, of course we’d be all over each other.. That aspect of our relationship will never change because it never has. Even when I knew that you would never be mine again, it didn’t change.. I still wanted you.. I still wanted to be with you. But how am I supposed to know that this kind of thing will never happen again.. That you won’t just give up again when things get a little difficult..

    Alane
    That part of me would take time to get back to where it used to be.

    Corey
    then i’ll wait.

    I guess what I need your help on is what do you think I should do? At this point, it would be a lot easier for me to just let it go.. I know I used to say one day he was going to wake up and regret all of this, but I never really thought he would. I’m confused and a little ticked off, that our relationship would be so easily fixed. Not to mention that he uses our one year anniversary to do it.

  21. @Alane…….You have every right to feel guarded here. Understand that this kind of thing happens more than you might think. On the eve of finality—divorce papers—someone starts to panic. In this case, him. Of course he realizes that he messed up, but he also doesn’t realize how quickly things could go back to the way they were once you started over again. Right now he’s sad and his hormones are raging. The thought of you moving on is killing him. But is it killing him because he truly wants you specifically? Or is it because the thought of starting over with someone else overwhelming and sad? And has he really changed? That’s the question. Clearly you have, but has he? You say, “You might not even like me now.” But what about him? Maybe the new YOU wouldn’t care for him. We can’t tell you what to do, but honestly, trying to make a quick decision at the 11th hour is not good practice. Maybe after the dust settles you’ll be able to decide better on what you want to do. You haven’t really given yourself a chance to spread your wings and move on. If you do that and then decide you really want to try again, well, then go for it. Just our two cents. Your call of course. Good luck.

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